Dating a divorce man

[arch]

Here goes my story....

Anyways, I've been dating a divorced man for some 7 months. He's divorced for about 5 years or so.

He's very distant and keeps things to himself. I have hard time getting information out of him and we don't talk often. We only have dates.

I did pursue one question further - about any relationships since his divorce.

I knew he had gone out on dates but never heard mention of any relationships. He started to say he had one but then said it didn't last long so he sorta took it back. My guess is he's had none. Is this a bad sign? He was married 15 years.

It probably doesn't matter because I think since it's turned physical (a few weeks ago) he's backed off quite a bit and then last week when I talked to him telling him basically that I wanted more than just "dating" he's practically avoided me so I guess I'm trying to figure it out.

:confused:

[someonesgirl]

A divorce can be very traumatizing. Has he told you the details of the divorce? Maybe it wasnt something HE wanted, or his wife cheated or whatever. He may be very hesitant to put his trust in anyone right now. The wound is still fresh. A marriage of 15 years isnt forgotten overnight. He is likely not ready to commit to anything just yet, and its normal. He probably is just imagining that since 15 years went down the drain, he shouldnt jump into anything else right away. His drawing back from you may just be some left over animosity towards his ex. He may not want to confide in you because he is feeling a lack of self worth and is feeling very volitile. Some men take a while to come around after a divorce. I dated a divorced man for over a year before he would even talk about the divorce. He was really hurt, he never really wanted it to end. So, just be very encouraging and supportive. Let him come to you. If he is comfortable and doesnt feel he'll be judged or critisized, he'll come to you.

[Skye]

Ok, you tell him you want more than "dating" and he's avoiding you?

Things get physical and instead of bonding and bringing you closer, its distanced the rel~?

You will either be patient to endure the hardship and the issues, or you will find another man with less baggage.

Sorry, he needs to sort out his past before there is a future with you.

Whether or not you want to be his supporter and cushion while he gets thru it, depends on your level of commitment to him
All the best.

[SLowHatchGrL]

Ok, this thread is hella old but I'm kind of with a guy that is like this.
Here's the deal:
He was married for almost 6 years and they had been friends for like 10 years. Two children 4 and 5 years old. She cheated on him several times in the last year or so of their marriage. Sooo, he meets me about 8 months after they had completely separated and ended the marriage. They still are friends for the children. He has told me multiple times that there would never be anything of a relationship like they had before. I believe him on that. We've been together now for almost 2 years. I'm friends with his ex. She's told me that they would never "hook up" ever again and that they were friends long before getting intimate with eachother.
I guess you could say that all of my red flags with this guy went up a little after we started dating.
He's told me from the start he can't be 100% committed to me. Ok, I was always fine with that because I wasn't looking for a total commitment. We enjoyed each other and still do. Well, since we've been in the relationship he's had the stuff from his past come back and mess his head up. He would say, I just need some alone time to figure stuff out. That we needed to slow down.
Ok, so I knew that things felt to me they were going great then all of a sudden he just flips a switch and he's totally different. I would let him do what he needed to do and he would always come back.
I'm not innocent in this relationship. I had stuff from my past that was messing me up too.
We kept plugging on. By Nov of last year he had pretty much moved into my place. We stopped staying at his at this point.
We would stop communicating and he would run away again.
Here we are almost 2 years in and about a week ago he runs away from me again. Telling me again that it's not me it's him and he needs to be alone for a bit. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be happy. Doesn't know if he wants not only to be with me but with any woman. That this isn't fair for me and I just need to move on. Always he's told me these things when we have gotten to this point.
He's trying to get his house rented out and tells me once he gets the house situation taken care of it will be a big relief off of his shoulders and mind.
He's currently staying at his mother's house while he goes through this "funk". I asked him why he didn't stay at his house and he said he didn't want to feel the "bad memories". That being there would just have him thinking about all the alone times and hurtful times in his past. I can understand him on that.
He had planned out for us to go to dinner on Friday night. Well, Friday night came and we had met for dinner and I was an emotional wreck. I had asked him why did he want to go to dinner and he told me because he wanted to see me and so we could just hang out. After dinner he still wanted to go spend time together like play putt putt or something. I was still a wreck. I was questioning him about all this and what is happening between us.
He told me that he still thinks we have a future together. That right now he just needs a friend and it would be best if we didn't have or anything. Because it would just be harder on both of us. So, finally he was like I just have to go and we hug and kissed. I got home and confided in my friend over the phone and just started to feel better. We didn't talk to each other at all on Saturday. I broke down and txted him today. We talked a few times on the phone. I wasn't all emotional with him which helps.
He's still not healed emotionally. I understand that. Despite how hard this has been for both of us. Especially on me. I understand that he is doing this for himself finally.
What's hard for me is he was trying to tell me that oh well lets just hang out and be friends. That's not gonna work for either of us. He still has his stuff here at my house and he tells me he doesn't want to get any of it.
I know what the standard answer is going to be. That I need to just have him get his stuff and we need to just cut all ties and communication.


