i need advice a 7 year relationship stay or go

[Sezario20]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating since i was 17 and him 21. We have a great relationship. We recently got engaged. 4 months before the wedding I decided I didn't want to get married. We didn't have a fight. I just feel like i missed a part of my life. I never really got to date and be on my own. We started dating right after I got out of high school. He is older and is ready to settle down and im not sure if i am. After 7 almost 8 years I feel as if i should be sure. I love him and he is my best friend. But we recently moved to NH from MA. So I am also missing my friends and family. It's very hard to pick up and leave. But i feel if i dont i will never truely be happy. When I go down to Mass i wish i were single and not tied down. But when i am in New Hampshire I want to look for houses and think about having children. I cant make up my mind! Every time i decide to leave and move back to Mass He Makes Me feel like i should stay. I cant hurt his feelings and ruin our great relationship becuase i love him, but i feel something is definatly missing what should i do? :confused:

[Diablo]

We always want what we can't have. Are you sure you aren't just getting cold feet? If he's so great, why do you feel more comfortable discussing this on a messageboard comprised of people you don't know, rather than with him? Perhaps you want to date around before settling down, but what if you can only find jerks after becoming ready to settle down? There's no guarantee that you'll find another suitable man later if you throw him over. You'll always wonder what you missed if you don't, but the truth is that you wouldn't miss much. You should think it over before breaking the engagement.

[bdtraders]

ok lets say you take a break to go live the life you feel you missed and he finds someone else and hits it off with her will it devestate you? Do you want him to go date someone else, do you want him to go share his bed with another woman? Ask yourself these things, like diablo said are you sure its just not cold feet about the wedding. What did he say when you called off the wedding, im sure you have put some doubt about your love for him in his mind now.
Only you know whats right to do in your case, do you trully love this guy? If you do then wait on the marriage and see where it goes, if you stil have the urge to see other people then break up with him and see other people because your not in love with him, you love him, but your not in love. When your partner satisfies your heart, mind, body and soul then you are in love, you will want no other, need no other and you will know you want him forever.
Let me guess when your back home all your girlfriends are single and kicking up thier heels, and you miss that.
Just ask yourself if he is worth the loss, and the chance. You can still be married and go hang out with the girls and go clubbing and whatever, the only diiffernce will be you commited your life to someone. So is the partying that you miss or the differnt guys? Cause you can still party and be married, you just cant partake of the differnet fruits.

[Sezario20]

this is her SO and my take on the whole situation is that i love her and we have made future plans then the wedding plans went awire and caused some problems so i agreed if she wasnt ready to get married that was fine we could do it at a later date. she says she wants to go be her own person and make her own decisions which is things she can do here. we decided to move here to make a better life for ourselves and oour children when we have them. she misses her friends and family but the truth is her parents live in florida a sister in minnesota and one in rhode island the only family she has in mass is her grandmother. her friends have been off and on there for here ever since i've known her were as ive ALWAYS been there thru thick and thin. i love her to death but i honestly think she is being very selffish. she wants to go be single ,live that life style and hang out with friends. last night i asked her if she was sure she wanted to leave and she said i dont know but if i do ill know at some point weather i made the right decision or not. im not willing to trhow away this relationship and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work

[bdtraders]

You both need to sit down and talk. Communicate.

How did you know she posted on here? And does she know you posted on here now?

[Sezario20]

yes we both know each of us posted on here. and we have sat down and talked a few times and this is the problem she comes up with

[bdtraders]

Well she needs to decide what she wants, she can have you and still have fun but remain loyal or she can loose you and go party elseware.

You need to decide what you want also, i would be questioning her motives after you told her she can still go out and have fun even if shes with you.

Honestly to me sounds like she wants more partners. But thats just my opinion.Could be wrong.

[Sezario20]

What My SO LAcks in is trust in me. If i do go out he checks my recent call log and text messages. He thinks that I'm only out to find someone else. I just wish he would trust me. He always wonders why i don't want him to go out with me. The reason is i think i would have mopre fun without him. There is reasons why he might not be able to trust me. But the stuff is in the past so i dont think he should worry about it. I would also enjoy another partner becasue i know hes had PLENTY!

[luvme4ever]

The problem about this is that you're not happy. Even if he's one in a million.. but still u're not happy, u should b strong and go find happiness. things happen for a reason. I feel like u sometime, People often tell me that I'm young and beautiful, living in a familiy with parents who love me, the only daughter of a wealthy family with many guys going after me. Why would I want to stay with the first guy i fall in love with? The only answer I can give them is.. becuase i'm happy, even when my parents are agaisnt me dating him. and so many troubles have comes our ways. But still, I remain with him. Just because of the reason I AM HAPPY.

[bdtraders]

You and him need time apart, if he has trust issues and you have issues, if you want a differnet partner for WHATEVER reason you two need to break up.

[Sezario20]

I want to go be happy but I dont know if iil ever find someone like him. I want to go just have some time alone and see if he is really what i want. But I know that is selfish and i cant expect him to wait that long

[luvme4ever]

it's a big world out there, where many risk have to b taken. don't let fear hold u back. You guys aren't married now, and you're already this miserable, imagine when you're married, by then. it'll b more harder on you. Have a talk with him, tell him you need a break to find the answer u're looking for. Yes it will hurt him a lil bit.. but rather than later on, he find out you're not happy being with him. For you to do this, is helping you and him.. you're not selfish.

