View Full Version : my boyfriend has no drive
well i have lived with my bf for nearly 2 years now. but he hardly has a drive. i practically have to beg for , and he will always try to put it off for another night, he says he loves me, and i know he isnt cheating on me cause im always with him wherever and whenever he goes out except when he goes to work, when i touch him he starts to get aroused but says he is too tired and and gets all moody if i try to persist. i know he has no problem getting an . and when we do have he says it felt good. so what could be his problem?? and no hes not lol. any suggestions on how to get him to want more often. ive tried everything. it is really frustrating on me as my last relationships i had just about everyday.
eightball61
04-30-2005, 12:05 PM
Your at the end of your rope here. You have tried what you can but the only real person to turn things around is him. You have been having a lot of problems in this relationship and I recommend you go back to the post where your ex. wants you back for my advice. As a summary, I think its best you just take a break from it all and decide what "you" want.
or
Try self-pleasure...Its not the same but its works for me when I get lonely. :p
Diablo
04-30-2005, 08:43 PM
What type of work does he do and how much time does he put in? Your problem may be that work is draining all of his energy.
Howard
04-30-2005, 10:11 PM
Maybe you can convince him to have ? :confused:
Howard
04-30-2005, 10:12 PM
Your at the end of your rope here. You have tried what you can but the only real person to turn things around is him. You have been having a lot of problems in this relationship and I recommend you go back to the post where your ex. wants you back for my advice. As a summary, I think its best you just take a break from it all and decide what "you" want.
or
Try self-pleasure...Its not the same but its works for me when I get lonely. :p
Yeah eightball,now you're talking.Self-Pleasure is the best pleasure you can get out of yourself. :D
he works 8 hours a day, somtimes 10, mon to fri. he works on a wood cutting machine. hes only 38. all he wants to do when hes not working is watch movies or sleep. except when he is doing somthing he likes, like fishing or hunting then WOW he suddenly is full of energy. i shouldnt have to pleasure myself when i have a bf that should be doing that for me.
eightball61
05-01-2005, 12:37 AM
. i shouldnt have to pleasure myself when i have a bf that should be doing that for me.
Then you need one that will be ually into you. All he thinks of himself and nothing about you.
bdtraders
05-01-2005, 12:43 AM
how much should you have to have a healthy ual relationship, once a week, a day, weeks, month?
eightball61
05-01-2005, 12:53 AM
how much should you have to have a healthy ual relationship, once a week, a day, weeks, month?
Good question and it actually varys from couple to couple. though, is what keeps many physicals aspects to a relationship. Even though most people say is minor it actually plays a huge role in relationships.
is known to die down after a while in a relationship but its important to keep things flowing. When a family is started its hard to find time for inbetween kids, work, daily activities, ect. but still can be managed. doesn't have to be a daily activity but I would say at least once or twice a week would be good to keep the blood flowing.
Me and my girlfriend were very active the first few months in our relationship but over time it has changed. Our relationship is still the same and we never lost any feelings over the limited . We do have at least twice a week. Sometimes we may go a week with only doing it once but its hard right now because of many personal factors. I am sure though once we lived together that will all change. This routine has worked for us, it ma not work for some and thats because it does vary from couple to couple.
bdtraders
05-01-2005, 01:16 AM
Yea thats what i want to find out how often they do have , I know me and my SO used to have daily sometimes multipple times a day, now its down to a couple times a week, at first it kinda made me question it (like maybe shes doing) but then i realized some guys dont get it but a few times a month.
So Mia how often do you and him have ?
Mathias1917
05-01-2005, 01:38 PM
Mia, if one of the things he likes to do is watch movies then try watch some adult videos with him. :D
we have about 3-4 times a month.
oh yeh i forgot to add though, that i have to beg for this, he never makes a move on me, and when i ask him for it, he never ever has given in right away, he always puts it off till another day, the next day comes and he will put it off again, promising the next day, then when that day comes promises again for sure tomorrow, and thats frustrating enuff too. if i didnt persist i bet he would go for a month of more without it.
mathias i have tried asking him if he wants to watch them but he says no they dont interest him. ive tried different herbs, like testesterone, biovigora, and even had him take a viagra one time thinking it would stay up longer and ide get it twice that night. lol. no such luck.
eightball61
05-02-2005, 12:21 AM
He has adapted to having this kind of relationship. If you plan on staying with him then you may need to make a change for yourself. I know you like to have the but you may have to get him to chase after it........Its going to be hard to change him because he can only do that for himself. Monitor the situation for sometime and if you see no change in his interest for you then go find a partner that will give you that interest you need because you won't get it here.
luvme4ever
05-02-2005, 01:04 AM
If I were u, I wouldn't touch him for a while. Let him b the one asking u, not the other way around.
cupcake820
05-02-2005, 02:52 PM
If I were u, I wouldn't touch him for a while. Let him b the one asking u, not the other way around.
