Enforcing but not forcing??

[lakegoddess]

Hi again. This time I come with a more "serious" problem, I guess. I've been sort've stuck in the middle of this for couple of months, not knowing which way to go.

I graduated last June, and (though searching on and off), got my job this January. So basically I had plenty of "play time" after college - a good 6 months.

I'm right now with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 23, he's 25. I took the usual 4 years to get my BS in math. He took 6 years, for psych (which includes failing classes even though sometimes he's only taking ONE class per semester). He graduated last December and has yet tried to find a job.

What really gets to me is that he is the most intelligent person I've ever met in my life. But he doesn't take advantage of it. If he tried anything, he will succeed (without barely any effort, unlike the rest of us!). But he's not like that. His parents are "very" flexible - meaning no discipline at all - whatever he wants to do, they'll be ok with. Sometimes I'm feel they're scared of him. Why? I don't know. So he lingers...

I mean, the whole "I'll drive you to work and pick you up" every once in a while is really sweet. The fact I can call him in the middle of the day to chat is good too. BUT... he's not doing anything! He's not looking for a job. He's not even doing the most mundane "productive" things such as mailing a package at the post office, or calling a company to cancel something. All he's doing (now) is reading SpyderChat, a forum on his new car, MR2. He's been reading that since December, almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'd be surprised if I don't see a SpyderChat window on his computer. For a month or so, he got stuck with gambling online - poker. I mean, I have nothing against poker but he spends ALL day at it. Seriously, ALL day. When I wake up, he goes to his computer. When I come back from work, he's still at it. He doesn't do anything except play poker and maybe leave to get food and rush back to his seat. There was even one time when he went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 4am to play poker! So that he can finish his 1,400 hands or whatever and get his $200 bonus. I mean... seriously!

I finally couldn't help it and talked to his parents about his behavior. His parents noticed it too and decided to write him an email. Yes, that's how they communication about "serious" issues. The email consisted things about not playing poker as much and most importantly, trying to find a job.

It's funny, his mom told me to push him to find a job. Hello! You're his mom! I also didn't think I should be the one to do it because who am I to tell him to get a job 4 months after he graduated when I took 6 months?? I'd be a hypocrite. But... difference is... I was searching all that time! I mean, I did it on and off but I was searching!

Couple days ago, he started talking about poker again. I don't want him to go back into it! He has such a bright future but don't try to grasp it at all!

I admire him, I envy him for his smarts. But his parents have always been so laxed with him that I don't know if my push will backfire... How do I tell him all this without pushing it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of him. I just think it's such a shame that such talent is being gone to waste...

[JoeHappy]

It sounds like your boyfriend is still wanting to play before taking on a real job. He's had easy and that's hard to give up. A 40 hour a week job will really cut into his freetime. He's probably an only child and his parents haven't pushed him. I can relate, I've been there. Has he said what his goals are? in life...your relationship...career. I think that he knows he will ultimately have to take on a job...the question is when. I don't think you will "push" him if you take the right approach. I would begin your conversation/discussion with simply talking about your goals with your career...then easing into talk about what his career plans may be. At some point, he will need to focus on getting a job unless, of course, his parents are going to support him forever.
My advice(for what it's worth) You want a partner that embodies the characteristics of your future husband. And discipline is important in life and in a relationship. Sorry to preach. I'm not saying he's not "the one", but ultimately, if it seems that he's not maturing, you may need to consider moving on.
I can tell by your writing that you are intelligent, so I know you will make the right decision on how to handle your relationship. Relationships are a challenge.
Hope this helps.

Joe :)

[eightball61]

Is he the only child? Do you know if they were this easy when he was younger?

They are his parents but he is 25. they can still offer advice on where for him to go but then again he still is 25. He is considered an adult and needs to act like it. He has to seek responsibility for himself. He still may want some play time but he is 25 and he should at least have a part-time job or something.

Getting a job can setup for responsibilty but he has to figure out where or how to start. For me I would just get anythingto have some kind of income. We all dffer here and he may not want a fast fod job to start with. What he has to realize though is that we all start somewheres and he'll need to make an adult change.

You can help him out but there is only so much you can do. His parents are there and they should be offering helpful words of advice also . It all comes down though he has to make the change for himself. The longer he waits the the harder its going to be. What happen in his last employment for him not to be there anymore?

[lakegoddess]

Haha, it's funny how both of you thought he could be a only child. Well, I say "sort of" because he's 25 but he has a 10 year old brother - so I guess an only child for 15 years?

Well, he wanted to do NYPD for a while and went through the recruiting process but realized he needed to live in the city so that was a big factor. Also, both his family and I didn't want him to be a cop so couple months ago he decided not to go for NYPD so maybe a state cop instead. But I know he knows he needs to be a citizen to be a cop but he isn't trying to do anything about it either. So what does he want to do now? I have no idea. Or at least he's not showing any signs of interest of any job in particular.

What surprises me is that although his parents wrote him a "serious email" - according to him - he hasn't made any changes yet, at least not to my knowledge (so definitely not to his parents either). It just boggles my mind. I mean, if his parents can't do anything about it, what good am I?

