my predicament

[frogger8]

I need some advice pretty bad, here is some background on my problem:

I'm a 21 year old University student and I was dating a 20 year old girl at my school for 14 months. We started dating in February 2004, and it took a few months, but we fell pretty deeply in love with each other. Things were great, I was her first love and she taught me what loving someone is. We recieved compliments daily about how good we were together. Simply put, it was the happiest times in my life.

She'd asked me a few times if I could come out to her parent's place for their annual Christmas party. They live in Vancouver, approximately 1600km from were we both go to school. I told her I couln't because I had to work, and showed up at the party, completely to her surprise. She loved it, her friends and family said it was the most romantic thing most of them had ever seen.

Unfortunately, that's when things started to go bad. The reason why we eventually broke up was complicated (as it always is), but mostly she felt she wanted to feel free with no commitement.

So far I'm sure this sounds like the typical breakup, but things get much more complicated. We both ran in the Students' Union election this past year, and we both won. I became a vice president, and she became a commissioner under the same portfolio. That's right, I'm my ex-gf's boss!

Our breakup was pretty mutual. Besides the commitement thing, under the circumstances we weren't able to make things work out. School this past semester was tough; I'm trying to get into medicine, so the grades have to be top notch, and she struggling through one of the toughest programs in the country. Add this with the stress associated with the election, and I'm sure you can understand its been a tough 4 months.

So basically, my problem is this: I absolutely love this girl, and I can tell she still has feelings for me. She's been calling me when she has bad days (and I've still comfort her like I always did), and when things go really well, I'm the first to hear.

Gradually, we've been hanging out more too, and I still feel that connection. But when we're in social gatherings, we both act like we don't know each other.

Like I said, I'm smitten over this girl and have been for a long time. Is it right for me to ask her to try again as a couple or is the risk (if she says no, I'm still her boss for the year) not worth taking.

This issue has been eating me up since we broke things off 5 weeks ago. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

[eightball61]

Since you both been hanging out more has your grades gone up?

I know you love this girl but maybe keeping a friendship until you get things up to par again may be the best thing. Your concetration should be your schooling right now. This break though is something that may have been needed. Take your time in getting back into things. Allow nature to take its course back in this relationship. After getting closer with her then ask what she wants but don't rush or push anything. Your goal is to get her back and not push her away.

[frogger8]

Were both done school for the year now. My job is full time, starting on Monday, and she has a job until fall when school starts

[eightball61]

Were both done school for the year now. My job is full time, starting on Monday, and she has a job until fall when school starts

Is she going back home or staying by the school where your are?

Even still my suggestion is to take things slowly. You both had some problems leading up to a breakup. You need to allow time to resolve those issues and see what happens. As I mentioned in my last post, you can still ask her down the road where she sees things going for the future. Right now, it seems she just wants to have a friendship to maybe get things back on track. We won't know what she truelly wants until sometime. Time is the key player here and thats what its going to take to sort things out.

[frogger8]

Sorry, now that I read over what I posted, it is a bit confusing.

I work full time for the next year with the SU. My ex works part time over the summer, while she has another job, and next school year.

Her job, the commissioner works under the vice president (which is me). We're both in the same city this summer.

Thanks for your adice eightball. It means a lot. I understand that this might be a time issue. The last few times we have been hanging out together, I've realized for certain that there is still the feeling there for her.

The problem is, I'm finding it really tough to be just a friend. But I can't just cut her out of my life. I wish I could type into words how strong our relationship was, and how much I love this girl.

Anyone else, any adice would be really appreciated.

Thanks.

[eightball61]

The problem is, I'm finding it really tough to be just a friend. But I can't just cut her out of my life.


Well its better to be a friend than not a friend. She could have cut you out of her life all together but you are still in it. You want to be cautious about the steps you tak or else it may just push her back. You can ask her now what she thinks about the future but don't be annoying and asking every day.

Maintaining just a frindship under these conditions is hard and I can relate. You need to think about yourself here and you can only hold for so long before you just need to give up. She just may want a friendship out of this and nothing more. This is why I saying you should ask when you feel its right. If she sees no more ever coming out of this then you arejust wasing your time.

[Rich]

The feelings of your GF are typical for people your age. There's freedom with getting older and she wants to experience things without feeling tied down.

Her actions at school are because you're like a security blanket and she's used to you.

If her true feelings are to experience life, then you will probably get shot down if you ask her to go out again.

My guess is that when you both graduate, that you'll see less and less of each other. That she won't need that comfort factor that you're providing at school anymore.

Remain friends, if you can stand that and hope that after she "sees" what's out there, that she'll come back to you.

Good luck,

Rich

[frogger8]

It's a strange situation with our breakup Rich, it's not really about her "seeing" people in that way. It was more of her experiencing other aspects of life. We started dating shortly after she started University, and for quite a while she's felt many times known simply as my girlfriend rather than someone known for her accomplishments in life (I'm 2 years ahead of her in school, and have been pretty active in the campus community).

But regardless, that doesn't change the situation. I want to be her friend, but I don't want to inflict unnecessary pain upon myself by trying to win her back by being a good friend when that's all she is interested in.