With all due respect, luvme4ever - I think that approach would backfire. From my experience, when one person is not interested, to not approach them will just make it easier for them to avoid the whole situation. It will also make Mia more frustrated because she will be wondering every night if tonight is the night and then it will drag on into weeks etc.
It seems to me that either
a. he is having a physical difficulty that he is not being up front with
or
b. he is not attracted to mia that way anymore(sorry).
I know in my last marriage, the roles were reversed for me and my husband. i loved him, but was not ually attracted to him anymore. He would ask for and I would always have an excuse or try to put it off for another night, another night etc.
With my current husband, sometimes he has problems getting his to stay the course, so we got Viagra and it works like a charm. But, when our life started to dwindle a little, I talked to him about it and he admitted he was having this problem, but I never even noticed and he was embarrassed about it. Had i not asked him directly and in a loving way, we may not be having the great and frequent that we are currently having.
Just my opinion. Hope it helps.
cupcake820
eightball61
05-02-2005, 03:26 PM
From my experience, when one person is not interested, to not approach them will just make it easier for them to avoid the whole situation.
This approach is worth a try....It works for some and not for others. You are right and it can show that they can get away with it but all the efforts shouldn't be done by one person. There is only so much that a person can do and after a while of trying the next step would be not to try like the other partner is doing.
The way I see things for a relationship is if a partner is shows no inerest then that means they are not interested in the relationship... This is my opinion ofcourse but relationships should be about 2 people caring for each other.
cupcake820
05-02-2005, 03:45 PM
Point taken. I guess what I was actually getting at is that there is a definited problem (obviously) and it should be seriously talked about. To just try the same tactic so me is playing games. It is not really getting to the heart of the matter.
eightball61
05-02-2005, 04:01 PM
To just try the same tactic so me is playing games. .
You are right about that but he shouldn't be acting this way. Games in a relationship are useless to me but sometimes its gets the other person thinking. In this case though I don't think he will even notice the change. My suggestion to her is maybe try a few more things but if all attempts fail then she knows her true value as a girlfriend to him. Right now she is just a roommate to him and a warm body to hang around with.....this relationship is so sad and this is somethings thats happening more and more.
A couple of things.
You say that he's your Bf and that he's 38 yo. Has he ever been married before?
If not, why not?
Does he want kids?
What's his family goals in life? Does he want one?
What's his religious background?
What were his parent's view on ?
Was he molested somewhat as a child which could turn him off?
To be single at 38 with no desire for , marriage or kids is somewhat not the norm.
Please fill us in on your BF a bit more deeply.
Also, as males get older and their body shape and composition changes and so does their testosterone levels. A lack of testosterone can cause a lack of drive, premature ejecualtion, impotence, less rigidity and and so on. The brain isn't getting the "turn on" kick from the testosterone and so much more is taking place.
If you want you can go do a search on line in regards to total testosterone, free testosterone and the inhibitors that can take away free testosterone which will cause the problems that you've described. It's my bet that if you had more (like almost everyday), that you'd probably notice other things "that weren't operating just right".
This stuff usually takes place in males as they approach 40 years of age. It depends on how healthy they are.
Would def love to know more about your bf's personal history to possibly help you out more.
