zerlic
05-11-2010, 10:41 AM
So I'm in love. My first girlfriend (I'm 19 and I've finally settled for a long-term relationship) and we've literally seen each other every single day for the past 7 months. She's going to be living in Montreal for the next four years of her life. She's very determined and somewhat headstrong, however, and has her sights set on a wonderful academic career, which is what I really admire the most in her. She's never gone through with anything important that she's not very serious about, so that's reassuring (in terms of our relationship - this is her first as well). She's going to be studying all the way across the country next year (she's graduating high school next month) and I'm going into my second year at University at home. I took her virginity and she has since unloaded the full spectrum of what was once a highly guarded, but now extremely explosive ual dynamism. Since we've started having she's developed this strange confidence that even I can't place (and I have knack for bringing girls down if I must say so myself - it's my part of my game as a regular Mack daddy). Is this all some sick cosmic reversal or karmic joke?
The point is I've gone from being a player to a somewhat (albeit secretly) needy companion. I don't want her to leave, do the frosh thing and get laid every night. I don't want her to grow into a self confident, independent woman who will forget about me completely (four years is a long time for her to change into a completely different person).
Needless to say she lives in the present, while I'm mostly disengaged from the here and now. According to the Myers-Briggs personality test I am an Architect. I'm extremely sensitive to the purposes, details and motives behind the things I really care about and so I've never found myself living in the present for very long. I've never had difficulty expressing or demanding what I want but in this situation I'm utterly lost. Why should I wait to let her make a decision when she comes back from school every break, and if over the first two years, say, she decides she wants to be "together", but then breaks it off in her third? I don't want to be holding on to that kind of string because I know that regardless of the amount of dedication and effort I put into our relationship I'm the one that will be waiting on her (given the situation - I'm at home, and she's away). Is that right? I mean, technically, she's away from me as well but it seems like she's the one with more power at this point. Should I do something about that? My usual maxim is that "the power in any relationship rests with the one who cares the least," but in this case I can't say I don't care about her. I really love her and I don't want this to be to become a power struggle.
My brothers (who are graduating high school now as well) and a couple of close friends want to go to Croatia, and to the family village, this summer. I've been holding off buying tickets. She wants me to go for two weeks only (a compromise it seems at first) so that we could spend the rest of the summer together (the first three weeks of August, she leaves the last). Those two weeks, however, would be spent while she is in Ohio for a family wedding so it's not like she'll actually be missing me (she has to go the wedding!). By staying, I miss out on the bonding with my brothers and closest childhood friends, and a good chance to really ground myself (we're second generation Canadians and so going back to the homeland is always an extremely thrilling and yet deeply introspective experience - according to my brothers at least, this is the first time I'd be going as an "adult" because of health problems in the past). The entire experience then would be very different, almost to the point of me not "really being there" if you know what I mean, if I traveled alone as opposed to with them and then left early. It's not that I value the experience of a trip to Croatia this summer more than staying with her (they'd both be great experiences), it's just that in a way I feel like I would be letting myself down by being too accommodating.
Although at this point she tells me she wants to try a long-distance relationship I'm not so sure I want to. I don't want to be the guy flying in to see her two or three times a year to see if she's still single. I don't want to wait for her only to find out she's been seeing someone else (and seriously at that) on some Christmas or Thanksgiving when she's home for the weekend. Simply stated, she said she wants to "try it out and see how she feels when she gets back, and gauge everything from there". That's the problem I have with this. So it looks like she isn't interested in making any kinds of terms, which is probably the most sensible thing to do in this kind of relationship anyway. Regardless, I can't trust that she will be as committed to me as I would have to be, out of my situation, to her. Her idea of a long-distance relationship is basically "I'll see how I feel when I get a better understanding of the environment over there, and after I figure out how difficult it will be exactly to feel secure on an emotional level considering all the time we will be spending apart". So then why exactly am I forgoing a trip with my brothers that is extremely important to my personal well-being by staying with her this summer? What are three extra weeks together worth to our relationship when she's going into this with such a pessimistic attitude? I'm not normally a selfish guy but I just don't understand. I want her to let me know that she has at least thought about some of this.
Maybe I'm just venting. I don't know if anyone has any good advice out there, but a similar story might just satisfy me equally as well. I'd like to know what others have done in similar situations.
The point is I've gone from being a player to a somewhat (albeit secretly) needy companion. I don't want her to leave, do the frosh thing and get laid every night. I don't want her to grow into a self confident, independent woman who will forget about me completely (four years is a long time for her to change into a completely different person).
Needless to say she lives in the present, while I'm mostly disengaged from the here and now. According to the Myers-Briggs personality test I am an Architect. I'm extremely sensitive to the purposes, details and motives behind the things I really care about and so I've never found myself living in the present for very long. I've never had difficulty expressing or demanding what I want but in this situation I'm utterly lost. Why should I wait to let her make a decision when she comes back from school every break, and if over the first two years, say, she decides she wants to be "together", but then breaks it off in her third? I don't want to be holding on to that kind of string because I know that regardless of the amount of dedication and effort I put into our relationship I'm the one that will be waiting on her (given the situation - I'm at home, and she's away). Is that right? I mean, technically, she's away from me as well but it seems like she's the one with more power at this point. Should I do something about that? My usual maxim is that "the power in any relationship rests with the one who cares the least," but in this case I can't say I don't care about her. I really love her and I don't want this to be to become a power struggle.
My brothers (who are graduating high school now as well) and a couple of close friends want to go to Croatia, and to the family village, this summer. I've been holding off buying tickets. She wants me to go for two weeks only (a compromise it seems at first) so that we could spend the rest of the summer together (the first three weeks of August, she leaves the last). Those two weeks, however, would be spent while she is in Ohio for a family wedding so it's not like she'll actually be missing me (she has to go the wedding!). By staying, I miss out on the bonding with my brothers and closest childhood friends, and a good chance to really ground myself (we're second generation Canadians and so going back to the homeland is always an extremely thrilling and yet deeply introspective experience - according to my brothers at least, this is the first time I'd be going as an "adult" because of health problems in the past). The entire experience then would be very different, almost to the point of me not "really being there" if you know what I mean, if I traveled alone as opposed to with them and then left early. It's not that I value the experience of a trip to Croatia this summer more than staying with her (they'd both be great experiences), it's just that in a way I feel like I would be letting myself down by being too accommodating.
Although at this point she tells me she wants to try a long-distance relationship I'm not so sure I want to. I don't want to be the guy flying in to see her two or three times a year to see if she's still single. I don't want to wait for her only to find out she's been seeing someone else (and seriously at that) on some Christmas or Thanksgiving when she's home for the weekend. Simply stated, she said she wants to "try it out and see how she feels when she gets back, and gauge everything from there". That's the problem I have with this. So it looks like she isn't interested in making any kinds of terms, which is probably the most sensible thing to do in this kind of relationship anyway. Regardless, I can't trust that she will be as committed to me as I would have to be, out of my situation, to her. Her idea of a long-distance relationship is basically "I'll see how I feel when I get a better understanding of the environment over there, and after I figure out how difficult it will be exactly to feel secure on an emotional level considering all the time we will be spending apart". So then why exactly am I forgoing a trip with my brothers that is extremely important to my personal well-being by staying with her this summer? What are three extra weeks together worth to our relationship when she's going into this with such a pessimistic attitude? I'm not normally a selfish guy but I just don't understand. I want her to let me know that she has at least thought about some of this.
Maybe I'm just venting. I don't know if anyone has any good advice out there, but a similar story might just satisfy me equally as well. I'd like to know what others have done in similar situations.