That lil green monster called, JEALOUSY!

[babycarrot]

Let me give you a little background, so you have a little more insight to who I am, and how I work.
I am 20, a student, last year around this time, I found out that my first love, who I'd been dating for 2 years had been cheating on me for 5 months with one of my pseudo-friends. I was devasted, I don't think I've ever felt worse in my life. :(

Well then I met, I'll call him Tom, and we hit it off pretty much right away (which may of been my first mistake *jumping back into a relationship*) Well... I've been dating him for about 10 months now, we've said the I love you's and all that. He stays with me every night, hangs out with me everyday, calls me from lunch at work. But alas, I am paranoid, and super jealous when he talks to ANY other girl, even my friends. It is really frustrating, because I don't want to be this way. I love him, and I want to be happy with him, and not paranoid about any other girls. Because I feel like I should be content, since he is with me all the time. I understand small doses of jealousy are normal (and he'll have his random jealousy and paranoia), but I feel like I have fits of them, it just doesnt feel healthy.

I don't yell at him and tell him not to see his friends that are chicks, and he rarely ever even talks to them let alone hang out with them. But to understand my full jealousy, and you will think I am being crazy, which is why I need your help, but I know that he doesnt see these girls because I check his texts, his call logs, his email, his aim. I just don't know what else to do, to know that he isnt with another girl. If you have any other recommendations PLEASE tell me, because this lifestyle is driving me crazy, I feel like I need reassurance all the time that he loves me or I will go nuts and plan to break up with him because OBVIOUSLY *sarcasm* it's not working out but then I realize Im just being stupid. :confused:

[Rich]

You were hurt and your actions are understandable.

The only thing that's going to change you is you and finally coming to the conclusion that "this" is not how you want to live your life.

Until you get to that point, then nothing anyone says will mean anything. You need to understand that trust is a major part of any relationship and not having it spells doom for most relationships.

You going to have to get to the point of getting past your hurt and trusting again. Do things with your BF and let the the trust build up. Don't just dismiss his faithfulness.

No one likes to get hurt. But you can't totally change your life because of it. If you fall off a horse, you get back on. You might fall off again, but you can't give up because the only option left is to never ride a horse again. Don't give up on trusting people.

Life sucks sometimes, but it's all a learning experience. Too bad you never questioned your old BF as to why he cheated. You could've then taken that info and learned from it.

I'm sure over that 5 month period that your BF was cheating on you that there had to be signs of it. Learn to be more aware and cut things off at the pass. Don't go through life blind and assuming. Stay in constant contact with your relationship.

As for this relationship, if you know what you're doing is wrong, then stop it. If you say that you can't, then you need some more growing up to do. Afterall, do you control your actions or do your actions control you?

Again, you'll only stop doing what you're doing when you come to the realization that it's stupid to live that way and you're not going to do it anymore. Hopefully you'll get there soon.

Rich

[eightball61]

The jealousy is coming from your last relationship from being cheated on. You can't control or change what happened. You see the problem its causing you currently and its a good thing that you are able to point that out.

What we are trying to figure out now is how to get rid of it. :confused: This is actually a tough one because jealousy comes within the mind and its very hard to control. Words will be hard to turn your thinking.

I too am the insecure and jaous type. The only thing I ave found to help ease some was writing thoughts in journals, thinking positive about situations, and trying to trick my thinking. I still find myself getting jealous a lot. I can't pinpoint anything from my past that happened to make me think this way so I just try to handle it the best I can.

My suggestion is for you to do the same. Try to fight these thing with positive thoughts. You need to keep your mind active when he is out with friends. The last thing you want is this jealousy to get in the way of the relationship. Speak to him if you haven't allready. Tell him about your past and how you are feeling currently. Tell him you don't want anything to change but you like for him to maybe work with you and hopefully you will be able to come around with thinking more positive things.


ps
not all guys are dogs like your ex. was.

[babycarrot]

With my previous relationship, there were signs of him cheating on me and I accused him of it plenty of times and begged him to let me go if he was cheating but he denied it over and over and over. To the point where he told me I was crazy,and blamed it on me changing my pill (birth control) saying that's probably why I was so paranoid/aggravated.


I've talked to my bf now, he knows everything about my previous relationship and knows that I get jealous really easy. I think that's partly why he doesnt hang out with his chick friends, and if there is one he wants to see he always asks me to come meet her. Sometimes I think all my jealousy stems from being so scared to get hurt, even more than the fear of losing him.

My current paranoia is this girl from highschool that he really liked, they were bestfriends, and she just recently got ahold of him, and wants to hang out. She is engaged, but the girl my ex cheated with was married so I guess things like that don't matter to some people. We talked about it, and he told me, yea in highschool he really liked her but she is engaged now and he has a girlfriend (duh), and even back in highschool he thought how he probably shouldnt be with her because it would ruin their friendship. I just wish all this jealousy would stop consuming my mind... it's like I have this wound from my previous relationship, and any little thing will rip the scab off, so it'll never heal.

