Problems

[samanthac425]

This morning my DH was acting quite strange when I'd get near his cell phone. I noticed he was watching me quite closely & would even try distracting me. This perked my curiousity and I just had to find out what he was all upset for. I grabbed his phone (we both have camera phones) and said I was going to take a picture of our daughter (6 months old). He jerked the phone away saying that he would do it. I knew then that something was up. I tried getting the phone back from him but he wouldn't let me have it. He said that he was going to send me a surprise from his phone to mine & when I told him that I knew for a fact he couldn't send things from his phone (some malfunction from the beginning), he made up a new excuse. He said he needed to call customer service to get that straightened out. Two things here - for one, customer service is closed on Sundays & two, we've had these phones for 5 months so why bother trying now?!?! SO...I told him that they were closed and then asked him just what he was hiding. He kept swearing it was nothing but I knew it was something since he wouldn't even set the phone down for a second. After quite some time & a lot of arguing, he admitted that this morning he was looking at on his phone! When I got the phone, I found at least 12 or more pics that he had saved from being online on his phone. This is so upsetting to me because I have asked him repeatedly not to look at & also because our phone bill is always so high - I ask him not to go online on there (we have internet service at home). At the start of our relationship, I asked that he only look at with me. For a while, we even watched the videos together. When I became pregnant with our daughter, I didn't feel right looking at the with him anymore (something about all those girls being someone else's daughter) and asked that he please not do it - not to mention that my self-esteem has taken a tremendous blow since giving birth. He's agreed several times & each time I catch him doing it again (at least 3-4 times we've gone through this). The last time was probably less than 2 months ago. He agreed not to do it anymore because I explained that I felt like he was lusting after the girls instead of me. So I was very upset to see that he not only had one or two but that he actually had more pics of than pics of his own family!!! Needless to say, I was really upset. He said he doesn't understand why he does it & that he's been doing it since he was 13 and also that ALL MEN do it. I asked him if ALL MEN beat their children - would he do it as well? He said that he wouldn't. Later he also said that maybe he has a problem since he can't seem to stop himself. He claims that he'll be working on this problem with or without me & that it has nothing to do with me.
I'm just afraid he's going to start doing it again even though he says he won't. He said he wouldn't do it anymore many times before but always went back on his promises. I'm so afraid this will be just another empty promise. Maybe it seems to some that I'm going overboard but the fact is that it really hurts my feelings when he does this. I feel no need to look at ...since I have him & love him. So I just can't comprehend why he NEEDS to do it. :mad:

[eightball61]

I am willing to bet that he has looked at even before this phone incident . This is a natural thing for a guy to look at. Its very hard to explain "why" to a another person trying to understand. We all have different hormones and that could be part to the explaination of why.

You are probably more upset that he hid it rather than tell you. In many cases more people are mad about the lieing issue rather than the actual wrong doing.

What I don't understand is you don't mind watching with him but not alone? why?

You say you are afraid he will be lusting over other girls but he could be thinking the same when watching it with you. To me I see no different watching it together or watching it single because is and means the same thing to the person watching it.


This is all boils down to respect........ Respect is where he will compromise to respect you and where you will compromise to respect him.

[bdtraders]

So you and him used to look at together then YOU decided that YOU didnt want to view it anymore and he should do the same. The he tells you that ALL men view it and you say if ALL men beat their children would he, (kinda harsh, not related).

My point is you tell him to be differnt and not to be like all men and not view to have his own brain and think for himself, but then your telling him look at me i dont look at and you should have your own brain you should do what i say and not look at it. So which do you want. Its just . Would you feel better if it wasnt but it had been say a strip club where he went after work and left you and your daughter at home while he went out an got lap dances. it could have been worse, you used to look and enjoy this pron with him then your views changed and you want your views to chage him also, thats not fair, how about fine look at at home when our daughters not around and she cant get find it, but please dont get it off the phone cause the bill costs to much.

All men do view , some (me) grow out of it and dont need it (but if theres a pic shown to me i will view it) and others like to look at it till the day they die, its no big deal.

Is he a good husband? Is he a good dad? Thats all that REALLY matters.

If hes not harming anyone with it, why does it matter, its just . Pictures on paper. You are the real thing, the one that gets his hugs and kisses and his johnson. Cut the guy some slack, you used to enjoy it and your attitude changed, thats you, let him be himself, thats why you love and married him right.

[Rich]

Your problem depends on whether or not you consider your husbands problem an addiction or not.

If he's CONSTANTLY doing it and can't stop, then it's an addiction.

If he's just checking it out periodically and trying to keep it from you because you now no longer accept it, then it's a maturity issue.

It's kind of hard on one hand to go along with the and then all of a sudden you have a position reversal on it and then you just expect him to stop. He hasn't accepted your point of view on it as his own.

If men are ually satisfied at home in all aspects, then there's typically no need to go in search of . Is he ually satisfied?

You need to decern if your hubby has an addiction or just a very healthy ual appetite.

I can see checking out on the web when you're at home, just because you can and we're all somewhat interested at what we might be able to see, but the phone thing is a bit much.