For the next couple of weeks I will be away from home at a number of conferences accross the country. It will probably be good for me; the issues between us will be safely on the backburner which will give me time to understand what I really need.

I think I'll re-evaluate in June. If I still have strong feelings toward her and if I can feel the vibe from her, then maybe I'll take the risk. Or, (possibly more likely), I can evaluate our relationship as plutonic friends and if/how that will work.

This whole breaking up process is strange. If you've ever seen the movie "s," I can relate to what the one character said about his breakup, something along the lines of: it hurts so much, but every day it hurts a little less. Then one day you realize it doesn't hurt at all, and you wish is still did.

It's weird how that goes, the way I feel about her is slowly changing, but part of me still wants to be crazy in love with her. Sometimes I wish she could understand that we didn't just have an average relationship, and that matches like us don't happen all that often. But only time and future relationships can tell her than, and I myself am not even close to ready to date my future wife at 21.

I remember we had a discussion once that we wish we could have met in 4-6 years, when our life situation was different. She has so many of the qualities that I'd need from someone: she is absolutely beautiful but very down to earth and kind to everyone. The best part is how motivated she is to live her life, and do what is right. I was so proud that night when she told me she felt the same way about me...

Thanks for the advice 8-ball and Rich. If you'd like to give me any more advice or closing remarks, it would be appreciated. Ultimately, I feel dissapointed that I met wife material at such a young age when she, nor myself were really ready for it. Anyway, I'll let you know what happens in a few weeks.

JL

[eightball61]

I want to be her friend, but I don't want to inflict unnecessary pain upon myself by trying to win her back by being a good friend when that's all she is interested in.



Your quote above is a good starting point. This is a hard time for the both of you because you both seem more of the career settlement type rather than settling for a relationship right now. There is nothing wrong in what you both are doing. You love this girl but right now is not the right timing for a relationshio.

Holding off until you come back sounds like a good plan. Stick to your career path and being a good friend to her. If things were meant to be then you will see that change when the future.......... Goodluck

[Rich]

I hear ya. Life sucks sometimes.

Just chalk it up to experience and you never know what the future might bring.

At least you know what type of women that you'd want as a wife and what qualities that appeal to you.

This is no consilation. But it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all.

Good luck,

Rich

[frogger8]

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Time has passed, I still think about her a lot. I think most of it is out of my control, we are in the same social circle and that I can't avoid. For work we see each other once or twice a week.

We had one talk about what happened with us. She said she felt our new relationship was wierd, which it was. It's impossible for both of us to just treat each other like nothing ever happened between us; we can't simply just ignore our history. Anyway, she thought I wasn't treating her the same as my other commissioners (which I probably wasn't), and I was peeved at her for missing a couple of meetings. I basically told her everything then: that I cared for her lots still although I knew we were doing the right thing, that I still wanted to be really good friends (we were the closest people in each other's lives for so long), and I told her it was really, really hard to work like this because of the feelings I still have. She told me she felt relieved that the pressure our relationship was causing near the end wasn't there, but she still cared for me, and also wanted to be good friends.

I was hoping that getting all this out in the open would help, so we wouldn't just be ignoring our situation. It sorta did to, but I still think she's been acting weird.

She's having a party this weekend, and when we had the mammoth talk she said she wanted to invite me to her party which is tonight. Although I know I don't want to go, I told her would because it was a nice gesture.

She invited me at that talk, then after a meeting last Tuesday, then sent me an email on Wednesday saying she'd see me there, and today she sent me TWO emails asking if I was coming. I phoned her told her I couldn't come because I scored some awesome concert tickets (which I did). I told her she could call me this weekend if she wanted to hang out, but she was definitely not talkative when I told her on the phone I wouldn't be coming.

What is she thinking?! I don't understand girls, and any insight into the female mind would be helpful. Why was she so paranoid at inviting me and then asking so much if I was coming to her party? I don't understand. I can understand why I'm acting weird, I'm still crazy over her and our relationship ended, but why her? Shouldn't she be the sane one here?

Typing this all out is so strangely therapeutic!

This isn't a big deal, but it just shows me I don't understand women.

Some advice for all those out there: Don't EVER date a girl that you can't possibly escape from if things go wrong. I wish I didn't have to see her. Not because I don't like her, but because it would make things easier if we could start a friendship (and maybe more) when things cool down and we have time apart.

Oh well, my good intentions are coming back to bite me in the ass...

[eightball61]

You want to be her friend but then you don't want it to be so damn confusing.............

You can't have it both ways. It be nice to have that luxery but it just doesn't happen that way. The only way you both can accomplish a good friendship is if feelings were seperated out.

You both have had only 1 talk since the breakup and thats a good start because you both are not discussing it over and over. The next thing you may want to try is not offering for her to call you as much. Try to hold back and get on with your life. It sucks that you have the same group of friends and thats something you gonna have to suck up.

Your just gonna have to live with what you can and try to make some adjustments to get over her if you can. Its not going to be an easy process and will take time.

Thanks for the update....Best Wishes