Malifisense
06-29-2010, 12:01 PM
Sorry my first post is such a complicated one.
I've been with my husband almost 12 years. The first 10 were very hard for me because he still had a LOT of growing up to do and had affairs. It was like an intelligence war where he'd do something wrong, I'd find out by getting into his emails or phone, we'd fight and he'd say it wouldn't happen again, then the cycle started over.
In January '09 I'd had enough. The kids were old enough in my estimation that they could handle the split (for anyone wondering why I stayed so long), so I started the divorce ball rolling. His world was crashing around his ears at the time - He'd just figured out the "love of his life" was an even worse player than him, he'd lost his job, and lo and behold his family was leaving him.
That was a real wake up call for him, and he asked me to please give him another chance. He said all the right words, did all the right things, and up until about February of this year was sincerely proving that he had changed and was committed to us. He was sensitive, caring, honest, everything I could have asked for. For the first time since we'd met, I felt cherished.
The only problem we had was that he was still unemployed. We had lost our house in April '09, and had to move into an efficiency apartment with our daughter. My income alone has only been enough to keep our heads above water, I can't save up to get us out. He's been trying to create a job for himself in his former industry, and is currently basically working for free while the guy he's working for is dangling the promise of a salary in front of him.
That's frustrating in itself, but what is tearing me up is his tendency to push me away the closer he gets to a deadline. It's like he tunnel-visions on the one goal of getting something done, and ignores anything that might distract or take time away from that. It starts with simply forgetting things and progresses to saying and acting rude and just plain mean. He did it before in February when he was trying to work out a deal with another company, ending up leaving me without a car and not responding to any calls, texts, or emails until he was ready.
Now it's happening again, and I just don't know if I should try to stay or get out. I'm trying to be understanding, to stop reacting to him when he lashes out and be patient while he works so hard. But there's a part of me that fears this is another dead end anyway, and I'll continue to be stuck where I'm at when he finds out this job won't happen either. If it were just me and my daughter I could manage to save up money, but to be blunt he's a drain on my bank account.
I love him, but do I need to let him go to pursue this? Or should I try to stay and hope the man who was willing to work to understand himself and change negative behavior comes back?
I've been with my husband almost 12 years. The first 10 were very hard for me because he still had a LOT of growing up to do and had affairs. It was like an intelligence war where he'd do something wrong, I'd find out by getting into his emails or phone, we'd fight and he'd say it wouldn't happen again, then the cycle started over.
In January '09 I'd had enough. The kids were old enough in my estimation that they could handle the split (for anyone wondering why I stayed so long), so I started the divorce ball rolling. His world was crashing around his ears at the time - He'd just figured out the "love of his life" was an even worse player than him, he'd lost his job, and lo and behold his family was leaving him.
That was a real wake up call for him, and he asked me to please give him another chance. He said all the right words, did all the right things, and up until about February of this year was sincerely proving that he had changed and was committed to us. He was sensitive, caring, honest, everything I could have asked for. For the first time since we'd met, I felt cherished.
The only problem we had was that he was still unemployed. We had lost our house in April '09, and had to move into an efficiency apartment with our daughter. My income alone has only been enough to keep our heads above water, I can't save up to get us out. He's been trying to create a job for himself in his former industry, and is currently basically working for free while the guy he's working for is dangling the promise of a salary in front of him.
That's frustrating in itself, but what is tearing me up is his tendency to push me away the closer he gets to a deadline. It's like he tunnel-visions on the one goal of getting something done, and ignores anything that might distract or take time away from that. It starts with simply forgetting things and progresses to saying and acting rude and just plain mean. He did it before in February when he was trying to work out a deal with another company, ending up leaving me without a car and not responding to any calls, texts, or emails until he was ready.
Now it's happening again, and I just don't know if I should try to stay or get out. I'm trying to be understanding, to stop reacting to him when he lashes out and be patient while he works so hard. But there's a part of me that fears this is another dead end anyway, and I'll continue to be stuck where I'm at when he finds out this job won't happen either. If it were just me and my daughter I could manage to save up money, but to be blunt he's a drain on my bank account.
I love him, but do I need to let him go to pursue this? Or should I try to stay and hope the man who was willing to work to understand himself and change negative behavior comes back?