confused about fiancee

[lauriek82]

I have been with my fiancee for 2 years. we have a ten
year age difference (im 22 hes 32) we have been through alot
together. I have stuck by him through 2 suicide attempts, heavy drinking
depression, etc.(he has had a very rough past) Recently his old flame from high school, the girl he
lost his virginity to, and his first love, contacted him and they have been
talking alot. I was getting jealous and i snooped through his stuff and
noticed they were talking more about what was going on in their lives,
they would say stuff like i miss you, i will always love you etc. which i understand
considering this was his first real love. But he didnt tell her that we were
engaged. when i confronted him about this he said he would talk to her. Well a few days later I saw by his text messages that he was still talking to her and she put erase your messages after one so he had to have told her i was snooping. i waited and checked an email he sent to her and he told her he had a dream that she visited and they got a motel and made love all night long! I was upset so i called her to let her know that i was his fiancee, she still did not know(he told me that he had told her) and told her i was angry with what was going on. He got mad that i called her and we argued and i let him know how horrible i felt that he lied to me. He proceeded to tell me that we were having problems in our relationship and he was confused. then after i started crying and crying he said he loved me and wanted to work on things. He also said that we should wait on the engagement, then the next day was upset that iwasnt wearing my ring so i put it back on. I know he is still talking to her (that is another thing that makes me mad, she knows it upsets me yet she stil calls, that homewrecker) its like he wont sacrifice talking to her to better our relationship and i have noticed that he is quiet and distant. I want to talk to him about this but everytime i bring it up he gets pissed! I dont want to push him away but constantly bringing it up but i feel like i am doing all the work, and he just swept this under the rug. i love him to death, i want things to work, i want the romance back in our relationship pls help! what should i do?
i was thinking on staying with my parents for the weekend to let him be alone maybe?

[bdtraders]

I have had the same problems with my Fiance in the past not wanting to hear what i have had to say and she would get pissed and leave the room. You and him need to seriousy sit down at a time when hes not moody and tell him that you are just going to "talk" to him, you dont want to argue , you dont want to start a fight you just want to get things off your chest and to please love you enough to sit there and listen to them. Then proceed with EXACTLY how you feel and that you are thinking about leaving (dont say just to your moms for the weekend). Tell him what bothers you and how that makes you feel inside. Dont just bash him with everything but also point out ways that you and him can grow and get closer again and you both can change things about yourselves. Let him know the love you have for him but also the love that you have for yourself. When you get done ask him to talk to you and try to have a good conversation. Ask him how would he feel if the rolls were reversed.

If he dosent want to even sit and talk to you about your feelings then pack a bag and go to your moms, till you are ready to come home, if at all. When he asks where you are going, just say "Out" , when he wants to talk to you , you will talk to him more.

[eightball61]

The tough thing about this would be to giving him up if you ever had to..... I say this because you both been through so much and you stuck there the whole time. The hardest part would be you trying to let go and not going back. I am not going to sit here and erg you to leave....What I want to try to do is help you define the problem and how you both need to work on this together.

In order to make this right you both need to work as a team. He will need to give up his daily chats with this women and work on the relationship like he originally wanted to. He is the only one that can make that adjustment...... With his constant lieing, sneaking around, argueing, ect it going to be very hard for him to stop his communication with her but he will need to stop it in order to keep you around.

You need to put him in the position as giving him the choice between you or her. If he is really serious about wanting to fix things then the first step is to find out why he is so tempted to call her, then you both need to have a game plan, after that he needs to stop calling her and tell her to do the same, and then work things out together.

One person won't be able to fix this. He has a bigger bag on his shoulders because he is the one that created this mess but its going to take the both of you to get out it. It all boils down to respect and when you put him in the position of choosing then you will know then how much respect he actually has for you and the relationship.

[lauriek82]

i have talked to him about talking to her and he says its innocent, they are just catching up and he thinks im making up stuff in my head. He says they dont even know each other anymore they just talk about the past. That is why i am so hurt. I feel that if that relationship is in the past, he has something better now (me) and that should be his main focus. if he really loves me wouldnt he sacrifice anything to be with me? Im questioning whether or not he is just staying with me so i dont get upset, or what. I would love to sit and talk to him seriously about it, but he gets all aggravated cuz we have talked 3 or 4 times within the past two weeks...he has serious anger management issues. I need to approach with caution but i am afraid i will wait to long. just now he came home on his break and i gave him a gift, he said thank you honey, but i didnt even get a kiss....

[bdtraders]

You seriously sound like the female version of me, read my posts that i posted and follow the advice 8ball and others gave me.

You havent really talked with him, you think you have but you havent.

[eightball61]

i have talked to him about talking to her and he says its innocent, .


He says those conversations are innocent? :confused: wow :eek:


You need to bring up for findings to him. You need to mention things you read and give them as examples. The conversations you listed in the post about "i miss you" and " i will always love you" has no past tense form to them. He is emotionally cheating on you with another girl.

I really find this not a friendship talk. Friends may miss each other but not in the way they are expressing it. He has lied before about this and thats what has me thinkng he is hiding something or there is more t the situation.

