Become irrationally jealous when girlfriend hangs with guys?

[TheseusBlack]

So whenever my girlfriend goes and hangs out with other guys on her own, I get VERY jealous/insecure about it, and it shows up visibly in my behavior and the way I treat her. We go to college together, but it's summer break right now, and we live in differet states. Tonight, she hung out with some guy we both know from school (I don't know him as well as she does, and I also think he's quite attractive :P ) and his friends. They went "geocaching" or something, and they were out till after midnight. This is just the most recent example - but virtually EVERY time she goes out with another guy, especially one whom I perceive as a threat (that is, if he's attractive, funny, smart, artsy, etc.), I get jealous and paranoid to the point where she can tell I am acting differently. She even noticed tonight when we talked on the phone, though I just told her I was tired.

But the weird thing is, I do strongly believe that she has every right to hang out with anyone she wants to. It's her life, and I have no right to try to interfere. She's never given me any reason to distrust her, and I actually felt worse before when I thought she wasn't hanging out with certain people in some part because of me. So that's why I haven't told her about this yet. But I was wondering if you guys had any advice on how I can try to overcome this? I want to try to avoid directly telling her, because I honestly DON'T want to restrict her friendships or anything. I just can't help but get extremely jealous and paranoid to the point of her being able to notice a difference in my behavior, and I do NOT want this type of behavior of mine to negatively affect our relationship. I feel like it will if I continue this pattern, so please, do you guys have any advice for me?

[smackie9]

She's a tomboy just like me so I can totally relate. The reason she does hang out with guys is because she has guy type interests. She's not a girlie girl which is a type that's in it for the attention....your gf no girlie girl. Sure these guys are probably using her in their fantasies but what guy doesn't do that. You have to remember females are the ones that decide when and who gets to have . So there is no threat here because she doesn't cheat or is an attention . So this isn't about or infidelity. What you can't get over is that she can have a good time with someone other than you. You need to get into an interest or spend time doing something else, rather than sitting there focusing on what she is up to.....

[sonofemer1]

I agree with Smackie completely.
But I think it's REALLY great you're seeking advice about this. Seriously, good for you. Not all guys view this as a problem and they simply continue this behavior.
Just keep remembering: a LOT of good relationships are based on trust. If she's given you no reason to not trust her, then you have nothing to worry about.

[eightball61]

I agree and you do need to direct you attention to something else however if you do i know your thoughts will still be on her and her doing. You do believe she should hang with whoever however i do believe she needs to know more about how you feel. This should be approached in a way that you are not telling her what to do but more in a way for you both to find a common ground together to make eachother feel comfortable.

[packagedealx3]

Wrote a nice long reply that my system ate rather than posting.

You know this is in your head, you know she isn't screwing around on you. So ask yourself why you are not confident that she won't stray because she meets someone who is cuter, cooler, or whatever? It's good that you have made some headway but it seems like you have sort of hit a wall with dealing with it yourself.

My ex-husband was jealous and what bothered me more than anything else was that he did not even try to do what you do, which is to rationalize yourself out of your feelings. But your girlfriend already picks up on it so if you tell her, she is going to likely curtail her activities (or feel guilty for not changing anything) trying to help you because she doesn't want you upset when nothing is going on.

When I was her age, I hung with a group of guy friends from high school, so I tend to agree with Smackie. They didn't really think of me like a girl and yet they did remember I was one if some idiot was hassling me, so it's a good thing. And here's the thing, I went 1000 miles away from home for school. Had tons of people to catch up with when I got home, but people are doing their own thing and they drift apart, so every time she goes home that circle of people she "must" catch up with is going to get smaller and smaller. The guys you are worried about today aren't going to even matter to her in a couple of years because her priorities are going to shift and she may wind up doing what I did and never going home after she gets out of school.

You know you have an issue, likely tied to insecurity and self-esteem issues. If you are the type of person to apply information you read, get a book(s) about dealing with jealousy to find things you can do to turn this around, if not so great with the books, you should see a therapist. You know how you wish you felt, and you have a great attitude in that you do see this as your deal instead of her somehow fixing you by changing who she is, that alone is huge. You aren't going to get this thing under control over night and realistically, this summer, the distance, etc. can allow you a good deal of time to work on this before you get back to school and hopefully by then, if she winds up doing something with guy friends you can give her your blessing and really mean it.

Remember, there may be things about you as a package she likes, face, bod, whatever, but those are only what attracted her in the first place, she stays because you are apparently a decent man, keep being one and figure out what you need to do. Whether this girl is "the" one or winds up being a relationship you both outgrow at some point, if you get this under control, you're good to go.

