Girlfriend will not forgive. Need help!!!

[Mathias1917]

My girlfriend and I have had an odd relationship. We have known each other for 4 years and the first 3 of these she was involved in an abusive relationship which I tried desperatley to get her out of. She always said it was for her to do. After he left a year ago I soon moved in with her. I did not give her the time she told me she needed to recover from this other man. This was a 6 year relationship. There were a lot of things that I said during those 3 years of trying to comfort her through her crisis while trying to retain my sanity because of my love for her that she now believes were lies. I have made relationship mistakes (not cheating on her) that guys make and she is very unforgiving because of past experiance. Things that go wrong, just normal things, she blames me for. I work on cars somewhat and her car need some work and I couldn't do it because of the model and difficulty with special tools and such. She thought that I just completely lied about being able to work on cars. Her computer when she got it wasn't set up for the internet and ended up getting infected. She completley blames me fot that even though she went online too. She has no faith or trust even though everything I do is for her. It has gotten to the point where everything I do annoys her, she is cold to me and we have stopped being intimate. These problems have been going on for a while now and we are still trying to resolve our problems but I think I am trying more than she is. Am I just impatient? she says she needs time but how much? One of the things I have been doing wrong but I thought it was a good thing was being attentive to her every need. I have been out of work so I have been doing all of the household things along with the yard, shopping , etc. I have a lot of time on my hands and unfortunatley she sees me as smothering. I am very insecure about losing this woman I am so in love with. How am I supposed to act? She has a lot of resentment towards me and I don't know what to do. I know time will heal but my depression is hurting me badly. I need advice on how to save our relationship.

[eightball61]

Your situation is similar to another member: Click on this link and read through some of their threads.

http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/search.php?searchid=7357



For your situation, I can't tell you how to act. The way you act is how your mind adapts to the situation. The fast pace this relationship started off could be feeling the effects now. You both rushed into things before she had a chance to get some time to herself before she moves into another relationship.

Overtime, she has gotten insecure about things and also stronger as a person(in a y way). This all happened because of the past guy. You won't be able to save her from this. All she will do is continue to hurt you until you finally give up. If you don't want the relationship to possibly end this way then you can try prevent it now by addressing the situation & giving her the needed space.

[Diablo]

I agree with eightball, this woman has carried her baggage from the abusive guy into her relationship with you and from the sound of it, there's more to it than just his being abusive. I'm not defending abuse, but it sounds like this woman would drive any man to hit her sooner or later. Nothing you do can please her and she will push you away until you finally leave. You want to know how to save the relationship and that woman would still find something to complain about if you shat gold bricks.

[Mathias1917]

Diablo, you may be right. It seems like sometimes nothing I do pleases her but I have to try. I am trying to give her the space that she wants and not push. I have pushed the whole time we have been together and it was to much. She thinks it was a form of manipulation. She is a very strong willed woman. It hurts terribly that she has become like this but I don't want to lose her. She does things that let me know she cares but sometimes that is not enough. I don't know how much time she needs but I will try. I have always been loyal to her and I won't stop. The abuse she suffered was both physical and mental. The scars are still there (mental). I seem to be rambling but this is the only help I've recieved in a while. I really have nobody to talk to except her and I need unbiased views on this. I am depressed as hell.

[eightball61]

I don't know how much time she needs but I will try. .


You won't know how much time she needs until things get sorted out in her mind. She may be scared like this for the rest of her dating life. This one guy really screwed alot of things up for her thinking and its going to take a long time for her to ever rebound from this.

Giving her space will not totally heal her but will give her a chance to have some down time to think things through. You will still be there as a partner but not as close as you once were. Let her tell you when she is ready...the worst thing you can do is keep asking while you are giving this space. Talk to her next about your thoughts and see what she says. Please keep us posted anytime ;)

[Mathias1917]

Thanks eightball. We do talk still. We don't get into heated arguments or anything but we do both agree that communication is going to be the key to all of this. It is hard giving her space and that is the thing that hurts the most (except the fact that she rather use a toy in the bedroom instead of be with me!) I will be here when she is ready.

