Was I wrong?

[Lita]

I just need to know if I was wrong in the way I acted toward a friend of mine.

Lately a friend of mine has been aggressively flirting with me, saying things that I find to be a bit inappropriate considering we are friends. It got to the point where he said something to me over the phone, and I was completely stunned and had no response. I think he may have been embarrassed or angry that I took it so seriously. I ended up talking to him again on MSN the next day and we kinda got in to it.

I suppose after a day of fuming over it and assuming what he wanted to, he was so mad at me and made some really hurtful comments to me.He assumed I was offended by the comment he made, and therefore was offended by all the flirtatious comments he has made. I told him that the comment he made was just shocking and the reason I didn't have a reply was I was stunned. I told him it wasn't that I don't appreciate flirting, I was just shocked is all.

He said I use him and that talking to me is "like talking to a wall, sometimes".(These hurt me the most because I don't like that he would think so low of me.)
He also said that he flirts because he's a guy and that's what guys do.
(I didn't much like this comment, feels too much like an excuse.)
He ended up saying that he isn't like other guys and won't hurt me, but not 10 minutes before saying that, he hurt me a lot with some of the things he said to me.

Granted he is a newer friend and doesn't know a lot about my history with men and my inability to trust many people in general.

I finally came out and told him that I have a hard time trusting people and I am tired of being hurt by friends/boyfriends.

Now, he isn't talking to me at all. I am not making an effort to talk to him though, I figure he needs his space. I need my space too after all the hurtful things he said to me.

I just need to know if I was wrong in any of this. I realize I may not be the easiest person to get along with but I care deeply for the friends that take the time to get to know the real me.

If someone could advise me on what I should do about him, and if I was wrong in any way. If anyone has questions about this, in order to better advise me, please feel free to ask.

[smackie9]

Now if he said something like "you would look great on the end of my d i c k or you should be sucking on it", that's a guy who is abusive and disrespectful towards the female population. I would say he is no friend to anyone but a jack a s s.

So what was it that he said? This is an adult site.....it's ok.

[BorealSoul]

Initial reactions to surprise events, unless extreme, are not catagorized into right or wrong. The follow up is whats important.

For him to make an excuse rather than give an apology to you after he found out you were shocked/surprised tells me he is imature and won't accept the consequences of his behaviour.

As for your role in this, it seems apparent to me he is interested in you and for whatever reason you have not seen his signals, hence the 'talking to a wall' comment from him.

If you like him, use this as a growth moment and go out for coffee with him so you can both communicate face to face. Who knows.... :-)

[PrincessB]

We need more info. What is it exactly this guy said that was so shocking? We're all adults here and nobody is here to judge you personally. I'm intrigued by his accusation that he feels you are using him...the only way I could respond or offer insight is for you to share what it is he said that shocked you.

[BorealSoul]

We need more info. What is it exactly this guy said that was so shocking? We're all adults here and nobody is here to judge you personally. I'm intrigued by his accusation that he feels you are using him...the only way I could respond or offer insight is for you to share what it is he said that shocked you.

I would guess that he said that because she is being very flirty back (or he's misreading the signals) and he seems to be thinking she has been saying indirectly that she is interested in him, but stringing him along.

[PrincessB]

BorealSoul: My thoughts exactly....She has probably lead him on and done the whole "lets be friends" thing while emotionally using him like so many young woman. Not realizing how much of a user she is, she's taken everything out of context and hurt the guy.

Then there's the other possibility that he's an immature slimeball and made a remark such as what Smackie suggested. I don't like to make assumptions so we'll have to see if the OP can expound on the details of the conversation for us.

[Lita]

@ smackie9: The jist of the conversation was I was telling him it was getting late and I was tired. He said to me: "You should come over and do a strip tease, I'm sure that would wake us both up. And hey we can see where things go from there."

@PrincessB: I am not that much of a young woman. I am 28 years old. That being said, I know my current emotional position and I am not ready to have a romantic relationship with someone right now.(I am having problems with depression and anxiety.)I feel these mental health problems would make having and maintaining a relationship difficult.

@BorealSoul: I would try to invite him out for coffee, but he has yet to return a call or respond on MSN. I made my attempts and it is apparent he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now. The friendship might be over, but I still want to have some understanding and perspective on the whole thing.



I never gave him the impression that I wanted anything more then a friendship. I never flirted back with him and I thought that the slightly cold attitude toward his flirting would have been a sufficient signal that I was not interested in a relationship.



I hope this answered all of your questions. If not, I will be checking back.

[smackie9]

I was gonna say "prudish" and get over herself, but before I go off, I do need to know what was so verbally "shocking". or did he send a picture of his , which young guys are known to do....ya know it's all the rage this "ting".:rolleyes:

[smackie9]

I was gonna say "prudish" and get over herself, but before I go off, I do need to know what was so verbally "shocking". or did he send a picture of his , which young guys are known to do....ya know it's all the rage this "ting".:rolleyes:

picture of his d i c k.....