[eightball61]

So you had this paranoia in your old relationship also?? What do you think caused it?

[Rich]

First things first. Why, if you felt that your old BF was cheating on you, did you leave it up to him to let you go? Why give someone else control over you? NEVER do that.

Always control your own destiny and life. Nobody cares for you like you do. Remember that.

As for this current situation. Without knowing a great deal about him, it sounds like you have a decent guy there. Just know that over time your deep jealousy's will drive him away if you don't control it and change.

There's no one word answer or easy peice of advice that you're going to get on how to eliminate or control your jealousy. Either it disappates as you mature or it doesn't. With some folks it never does.

What is common though, is that most self confident people don't carry around great amounts of jealousy. Yes, everyone is jealous to an extent and wants to protect what "is theirs", but most self confident people know when enough is enough and how to control it.

My intuition tells me that you're mostly NOT self confident. Your comment about your old BF and giving him control over you also tells me that.

My advice is to work on your self confidence. Also work on being the best person (all around) that you can be. Make yourself such that your current BF will think that you're the best thing since sliced bread.

Be a friend. Be a lover. Be a confidant. Be someone that he can go to for advice, comfort and support.

Just make yourself a better person overall in life and your BF won't ever want to be with anyone else. If you're doing all that you can, then that's all that you can do and there's no reason to worry or be jealous.

Worry about things that you can control....like you. Don't worry about things you can't control, like other girls coming after your guy. If you're the best, then it won't matter who comes after him because he won't be interested.

Good luck,

Rich

[bdtraders]

babycarrot, i also am the type of person that cam become overly jealous and i hate it, a guy can send my SO a joke or make her a cd and i will jump the gun and make my own conculsions, the point is you just have to block it out, look at all he does for you and with you and focus on that.

I look at where my SO is when shes not at work, (with me), she really never has the oppurtunity to cheat unless she does it on a lunch break and i find that very unlikely. your guy sounds like a great guy, so just block it out the best you can, let him know that it bothers you but with his love and help you will get passed it. As time goes on you will learn its easier to block it out.

As far as your last boyfriend and you knew he was cheating, you should have left and not waited for him to do anything. My SO knows that two things will get me to leave with a drop of a dime, she cheats on me, or she tells me she dosent love me anymore.

Give it time, only time will heal your wounds

[babycarrot]

Well I was a jealous person before my ex cheated on me, but not nearly as bad as I am now. I think some jealousy is normal, but the amount I have is ridiculous.

As for my ex cheating, I had suspicion... I didnt know for sure. And he led me to believe that it was all my paranoia. But now I get suspisious of my current bf, but I cant even think when he would have time, I dont even know who it would be with, I just get so filled with jealousy and fear of having it happening again, I just assume it's happening. But as I said before, I check everything, email, phones..... it's stupid I know. But it's the only way I can calm myself down. Very rarely do I ever see a girl's #, or anything I should be worried about and when I do, it's always something he told me about, like talking to his bestfriend from highschool.

I just wish I could cool down this jealousy, and have more self-confidence (and thanks for some great advice Rich) because then I wouldnt feel the need to check up on him.

[eightball61]

I am still a little confused about something :confused:

So did your ex. ever admit to the cheating or did the paranoia come in the way of the relationship? :confused:


What brought you to thinking he was cheating?

[Rich]

8 Ball....I believe she had mentioned that her ex was cheating on her with a so called quasi friend of hers for 5 months.

Baby Carrot (interesting handle BTW), just work on your self confidence and know that you can control anything that you want to. Don't let your emotions control you.

I know that it still smarts, but you need to let go of the hurt from your past relationship and chaulk it up to experience. Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go. :-)

Think positively, not negatively. Live positively, not negatively. Turn your mindset around.

It's a beautiful world and you have a great guy. Enjoy the experience. Bad will come on it's own when it decides to come. No need to create anymore. Don't live in fear, live in love.

Love your BF. Trust your BF. When you really sit back and think about it, why not?

Yes, your last BF hurt you. But did the break up physically kill you? Are you dead right now? Are you hurt right now?

The answer is no! So your heart hurt a little. So what. When dealing in love you're going to have ups and downs. No biggies. Just go with it and learn from it.