[eightball61]

I will be here when she is ready.


^^Those words is what she needs to hear. Continue the love and support you have for her. For now all you can do is listen to her and wait it out until she says "ok I am ready".

Goodluck & keep us posted. :)

[Mathias1917]

There is another part of this situation that has been bothering me. We have a mutual friend who needed a place to stay so we had him move in with us. She is more responsive to him than she is to me. He has stated him wanting to sleep with her quite a while ago but she never would because he is the same age as her oldest son. I trust her completly but I am still jealous as hell. Should I be worried about this? :confused: They laugh and play a lot. It seems that every time I leave and come back home he is kissing up to her. I think it's just because of our current situation that I am so jealous but that knowledge doesn't help. I need feedback on this.

[eightball61]

So how are you suppose to give her time when you both are living together? Do you have a plan of staying at someone elses house for the time being?

She has personal issues to work on and you have your jelousy issues. Every personal has thier own personal flaw and nothing will ever be perfect. You both can try to resolve those issues but change is a process and not something that happens over night. You both have to learn how to deal with what you have for issues and work them out at the same time.

[Diablo]

Two men and one woman under the same roof is a recipe for trouble. She says she wants space, but instead of living alone, she moved in another guy. I dunno Mathias, if she doesn't object to his kissing up to her and would object if you did....
Anyway, three incomes go farther than one, but the whole situation could blow up on you.

[Mathias1917]

To answer eightball's ? no, I really don't have anyone I can stay with. We are sleeping in the same bed and we talk but I am just usually in some other part of the house or visiting friends, etc. She hangs out in the bedroom most of the time. We have lots of electronics in here. To diablo, it could blow up at any time but we are not the only three here. Her 2 kids are here most of the time. One is 15 and the other is 18. Jealousy is an evil thing . Besides if she did cheat on me with him I think her kids would be more pissed about it than I would be. As far as our ages, she likes younger guys, I'm 32 and she's 44. The other guy is 18. I shouldn't worry or be jealous of a kid. Her x was 35 at the time.

[2BDMD]

My god, sounds like Jerry Springer in the making! :rolleyes:

[eightball61]

Its going to be hard but if you both can make it through this then you both can make it through anything just about. As I stated before you both have personal issues to work on and you both need to make the change together and work together. She has been through a lot in the past and she is not going to want an insecure boyfriend around. You will have to stay strong and work on yourself. Just give as much space as you can and thats all you can do from there until signs show to a different change.

[Mathias1917]

Its going to be hard but if you both can make it through this then you both can make it through anything just about..

I believe you are right about that. It doesn't make things any easier getting through this but anything worth having is worth the effort and she is. It will take time to work through the issues which we both have. I just have to be patient and not push. Thanks for the encouraging words. I don't want to feel like I am fighting this battle alone.

[eightball61]

You know what you need to do so stick to that plan and see what happens. Goodluck Mathias1917 ;)

[Mathias1917]

Things are not going very well. She has told me that she is not in love with me anymore but she still does the little things that let me know she still does care. If she didn't I would be out on the street! How can you make someone who was once in love with you fall back in love with you. We are not even sleeping in the same bed anymore. She is willing to be patient to see if her feelings change but I am afraid, scared to death that they won't. What can I do. I am miserable and depressed. I have no outlet for this exept this forum and I need her. Please help!!!! :(

[eightball61]

How can you make someone who was once in love with you fall back in love with you.


Sorry to bust your bubble but that just won't happen. Her feelings are her feelings and only that change will come is within her. The best thing you can do is to be youself and except whatever comes out of it. I don't know what kind of sitation that your in but you may want to start planning for the future. Anotherwords, she may need you to leave if nothing changes so you may want to start planning where your gonna go from there.