Rich
Howard
05-02-2005, 09:35 PM
Mia, if one of the things he likes to do is watch movies then try watch some adult videos with him. :D
which ones? I've got a whole library to choose from. :D
as for the waiting for him to make the move, ive tried that but i prob would have to wait forever, as if hes not interested in it, he would be happy that im not pushing for it. also he has taken testesterone, and it did help a lil bit for awhile, then after awhile it was back to the same. ok about his background. first he suffers from depression and takes welbutrin which can cause low drive, but i also take that and my drive is very high, maybe it affects some people in different ways. also hes 38 and never been married, his last relationships were not good, these other women, liked to drink alot and go out to bars, he doesnt drink, except socially, like xmas. he has told me that a few of his x.s when they got drunk were physically abusive to him, one would throw hot coffee over him, and hit him with wire coat hangers, another used to punch him in the head, as i said he is very moody and used to be very verbally abusive to me, where i sometimes would of liked to give him a swift kick up the ass. lol. joking. as he can cause me to be very frustrated, but im not going to hit him and hes never hit me. so he prob didnt hit them either and took there abuse. i understand that maybe the abuse he suffered could cause him to be angry and thats why he lashes out saying nasty things sometimes. he admits he has an anger problem, but doesnt like counselling, hes tried that before, he has said to me im the best woman hes ever had and is trying hard cause he doesnt want to loose me and says he loves me alot and im the only woman who has ever shown him so much love. his parents well there another story, his dad was a sergeant and when he came home from being away treated him and his brother like lil soldiers, his mum is a very moody woman and swears alot and has a bad temper too, she does cause alot of stress as i have to put up with that too and it gets very frustrating, she lives about 5 minutes from us and is always coming by, sometimes i think to be nosey shes scared of missing somthing, and then she goes on and on about things that have nothing to do with her and trys telling him and me how we should do this and that. we have tried telling her in a nice way about coming by so much and she doesnt listen and gets in a mood, i do think alot of his past is part of the cause of the way he is. and we do have long talks to try to sort out our problems, and ive suggested i go away for a while to see if it helps any, but he says no i dont want you to leave i love you alot and will miss you even if he doesnt always show it. he says he knows hes not that good when it comes to relationships but he is trying hard so he wont loose me. hope that helps a lil for you to understand him better?
eightball61
05-03-2005, 07:49 PM
Being 38, maybe he is just not motivated anymore. You say he has had many bad relationships and that may have just clicked in his head that there is no hope and he has giving up on many things. If this is true then it makes sense about his lacking drive. Its maybe that he needs to get motivated about being in a relationship again.
Do you know how his drive was in the past?
Mia-
From what you wrote about your SO, I would say that he suffers from self esteem issues. Taking physical abuse from women is a sign of that.
Going out with a specific kind of woman like he had dated, shows that. Actually, you're a break from the kind of women he usually associated with. Which is a good thing.
The father in the military who was strict on him growing up. That probably stifled him from expressing himself and just "taking it".
Who diagnosed him with low testosterone? If he didn't know, when you take extra testosterone, you can develop prostate cancer. He should go get tested if he took it for awhile. That could be causing stuff.
Have him come off the meds if he can and see what takes place.
Rich
he has told me many times hes worried i might think hes not attracted to me and he never wants me to think that, he said he is attracted to me alot and always tells me im very pretty and he loves me. and he does get aroused when i touch him but just doesnt have the energy to want to do it, he said he wishes he did. his past relationships he said he was the same way he didnt want to have , but if they were physically abusive to him, i dont blame him. i wouldnt want to have with someone who was hitting me either. thats a complete turn off! the doctor had said maybe his testestorone was low and wanted him to go get a blood test but he doesnt like needles, so didnt go, so we bought some testestorone from the vitamin store and he only took them a month, like twice a day, and while he was taking them it helped a lil bit, but then he stopped them after he finished them and we didnt buy anymore. but if they cause prostate cancer, i dont think thats good to get anymore then.
also his mum is always putting him down and making remarks like he doesnt know how to show affection, ive noticed when shes around he wont even kiss me in front of her but when shes not here he kisses me and always says i love you.
eightball61
05-03-2005, 08:28 PM
Hormones differ from person to person. He may just be the type where the hormones are just not racing for him. Then again, the abuse can play a mental factor into this also. You have tried what you can... If you feel you can live with this drive and move on and then try to build the relationship around it. If you can't live with it then you need to make the decision on what best for you.
Howard
05-03-2005, 09:27 PM
Mia,How's everything with your boyfriend? :)
Mia- Your BF is going to have to overcome his fear of needles and get some blood tests done. Just put it to him as that he can either live the rest of his life like this (no drive and the unkowing of why), or he can suck it up for 5 minutes and get some blood drawn.
The reason for the blood test is to see what is happening. Before a doc prescribes testosterone, they want a baseline PSA test. That's the prostate level. They want to make sure first that his testosterone levels are low and that also his PSA is low. That way after a while of use, then they measure the PSA again to see if it has gone up. A high PSA indicates prostate cancer.
Your BF has a physical ailment and if you're happy with everything else about him, then stay and work through this with him.
Right now it's a puzzle and you have to figure it out as to what's causing his malaise. He needs to overcome his fear of needles to do this. If he doesn't, then he's choosing to stay like this over getting better for you. That then is your cue to leave.