[SALly]

it's a big world out there, where many risk have to b taken. don't let fear hold u back. You guys aren't married now, and you're already this miserable, imagine when you're married, by then. it'll b more harder on you. Have a talk with him, tell him you need a break to find the answer u're looking for. Yes it will hurt him a lil bit.. but rather than later on, he find out you're not happy being with him. For you to do this, is helping you and him.. you're not selfish.
Great post!! If you not sure you are happy now, then think about in five years if you do get married and start a family. What then? You think all of a sudden you will be happy and not want those other partners anymore. And do you think he will all of a sudden start trusting you? Doubt it? After you are married a lot more is involved, especially if you have kids. It won't be as easy as it would be now to take a break and make sure this is really what you both want.

[bdtraders]

take a break, its what you need and if its makes things worse for you two then it was never meant to be, you both have alot of issues that you both need to resolve inside yourselves before you even think of becoming a healthy couple

[eightball61]

Wow...Confusing post :rolleyes: I find it really wierd on how how they both came into this post under the same name :confused: I mean if he is as jealous as she says he is about her then I would imagine him reading this post would make things worse knowing she is thinking like this............


Anyway, it is a big world out there. We are always going to feel as if we missed out on something. That fear will always run in the back of a persons mind. As an individual you live your life the way you want it to be. If you fell that you are not ready and you dont want to miss out on anything then you go do what you want to do. I will say though that some ont in your life you will need to make the decision on settling down. If you didn't then you are going to feel that you missed out on that. You are young though and unsure which direction you want your life so just go with the flow and make decisions based as they come to you....have fun and make your life enjoyable for you ;)

[Sezario20]

as far as weird both of us posted not really we were both sitting here reading posts and decided to post our problem to see what people thought. Jealousy is not as big of and issue as its said out to be in these posts.we have some problems as all relationships due. by the way this is the SO posting.
As of this morning i woke up next to her in bed and thigs just didnt feel right so i woke her up.i told her we will pack her things and move her back to MASS on sunday and talk about the things that went on over the month of may on june 1st. this is in no way what i want but after lots of thinking i realize she needs this. Im gonna act like you i used to before we ever met up single and living life maybe i will find someone in a month that i fall for or maybe i wont same with her. but after 7 years if she wants the break to make sure our next 20,30,40 years is exactly what she wants i cant hold her back no more.
In my heart i hope she figures herself out and wants to come back . also in my heart im hoping that this doesnt distance me from her and bring her closer to me. but ya never know.
anyways so to say we are splitting up and knowone knows if its the right,wrong,best,worst,or stupidist thing we have done but we're going ahead with it.and only time will tell what happens from here. she might come on and post im not sure .

to all of you who posted thank you some i agree with some i dont. when knew news devolps down the road i will repost in this thread so you knows what happens.
thank you again
a broken hearted man

[SALly]

as far as weird both of us posted not really we were both sitting here reading posts and decided to post our problem to see what people thought. Jealousy is not as big of and issue as its said out to be in these posts.we have some problems as all relationships due. by the way this is the SO posting.
As of this morning i woke up next to her in bed and thigs just didnt feel right so i woke her up.i told her we will pack her things and move her back to MASS on sunday and talk about the things that went on over the month of may on june 1st. this is in no way what i want but after lots of thinking i realize she needs this. Im gonna act like you i used to before we ever met up single and living life maybe i will find someone in a month that i fall for or maybe i wont same with her. but after 7 years if she wants the break to make sure our next 20,30,40 years is exactly what she wants i cant hold her back no more.
In my heart i hope she figures herself out and wants to come back . also in my heart im hoping that this doesnt distance me from her and bring her closer to me. but ya never know.
anyways so to say we are splitting up and knowone knows if its the right,wrong,best,worst,or stupidist thing we have done but we're going ahead with it.and only time will tell what happens from here. she might come on and post im not sure .

to all of you who posted thank you some i agree with some i dont. when knew news devolps down the road i will repost in this thread so you knows what happens.
thank you again
a broken hearted man
Goodluck- I'm very interested to hear how things work out. I hope you keep in touch with us.

[eightball61]

SO why did you both move to Mass. in the first place? would it be to hard if you went back with her to work things out?


I am glad to see that you both came an adult agreement. It is hard and something like this is not meant to be easy. The only thing that you can do is work with what you have right now and see what the future may bring. If you have the means to stay in Mass. then don't give up your life to move back while waiting for a decision from her that may never bring you both back as a couple. You are doing all you can do at this time and giving her space is the only way for her to figure out what it is she may want.

[Rich]

I feel for your decision. I know that it sucks and that it's hard. I wish you the best of luck.

Just know that what you're facing is what A LOT of couples face that have dated for a long time. Since their teen years.

What happens is that when you turn 18 and go to college, you start to gain freedom. That time of life is the best time of life because you're old enough to drive, go to bars and pretty much do anything that you want. You're an adult. You also don't have the pressures of a career and having to get up everyday and go to work. It's the best time of life!

