Invisible in Skype..

[nina]

I am involved in a long distance relationship for the past 11 months. My SO doesnt like to talk on the phone, so all our communication is limited to msn chat. What i dont understand is, if he isnt that much of a *phone talker*, why is he always signed into Skype under invisible..? I confronted him once about this, awhile ago, and he says he is speaking to his mother and sister, as he has just recently introduced them to skype. Its not like we are strangers..we have met up a few times in person, and ive stayed at his home, so i dont undertand him feeling uncomfortable communicating with me in that way. Im just feeling a little paranoid right now, wondering if he is speaking with other girls or something. He has been signing in invisible from the moment we met til now. Do you think im overreacting..?[/COLOR]

[Diablo]

He could just be concerned about his phone bill. Does he make any exceptions to the MSN only rule? As for using the invisible sign on, people usually do that when trying to avoid someone, but he could be trying to avoid anyone. Is he mostly good to you? If so, I wouldn't be too worried since the phone companies are bandits and he's probably mostly concerned about running up his phone bill. However, if he starts acting distant, preoccupied, the warning flag should go up.

[eightball61]

This can go many ways but I do agree with Diablo with the fact he could be hiding from someone. If you both are in a relationship then I don't understand why he can't communicate what it is he is hiding from. You both are suppose to work together and look for support into each other in a relationship.

Some people are not talkers on the phone because they can't think of anything to say nor they can't deal with the silence. If it has to do with that he doesn't want to pay for a long distance bill then he should look into getting a cell phone or even calling cards.

You both are together and trying to work something out. Do you want this relationship to grow? Does he want this relationship to grow? If you are uncertain about these questions then you really need to look into things more.

You both can need to compromise something here.....Having a relationship just through chat or skype is not a relationship to me. You both need to have more contact verbally and physically. Approach him with the idea on maybe you calling him once or twice a week with calling cards to start with. If you have a cell phone and a plan where you have free minutes at night then use that as an option. You need to let him know that you like things to grow and you want to start making changes to allow this to happen.

[nina]

He also has a cell phone, which he has called me on twice, and we spoke for a short while each time. Skype is free. We have spoken on skype 4 times exactly in the 11 months we have been together. And he actually does sound uncomfortable when we talk. But how else am i going to hear his voice? Sometimes he puts on his webcam for me, which sometimes helps a little.

“Having a relationship just through chat or skype is not a relationship to me. You both need to have more contact verbally and physically.”

I agree with you Eightball61 and have voiced this to him before…the last time we saw each other was 3 and a half months ago, and things keep *coming up* on his end, even though he is the one telling me to come visit. I am due to visit him next week, but nothing has been said yet on his part, even though I kept mentioning it to him last week whether we were still meeting up or not. So I guess next week will come and go without us meeting. Yes, I do want our relationship to grow, and he has said the same also, but most the time it doesn’t seem that way. He has made comments about us living together once he finds another job and everything, but he said hes not sure how long that would be, maybe years…. I don’t know if im able to wait years, unless im definitely sure of his feelings for me.

[Diablo]

He's waiting to find another job before y'all live together? That explains a lot. Chances are that the job he has doesn't pay enough to allow him to have a live in girlfriend or pay for much of anything else; including many long distance calls. He's probably waffling because he gets discouraged. Just my read on the situation. Some people say you can have a girlfriend with any job, but I wouldn't allow myself to buy a dog on what some jobs pay.

[nina]

“I wouldn't allow myself to buy a dog on what some jobs pay”.
Location: In front of my computer

Your funny Diablo.
I can understand him waiting to find another job before we can move in together, but who knows when that will be. Even he has no idea. He cant even give me a time frame when I ask. He’s very vague in all he says, and everytime I try to get more out of him, he says im “breaking his balls”.

[Diablo]

Thanks. I've been told I should get a comedy show, but half the country would sue me after a while. My instinct here is for you to quit talking about it with him for a while. Guys hate it when women press a question that they can't answer. My guess is that I'm right about the job and he doesn't know when he'll have a better one. Anyway, if he's good to you otherwise, things could work out.

[eightball61]

I don’t know if im able to wait years, unless im definitely sure of his feelings for me.


How far are you both actually away from each other in hours?


You may never know what will come out of this relationship until you try and finally get fed up. You need to really look at what you want right now...If you want things to grow with him then stay in the relationship and you both need to try to make it grow. If you find there may be no growth then you are just wasting time.

You agreed that this is not a normal relationship and something does need to change. He can't live in a fantasy in Cyber world and expect to have a girlfriend that way. I will admit that I have heard and ready stories that some people can do it. Those that can hold these relationships knows tat this is what they want. What you want out of this relationship differs because you want growth. You both have talked about growth but nothing more has ever came out of it. If he wants to wait because of a job then he needs to give in to other stuff to show that he does want the growth.

Its a ver hard decision and right now the situations main focus is around trust & growth. You are going to need to trust him if you want this to work & he has to put in more effort to secure that trust for you. This is somethng that you both will need to talk about and come up with a plan that you both agree to.

[nina]

"He can't live in a fantasy in Cyber world and expect to have a girlfriend that way."

Sometimes I think that’s how he prefers it. I mentioned something about that to him before, about how I eventually want a* real* relationship, not one over the internet, and he replied:”But I enjoy talking to you”. Whatever that was supposed to mean.
We sometimes talk about us moving in together, but when the subject is brought up again, he doesnt always sound too enthusiastic about it. I don’t think he’s too sure about what he really wants. And I don’t think im prepared to stay in a realtionship this way for another year or more. But he seems ok with it. Im in two minds whether to stay or not.
We are 2 hours apart by plane.

[eightball61]

Are you commitited enough in this relationship where if you had to move a little closer to him you would?

You have to define what kind of commitment you want out of this. Then from there you work your magic for sometime and if he shows no progress then you move on. You need to have a starting point and then work the rest from there. When it doesn't work out then you move on.

[Diablo]

2 hours by plane? Word up, people can hide anything from that kind of distance. I would consider getting a local boyfriend if I were you. LTR's don't last unless the distance problem is resolved within a reasonable amount of time and he seems to prefer an LTR. If you're starting to want the things you can't get from an LTR, you might have to let him go.