Even though he gets fustrated with it you need to bring it up more with the examples. He is in the wrong and his fustration is showing that. You need to pound it to him like his mother would. If he chooses not to listen to you then that basically says he doesn't have respect for you. In that case, make the adult decision and leave before you get hurt even more by this guy.

[Rich]

Laurie....I'm right there with your feelings on this. He has you and if he's happy and satisfied with you enough to want to marry you, then he shouldn't need to rekindle this "friendship" with this girl.

By continuing to do that after you've expressed your disatisfaction with the contact between them, he's disrespecting and belittling your feelings. Not a great sign as to how things will be in your marriage because if he's doing that now, then he'll do it then as well.

As for his telling her about his dream....that was a feeler that he was throwing out to her to see if she felt the same way. If she did, then he'd follow up on it and they would have together. There's no other reason to talk about this dream as it's not revisiting the past. It's about a possible future event.

Maybe he's the kind of guy that needs to be hit over the head and shown what's what. If that's the case then I'd advise leaving him for a period of time to let him see that you're serious and what life would be like if you were gone.

On the flip side, my feelings are of the kind where I feel that one shouldn't have to force or hit someone over the head to get them to respect you. That they should do it freely and wantingly out of the love that they have for you.

I just think that with this guy your relationship over the long term will be filled with rough roads. If it's always been your dream to have a great relationship with lots of love and where you and your hubby are great partners who will handle everything together as mature, understanding, caring, communicative, trusting and respecting adults, I having a hard time seeing you getting there with this guy.

Step back from the emotion of your relationship and take a 10,000 foot view of it. Is this what you truly want long term? Do you really think that you'll be happy forever and ever with this guy? Are you being treated the way that you should be being treated? Is your relationship more work than happiness?

I think that if your honest with yourself on the answers to these questions, then you should see what you have to do.

Good luck.

[SALly]

I'd take a break. Go stay with your parents for a weekend like you mentioned. Let him see that you are totally serious about this...then it is up to him whether he realizes he was just caught up in some old fantasies for a while or whether he wants to pursue this other person.

[Rich]

IMO it has to be longer than a weekend for him to realize what's more important to him.

[lauriek82]

gosh this feels so horrible! He is my world and I hate that I am not his. Should I talk to him before i stay with my parents, or should i just leave? I hope this will work. He is so stubborn. But you are right with the dream, that wasnt catching up on the past, that was planning the future. And I should be more important than her why cant he realize that?!
The other thing i found out is that they didnt break up in a bad way, he moved away. maybe thats why he is having a hard time letting go? Or he wants to still have me there in case things dont work out with her huh? This whole situation really sucks.

Another thing too is that we live together in an apartment which is under my name. I would have to give a 30 day notice if we were to break up cuz i cannot afford this place without him.
I appreciate all of your advice, it helps, its just hard to actually believe this is happening to me i keep pretending everything is ok so i dont lose him but i think it is just making it worse for me. I need a smack in the face!

[eightball61]

Kick his ass out and put an add in the local paper for a roomate. Or...find the roomate first and then kick his ass out.

[Rich]

Don't let emotions cloud your judgement or vision as to what is actually happening.

We'd all like to close our eyes and wish things to be better, but life doesn't happen that way.

Your situation is why I'm not a proponent of BF and GF moving in together. Most probably that couple is going to break up and then they're handcuffed or forced accept things because either one or both of them can't move out or afford things on their own.

Couples that are dating shouldn't move in with one another unless it's right close to the wedding date. Less problems that way.

You need to step back and take the emotion of what's happening out of the equation. Doing that will help you figure out the right thing to do.

[bdtraders]

Hey lauriek82 you and your man dont live in Hawaii and his names Steve right?

Sounds very familiar to what me and my So went through with a guy in Hawaii named Steve.

lol

just had to check..lol

[lauriek82]

nope live in california...and his name isnt steve. I have finally come to realization that the next day we get to talk (which is tuesday) I am going to tell him that i cant take these feelings anymore and I am going to stay with my mom for a while. Im going to tell him that he knows that this situation is killing me yet he is not doing anything to reassure me that he only loves me and i know that he is still talkin to her be it friendly or not, i dont care anymore the point is that he is still talking to her knowing how much it hurts me. what should i say im staying at my parents so he can have some space? or so i can reassess my emotions. crap i dont know.. THIS IS KILLING ME! i cant stop crying about it i feel worthless, and i am not feeling these feelings cuz "i think" something is going on, i KNOW something is going on or he wouldnt have told her that he had a dream he made love to her and you dont do that unless something IS going on. if not you wouldnt tell a soul! And if he loves me so much he would stop all this knowing that it is making me feel worthless.

[eightball61]

he knows that this situation is killing me yet he is not doing anything to reassure me that he only loves me and i know that he is still talkin to her be it friendly or not, i.


Your are right and if he did have respect then he would show it more than he is......You are making the right decision and please keep us posted.

[Rich]

I wouldn't cry over this guy. Better you find out now about his true feelings about you and your relationship, rather than later when you're in deeper or with child.

