Very Troubled

[geljet]

I am troubled with my husband.

First of all, i must say that it's my fault for not doing something he wanted me to do for a long long time.

However, i just hated the way he reacted to the situation. Especially shouting at me, with his whole family around and listening!

(1)
Everytime when we quarrel, he will be screaming and shouting that his whole family are able to listen and know what's going on. Is this normal for a couple?

(2)
I do not like the idea of his family (parents and sister) knowing that we are quarreling. And when we quarrel, he will say nasty things about me - i am lazy, i am an idotic, i spend money, i do not know how to earn money, etc etc. I feel really humiliated. What can i do?

(3)
I do not feel bad if only me and him are quarreling but the thing is his family knows about it too. And we can even shout and scream our heads off, if it's just the 2 of you. But i really do not like the idea of invasion of privacy when he shouts all the nasty things about me. Am i normal?

(4)
I feel very embarrassed to face his family too. Am I normal?

(5)
I am very sad. I will be moving in together with his family soon. And i was thinking if every time we quarrel this way and he shouts all the nasty things out and his family listens to ALL of it... i think i will have mental problem sooner or later. What can i do?

(6)
Also if i am staying with his family, and if we quarrel, i think i will just keep quiet most of the time and let him shout. I think if this goes on for long run, i will just commit sucide. What can i do?

(7)
I do not think my husband will contain our dispute among the 2 of us. He will surely shout. What can i do?

(8)
I do believe that since his family knows and/or hears most of the nasty things of me... i do believe his family believes their son (certainly). What can i do?

(9)
I am fine that just the 2 of us quarrel, but not with his family knowing. I really feel like killing myself. At times i find myself talking to myself, because i cannot out-talk him.

(10)
I feel soo lost. Pls help me.

[Vanya]

First of all when he is yelling at you and calling you names that is his stuff not yours. I know myself that its not very easy to try and see past the yelling and name calling to the root of the problem and how to solve it. Good communication is key to a loving lasting marriage and you obviously don't have it. Marriage therapy could really help you out. I know that some people are against therapy esp men. If you can't get him to go i suggest you start reading books on making your marriage happy and trying as many things as possible. Learn about the five love languages. In the end it doesn't matter what his family thinks. This is your marriage not there's. The best thing you can do when he starts yelling is either say nothing at all to him or calmly leave and give him some time to cool off.

[Ricksta]

Judging from what you have told us here, I believe you are suffering from an emotional abusive relationship. His constant need to put you down and humiliate you in general is unacceptable and there is no need for you to take this from him. I know you think that arguing without his family around would be better, but no matter the environment you are in, you have got to realise that his abusive behaviour is unacceptable, both for the marriage and for you as the person.

It makes me real sad reading what you have written here because from the result of his abusive behaviour you are actually questioning yourself. I am sorry to hear how this is happening to you, but you have got to take a stand and stop letting him step over you. I understand he is louder than you and you are unable to talk over him, but being civilised and mature is often the best weapon since he would most probably become speechless and sometimes silence is good.

Marriage is about acceptance and understanding and obviously, he is only here to put you down and humiliate you and it is plain wrong for him to keep on pushing harmful words down your throat because you are right that you could potentially go crazy like this and when you are constantly bombarded with insults and nasty names it is easy for you to begin believing them, even when they are completely wrong and groundless.

What it comes down too is this: your privacy is totally necessary, but yet his behaviour is not only unnecessary, but also unacceptable. All there left is honest communication. If he is still acting this way towards you, then you will see his true colours and you are going to have to make a big decision.

Trust me when I say that love is all about encouragement and not criticism and you deserve nothing but encouragement because a husband is supposed to love you instead.

Listen. There is nothing wrong with you, all right? No matter what your husband says about you or anyone else for that matter, nothing and no one will ever be able to take away the person you are; everything you are, everything you are becoming and everything you are going to become both as a woman and as a person.

As for committing suicide, please don't even think about that! I know you are hurting right now and I know that somewhere in your heart you feel this is all you are worth, but the fact is that you are a special young lady with a beautiful heart and you have so much to live for and so much to accomplish. Your life is invaluable in every way and that is something you need to always remember because that will never change.

You have to ask yourself something though. Do you honestly think that you deserve to be treated this way and do you honestly believe that love and marriage is supposed to be this way?

If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to e-mail me because I am here for you, okay? And remember something, this is about you and your heart matters, too. :)

[geljet]

Thank you very much for all ur replies.

Tears roll down when i read all your replies.

I thank vanya and Ricksta for your really kind advice and views.