Its hurts but she told you the truth and gonna have to accept it. She's being nice right now but eventually you may have to leave on your own. If you see no change within time in order to move on you will need to move out....Goodluck

[Mathias1917]

Things have gotten much worse since my last post. She had told me she did not see us as a couple anymore. Three days ago I walk into the bedroom and find her making out with the 18 year old staying with us. I am devastated. We talked about it and she does not know why she did it except it made her feel good at the time. She also said it was her fault that it happened, to not blame him. He took advantage of our bad situation at the time. It is very uncomfortable for me and her. I have talked to her about the possibility of working things out but she doesnt know. She said it was bad with me right now but things could not last with him either. There are so many factors to them not working out I don't know where to start. She is in turmoil right now and I am a wreck. I have not ate or slept since that night and it is wearing on me. I just can not get the image of them together out of my head. I feel so betrayed yet I still love her. Why? I am at an all time low and desperate. I was out of work but I am employed again making better money than either one of them. Money was part of the consideration in giving this another shot(practicality) but I can't really rely on that alone. Please help!!!! :( :mad:

[eightball61]

Either way you look at it this women is a walking train wreck and staying with her will only bring you down. Money may be an issue but sometimes you have to try every possible route to save yourself from all this continuing hurt.

You love her but she doesn't love you. As I said in my other post " you can't make her love you ". Staying there will only make the situation worse having that 18 year old in the house. Its your decision from here but staying there will not ease your pain.

[Mathias1917]

I know it will not ease my pain but with me here he doesn't exactly have free reign either. She hasn't even told her kids yet. Could it just be a fling. She said it had only gone on a few days. She even asked me how do I get rid of him. I am a bit biased on that. I never thought about doing the same back although she expected as much. I have been calm and understanding with her and civil to him. That surprised her. She thought I might fly into a rage or do much much worse. I can only prove my worth while I am him. He could be a diamond in the rough but I am a diamond that just needed a bit of polishing. Yes I may be a jackass for putting myself through this but I can't see myself without her. I still love her wholeheartedly.

[eightball61]

Could it just be a fling.


Were you both BF & GF when she started this little fling?

[Mathias1917]

She told me before, maybe a couple of weeks ago, that she didn't consider us a couple. So I would assume no.

[eightball61]

She told me before, maybe a couple of weeks ago, that she didn't consider us a couple. So I would assume no.



I am willing to bet a lot of money that something was going on way before she said something to you. She has had a histiry with this 18 year old if I remember right and then she allows him to stay there.......how Ironic :rolleyes:

It's your decision to stay or not but remember that it does take two people to make a relationship successful...... Right now you both don't even have a relationship.

[Mathias1917]

I am willing to bet a lot of money that something was going on way before she said something to you. Right now you both don't even have a relationship.


You are right on both but I know she still cares for me. When we talked I saw it in her eyes and on her face. She is fed up. Maybe if I left things would pan out for me. I just don't know any more. Plus if I left she would realize just how much I am worth to her.

[eightball61]

When we talked I saw it in her eyes and on her face.

Man...... :rolleyes: You need to snap into reality instead of being stuck in self-denial....

You are reading her way to much...She sees you hurt and she may be just feeling bad. If she cared like you "think" she does then she would have never broken up with you or started up a relationship with this kid.

[Mathias1917]

If she cared like you "think" she does then she would have never broken up with you or started up a relationship with this kid.

She told me she didn't know why or that it was the right thing to do. It just happened. This reminds me a lot of the way she broke up with her last bf. I know that is bad against her but I still don't feel bad towards her. And what about her kids. He's better with them because he is one. It just screws with me that she could even consider the possibility of dating somebody 27 years younger than her. She has a tattoo older than he is. She asked me not to tell the kids either. I agreed because I am not going to use her kids against her or especially against him. I respect her and her kids to much for that. Her oldest son is as old as he is! I can move back where I was staying before but it won't be for 2 months. I'm stuck with or without her. I have nowhere else to go.

