Direction...

[blueintexas]

I consider myself a logical, rational, problem solver most of the time. Too bad I can't seem to solve my own problem!! Help needed, opinions, etc....

This issue has kept me from sleeping lately, and I really need to resolve this.

I've been going out with a guy about ten years older than myself, for about 6 months (GUY "A") . I'm 45. This guy is kind hearted, financially secure, mature, and loyal. I know without any doubt whatsoever, that he would take care of me for the rest of my life. He loves me and wants me to marry him. He has bought tickets for a vacation, we are going in two weeks. I do care about him, but not in love. I am not terribly attracted to him, either. At this point, I don't see myself ever loving him.

Enter another guy (GUY "B"), about a week ago, that has asked me out. Other guy is closer to my age, and I AM attracted to him. We have the same interests and goals in life. I don't know much about him though, having only just met him recently. I do, however, see potential for having someone that rocks my world.

I've always sworn happiness meant more than money, or anything else. If I married guy number "A", I would be comfortable and secure, peaceful, perhaps even fairly happy. Life would hold no exitement, but it also would hold no surprises. I would have someone that I could trust, until the day I die. IF, I end this relationship now, I would hurt him dearly. This would be very hard for me to do. AND It's so risky by starting another relationship. IF, I STAY, then I would perhaps lose the chance at real happiness.

HEEELLLPPPP !!! Advice? Opinions?? I'm not young any more, and if I give up what I already have, I risk being alone forever, in my mind.

[eightball61]

My opinion is anytime that someone is in a relationship and thinking about another person then its best they just be single to figure things out..... You need to be fair to the guy your are dating now and also be fair to yourself. This guy you are currently dating is trying to move into the future.

You are very undecided on which path to go and you can't do that while dating him. If you want to take the chance and see what he is all about then cut "guy b" off and chance this relationship. Life in general is full of chances and you need to take some risk to figure out what you want.

If you do cut "guy A" then you chance him being pissed at you & you may not have that chance back with him. Then again you will be doing what's fair and thats not stringing him along. Its not fair to him if you are talking to another guy and also having feelings for this other guy.

[Rich]

As long as you're physically able to AND WANT TO, you will never be alone. So don't think that way.

Don't ever enter into a relationship out of fear. Move into one out of love, instead.

Your choice is to be with guy "A" out of fear of being alone or to be with guy "B" more out of love and an attraction.

Always choose the course of love.

Love is about being happy. An emotional high. Guy "A" doesn't do that for you.

Life is all about chances and love is all about the heart. Guy "A" is about your head and guy "B" is about your heart.

And quite frankly you know the answer and what you want. You're just afraid to act.

Be honest with guy "A". Tell him that you care about him, but that you just don't feel for him "in that way". He's a mature individual, he'll handle the rejection ok.

Go with B and see where it leads. Have fun. Life's short.

Did you come to earth to live....or did you just come to exist? Which guy will you "live" with and which one will you "exist" with?

Rich

[SALly]

I understand what you are saying, Rich... btw your explanations almost always side with divorce or breaking things off...hardly ever with trying to work things out. Anyways- I think there is a fear of the fact that what if the second relationship ends up being like the first after a year or two. I know you never know until you try, but I think that is why the decision is always so hard.

[inquisitive]

Does guy A know you don't "love" him? It's not fair to him to be in a onesided relationship if he doesn't. You've only been together for 6 months. If you feel that you will never be "in love" with him then you should break it off so he can have the chance to find that happiness with someone else as well.

[SALly]

Oh I was thinking the relationship was a lot longer. Only 6 months and already bored. You better get out now. :)

[Rich]

Sally....if the spark isn't there when you're first attracted to someone, it doesn't magically come along at a later date.

We're all looking for that one relatiopnship that just makes us feel awesome on the inside. The way that love can and should make you feel.

Her description of guy "A", doesn't come close to that and it will never reach that because she doesn't feel it now.

So, if she's looking for LOVE then she won't find it with guy "A".

That was my point.

As for my writings always leaning towards breaking up, it's because the lack of desire or want is most always present in the folks that post or in their SO. If there's a lack of desire to change or to give it your best second chance, then there's no shot in things working out.