I think I would rather be punched in the face than have someone I care about deeply question my integrity and values by continually accusing me of doing wrong or even knowing that it is going on in his head and he just isn't saying anything about it. A hundred years ago when I hadn't been with my husband that long but he had already started his b.s. with the jealousy, I honestly don't think I had experienced gut wrenching pain until then, it isn't pretty and even with relationships without the host of other problems that my marriage had, jealousy eats away at both parties until that love isn't there anymore.

I once told my ex the only reason I would ever leave him was not for another man, but because of his own behavior and choices, and that's exactly what happened. Don't put her in that position by not getting your own ducks in a row.

I also had another guy I dated hand me the b.s. that he trusted me, just not the ex-boyfriend I spoke to and didn't hate. Really, because if he ever stepped over the line he would be told not to or he wouldn't be talking to me. You may say to yourself, but she could wind up whatever with one of these guys, perhaps the cute one you refer to in your post but really think about that. As Smackie said, unless someone forces her, she is in charge of who has access to her. These are friends, how is she going to feel when a friend who knows she has a boyfriend tries to make a pass at her? She will feel betrayed by that friend, period. So again, whatever designs anyone might have on her don't mean squat if you really trust her as you assert in your post.

[tryinginWNY]

First you need to understand that this jealousy you feel, will always be a part of you. You may be able to harness it from time to time but this insecurity you feel toward this situation will probably never go away, until you are much older and have a lot more life experience.

Now saying you have an insecurity does not mean you are crazy nor need some sort of professional therapy. Even the ones with the best advice for you or others you may see as "perfect" around you, also have insecurities of some sort.

Not in just the few responses I have read, but in almost every that is dealing with what you have stated, usually tell you "you need to deal with it", "get help", "respect her wishes". How about your girlfriend respecting YOUR wishes. To me, this sounds like she goes out with guy friends only. I am not sure if this jealousy occurs ONLY when she goes out with men or when she goes out in general. One response stated that you find something else to do, while she is out with these other guys, til late hours. I think the correct response would be, "you BOTH need to change to satisfy your wishes as a couple", although that person did touch on the "common ground" issue.

I think the biggest mistake with young people when they are just starting out dating, is that they settle too much. I understand neither partner will ever be perfect but is there anything wrong with trying to find the "perfect" partner...or someone who is as most compatible with your feelings and emotions as possible. Just as she has the right to be friends with anyone she desires...so do you have the right to find a partner that best suits your needs and will help you along the way with any insecurity you may have.

I am not telling you to just simply break up with her but you seriously need to discuss what is best for both of you, what changes you are willing to make for each other and if you cannot come to a mature understanding of each other's desires, then it is probably best for you to move on. Marriage is the time for blind, unconditional love. For complete compromise. Young dating is not. Sure you can compromise where you want to go out to eat or the simple things, but to compromise emotions and true feelings or moral standards when building a relationship foundation, is a recipe for failure down the road.

When we are young, the best advice usually falls on our deaf ears. Ever hear the statement..."if i knew back then, what I knew now, things would be much easier"? Well we were probably advised of these things back then...we just never listened. So if you do decide to stay in a one-sided compromise relationship, then you need to take the best steps possible that won't make you crazy or that won't hurt your relationship down the road.

Blind love can lead to tons of pain. Our ability to do things, stems directly from how many options we have. So if she continually goes out alone, with other men, she has more options, period. I am not saying it's a foregone conclusion that she will cheat, but she needs to completely understand the path she is taking and how it affects you as a couple. A response said, "you know she isn't screwing around on you". Do you really know that? Both of you are very young and live in different states. These are 2 things in a relationship that do not mix. Anyone who says differently, they are not being completely honest with you or themselves. We can look at things in a storybook fashion or we can be realistic. Yes, women can control the , but men sure as hell can create the options and like I said, the more options the more we do as humans.

Of course giving the advice is the simple part...doing something with that advice is usually the hard part. Asking her to not go out with men is probably not the healthiest thing to do. She will resent it and if she does agree to not go out with men, she will probably do it anyways and you will never know, since you live in different states. Being in different states, you are not part of her life in the eyes of the men she goes out with. Sure they may know you exist as her boyfriend, but you are not visible, so you become invisible to them. Then the option factor kicks in. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder..." is a load of crap. If that were true, then why would time heal wounds? Why would long distance relationships have a high rate of failure?

After thinking more and more about this, in my opinion, you probably need to move on from this relationship. It's not fair for her to not see her guy friends just because you get jealous and it is not fair for you to be with someone who has only guy friends. This is not fair for the BOTH of you. When we are young, we feel the person we are with is the only one for us...that's not true. I think it is time to find someone who is more compatible for you, your emotions and insecurities.