Monster In Law To Be!

[mykidsmom2]

Let me start by saying that the title was more to attract attention than anything...but she is more than I can handle.

My stats:
12 year relationship, 11 year old and 7 year old. Engaged for 8 years. no wedding in sight.

MIL has the best intentions when it comes to grandkids, I'm sure. She's an alcoholic and getting sicker to the point she's becoming dilussional. There was drama between her SonIL who stranggled her son(my spouse-happened a year ago) and she has "picked sides" and has now gone 6 weeks without speaking to her son.
My oldest doesn't want to be around her because she's mean to her and treats her cousins better. The youngest has asked why grandma stinks all the time(oh, dear what do I say).
Case in Point: Last Saturday was my daughters 1st Communion, she was notified two months ago, a month ago and the week before by me. She didn't show, which wasn't much of a surprise to me. On SUNDAY she walked into my house and yelled at us "Why did you change it and NOT tell me?" WTF? Naturally my spouse said nothing and I politely told her it was Saturday and she missed it. Showed her the pictures and she left. She then must have called her Dear Daughter and told her I told her the wrong date on purpose...what???
He is talking about getting married...I'm honestly going insane and don't know if I can handle this anymore. I'm realizing now even more clearly why he has issues committing, we've had serious trust issues dealing with cheating, he's a social drinker and it cause problems and think he's just getting married because as he puts it "I'm ALL he has"
They say two people get married because of their love for each other, am I so horrible for not wanting to marry into all this crap?

[mykidsmom2]

Sidebar.......the Sister called me and left a VERY nasty message about how I'm doing "these" things on purpose and am a "bleep" and think I am better than them...

[Rich]

Sounds like the family is dysfunctional. She's an alkie and the kids (your SO and his siblings) were affected (psychologically and emotionally) growing up influenced by her drinking.

Plenty of counseling needs to happen in this family and the choice is yours if you want to stay around and have to deal with all of this dysfunctionalness. It's not changing until the mom is dead, but then you're still left with your SO and his "inner thought process".

Do what's right for your happiness and mental well being as that of your kids as well.

[janjan]

I always cringe when I hear couples talk about love as the one and only and all-powerful force that makes a marriage work, because it's crap. That's why our divorce rate is so high - because people think that love is all you need. It's not. If you marry him, you will be marrying his family as well, and you will be all alone when it comes to dealing with their craziness and lies. Every holiday, birthday, family gathering, etc., will be a nightmare for you and your kids. Odds say that your man's drinking will only get worse, and do you want to be married to a male version of his mother? Do you want such a person living in the same house with your children? Do you want your children around people who think that booze and violence is an effective way to handle problems?

The most hideous in-laws can only affect your life as much as you let them, and if your man allows his family to treat his woman and his children this way now, it will only get worse if you get married. You will basically be all alone defending yourself and your children, and you will be faced with a crappy choice: either endure abuse or become the beotch, all while your man just stands by and does nothing. Your respect for him will dwindle (if there's any left), because I don't care how progressive we all are, there's nothing more pitiful than a grown man who can't stand up to his mommy.

If I were you, I would do two things: 1) refuse to attend any more family functions and absolutely refuse to allow his family to have any contact with your kids. I don't care if blood is thicker than water, his family is downright dangerous (normal families don't go around strangling each other). Your #1 job as a mother is to protect your children from harm, and being around an abusive, alcoholic mother-in-law, her violent son-in-law, and her god-only-knows-what other relatives is NOT good for you or your kids. If your man whines, inform him that since he won't be the man, you have no choice but to be the man for him. And then you will know where you stand in his eyes, which brings me to: 2) Do NOT marry this man, not unless he grows a pair of balls, stops drinking, and starts acting like a real man, instead of a boy in a man-suit. The odds of that happening are small (not impossible, but small), so you need to think about what kind of future you want for you and your kids, and whether or not your man fits into that. Maybe some intensive couples therapy is in order here, but that all depends on how willing he is to do it.

Good luck.

[packagedealx3]

You can't get away from the fact that people come as a package. But you also don't sound like you love your SO and you sure as hell don't sound like you like him, which I think is even more important than loving him.

If you want your life to be the way it has been for 8 years for the next 30-40, go for it. If you think you deserve a better relationship than either fix the one you have or get out of it.

[speedy236ex2]

I think if your husband is not on your side, i would prehaps think twice about marriage. I have different but similar in some ways problems, but my husband will stand up and is on my side which helps