[PrincessB]

Bahaha Smackie. Way to put it straight! Yeah, I know that people do these things nowadays that's why I'm waiting to hear what his offense is before commenting. LOL!

[Lita]

Ya know what, it's ok.

Apparently me expecting other people to respect me and not look at me as just a object is being "prudish".

I can see now I won't get the insight I was hoping for here.

[smackie9]

I'm surprised you are 28. You should know by now, for time to time you will run into some SHALLOW fellow that will approach you in this manner. You don't have to invite this kind of behavior to for it to happen. He took a chance to have some casual . He barely knows you, so sure that was his mistake. Instead of freaking out like he molested you, you could have calmly said "No not interested, and I'm not that type and you need not bother to ask me that again." and be done with it. He would get the message loud and clear.

You can't take things like this personally. I assure you this is the manner he approaches anyone, and YOU were not singled out. Sounds like the type to hit on anything that moves.

***Life will be so much easier on your emotional state if you learn to let things role off your back on not take it to heart.*****

Since this guy offended you, what the hell are you doing asking him out for coffee?? You have trust issues because guys have screwed you over? You need a lesson here. Guys like him are not the type to go have coffee and a nice get to know you convo with. He is lookin to bang someone period. So I suggest forgetting being friends with him because that is what he is looking for. Please read the Ladder Theory. This will give you some honest insight on the way guys think vs. how girls think.

[Lita]

Instead of freaking out like he molested you, you could have calmly said "No not interested, and I'm not that type and you need not bother to ask me that again." and be done with it. He would get the message loud and clear.

I never said I freaked out...because I didn't. I just had no response to his flirting. HE was the one that freaked out and got all butt hurt because I didn't respond in the way he expected.

I never said I did ask him out for coffee, but if he was willing to patch things up I would have given him that chance. Since he's not, it's a lost cause and a moot point.

I was just looking for understanding by coming here. I had to know if my actions were wrong, or my willingness to try to patch things up was wrong.

He and I don't talk at all anymore since that day, so I guess this discussion is over.

I'm over it.

[PrincessB]

For the record Lita, I just saw your response with the extra info right now. I haven't even read it yet, but when I responded to Smackie your response to our questions wasn't even on here for me to see. I just had 25 messages from Relationship Forums that span responses from the last week...strange.

[PrincessB]

@ smackie9: The jist of the conversation was I was telling him it was getting late and I was tired. He said to me: "You should come over and do a strip tease, I'm sure that would wake us both up. And hey we can see where things go from there."

@PrincessB: I am not that much of a young woman. I am 28 years old. That being said, I know my current emotional position and I am not ready to have a romantic relationship with someone right now.(I am having problems with depression and anxiety.)I feel these mental health problems would make having and maintaining a relationship difficult.

@BorealSoul: I would try to invite him out for coffee, but he has yet to return a call or respond on MSN. I made my attempts and it is apparent he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now. The friendship might be over, but I still want to have some understanding and perspective on the whole thing.



I never gave him the impression that I wanted anything more then a friendship. I never flirted back with him and I thought that the slightly cold attitude toward his flirting would have been a sufficient signal that I was not interested in a relationship.



I hope this answered all of your questions. If not, I will be checking back.

Ok now for my response.

First of all, you are not prudish...that is a completely different thing from where you are right now, and where you are is a fragile place. There's a big difference. You are right to recognize that now is not the time to be getting involved in ual or romantic relationships! It is good that you have that much foresight with everything you are dealing with in depression and anxiety...That's a big battle you have before you.

You came here looking for answers and nobody's been able to offer any real insight or proper advice without knowing the further details you have now given. In response I will offer some insight that women of every age and maturity level seem to find elusive: Many men have difficulty reading women.

You may consider your responses to any advances or inappropriate behavior to be cold and standoffish, but many men will just see it as a challenge and men inherently LOVE the thrill of the chase. The most effective way of handling such situations is to just put him off completely and realize that what you had was not in the form of a friendship. By your reaction to his comments I would even suggest perhaps not having friendships with the opposite until you have the foresight and inner strength to navigate them.

You owe him no apologies, and I don't think coffee or conversation is an appropriate remedy for the situation. It is what it is and he knows where you stand...he probably thinks you're "crazy" for your reaction and let him think that. You have more important things to concern yourself with than the inner workings of a man's mind.

After the sudden death of my best friend in high school and various traumatic experiences I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD. Anxiety is a serious condition that should be handled carefully and its vital to your health that you find what works best for you. I learned to meditate and long walks helped to remedy the onsets of anxiety/panic attacks. I can't remember the last time I had one and at 28 years old I have learned to be more selective of the "friends" and people that I surround myself with. It really makes a difference to recognize the triggers and be proactive.

[PrincessB]

Ya know what, it's ok.