I guess this is what we get from a ually repressive societal view about .

Rich

[Diablo]

Guys think of differently than women do. Second thing, it's going to take him time to quit. Even in mongamous relationships, people will indulge in viewing eye candy. You should be patient with him if you don't want this to cause serious problems in the relationship. I should also add that not all men watch . 10% never have, and a sizable portion of men have viewed don't particularly like it because it's too trashy. That's particularly true of videos; which insult the intelligence of their viewers in addition to being trashy. You should clamp down on his using the phone for though. That is way too expensive and he should find cheaper ways of viewing the stuff.

[samanthac425]

Your problem depends on whether or not you consider your husbands problem and addiction or not.

If he's CONSTANTLY doing it and can't stop, then it's an addiction.

If he's just checking it out periodically and trying to keep it from you because you now no longer accept it, then it's a maturity issue.

It's kind of hard on one hand to go along with the and then all of a sudden you have a position reversal on it and then you just expect him to stop. He hasn't accepted your point of view on it as his own.

If men are ually satisfied at home in all aspects, then there's typically no need to go in search of . Is he ually satisfied?

You need to decern if your hubby has an addiction or just a very healthy ual appetite.

I can see checking out on the web when you're at home, just because you can and we're all somewhat interested at what we might be able to see, but the phone thing is a bit much.

I guess this is what we get from a ually repressive societal view about .

Rich


He has even admitted that he thinks he has a "problem" and said that he's going to try working on it. It wouldn't be such a big deal had he not agreed that he wasn't going to do it anymore. I think, however, that the bigger deal comes from him hiding it from me. I hate that! I can't stand when someone lies & hides things, it makes you wonder just what else they might be doing without your knowing. I tried to compromise with him on this issue once before (since I stopped watching it) - he agreed that if he did it, he wouldn't hide it. That was alright, until the hiding started again.

I would say that he's satisfied. I suppose, of course - I seriously doubt that someone would tell their SO that they weren't.

[samanthac425]

I am willing to bet that he has looked at even before this phone incident . This is a natural thing for a guy to look at. Its very hard to explain "why" to a another person trying to understand. We all have different hormones and that could be part to the explaination of why.

You are probably more upset that he hid it rather than tell you. In many cases more people are mad about the lieing issue rather than the actual wrong doing.

What I don't understand is you don't mind watching with him but not alone? why?

You say you are afraid he will be lusting over other girls but he could be thinking the same when watching it with you. To me I see no different watching it together or watching it single because is and means the same thing to the person watching it.


This is all boils down to respect........ Respect is where he will compromise to respect you and where you will compromise to respect him.

My not wanting him to watch it alone came from me just being somewhat self-concious about the whole thing ( I guess ). I realize that a person can still fantasize about someone else even if their SO is near them, but for some reason I felt safer that he wasn't if I was there. May be strange, but it's just my own personal feelings. Prior to our relationship, I wasn't comfortable with any bf looking at it. When we got together, I decided that maybe I could just let some of it go - the biggest problem is the hiding & lies. That's the part that I seriously can't stand.

[eightball61]

the biggest problem is the hiding & lies. That's the part that I seriously can't stand.

This was going to be the biggest problem as a stated....Many people lie thinking it will make things better when actually it makes it worse when the truth hits the table. He now admits he may have a problem and you both need to work together on that issue. You both may need to eliminate the easy access for him. What needs to happen is you both need to have a game plan and work from there. You need to compromise with him and he needs to compromise with you.....this will make it all fair.

[Rich]

You'd be surprised at what people talk about in an open, honest, caring, mature, understanding and communicative relationship.

Why wouldn't a spouse approach their SO with a feeling or a concern about the relationship? They should.

I would just try talking to your SO about what they "get" from viewing . Have a non-threatening, adult conversation. Get to know the mindset and have him be honest.

Tough conversations aren't easy to hold and a lot of times we don't like what we hear, but being adult is being able to handle this type of thing.

Talk to your husband about his ual appetite. Ask him to be honest about your life and his thoughts on it. Is he happy? Would he like to try different things? What does he get from the computer that you can give him?

I agree with your views on the hiding part. But the problem is that he's hooked, made a promise to you and can't keep that promise. That's why he's hiding it.

You need to either .....make less important to him...or YOU be his ual release.

Don't let him make a promise to get help himself because that will drag. You need to keep on top of that and help set the appointments up.

Good luck,

Rich

[piratesmate]

I honestly think viewing and drooling over on the net is a guy thing.
My husband does the same thing.
He said he'd quite viewing cuz it bothers me and makes me feel inadequate but yet I know he won't because he has internet access at his workplace and he can get online when there is no one around him for miles! I know I won't be able to stop him ever. But what can a wife do?
Our life used to be great but it's gone downhill lately and I don't know why. We used to have a great love making sessions but now I'm lucky if he gets in the mood once a week and then it makes me feel like a blow up doll.
Life is tricky especially when it comes to being married to a man! LOL
And men say we women are hard to figure out! LOL