Typically most people when they come to this site already have it in their mind and heart as to what they want and/or are going to do. They're just looking for support in their decision or a boot in the ass to push them to act. Most people 'know", they're just afraid to act.

Rich

[SALly]

Sally....if the spark isn't there when you're first attracted to someone, it doesn't magically come along at a later date.

We're all looking for that one relatiopnship that just makes us feel awesome on the inside. The way that love can and should make you feel.

Her description of guy "A", doesn't come close to that and it will never reach that because she doesn't feel it now.

So, if she's looking for LOVE then she won't find it with guy "A".

That was my point.

As for my writings always leaning towards breaking up, it's because the lack of desire or want is most always present in the folks that post or in their SO. If there's a lack of desire to change or to give it your best second chance, then there's no shot in things working out.

Typically most people when they come to this site already have it in their mind and heart as to what they want and/or are going to do. They're just looking for support in their decision or a boot in the ass to push them to act. Most people 'know", they're just afraid to act.

Rich
Fair enough.

[blueintexas]

Thanks to all who answered. And, to answer the questions you guys asked:

The guy I am currently with (Guy "A"), knows that I don't love him. He is willing to accept that and marry me anyhow (the guy is fantastic...wish I COULD have stronger feelings).

I have no intention of stringing him along.... that's why I need to figure this out now. I want to do what's best for BOTH myself, and 'guy A'.

All of you had good points. If I were 20 or 30 years old again, the decision would be to say goodbye to guy A. It would be a little hard, because I DO care about him. BUT, I am 45 years old. It's harder to start new relationships, or to even find decent single guys at this age......

Still pondering this whole thing!!

[eightball61]

The guy I am currently with (Guy "A"), knows that I don't love him. He is willing to accept that and marry me anyhow (the guy is fantastic...wish I COULD have stronger feelings).



WOW :eek: This guy knows that you don't love him but he still wants to marry you??? :confused: He kinda sounds desperate to me.......

I know its hard on you but there would be no point in marrying someone you don't love. You still have many years to fall in love with someone and then marry them. If you marry him then you may just end up regretting it down the road and all that time you spent with him would have just been a waste to the seetlement of your life.

What is it your looking for? Which direction do you want to head? Why are you willing to think about marrying someone that you don't love? Are you thinking about giving this relationship a chance to move further?

Sorry for the questions but I am trying to understand what your thoughts are.

[blueintexas]

I guess that I just keep thinking of my age, and my chances for the future. I WANT to get married again, I LIKE the security if being married...but I want happiness too. Just not sure I have time for both anymore.

BTW: Guy "A" bought tickets for a cruise a long time ago. We are set to sail in two weeks. If I tell him to cancel now, not only does he lose some of the money, but he probably won't ever want to go on a cruise again. On the other hand, I can't bear the thought of him spending all that money, when things probably won't work out for us!! I never asked for the cruise, in fact I've never asked for anything. I didn't ask for the diamond ring he bought. I felt pushed into accepting it, pushed into "depending" on him, pushed into trying to develop feelings in a hurry.

I feel sure now, that I won't stay with him. The question now is,. what to do about his "dream" cruise.... ???????

[Rich]

I stand by my post.

When you make choices based on fear it just leads to more trouble and heartache.

Choosing to stay with guy A is out of fear of being alone and a fear of hurting his feelings. Where's the love?

Meeting people isn't all that hard and you will meet others if you break off with guy A. You need to have more confidence in yourself.

The choice is yours but you won't be happy if you stay with guy A. You've got another 30-40 years of life left at least, that's a long time to not have a happy heart.

Rich

[eightball61]

I guess that I just keep thinking of my age, and my chances for the future. I WANT to get married again,


You need to stop thinking about your age and start thinking about love. Its foolish and unfair to marry someone just because you want to have the title and security of marriage.

What about being happy? What about being in love?

You need to be happy and the only way in doing that is marrying the person you are in love and happy with....

[Howard]

You need to be happy and the only way in doing that is marrying the person you are happy and in love with....


Good Quote 8Ball. :) You can tell by knowing deep within your heart the right person is for you.