Apparently me expecting other people to respect me and not look at me as just a object is being "prudish".

I can see now I won't get the insight I was hoping for here.

I did not extrapolate from Smackie's response that she was labeling you as Prudish. I would reread her post. She had a valid point that there are numerous possibilities to the cause before you offered more insight to what this guy did.

Teens nowadays are ting and doing the craziest things! From our POV and from what you initially wrote, we could only imagine what horrible thing this guy did to cause such a reaction from you. For the most part, a woman would have written the guy off as a "guy" and never have taken it personally. You have stated you are battling depression and anxiety and that actually makes a lot of sense when I put everything you've written together.

If you believe what he did is a big deal then don't continue contact or communication with him...he's not the type of person you need to be around right now. I would suggest that you not take what he said personally and recognize that women are an intimidating and mysterious creature to men, and they often do not know how to socialize well with women.

Smackie's right in a later post where she suggests this guy does and/or has had such behavior to various other women! Some guys are just like that. Men also perceive and experience friendships/relationships very differently than women do, and I also hope you take that into consideration. I cannot speak for Smackie, but I am not condoning his behavior, I'm just saying that men are from mars and women are from venus. You will find a man that respects you in the way you expect to be regarded by a man, as long as you do not act bitterly when things don't go as expected (not accusing you of having been bitter just making a statement).

[Lita]

Thank you PrincessB for your response, It was exactly what I was looking for.


I do have to mention that I have been successful with friendships with guys in the past. In fact my best friend is a guy and we have been best friends for well over 5 years. I think the reason it works out so well is because he is like an older brother to me. There is nothing ual or romantic ever brought up because those feelings just aren't there.

As for now, me and this guy aren't talking at all anymore.(I may have mentioned that in my previous post, but it hasn't come up yet.) I think for all intents and purposes this is a dead end between him and I.

I do appreciate the insight you have provided. Sometimes thinking these things out through a filter of hurt and confusion,it doesn't always turn out to be rational thinking.

[smackie9]

I never said I freaked out...because I didn't. I just had no response to his flirting. HE was the one that freaked out and got all butt hurt because I didn't respond in the way he expected.

I never said I did ask him out for coffee, but if he was willing to patch things up I would have given him that chance. Since he's not, it's a lost cause and a moot point.

I was just looking for understanding by coming here. I had to know if my actions were wrong, or my willingness to try to patch things up was wrong.

He and I don't talk at all anymore since that day, so I guess this discussion is over.

I'm over it.

I never said you freaked out ON HIM. I was referring to your emotional state of being so hurt over something that can be literally brushed off. And I never accused you of being prudish. I did make sure I recanted that comment ("before I go off" as I put it) to get more of what really happened. Relax....In the future hope you DO learn to drop the hurt and confusing so YOU can see the situation for what it really is. You win some you lose some. The guy just wasn't the type to be interested in a "friendship". The dude was worth losing. Be happy with the nice respectful friends you have.

[lvl3]

Guys can get really dumb when they start crushing on their female friends. He's not upset at you he's just upset that he's not getting a chance at your kool-aid and is taking that anger out on you. BUT it's not your fault you're not into him, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. If you want to keep him as a friend try your best to be a good friend to him despite his jackass behavior, he'll eventually realise he's being an ass, see that you've been nothing but nice to him the entire time, appologize up and down and you'll have your friend back. If when he's a jack a s s you're a b*tch back to him, he'll feel justified in being a jack a s s and he'll just keep doing it until you two arn't anything close to "friends" anymore. You have every right to be a b*tch to him if he's being a jack a s s to you, however you can also do the mature/understanding thing and know he's just hurt and letting out his pain and it is something that will pass.

[packagedealx3]

He said I use him and that talking to me is "like talking to a wall, sometimes".(These hurt me the most because I don't like that he would think so low of me.) He also said that he flirts because he's a guy and that's what guys do. (I didn't much like this comment, feels too much like an excuse.) He ended up saying that he isn't like other guys and won't hurt me, but not 10 minutes before saying that, he hurt me a lot with some of the things he said to me.

This guy was never your friend, given your repost he was out for a piece of ass, then when you didn't bite, he fell back on the old you are somehow a whatever because you didn't want to jump into bed with him or have a relationship.

I wouldn't waste any time thinking about this man because he is not a friend and will never be one.

[smackie9]

BTW this poster has ditched this place for to them this subject is closed.

I think she liked this guy more than was lead us to believe. She was hoping that once they got to know more about each other he would be a gentleman and ask her out. Take her for romantic dinners, buy her flowers, open doors for her, etc. But that was all shattered when he hit on her like a cheap trollop. He was a prince that ended up being a frog. He got mad because with all his flirting, all he got out of it was a harsh shutdown.

Nothing really to be confused about. If a guy flirts, he obviously wants something and isn't into it just to have a friendship....

Ladies do yourself a favor, stop reading romance novels.....it's all a load!:p