I am feeling much better now. Everything's out of my chest. Heart's open now. Having a rainbow feeling now.

Thank you very very much. It's great to know nice people like you!

:) :p

[Ricksta]

The pleasure is mine and I believe I can say without a doubt that we are all going to be here for you. :)

[sunshine]

i feel so sorry for you i have lived in this for 6 years. you need to show him that you are as mean as he is. show him that you can yell to,when he yells you yell to.dont ever clam up make your point and be tough. theres only 1 person looking out for #1 and thats you. my husband used to yell and when i got tough and yelled back and started throwing things he realized that he wasnt the only one in control.. has he ever hit you? if he does its time to leave , dont ever let a man know you are scared of him b/c if you do they have got you right where they want you. always remember that to a man arguing is a game to see who can hurt the other the most, by the time they are done they dont remember half of what they have said.. just dont let him win.. stand up for your self embarrass him in front of his family the way he does you maybe he will see how it feels... :rolleyes:

[Jabippy]

I agree with Ricksta. What you have described is obviously an abusive relationship. You shouldn't tolerate being yelled at or being called names. You need to put your foot down and tell him he needs to stop that kind of behavior or you will leave him. If you aren't willing to leave him in order to put an end to that behavior than sadly you are in for a rough ride because it will most likely escalate into physical abuse.

Please care enough about yourself to be willing to end a relationship if it is abusive. There is no reason anyone should put up with being abused for longer than it takes to pack up and leave. If you are financially dependent on him and have no where else to go you need to get an education and a job as quickly as you can and then leave. Don' waste years of your life being unhappy when you could be happy instead.

[Rich]

Please don't feel that you have to accept the treatment that your husband dishes out to you.

Your husband is seriously lacking in the respect department towards you and your relationship. Please don't feel that you're wrong in thinking that issues between couples should be dealt with in private, because they should be! What your husband is doing is wrong.

You also you shouldn't feel that quarreling is ok, because it isn't. There might be disagreements here and there, but arguing all the time is wrong. There are some deeper issues that need to be looked at between you two.

No disrespect intended here, but from your writing style I get a sense that maybe you're of a different culture then being an American. Maybe Middle Eastern or Asian. Would that be a true statement or guess? My apologies if that's not true and I meant no disrespect. But if it is true, does your culture commonly see husbands treating their wives that way? Or are husbands usually condidered superior to their wives?

I ask that because if it is a cultural thing, then your husband has a bigger hill to climb before he starts to treat you and your marriage with the respect that your inner heart is looking for. And he might not even be able to do it because of that whole male pride mindset of some cultures.

If it isn't true, then your husband might have some psychological issues (bi-polar, skitzo) that maybe needs to be diagnosed.

My ex-wife used to (and still does, LOL) yell and scream all the time. We used to fight over really stupid crap when there was no reason for it. Sometimes we fought over stuff she created in her mind and then thought real. It didn't matter what time of day or night it was. It didn't matter if the kids were sleeping and it was two in the morning. It didn't matter if it was summer with all the windows opened and the neighbors hearing every word.

I would ask my wife to lower her voice and to think about what she was doing. Sometimes I wouldn't even say anything to hopefully calm her down. But all to no avail. Our marriage counselor even told my wife that she needed not to do what she was doing. That it wasn't easy, but it's what she needed to do for the kids sake. But even that didn't make a difference.

With my ex-wife, when she was pissed off she would lose her mind. Couldn't think logicaly and would say and do anything. She had no control and couldn't gain control. Her doc finally prescribed some meds to keep her even keeled, but she didn't think that she needed them and stopped taking them. I chose not to live the rest of my life like that or with that.

What I'm getting at is that maybe your husband needs some professional help in how to control his rage. Some help in how he should view and treat your marriage. Some help in communication and how to express his feelings. Yelling isn't the answer. He's controlling you and intimidating you.

I wish you luck. Don't accept what your heart is telling you that you shouldn't. And if it applies, don't culturally accept what is becoming an antiquated way of thinking. And please, please, please DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. That is not the answer. By doing that you're agreeing to the concept that your life is worth less then your husbands. IT ISN'T!!!!

All life is precious and we're all equals. Think more of yourself. Trust yourself that you can survive without your husband. YOU CAN. Get a divorce, don't kill yourself.

Rich

[smackie9]

You have doormat symdrome. You've been letting him get away with the abuse for way too long. Put your foot down, and tell him to get some help. Maybe he needs to take some anger management courses. You both need marriage counselling too, it will bring out those issues that need real attention. Good Luck to You.