You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.
Good luck.
well we do talk about our problems, he didnt use to communicate but he does alot more now. as communication in any relationship is very important to be able to sort out issues. if they are important to you both. and they should be if you are together. so he does know that the ual part is a very big issue as ive told him that it is a big part of a relationship for me to be affectionate and make love with each other, and that if he cannot give me what i need then it is causing alot of problems and we either have to work on it more or i am becoming miserable and it just wont work out as i need to be with someone that can understand and want the same needs as me. the thing is he always promises to try harder, last night i wanted to make love and he said not tonight, and i said oh yes tonight! and he actually gave in. but thats how it usually is after a talk, he will give in for awhile then after its back to putting me off again. the thing is i just want to be spontanious and just let it happen, but i always have to ask first to make sure its going to be the night. ive tried just making a move on him but it never happens, its like if we havnt discussed it earlier on and made plans to do it then it wont happen. i know i shouldnt be complaining about how i get it, but it would be nice to be a lil more romantic and just let it happen sometimes.
eightball61
05-04-2005, 02:28 PM
Last night was surprising for you but it is a start to something. Its really hard to diagose him over the net and seeking his doctor may be the only way to go. He has to have the energy and allow himself to go. If he wants to make a change then he needs to find the engery so he can get this problem solved.
Your BF needs help both medically and psychologically. He has deep emotional issues that need to be addressed.
IMO if he's content to go through life like he is without changing, then you're going to have to leave if you don't want to live the rest of your life like it is.
And no one would think less of you if you did.
He can say that he loves you all that he wants, but the proof is in the pudding. If he doesn't take an active approach on his own to "fix" this, then it's never really going to change.
Rich
thats the problem though,ide think less of myself and ide feel guilty for walking away from him and hurting him,when i feel i should be there for him to help him through it. last time i left all i could do was think of him being alone and it made me really sad. I know i should think of myself for once and if im not happy with the way he is at times, thats also not good in a relationship. we do talk about the problems and he says he is trying hard, and i have noticed a big change from when i first came here, but how long is too long before you have to give up and move on?
eightball61
05-04-2005, 07:22 PM
thats the problem though,ide think less of myself and ide feel guilty for walking away from him and hurting him,?
What about you? Don't you ever think about you? Its really nice you think of other people but you as a person should always come first. I am not telling you to leave but if you did its not the end of the world and you will eventually get over it.
Why should you feel guilty when it's him not making the choice to aggressively figure out what's wrong. You're not happy and he's not doing anything to make you happy.
Again, why should you feel guilty? Actually you should feel kind of upset that he doesn't think enough of you to fix things.
Don't let guilt be a reason to stay in a relationship.
Howard
05-05-2005, 06:47 PM
also his mum is always putting him down and making remarks like he doesnt know how to show affection, ive noticed when shes around he wont even kiss me in front of her but when shes not here he kisses me and always says i love you.
It's quite possible that's he afraid of kissing in front of his parents.I would be too but then who isn't?
Why be afraid to kiss in front of anybody? :confused:
If your in love with someone, then there's nothing wrong in letting the world see that.
As long as the kissing doesn't turn into a full grope scene.
Feel proud to be with the partner that you're with and feel confident in who you are as a person. Why be embarrassed?
Howard
05-06-2005, 07:20 PM
Why be afraid to kiss in front of anybody? :confused:
If your in love with someone, then there's nothing wrong in letting the world see that.
As long as the kissing doesn't turn into a full grope scene.
Feel proud to be with the partner that you're with and feel confident in who you are as a person. Why be embarrassed?
Yeah Rich That's true.as for Robin she likes to kiss alone in privacy.She kinda feels insecure and I do too sometimes.When you're alone,you can do whatever the hell you want,that's what I say.
We all move at our own pace, Howard. I'm sure both of your thoughts and feelings will change over time as you both become more experienced.
Keep moving forward.
Good luck
Howard
05-06-2005, 07:26 PM
We all move at our own pace, Howard. I'm sure both of your thoughts and feelings will change over time as you both become more experienced.
Keep moving forward.
Good luck
Thanks Rich.privacy is good sometimes.Yeah,as time progresses,maybe she wants to kiss in public though it may feel a little awkward on occassions. :o
Howard...why do you live in fear of judgement from others?
Howard
05-06-2005, 07:43 PM
Howard...why do you live in fear of judgement from others?
cause that's way I am sometimes.It's hard to get used to.I can get over my fear when I allow myself to.
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