What scares me is... my last relationship lasted for 2 1/2 years and the reason why I broke up with my ex was because he wasn't motivated enough. I had to keep pushing him, over and over, to let him realize his potential but he never does anything about it. If I didn't help him, he wouldn't do it. Now I'm facing the same situation and I love this guy (we both have great confidence for our future together) and I don't want to see the same ending again...

Sometimes people say you should just let things flow - that maybe by not pushing, will you see how the person really is. Because pushing them is changing them. I just don't know...

[eightball61]

Sometimes people say you should just let things flow - that maybe by not pushing, will you see how the person really is. Because pushing them is changing them. I just don't know...


Its all in the matter of opinions and taking risk. Some people will say to sit back but thats leaves you in another complaing mode that he isn't doing anything. Either way you look at it you will not be happy until he is motivated and does something.

You are trying your best to push him because you don't want things to end the same way as your last relationship but you shouldn't give up. You know what you want as a person and the only thing you can do is push or help. If he can't get motivated enough then that is his loss and he losses out on you.

It will be heartbreaking if you had to end another relationship again because of this but in general you'll be doing the right thing. All you want is a man to be more motivated and help you out. The best option I see here is you go for he goal you want.

If you can't find what you are looking for within time in this relationship then move on. It will hurt to start all over again but you should be in a relationship where you are satisfied on most things. You'll never be in a so called "perfect" relationship but you need to be in a satifying relationship.


Does this make any sense???

[Diablo]

If pushing is too risky, why not try bribery? Hint that you would like to settle down but don't know how you two would pay the bills ;) . Sometimes with a guy like that, you have to put a fire under his butt to get him moving. Also, how good is he at poker? People who are really good at poker can make a good living just playing poker if they can reconcile it with their conscience. Another option is graduate school. You can't get a good job with a bachelor's degree in psychology. If he had a 3.0 or better, he could get into graduate school in some field or another. Just out of curiosity, do you think he is afraid of success? He could be and if so, it could take time to resolve that issue.

[lakegoddess]

Ugh, I know. I guess if I never take the chance of doing a little bit of helping, I may never know, huh? Then if it all ends, I'll be wondering what would've happened if I actually tried to do something about it...

I mean, I'm not completely motivated myself either. But I AM doing something with my life. I'm not a bit near being "successful" at all. Some people say women could be too successful that it lowers the self-esteems of the men they're with. But I'm definitely not like that!

And bribery? Haha. I guess that's another good way of approaching it. But I don't quite want to "settle down" yet. I'm afraid I'll give him the wrong impression. I mean, he constantly says he's totally there and I'm the one who doesn't say anything in return. I think he's very idealistic, and me - well, life sucks and you gotta suck it up.

Hmm... I think (well, from what he says) he's really good at poker. He's been to couple of college poker nights or whatever and always came out 1st or 2nd. So I guess that's good? Unless everyone else is bad... But the thing is... I'm against gambling. I know, I know. It's not a biggie to a lot of people. I mean, I don't support him in doing it, but I don't force him to stop either. So far it's been entirely up to him, with him knowing how I feel about it.

Grad school... funny how you brought that up!! Both his parents have PhD's (maybe he's afraid of failure? not keeping up with his parents?). I mean, I competely believe in the whole genetics thing so he's hella smart. About a year ago, he started studying for his GRE's for grad school for a month or two. It was going very well until all of a sec, POOF!, the studying stopped, and now the book's lost, hidden under piles of old newspaper in another room in the house that's not occupied. :confused: So I'm confused.

[eightball61]

You can do so much to try to motivate him. The rest comes within himself.....give it sometime and if you decide that you need to have someone more motivated then move on..

[SALly]

Hi again. This time I come with a more "serious" problem, I guess. I've been sort've stuck in the middle of this for couple of months, not knowing which way to go.

I graduated last June, and (though searching on and off), got my job this January. So basically I had plenty of "play time" after college - a good 6 months.

I'm right now with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 23, he's 25. I took the usual 4 years to get my BS in math. He took 6 years, for psych (which includes failing classes even though sometimes he's only taking ONE class per semester). He graduated last December and has yet tried to find a job.

What really gets to me is that he is the most intelligent person I've ever met in my life. But he doesn't take advantage of it. If he tried anything, he will succeed (without barely any effort, unlike the rest of us!). But he's not like that. His parents are "very" flexible - meaning no discipline at all - whatever he wants to do, they'll be ok with. Sometimes I'm feel they're scared of him. Why? I don't know. So he lingers...

I mean, the whole "I'll drive you to work and pick you up" every once in a while is really sweet. The fact I can call him in the middle of the day to chat is good too. BUT... he's not doing anything! He's not looking for a job. He's not even doing the most mundane "productive" things such as mailing a package at the post office, or calling a company to cancel something. All he's doing (now) is reading SpyderChat, a forum on his new car, MR2. He's been reading that since December, almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'd be surprised if I don't see a SpyderChat window on his computer. For a month or so, he got stuck with gambling online - poker. I mean, I have nothing against poker but he spends ALL day at it. Seriously, ALL day. When I wake up, he goes to his computer. When I come back from work, he's still at it. He doesn't do anything except play poker and maybe leave to get food and rush back to his seat. There was even one time when he went to sleep at midnight and woke up at 4am to play poker! So that he can finish his 1,400 hands or whatever and get his $200 bonus. I mean... seriously!