Rich

[babycarrot]

Sorry for the confusion. My ex bf was cheating on me for 5 months, I had suspision that this was happening because he was acting a lot different than he had been (not my sweet bf anymore), also he had been hanging out with this girl he was really good friends with in highschool who was married, and he would talk about her a lot, so first I accused him of liking her which he denied, and I know this is weird but the became different, maybe like he learned something new, so thats another reason. Lots of other little things, like her calling him late at night, ect. So I accused him of cheating on me with this girl, which he denied saying I was being crazy, over reacting, this girl is married, she is just sad because her husband was away in the military and needs a friend who'll listen. So I tried to believe him, tried to trust him, but the rest of the relationship was spiraling down. And finally her husband came back, and they were having issues so they seperated but he called me (we had never talked previous) to tell me she admited to cheating on him with my bf, since 5 months earlier. Even when I told him I knew, for sure, he denied it for a good hour, then finally admited it. I broke up with him....... and now I am with my current bf who I met soon after breaking up with my ex.

[eightball61]

8 Ball....I believe she had mentioned that her ex was cheating on her with a so called quasi friend of hers for 5 months.




Rich, I do understand that but she kept using phrases like; paranoia,signs of him cheating, & suspicion. With these words it makes me confused to on whether the cheating really did happen.

She also states "As for my ex cheating, I had suspicion... I didnt know for sure"


See what mean??

[eightball61]

Even when I told him I knew, for sure, he denied it for a good hour, then finally admited it. .


There it is :D Thank you babycarrot ;)

The goal now is to get over this..... :confused: As I stated before its going to be very hard. Your ex. left a mark on you. You need to find a way to work on yourself and get your mind thinking positive things. This is not an easy task and you may be like this for a long time.

What you don't want is this jealousy to ruin any of your future relationships. You understand that you can't hold back your partner from not talking to anyone or sticking by yourside at all times. He checks in with you more often where you need to see the positive in that. He doesn't leave you hanging nor ditches you for these friends.

Its going to take work but you just need to fight these feelings away. Being jealous will not help out your relationship. The only thing you can do is have your partner work with you some, fight these thoughts off, and try to be more positive. Keep your mind busy when he is out by doing something with your friends or a hobby.

[AlexCrystal]

Baby Carrot,
One thing you need to stop doing (and I'm living proof!!) is to stop digging through his stuff. That in itself will drive you bonkers.....you will start to read into every little thing and your mind will eventually start to believe he may be up to no good...when in reality he's not. (Mine is a more sticky situation though)
I have a huge trust issue...which jelousy and trust go hand in hand.
The first step to trusting him is to stop looking through his stuff. I think that in itself will start to calm your emotions...because the whole time you are digging through his stuff...I bet your head is spinning and adrenaline pumping thinking you may find something.
Let me tell you....if you keep up the jealousy...you will lose this guy. That is for certain. Guys get tired of being accussed all the time, especially if they aren't doing anything. You will push him away further and further by every jealous action you make...guaranteed.
10 months is a good investment of time in a relationship....if he's good to you...don't blow it.
I think by now...after 10 months...you should know deep down inside if he's trustworthy.
And whatever you do...listen to Rick and 8ball....they will give you straight up advice...and for straight up girl advice...Sally will give you good advice.

[bdtraders]

Find yourself and love yourself, One of my biggest issues has been how i felt about myself in my current relaitonship, 8ball and rich and others have helped me with that. They have made me notice that one of the most important people in this world is me,

nobody wants a bf/gf that isnt happy with themselves, people want someone that is confident and strong. When I had a talk with my SO i told her straight out that i knew the amount of love in the relationship, i also told her about the jealousy issues in the relationship along with other things. One of the key things i told her was that I knew i was a great catch, (she pretty much sat there and was motionless, absorbing everything i said), when i said that she made eye contact with me and shook her head in an agreeing way.
Since my talk i have become more self confident and it shows (yes sometimesi fake it and feel down, but i dont let her see it, not right now), and she has been very receptive.
You are an awesome woman, raise your self confidence, he is dating you for a reason. You cant go throught life thinking about getting hurt in a relationship, cause the hard facts are that you will, ALL relationships have times when someone gets hurt, its how the hurt was caused and how you get passed it that make the differnce.

If you really love this guy then trust him, if you really love this guy dont hold your ex over his head, I hate to brek your heart but HE WILL LEAVE. No guy wants to be treated a certain way because of an EX of a womans, i dont care how sweet of a guy he is.

So not only do you needs to start feeling better about yourself for your own health, you need to do it for your current relationship.

Always remember he is with you now, he started dating you for some reason, he could have been dating any woman, HE CHOSE YOU!!! your the winner in his heart, take it and run with it

[luvme4ever]

um.. I really don't know wut to say, there's nothng wrong with the guy, and he loves you alot, and u know that too. But yet u're still jealous.. keep this in mind.. ur jealousy is because you afraid u'll loose him.. but too much jealousy can also drive him away. With the part that u checking his call logs email, aim.. that's kinda scary, u should stop doing that, you shouldn't b too curious, it'll only make you worries more.