[eightball61]

I'm stuck with or without her. .


Your only stuck when you make that an option.

[Mathias1917]

I think I know what to do although my options are few. Thanx for the help although I still feel like s*&t! I will for a while I imagine but I will harbor no resentment for her. I will just have to wait and see. :cool:

[eightball61]

Just make a goal for yourself to get out and try everything you can to succeed that goal. It's not going to be easy but keep your head up and don't give up....goodluck;)

[Mathias1917]

It has been a while since I have posted but I have not had access to a computer. My x-gf kicked me out and now I have lost almost everything. I am constantly depressed and suicidal. I am about drunk right now which helps to ease things but I can never get certain images out of my mind. I have friends who I can talk to but it is not enough. I want my girl back and she has never said it is over. We still talk and she worries. She is f*@&*$@g the 18 year old and she said it will not last. People tell me to move on but how can I when my world was with her? I need someone to talk to . I am alone :(

[SALly]

You can move on if you try!

[Mathias1917]

This is 4 years of my life just gone but may be able to be salvaged.

[SALly]

It's is only 4 years.... try looking at it that way. In another 4 years you will have all sorts of new shit going on!!!!

[Mathias1917]

Sally, it will take time no matter the outcome of this. I am so miserable right now I don't even want and I am the equivalent of a male nypho who is into all sorts of things you wouldn't want to tell your parents about. It is that bad. I don't even pleasure myself!

[SALly]

I think you need to stay off the computer while drinking...... those two never go together well!!! :p You will make it through, you've got to find a way--- other than drinking!!!!
Take care, I'm outta here til Monday! Try to keep your sanity!

[Mathias1917]

Thanx Sally. I will keep it in mind. Have a good weekend and if I don't speak to you again have a good existance! :p

[eightball61]

I am constantly depressed and suicidal. I am about drunk right now which helps to ease things but I can never get certain images out of my mind.


Drinking only makes you more depressed. Getting drunk does not solve all your problems. It puts the problem on hold until you sober up again. Drinking can also trigger suicidal thoughts. This isn't the end of the world and thats why you need to seek "professional" help.

[littlesister]

Sally, it will take time no matter the outcome of this. I am so miserable right now I don't even want and I am the equivalent of a male nypho who is into all sorts of things you wouldn't want to tell your parents about. It is that bad. I don't even pleasure myself!


Well SaLly left but some of us are still here and I am sober ;) So if you need to talk I am here.

[SALly]

You better speak to me again--- I want to find out about all the crazy stuff you do..... :p

[littlesister]

Drinking only makes you more depressed. Getting drunk does not solve all your problems. It puts the problem on hold until you sober up again. Drinking can also trigger suicidal thoughts. This isn't the end of the world and thats why you need to seek "professional" help.


Your right eightball, drinking is the WRONG way to deal with stuff. The day after your even more depressed then the day b4 and it can become such a visiouse (sp) cycle! I have been through that one for sure. You also are not in control when you drink. I know how much it hurts to loose someone you love, the best thing to do is to find someone to help you sort out all your problems. If you have a problem with drinking you need to deal with that first. Anyway I am assuming I do not know but even if you don't have an addiction to alcohol it is really a bad way to deal with your problems. I also know if you do have a problem you won't do anything about it until you hit your lowest point most people have to hit rock bottom b4 they get help.

[Mathias1917]

You better speak to me again--- I want to find out about all the crazy stuff you do..... :p

Is it personal or professional interest?!?

[littlesister]

You better speak to me again--- I want to find out about all the crazy stuff you do..... :p


Where is that crazy shocked look?? Oh this one will do
:eek:

[littlesister]

Is it personal or professional interest?!?

Well let me give you that look too :eek:

[Mathias1917]

Drinking can also trigger suicidal thoughts. It is much worse being sober. It may be a bad way to deal with this but some of us can't seek help whenever because it is a matter of $$$

[Mathias1917]

Littlesister, you are curious as well?