Any opinions, advise? LOL!

[lovingcouples]

We don't know the reason for his divorce. I assume it could be he is having some health or ual problems. If he is trying to avoid you when you told him that you would like to take the relationship further, probably this could be the reason. Not every man likes to reveal his ual problems due to embarrassment. This could be one of the reasons.

[Rich]

I just don't get it. People make life much more difficult than it needs to be with all of the melodramatics and all.

I can see if he was hurt from his wife and the divorce and took the position that he never wanted to get married again. That's one thing. He can then just be honest and say that all I'm ever going to be is a friend and partner and I'm never getting married again. Then it's up to the girl if she wants to stay and accept that or not.

On the other hand people just need to accept reality and the here and now. He's divorced! Get over it! Move on with your life. If he's the type of man that likes being married and having that special someone in his life, then you say to yourself, ok that didn't work out. I know what was done right, what was done wrong to ruin the relationship and now I'm going to turn the page, look forward and go find another girl to spend the rest of my life with.

It's really that easy. Look forward, have a purpose and sense of direction and then move towards it. You can't move forward successfully if you're always looking backwards at what was. Your BF keeps looking backwards at something that is gone and is not coming back. To me that's just wasted energy.

Life is kinda like driving a car in that what is it that you should be looking through when you drive, the front windshield, or the rear view mirror? Which is bigger? Of course it's the front windshield that's bigger and it's because you need all the vision that you can get to see and worry about what's in front of you, as opposed to what's behind you.

People just need to accept reality and move on. If you don't like what happend in the past, then try your damdest to never let it happen again.

[adoodle]

Here goes my story....

Anyways, I've been dating a divorced man for some 7 months. He's divorced for about 5 years or so.

He's very distant and keeps things to himself. I have hard time getting information out of him and we don't talk often. We only have dates.

I did pursue one question further - about any relationships since his divorce.

I knew he had gone out on dates but never heard mention of any relationships. He started to say he had one but then said it didn't last long so he sorta took it back. My guess is he's had none. Is this a bad sign? He was married 15 years.

It probably doesn't matter because I think since it's turned physical (a few weeks ago) he's backed off quite a bit and then last week when I talked to him telling him basically that I wanted more than just "dating" he's practically avoided me so I guess I'm trying to figure it out.

:confused:


does he have kids?
if so, be aware they are going to cause you nothing but grief being the step in their life, more so if his ex is filled with malice and tries to hurt her ex thorugh turning the kids on him !
With some of those guys who are divorced you will find they are deeply wounded in the capacity to trust and love fully again and need years of counseling, but hardly any ever seek it.
If you ask me the fact he is pulling away and giving you all the signs he's not that into you, you should back off.
Sometimes ( hate to say) them divoced guys are just looking for casual , to make them feel good about themselves, like they still GOT IT and full of head games to build their ego. That he backed off, maybe you just got very lucky to know now, he isn't that into you. I wouldn't call or contact him anymore.