I finally couldn't help it and talked to his parents about his behavior. His parents noticed it too and decided to write him an email. Yes, that's how they communication about "serious" issues. The email consisted things about not playing poker as much and most importantly, trying to find a job.

It's funny, his mom told me to push him to find a job. Hello! You're his mom! I also didn't think I should be the one to do it because who am I to tell him to get a job 4 months after he graduated when I took 6 months?? I'd be a hypocrite. But... difference is... I was searching all that time! I mean, I did it on and off but I was searching!

Couple days ago, he started talking about poker again. I don't want him to go back into it! He has such a bright future but don't try to grasp it at all!

I admire him, I envy him for his smarts. But his parents have always been so laxed with him that I don't know if my push will backfire... How do I tell him all this without pushing it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of him. I just think it's such a shame that such talent is being gone to waste...
Where does he get his money to live? Mom and Dad?

[lakegoddess]

Where does he get his money to live? Mom and Dad?

From what I know, his parents doesn't give him any money, allowance-wise. First, he's doing a lot of poker. Second, he's taking advantage of a LOT of those credit card deals. You know, 0% APR for a specific time, so he writes himself a check or whatever. I guess it's loans? I personally don't like owing people anything, much less to say even opening any ads from credit card companies...

[SALly]

You two live together right? So do you pay all the bills?
I think he must be getting money from mommy/ daddy or have a line of credit from them. They need to shut him off and make him start paying for living on his own. There isn't anything you can do.

[eightball61]

You two live together right?

Good question SALly and I like to see the answer because I have a question but I am waiting to ask untill I see the ;) answer.

[lakegoddess]

Well, he lives with his family (parents and young brother). I moved in with them. Though they don't want it, I pay his parents rent each month to make up for my part (food, shelter, etc).

So I guess with the bills, I don't pay anything really except rent (no utilities, etc) and personal purchases. The same goes with him, though just personal purchases.

[eightball61]

From what I know, his parents doesn't give him any money, allowance-wise. .


Him being your partner and living with him don't you think you would know better what his income is or where his money is coming from???

[SALly]

That changes everything then... his parents are supporting him and there is nothing you can do about it. you are basically a "guest" in their house. He is being lazy because he can.

[eightball61]

That changes everything then... his parents are supporting him and there is nothing you can do about it. you are basically a "guest" in their house. He is being lazy because he can.

BINGO.......good call SALly

[lakegoddess]

Him being your partner and living with him don't you think you would know better what his income is or where his money is coming from???

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to know... but I don't think I should be peeping into his financial business, especially since we're not engaged or anything. How am I supposed to find out? "Hey honey, where do you get your money from?" Is that.. normal? I'm sure he's not doing anything illegal or whatever.

[SALly]

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to know... but I don't think I should be peeping into his financial business, especially since we're not engaged or anything. How am I supposed to find out? "Hey honey, where do you get your money from?" Is that.. normal? I'm sure he's not doing anything illegal or whatever.
If you are serious enough in your relationship that you are living together then yes, I think you have the right to ask where he gets his money from. If he just plans to scroung off his parents all the time then you better learn to do it too. Or this could just be a phase and maybe he needs longer than you did to get his playtime over with. I'm sure it would be hard to be motivated if you didn't really "have" to.

[eightball61]

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to know... but I don't think I should be peeping into his financial business,


There is a line to draw when you are peeping into his personal life but if you this relationship to grow then you need to know more about him. Same goes for him also and he needs to know about you. You both need to use communication in order to work things out, make things grow, and to get to know each other. Communication is your best friend to any relationship.

[Diablo]

Ordinarily you guys would be right, but she is a guest in his house and they aren't engaged, so she should not pry much. Lakegoddess, could y'all put a poker room in the bat with slot machines along the wall? I'm just kidding there, but I myself have nearly completed a bachelor's degree in psychology and realize that I'm going to have to make a living with my pool cue after I graduate. Given the Republican's power in Washington, things are going to get tough and people are going to have to make a living any way they can. You could try asking him if he still wants to do graduate school. Sooner or later, he will want his own house and that will motivate him. Practically everyone wants some time off after getting a degree and my read is that's what he's doing. After a while, restlessness and boredom will set in and he'll get busy doing something.

[eightball61]

Ordinarily you guys would be right, but she is a guest in his house and they aren't engaged, so she should not pry much. .

He is a potential future partner. I feel that they both should be working on the relationship as if it was going to grow. I ain't saying she needs to pry on him but simply to find out more about him. She seems unsure on a few things that she should know if she wants to have a future with him. If this was just a relationship with no future then I would agree with you but its not.