[littlesister]

It is much worse being sober. It may be a bad way to deal with this but some of us can't seek help whenever because it is a matter of $$$

Ahhh you need to find a place that deals with a sliding scale ;)

[littlesister]

Littlesister, you are curious as well?


LOL curiosity killed the cat :D

[Mathias1917]

Littlesister, I am cat friendly! :D

[littlesister]

Littlesister, I am cat friendly! :D

LOL and I am one old cat. Probably older then your mother. Well maybe not. And my daughters friends tell me I look much younger then I am,(I am saying that for my own ego) :D

[littlesister]

LOL and I am one old cat. Probably older then your mother. Well maybe not. And my daughters friends tell me I look much younger then I am,(I am saying that for my own ego) :D


ps I am NOT old enough to be your mother LOL I read your profile.

[eightball61]

It is much worse being sober. It may be a bad way to deal with this but some of us can't seek help whenever because it is a matter of $$$


If you didn't spend your time drinking away your money then you would have $$$. I am sorry to say but this is a serious matter and I will not take this lightly. There are ways to seek professional help cheaply. You need to get off your sorry little ass and do something about it. Your making this like it's the end of the freaking world :mad: & I am sorry to say but your wrong about that.

Stop making excuses and listen to the people that care(us). There are ways/places that will help people with low income. You need to start asking around and also venture in the phonebook to see whats out there.

If you want help then "YOU" need to seek it(like you have done here).

[littlesister]

If you didn't spend your time drinking away your money then you would have $$$. I am sorry to say but this is a serious matter and I will not take this lightly. There are ways to seek professional help cheaply. You need to get off your sorry little ass and do something about it. Your making this likes its the end of the freaking world :mad: I am sorry to say but your wrong.

Stop making excuses and listen to the people that care(us). There are ways and places that will help people with low income. You need to start asking around and also venture in the phonebook to see whats out there.

You may be right eightball but man when you are in love with someone and you feel like they have stomped on your heart it really hurts. It is like a death when you lose them and so I believe there are stages of grief just like with death. We know the drinking will only make everything worse, but it would be better to confront this when he is completely sober.

[eightball61]

I do apologize for my actions on this topic earlier.

The real reason why I take offense to suicide is because my best friend that took his life because of a stupid reason. I still miss him today & I wish I had the knowledge that I do today so I could have helped him a little more. I don't blame myself for his actions but I do miss him because he was the greatest and closest friend that I have ever had. I don't like talking about it much because it took a few years of therapy to move on from this tragedy.

Mathias1917, I don't know if you were serious or not earlier when you were expressing those thoughts but this is why I take thoughts of suiside seriously. I really prey that you find help for yourself because this is not the way to go. Suiside does not help ease pain. Suiside creates more pain to those that care about you and that will miss you.

What this girl did to you was cruel. You should be more angered over the matter than depressed. There is hope though and you need to find it. What you are doing now will not help find hope. The only way you will find hope is if you make that move yourself. Your broken heart will take time to heal but you still need to be strong and help yourself to move on.

You have it tough right now and that's why we are here for you. We are here to help you out because we care. Words sometimes are not enough to help a person and thats why I am suggesting that you put down the booze and move onto professional help. Please take these words seriously. There are people out there that care for you. We may only know each other through words but we still care and if we didn't then we wouldn't have responded to you.

Think about wht I have expressed here and please try to make some changes :)

[shweetwhispers]

hi there. ii dont know whats wrong wit yer gf. as in, most girls would lik guys to be attentive to em and their needs.

from wot ii tink, its probably her previous relationship ish affecting her and she aint ready fer another relationship. she may not have as much feelings fer u like u hab fer her. try talking to her and asking her whats bothering her.

ii am sorry if anything ii said have offended u. anyways, good lucks to u both yah. (:

[Mathias1917]

Thank you for the encouragement shweetwhispers. I hope you are right. :)