witchick
07-12-2010, 10:34 AM
Hi everyone,
I need help ... Just some quick background: I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 2 months. It's a complex relationship - I have two kids and haven't been involved with anyone seriously since the children's father (almost 11 years ago), and he has never been in a love relationship before, which is unusual but true. We are both in our early 30s. We love each other very much.
Since he has never had a love relationship, he has developed very close and loving relationships with his friends. He has many female friends, and this has not been a problem until recently. One of his friends (who has known him for at least 10 years), became friendly with me over the last couple of months. She began to call me to hang out, etc. I thought we were becoming friends, and then things started becoming odd.
It seems like she has been in a position in the past to care for him - kind of acting like a girlfriend without kissing or having . A few times during this past year, she has slept over his house (he says not in the same bed), and a few times, she has also gone to his house in the morning and just not left until the night. He says that she does that sometimes because she doesn't like to be alone ... She is also a massage therapist.
About 6 months ago, she gave him a back massage in front of me, with another friend present as well, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me. He obviously was enjoying the massage - he was the one who asked - and she seemed to be really into it. I didn't know how to react. Afterwards, I told him that I was very uncomfortable with that happening in front of me, and it didn't happen again.
We don't often all hang out together, but when we do, they are both very touchy-feely with each other. He often will put his arm around her, hug and kiss hello and goodbye, and sometimes just hug when we are all together. He is very affectionate with all his friends, male and female, and it never bothered me. However ... in the past few weeks, she has begun to say things to me - she used to be "in love with him for years", she would love to live with him someday, she thinks he is so cute, etc. She has been saying things to indicate how close they are, and then I respond with something to indicate how close I am with him, and its almost like a competition.
I've begun to feel that she is trying to find out intimate things about my relationship with him, and in some ways she is beginning to emulate me. She keeps saying how she wants to grow her hair long like mine, she has started saying things I say, dress a little like me, and most recently she kept admiring a dress I was wearing until she said "I want that dress" in a tone that seemed like she wanted to rip it off me.
I was becoming increasingly weirded out by the things she was saying: does she still like him? what is going on?? I should note that he has never liked her in any way other than a close friendship. He has often said that now that he is with me, he feels like he waited all of this time for a love relationship because he had to meet me first.
I spoke to a friend about this, and she told me that she thought this was very inappropriate behavior. She advised me to say something before it got to a point where I would freak out on both of them.
The other night, the three of us went to a bar. We don't often hang out just the three of us together. She invited herself along. We were all sitting, not talking, just waiting for the band to begin. I went outside briefly to get some air, and happened to look in the window. I saw her behind him, massaging his shoulders, leaning against his back, talking closely and animatedly in his ear. I walked back in and said "what's going on?" She jumped back and looked at me with a mixture of surprise and guilt. He looked at me like "what do you mean?"
It was awkward for a while, and I couldn't even look at her. She asked me what was wrong, and seemed nervous. I didn't say anything, but I am almost positive that she knew why I was upset. I mean, I know they are close, but I feel like ... I don't know. I am his girlfriend. I don't want to be possessive and jealous, but - we share a close physical relationship. I don't like the fact that she massages him - and though I can't stop it, because I understand that has become part of their relationship dynamic, I don't want to see it done in front of me.
Instead of staying upset, I decided to try to act as normal as possible. I held hands with my boyfriend, he kissed me, put his arm around me, etc, etc, and things were ok. That night I spoke with him about it, and he didn't really get it, but he agreed that he would respect my feelings and not be SO touchy-feely with her and not ask for or receive back massages from her in my presence. I'm kind of at a point that I don't even want to rub his back, because I can't compare to a professional, and apparently she's really good.
This whole situation is tearing me up inside. I don't want to cause a rift in their friendship, but ... I'm confused. I know he hasn't had a girlfriend, so there was never anyone to say: maybe you shouldn't do this in front of someone you love and have with? They often hang out without me there, and I feel like this stuff must go on all the time. I am certain that he is not cheating. It's just a boundary thing. I think she's taken advantage of the fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend. She has had many boyfriends, some long term, some she has lived with, so I believe she must know that its not exactly in the normal-friend range.
I'm just afraid that even though I spoke with him, even though she knows I was bothered by her behavior, that it is still going to happen whenever they hang out, and that will carry over into situations when I am there too.
I just don't know what to do about this situation. Thanks so much for any advice you can give ...