You should be first in his life and you aren't. Actually you will never be. If he doesn't have that feeling now, then he won't get it.

[lauriek82]

hey guys...

heres an update...

i didnt end up staying with my mom... somehow things started to get better and he started to show more afection so i thought i would stay (lord knows i didnt wanna stay at my parents and share a room with my sister) it seems like he has stopped talking to her so much and I want to sit down and have a talk with him but we are both so busy. hopefully this wednesday we can find the time. we went out with his best friend he hasnt seen in forever and he couldnt stop talking about how great i was, how i take care of him and how excited he was to be marrying me... Though this made me feel great and giddy, why cant he tell me this kinda stuff? thats all i wanted. Does he have a problem showing his emotion to me? and I wonder has he told her this yet? Cuz the talking hasnt been as consistent as before. I admit i saw some of the messages and she asks a million questions like what are you doing this weekend can i talk to you? and when he doesnt responds she keeps sending the same message. argh cant she get the hint? i think he needs to tell her flat out stop calling! thats all i ask. esp since he all of a sudden is uber excited about gettin married to me.

[eightball61]

It sounds like a lightbulb went off inside of his head but I would still be cautious. If you feel that can you trust his new change then build off from that but if you don't then you need to mention that to him when you both have that talk. You can keep tab on who he text messages daily. You can count the number for each day and have that number recorded so when you do get the bill you can compare it.

He caused this doing on himself. He can't expect a big change to happen right off. I do prey that hopefully reality did hit him and he is going to be the man that proposed to you....I do wish you both luck.

[inquisitive]

Sometimes people just don't know how to express themselves to their partner's. I know my SO is like that. I don't think he's ever said to me "you're perfect, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" except for very recently after we got back together a few years ago. But he says it in front of me to his friends all the time. So I just know that's how he feels.
You're right about him needing to be blunt with this girl and tell her to stop. Is he not willing to do that?

[Rich]

Why you don't think more of yourself is beyond me. You should work on your low self esteem and low self confidence issues.

Going back to your original postings. Your BF has said that he's confused about you and that your relationship has issues. Have those issues been addressed or have you conveniently forgotten that he's said that and feels this way?

He's had a tough past. Drinking and suicide attempts.

He's has severe anger management issues that makes you fearful and that you have to tread lightly.

Converses with an ex behind your back.

After all of this, he talks highly about you to his friend and you're all giddy like a little school girl and back to square one (getting married).

Good luck. IMO, I don't see this marriage being a happy one long term or lasting long term for that matter either. Hopefully you're not offended by that but it's just that you're entering into something that requires two strong, confident, intelligent, mature, understanding, trusting, caring, grounded and communicative individuals and I just don't see these traits present here.

Engagements are commitments to each other. It's not a gun to your head to get married. Don't let your emotions cloud the issues that exist before you. Take your rose colored glasses off and see what you actually have here.

But then again, I don't know you. Maybe having no self confiedence and no self esteem, you don't feel that you could find anyone else. Maybe you'll just take whatever you can get.

We each chart our own course with the tools that we are given.

Good luck

[eightball61]

Sometimes people just don't know how to express themselves to their partner's.


He does express himself but its to other people rather than his own girlfriend.

[inquisitive]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Sometimes they can't express themselves to their partners but that doesn't mean they don't have the feelings. My SO never tells "me" that "I'm perfect, the best thing that's ever happened to him" etc, yet he tells other people all the time. He loves me. He doesn't mind everyone knowing. He tells all his friends all the time that we're going to be together forever, and he doesn't know where he'd be without me.

I know how he feels, and I understand that it's not his personality to sit down and just say what he's feeling to me. It's not really my personality either. We tell eachother that we love eachother all the time, but that's as far as our "expressiveness" goes. :)

[eightball61]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Sometimes they can't express themselves to their partners but that doesn't mean they don't have the feelings. My SO never tells "me" that "I'm perfect, the best thing that's ever happened to him" etc, yet he tells other people all the time. He loves me. He doesn't mind everyone knowing. He tells all his friends all the time that we're going to be together forever, and he doesn't know where he'd be without me.



But does your boyfriend tell other girls that he misses them and loves them like this guy is?

[inquisitive]

No, your right!!! I wasn't saying that was OK! I think he should be cutting contact completely with this woman. To me that would be the respectable thing to do for his girlfriend.

[eightball61]

No, your right!!! I wasn't saying that was OK! I think he should be cutting contact completely with this woman. To me that would be the respectable thing to do for his girlfriend.



Oh, I agree with the fact he needs to cut off the contact with this other girl but the problem doesn't stand with him showing emotions. He has shown the emotions when she tried pulling away and he stated he did love her. His goal has to be keeping these feelings to one person and that person is his girlfriend. He is going outside of the relationship to discuss feelings to another person and that does classify as cheating to me. If he trully loved his GF then he would cut off the contact and show those feelings he was discussing with the other girl to his very own girlfriend.

The thing that scares me is his feelings to that other girl may have been meant. If thats the case then we have a bigger problem....... :eek: