View Full Version : What is a good divorce?
geljet
03-01-2004, 11:39 AM
What is a good divorce? I am not divorced, and hope i don't go through this process either.
When I hear people say, "We grew apart" or "We were no longer in love." I am turned off. Just because you got bored with someone, you will jump to the next person, and leave when they bore you?
And if they say, "I get along great with my ex, we are still friends." It makes me wonder why they are no longer married, if they are such good friends.
:confused:
Intro: I am about of getting divorced and I don't like at all.
The excuse of grew apart is nonsense, if this is possible you can also grew together again but of course it would require both to invest some efforts in it. Jumping to another new partner is easier and the best of jumping to somebody else is that one has not to change and face the own issues.
So whenever I hear this "we grew apart" I am completely turned off.
The second thing you mention about being good friends with the ex.... oh well I heard this too and I don't like it too.
The best of all if you get both combined, we grew apart but I want to establish a good friendship, so we can help out each other. I see it as a sign of unsecurity (if the freedom is not as expected we can still go back) and an attempt to get a separation to an extend with no loss of comfort.
If a couple separates there is a reason for it, this reason will be a burden for a friendship. Except the separation is the will of both (which normally isn't the case)
cheers
Michel
PS: I hope this posting is understandable, I am not native english speaking and the wording might sound a little bit strange
someonesgirl
05-05-2004, 11:49 PM
To "grow" apart means more than just a difference of opinions or a so called "boredom" with eachother. When people first fall in love they have a natural bond to one another, mostly out of a mutual desire for closness , companionship and intimacy. Well, just because you feel that for someone doesnt mean that the feeling of NEED will last forever. The human being is a relatively simple creature. We want eachother, but often it is for the feeling of "Im lacking without you" or "I need your love to live". Its the feelings we all experience, but those feelings fade in some people. Love isnt love unless you feel it. And the inital love feeling is generated from hormones, attraction, feelings of comfort, companionship, protection and satisfaction. Humans are like animals, we all have the same basic needs. Food, shelter, a mate, and offspring. BASIC DESIRES that have transended into many many offshoots. It isnt "boredom" that seperates a "couple", it is the human mind and emotional levels no longer feeling 100% satisfied in the necessary areas, whatever way they are defined. A GOOD divorce is one that occurs not out of anger, spite or malicous intent, but one that happens out of NEED. NEED IS THE PREDOMINANT HUMAN DESIRE. We all NEED things to survive, whether it is water or food, or the companion we crave. Need drives our daily lives, not the desire to remain "amused".
I agree with you. I thought of the situation when one is bored or just stressed by the daily live (e.g. kids, work etc.) and steps out the relationship into a affair which is new and more exciting. This might satisfy his or her needs, but for me it cannot server as an excuse to disregard the needs of the partner. If one wants to leave a relationship due to whatever reason he or she should do it in a respectful way. Dumping the other, just because he or she feels safe in a new relationship and just focus on the own benefits to improve this new relationship e.g. on a financial base is not what I would call respectful or acceptable even it fulfills the needs of the respective person and it is of course not the foundation for a good divorce
A marriage consists of two people living together and making a life together.
The issue that arises is that people are always growing. They either grow together or they grow apart. Peoples likes and dislikes change as they grow. It's just human nature.
A good divorce is when two people realize that their likes have changed and that their relationship isn't what it used to be and mutually decide to end it. A mutual divorce doesn't deteriorate into a vicious, nasty, want to hurt the other type of thing. It's two adults who realize that a change needs to take place and they do it as adults with no animosity or anger.
A bad divorce is when one person wants out and the other doesn't. Usually there's denial. Denial that there are problems and a denial to want to change what is wrong. Divorces don't just get sprung on a marriage. There are always signs that there are problems but people live in denial or just don't want to face up to it.
The person wanting out will always have made attempts to try to work it out or make it better. They might not have communicated it well, but the attempts were made. Nobode goes into a marriage wanting a divorce. Divorce is failure and nobody wants to fail at anything.
It all comes down to maturity, openess, communication and desire. Most marriages are dependancies in one way or another. A lot of marriages also involve one person feeling that they can't find that one true love so they settle for what's close and try to change the other person to be that perfect one. Those marriages don't work. You see it all the time mostly with women. They reach a certain age and they start to panic if they're not married. Their biological clock is ticking and they want to have kids before a certain age. They then try to fit a square peg into a round hole. Take a man that's close and try to change him. Those marriages don't work.
People are who they are and will always be. You need to love someone for who they are and not who you want for them to be.
Is there a good divorce? Yes. Should we get divorced as much as we do? No!