I need help ... Just some quick background: I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 2 months. It's a complex relationship - I have two kids and haven't been involved with anyone seriously since the children's father (almost 11 years ago), and he has never been in a love relationship before, which is unusual but true. We are both in our early 30s. We love each other very much.
Since he has never had a love relationship, he has developed very close and loving relationships with his friends. He has many female friends, and this has not been a problem until recently. One of his friends (who has known him for at least 10 years), became friendly with me over the last couple of months. She began to call me to hang out, etc. I thought we were becoming friends, and then things started becoming odd.
It seems like she has been in a position in the past to care for him - kind of acting like a girlfriend without kissing or having . A few times during this past year, she has slept over his house (he says not in the same bed), and a few times, she has also gone to his house in the morning and just not left until the night. He says that she does that sometimes because she doesn't like to be alone ... She is also a massage therapist.
About 6 months ago, she gave him a back massage in front of me, with another friend present as well, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me. He obviously was enjoying the massage - he was the one who asked - and she seemed to be really into it. I didn't know how to react. Afterwards, I told him that I was very uncomfortable with that happening in front of me, and it didn't happen again.
We don't often all hang out together, but when we do, they are both very touchy-feely with each other. He often will put his arm around her, hug and kiss hello and goodbye, and sometimes just hug when we are all together. He is very affectionate with all his friends, male and female, and it never bothered me. However ... in the past few weeks, she has begun to say things to me - she used to be "in love with him for years", she would love to live with him someday, she thinks he is so cute, etc. She has been saying things to indicate how close they are, and then I respond with something to indicate how close I am with him, and its almost like a competition.
I've begun to feel that she is trying to find out intimate things about my relationship with him, and in some ways she is beginning to emulate me. She keeps saying how she wants to grow her hair long like mine, she has started saying things I say, dress a little like me, and most recently she kept admiring a dress I was wearing until she said "I want that dress" in a tone that seemed like she wanted to rip it off me.
I was becoming increasingly weirded out by the things she was saying: does she still like him? what is going on?? I should note that he has never liked her in any way other than a close friendship. He has often said that now that he is with me, he feels like he waited all of this time for a love relationship because he had to meet me first.
I spoke to a friend about this, and she told me that she thought this was very inappropriate behavior. She advised me to say something before it got to a point where I would freak out on both of them.
The other night, the three of us went to a bar. We don't often hang out just the three of us together. She invited herself along. We were all sitting, not talking, just waiting for the band to begin. I went outside briefly to get some air, and happened to look in the window. I saw her behind him, massaging his shoulders, leaning against his back, talking closely and animatedly in his ear. I walked back in and said "what's going on?" She jumped back and looked at me with a mixture of surprise and guilt. He looked at me like "what do you mean?"
It was awkward for a while, and I couldn't even look at her. She asked me what was wrong, and seemed nervous. I didn't say anything, but I am almost positive that she knew why I was upset. I mean, I know they are close, but I feel like ... I don't know. I am his girlfriend. I don't want to be possessive and jealous, but - we share a close physical relationship. I don't like the fact that she massages him - and though I can't stop it, because I understand that has become part of their relationship dynamic, I don't want to see it done in front of me.
Instead of staying upset, I decided to try to act as normal as possible. I held hands with my boyfriend, he kissed me, put his arm around me, etc, etc, and things were ok. That night I spoke with him about it, and he didn't really get it, but he agreed that he would respect my feelings and not be SO touchy-feely with her and not ask for or receive back massages from her in my presence. I'm kind of at a point that I don't even want to rub his back, because I can't compare to a professional, and apparently she's really good.
This whole situation is tearing me up inside. I don't want to cause a rift in their friendship, but ... I'm confused. I know he hasn't had a girlfriend, so there was never anyone to say: maybe you shouldn't do this in front of someone you love and have with? They often hang out without me there, and I feel like this stuff must go on all the time. I am certain that he is not cheating. It's just a boundary thing. I think she's taken advantage of the fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend. She has had many boyfriends, some long term, some she has lived with, so I believe she must know that its not exactly in the normal-friend range.
I'm just afraid that even though I spoke with him, even though she knows I was bothered by her behavior, that it is still going to happen whenever they hang out, and that will carry over into situations when I am there too.
I just don't know what to do about this situation. Thanks so much for any advice you can give ...