Family vs. privacy?

[lakegoddess]

OK, you guys always see me in "couples" but this question is for one of my coworkers who's also one of my good friends.

A little background. She (Nisha) and her husband (Akish) got married last September. They're both Indian, mid-late 20's. Family is traditional though they're not.

So anyway, she was asking me about advice on what I think she should do in terms of buying a house. I couldn't really find a very good solution...

Here's her story. Right now she's living with Akish and her in-laws. She gets along fine with them but just wants some "alone space", I guess, with her new hubby. He lives in NJ and she was from Rhode Island so after she got married, she moved down to NJ and found a job here.

Right now Nisha & Akish want to buy a house of their own but don't really have enough money for it. So the in-laws suggested that they sell the house they're living in, get more money, and buy another nicer house.

BUT... Akish has a sister (who's also married) who has a daughter and son (I guess toddler age) that Akish's mom takes care of. So if they do decide to buy a house, since the in-laws live with Nisha and Akish, Akish thought it should be somewhere near his sister's place, so that it's easier on his mom.

Nisha has been telling me a lot about Akish's sister. Which I don't remember the name of. So let's say it's... Julie. Julie is very opinionated and really likes to get in the middle between Nisha & Akish when they're making personal decisions. Nisha tries to ignore it or whatever and sometimes talks to Akish about it so that he can sort've get Julie off their back. Now Nisha's afraid that if they all live on the same street (at least this is the house they're looking at now), Julie is going to butt into EVERYTHING they discuss and decide.

I mean, I told her that it's one thing about tradition that you live with your in-laws, and it's another when the ENTIRE family live on the same street, all trying to get up in her business. It seems like Akish is getting all the support (family and wife) and Nisha just has to suck it up and she doesn't have any family in NJ. I don't agree that Julie should need to live so close to them. I also think she deserves a little bit of freedom to herself and Akish.

So the next thing I thought of was maybe the in-laws can stay w/ Julie since mother-in-law takes care of the grandkids anyway, right? It all makes sense! Plus Nisha and Akish get to spend some alone time together in their new marriage. But Nisha says her father-in-law is very egotistical or whatever and won't want to depend on his daughter's family.

So... what now? She says Akish and her have been fighting for a very long time and she's getting really tired of it. Most of the time during fights, she just gives up and let him have his way. I told her it's not fair that she has to make the sacrifices all the time, especially since she's his family now too. He needs to see how much she's given up and he should give back a share or two.

But... how do you find the medium? What's the best thing to do? Or yet... any other constructive advice besides the things I told her?

[eightball61]

But... how do you find the medium? What's the best thing to do? Or yet... any other constructive advice besides the things I told her?


I figured I would reply since no one hasn't yet :D

I have read this before and I still don't know what type of advice to give for your friends situation. :( The only thing I can come up with is that you are being a good friend by helping her out and listening to her but in reality this issue can only be settled between her and her spouse.

They have to work as a team and find that medium together. Life in general wasn't made to make things easy. They have stumped upon something that they obviously can't come to a conclusion on and there will be arguements to it. Within time, they will come to an agreement..... Its hard to tell what or when it will be but a conclusion will be made & if not they have to work on this more.

The only thing you can do is continue the role of being a great friend ;)

[bdtraders]

IMO and i know its to late, if you are going to take the HUGE step of gettting married, you should also live on your own. Theres no reason why a married couple should be living with parents.

They need to get their own apartment, studio loft, something, they need to get out from under "the family". All the family is going to do is ruin their marriage.

Now since they are already marreid and living there and cant afford to get out, they should start making goals to get out. Im the mean time the need to go with the flow, they chose to be in this predicament with the sister and family. Until they are able to get out on their own and away from this, they have ZERO choice but to blow her off and go with the flow.

They just need to get their own place, work on their own life, and have thier own marriage. Right now their marraige is being dictated by where the family wants to move and so forth. Sorry to say but its their own fault.

[SALly]

It's a family issue. There is nothing you can do except be there for your firends and try to help them out whenever possible. I beleive it is partly her fault as well. She knew what she was getting into getting married. I'm sure they knew the traditions of the parents. Why only now is she deciding she doesn't like the situation. Maybe it would help if you tried to console her and tell her things will get better..bring up the bright side... ..instead of telling her it will be hell living on the same street, etc.

[luvme4ever]

Well.. all I have to say is that.. her husband have to be the one telling his sister to back off. sometime people don't know wut they're doing until someone pointed them out. With all respect there is to family members. it'll b best if her husband point to his own sister that they he is now married, and dissicion can only be made by his wife and himself only. I'm sure the sister won't take it personally if her brother pointed it out. If no one say anything, it'll keep continueing.

[lakegoddess]

Thanks guys. I know there's no perfect solution to this. I know she keeps telling me, "You think that all you need is love in order to get married, but there's so much more to it that I didn't plan to happen." I hate to say it too, but I also think she probably didn't think it out in the beginning. Maybe when you're 'so in love', you think you can do anything - get along with in-laws, etc - but when reality comes, you can't.

I don't know what it's like with marriage, but that ought to suck! :(

[eightball61]

Thanks guys. I know there's no perfect solution to this. I know she keeps telling me, "You think that all you need is love in order to get married, but there's so much more to it that I didn't plan to happen." I hate to say it too, but I also think she probably didn't think it out in the beginning. Maybe when you're 'so in love', you think you can do anything - get along with in-laws, etc - but when reality comes, you can't.




There will always be problems in a relationship or marriage but finding a solution with your partner is whats makes the bond between you both tighter. My view has always been, that I want to live with my partner before I get married with them. To me I feel its better to feel out the living style and see what you both can adapt to together.

Marriage and relationships are built strong around teamwork and if no teamwork can get handled then it makes things very tough in the relationship. We all have different opinions but when sharing a life with someone you both have to hop in each others shoes to view all sides so the situation can be better assest and easily resolved....sometimes though things are not that easy to solve though.