People should take a more practical approach to marriage instead of relying on "love". We put more time, consideration and effort into buying a house or car than we do in planning a life with someone. We need to change our approach.
Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com
SimplyMe
03-12-2005, 11:59 AM
I'm thinking about divorce. I read this thread with great interest. I'm not the type of person to consider such extreme measure lightly.
What do you do when you have tried everything?
I feel dead inside. I can't help but think what it does to my children...
You said :
The issue that arises is that people are always growing. They either grow together or they grow apart.
A good way to prevent this is to do fun things together. Raising a family takes its toll on a relationship. Having fun together, go out, enjoy a sport or a hobby with our partner is also a good way to grow together.
Unfortunately, we have stopped doing so years ago. On rare occasions we do go out, we both don't enjoy it anymore.
Divorces don't just get sprung on a marriage. There are always signs that there are problems but people live in denial or just don't want to face up to it.
So easy to hide your head in the sand. So easy to let other things get in the way of saving your marriage.
Nobody goes into a marriage wanting a divorce. Divorce is failure and nobody wants to fail at anything.
Bingo.
We put more time, consideration and effort into buying a house or car than we do in planning a life with someone.
So true! Words of wisdom here. And not only on planning a life with someone : We don't put enough time and energy into the relationship, once we say 'I do'.
When I married, I expected to spend the rest of my life with my husband. Didn't expect to become his mother or his maid though. I'm 41, and very much a woman. Still.
SimplyMe x
Glad that you liked my post Simply Me.
Divorce does suck (and it's expensive too...LOL) but sometimes it's just, that time.
I would recommend that before someone divorces, that they be TOTALLY honest to their spouse about their feelings on the marriage and exactly where the problems lie. Not in an attacking way, but just in a mature......I don't want it to end, but if some things don't change, then maybe it's best...type way.
You're where I was. The question on your mind is....I'm only 41. I have a lot of good years left on this earth. Do I stay here unhappy? Or do I get divorced and take a chance on finding happiness. Right?
I did a lot of soul searching on that. Plus taking into effect how the children might be affected, it's a lot to ponder.
All that I can say is that there's no right answer that fits everyone and to trust your heart.
If you can get a divorce and it not become nasty, then that might be the best route to go. And to not have a nasty divorce you both need to know that you tried your best to save it, that it's just not working and that aybe it's best. One person can't feel this way, they both need to feel it and know it.
Rich
SALly
04-21-2005, 05:20 PM
I feel dead inside too. And I think I'm being selfish if I get a divorce. Why? I'm not sure. I guess I think of the kids involved and think why would I put them through all that just because "I" feel unhappy. It is just so hard to know what is right.
Ultimately it's not selfish for a person to want to be happy.
If you're not happy and all that you can be....are your children getting all of you and the real you? Wouldn't it be great to have children seeing parents that are happy and smiling, rather than unhappy, unmotivated and unsmiling? Is it a happy home right now or is it just a house.
You have to do what's right for you and your situation. Every situation is different.
It sucks staying and it's going to be hard leaving. The proverbial rock and a hard place.
It is my view though that there can be amicable divorces where the children aren't so negatively affected. It just takes some preperation and maturity. But it can be done.
Why can't everyone be happy?
Rich
SimplyMe
04-29-2005, 11:19 AM
The question on your mind is....I'm only 41. I have a lot of good years left on this earth. Do I stay here unhappy? Or do I get divorced and take a chance on finding happiness. Right? Rich
Basically, yes. Except for the part 'take a chance on finding happiness'. If it means finding love again, no thanks. At the moment, I dream of a life with my children and that's it. This relationship has drained me. I have nothing to give at the moment and frankly don't want to get involved again.
Kids know the relationship is not going well. They suffer. They're at the age of their first love, first date... and what a wonderful example we give them. Yeah right!
Amicable divorces are possible yes. Once you over come the anger and years of frustration I guess. At one point, I was so angry at him : this is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you see. Today I am so fed up of being in a miserable marriage, and unhappy all the time. I just want out. What will happen when the children leave the nest for good? We'll end up sharing a house like two strangers. No way.
mwdenny
05-01-2005, 07:40 AM
Been following this thread awhile, not ready to reply until now. I have been through divorce twice. I know that there are times when it is the only way out. Still, it is not something that I'd wish on my worst enemy. The bottom line for me is that it only takes one partner to make a divorce; it takes two to make a marriage or any relationship. Amicable divorce? My last one was...it was all very civilized and no one got screwed. That doesn't make it any better. Divorce is an amputation, like an animal in a trap gnawing off a leg to escape. I don't have any firm answers, this is just my $0.02 worth...but maybe someone will read this and go back and try again instead of hiring a lawyer to "fix it" for them. Sorry if this offends anyone, it is not meant to be offensive.