By dating someone and being committed to one person throughout that time period, either one or both persons feel cheated. Like they missed out on some really good stuff. Especially the part.

Once a person gets past the fear of what society, their parents, their church and their school says about and how bad it is, they see that it's nothing to be afraid of, that it's actually kind of fun and they want to do more of it. Being with one person througout the beginning portion of one's ual growth is like eating ice cream for the first time.

Say your whole life that all you heard growing up was about ice cream and how great is was. Then the first time that you were allowed to have ice cream, that you had vanilla and LOVED it. You loved it sooo much that you bought a vanilla ice cream machine (long term relationship).

After awhile of eating vanilla and getting experienced with it, you finally woke up to realize, that hey, there's all types of flavors out there to try. But damn, I bought this friggin vanilla ice cream machine that I'm stuck with. The machine is in great shape, kicks out great vanilla ice cream, but I want to try something else.

So what to do?

That's your GF and . You're vanilla. The best thing to do is to let her go and experience other flavors because if you "force her" to stay with you, she'll always be thinking about it and will probably be unhappy. She'd might also sneak out for another flavor.

And there's nothing to say that after experiencing other flavors, that she doesn't say "hey, you know what? Out of all of them I like vanilla the best". But at least she's got to try.

This happens all the time with couples that only dated each other through their teen and early twenty years. They never last. If they get married, they divorce. They just don't last.

It's called human nature. Nothing you can do about it. People want to experience. They just do.

It's sucks, I know. But good luck.

Rich

[Diablo]

If y'all are both wanting to be with other people, you should at least rethink the engagment. There's nothing wrong with a couple being with other people, but if that's what y'all want, there's no point in y'all being married either.

[Sezario20]

heres the first update: we moved her back to massachusetts yesterday morning. it was very tough for me to see her go. the night went ok till late when i needed to hear her voice so we talked. this morning before i left to come back to NH i stopped by reassured her that i loved her cryed alittle bit and left. was even harder today than yesterday. so where gonna see what happens from here . we're going to try to not communicate that much, but that will be very hard for me at first. well more updates as they come

[eightball61]

I thought she lived in NH and you both moved to Mass?

You also mention that you won't communicate that often..Why? I can understand if you both just want to move on with your lives but if you plan to keep things going in the future or like to then it would be wise to keep the communication rolling.

[Sezario20]

we both lived in mass and moved to nh. as far as the communication i dont know i wanna communicate as much as possible but not sure if i can handle that so im thinking like every other day or more. she wants time alone so i feel like by communicating alot to her she wont have the time alone

[eightball61]

Thanks for the clarification and please keep us posted. I do hope she can pop on every now and then so we know how she is dealing with this....take care :)

[quad aces]

i went ahead and got my own name for the forum now. so this is me and the sezario20 name is hers. not sure if she'll come in and post or not though

[Howard]

i went ahead and got my own name for the forum now. so this is me and the sezario20 name is hers. not sure if she'll come in and post or not though


Welcome Quad. ;)

[quad aces]

well a week has gone by now and it was a very long week for me. had a few days that were down right miserable crying anxiety etc.. had a few days of ok days.. we saw each other just 2 days last week.. i keep the communication line open but not too extensivly.. she is liking her time alone in some ways but not in others she said.. yesterday she was to go on a date and the guy blew her off tough thing to happen when this is happening so i asked her to go on a date with me.. we went to the movies i showed up to pick her up with a single rose and things went well.. it all ended with me not wanting her to go but she did and we had a very very nice good night kiss

[eightball61]

You have to except the fact that she gonna want to move on. To me though, she is dating rather quickly but some people move on quicker than others. If it hurts you to see or hear about her doing dating around then you may need to cut your ties so you can move. Right now she is moving on while you are still stuck thinking she will come back. There is no guarantee that she will come back so you need to work on yourself right now.

[SALly]

I can't believe she had a date planned already.

[eightball61]

I can't believe she had a date planned already.



Yuh I know...For a girl that didn't want to ruin the relationship because of love I'd say she moved on fairly quickly.

Here's her quote

I cant hurt his feelings and ruin our great relationship becuase i love him,.

[Rich]

As I mentioned in a previous posting, when someone wants a "break", they pretty much have in their heart on ending the relationship but that they can't bring themselves to just break it off. They figure going on a break will cushion the hurt or blow. Immature way out.

[SALly]

Hey Quad, I know it isn't easy but you've got to move one yourself too. Do you really think you will want her back or she will even come back...after hooking up and having fun with other guys??!!! She could come back eventually, I guess, when she is done playing around. BUT that makes you seem pretty pathetic if you just sit around crying and wasting your precious life and time waiting for her to come (if she does) back to you.

[SALly]

Like Rich said earlier--- I think she was just trying to find a way to "let you down" easy.

[eightball61]

Immature way out.


I agree with you because she even stated that at home in Mass. She wanted to be single and live the single life but when she is in NH she feels different. She went with what she wanted and now its time for him to just begin to move on. He was very adult like and respected her decision but at this point there is not more he can do.