SimplyMe
05-03-2005, 12:45 PM
Divorce is an amputation, like an animal in a trap gnawing off a leg to escape.
True. You only do it if you're trapped and there is no other way...
I don't think lawyers can 'fix' things. They usually are the ones who will make a divorce ugly...
SALly
05-03-2005, 01:40 PM
True. You only do it if you're trapped and there is no other way...
I don't think lawyers can 'fix' things. They usually are the ones who will make a divorce ugly...
i agree. :D
mwdenny
05-03-2005, 04:13 PM
i agree. :D
Lawyers do often make it very ugly, or they can make it very easy. What I meant was people giving up on a relationship without exploring all the possibilities, just giving up and go get someone to "fix it."
SALly
05-06-2005, 02:30 PM
Lawyers do often make it very ugly, or they can make it very easy. What I meant was people giving up on a relationship without exploring all the possibilities, just giving up and go get someone to "fix it."
Again- I agree with what you mean. I think the true meaning of marriage has really gone down hill. People think- hey let's get married and take it so lightly. I mean- it is so easy to just "get divorced" if things get "too hard". It seems everyone does it nowadays- it's the norm.
We live in a "gotta have it now" and a "disposable" society.
Fast food. ATM's. Drive through marriages. After morning pills.
Let me ask this.
Everyone thinks that the old days were better in terms of marriages lasting. But do you think that if divorce was more acceptable back in the 40's, 50's and 60's, that more women wouldn't have done it? That it wouldn't be the same as now?
How many marriages do you think were crappy back then? Where a wife felt trapped and stayed with an abusive or drunk husband because divorce wasn't an option? That husbands came home drunk and beat their kids and wives because they felt that their lives were shit? That kids stayed out on the street to all hours rather than be at home?
It's my view that yes, marriages lasted longer back in the day.....but that those marriages weren't happy ones.
I think that the rate of relationship unhappiness and relationship problems are the same now as they were back then, with the only difference being that divorce is more acceptable now and people are choosing that option over staying.
eightball61
05-06-2005, 03:49 PM
We live in a "gotta have it now" and a "disposable" society.
Fast food. ATM's. Drive through marriages. After morning pills.
Let me ask this.
Everyone thinks that the old days were better in terms of marriages lasting. But do you think that if divorce was more acceptable back in the 40's, 50's and 60's, that more women wouldn't have done it? That it wouldn't be the same as now?
How many marriages do you think were crappy back then? Where a wife felt trapped and stayed with an abusive or drunk husband because divorce wasn't an option? That husbands came home drunk and beat their kids and wives because they felt that their lives were shit? That kids stayed out on the street to all hours rather than be at home?
It's my view that yes, marriages lasted longer back in the day.....but that those marriages weren't happy ones.
I think that the rate of relationship unhappiness and relationship problems are the same now as they were back then, with the only difference being that divorce is more acceptable now and people are choosing that option over staying.
I can't answer to those questions because I agree with your thoughts.....The world does change and as more things are brought to the table we see those changes. Marriages back then were probably unhappy and thier weren't divorces like there is today and thats because people are being stronger and they are ending the relationships that don't work out. Its always better to end something rather than sticking with it and preying for hope when there is no sight for hope.
SALly
05-06-2005, 03:53 PM
I disagree
SALly
05-06-2005, 06:53 PM
I guess my opinion is that since divorces are so common and viewed as just a normal part of life now that more people don't even take the original marriages seriously. Why not just divorce and find someone else if things get too tuff. I agree divorce is best for the abuse situations. But in my case, I don't think so. Why would I just want to move on cuz it's been tough. I don't feel as though I need strength to move on--- I feel I need strength to stay and work at it and make it better. We have already begun doing that and it's a good thing.
Sally, if you didn't have kids would you have left already?
SALly
05-06-2005, 08:17 PM
Sally, if you didn't have kids would you have left already?
I guess....that makes you right and me wrong though doesn't it. That just proves your point, damn it!! :p
inlovewithhim05
06-29-2005, 10:58 PM
I'm sure some couples are able to have a good divorce. But, my own experience was very nasty and still is today.
My children were once in what seemed to be a happy household - but I stayed in a situation that was verbally abusive. My ex was controlling and I felt as if I lost my identity as a woman and just became his wife. It took 17 years for the situation to come to an end. I still would be in that hell if it wasn't for God making a way for me to get out...
For those who are able to get out and remain friends, my hats are off to you! You are rare jewels...
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