Five year relationship starting to fall apart

[newguy]

Hello!
This is my first time here, and i have to admit.. the only reason i am posting here is because i feel desperate for some advice.
I have been dating this girl for about 5 and a half years now and like most relationships we've had our ups and downs...

Recently we were finishing our masters course and had to deal with alot of stress lately and in my opinion really made a big dent in our relationship.
We used to be extremly close her and i... and used to do everything together.. but latly i have been feeling ignored by her.. and put to the side...
She has been going alot to facebook and talking to alot of people... my problem is that they are always male friends which she just met... After speaking with them online, they invite her for a to go have a coffee or go to a dinner party, which she proceeds to go.. I feel extremly jelous and sad cause they are not friends that she would go for years.. its just random people on facebook...
She has invited me before but if i cant go she goes anyway by herself... which still upsets me..

I feel she is spending more time on facebook speaking to her "friends" then to me.. Worst of all i have seen one of them speak very unaproprietly to her even though he was aware she had a boyfriend. I was forced to send him a message to please stop talking to her... although it really hurt me to do it myslf... when i think she should have done it as soon as he unaproprietly spoke to her.. I feel she is sending a message out to every1 that she does not respect me...

What really makes this hard is that we had problems in the past... and she met a guy from some other country and chatted with him much more then normal... we were going through a rough time so she came to me and told me she was starting to like him... we then solved things and stayed together and she never spoke to him again.. but i felt extremly betrayed and hurt.. i trusted her 100% at the time and now i really feel terrible everytime she tells me she spent the whole afternoon speaking to some guy or she is talking with the webcam to another guy...
I just feel i am not being respected... and would like to know if i am just a paranoid jelous boyfriend or if she is actually not respecting me.
I will admit i have not been 100% good boyfriend.. but i keep her at the center of my universe.. i really love her and try and help her whenever she needs...She says she loves me too.. And up untill recently i had no doubt in my mind that she loved me with all her heart...
We got into alot of fights lately and tried to break up.. but we both just couldnt do it and she said she just needed some time apart... still as boyfriend and girlfriend but just apart.... so i came to my hometown for a while to cool things down...
Things havent changed and its getting worse for me.. i feel extremly annoyed when i am talking to her on the phone while talking to them on facebook..
I hope i dont pass a negative image of her.. she is really a nice person and thats why so many guys go after her, not to mention she is extremly beautiful.. but she seems to have changed.. I really miss her alot and she seems to miss me too.
I am sure she has not cheated on me.. and i keep contact with her everyday..

She says she loves me and wants me to visit he family with her but doesnt want to work things out..
I have been begging for us to fix things.. but she says she only wants to do that after the time apart so she can miss me.. but its eating me up inside..
I am trying really hard to keep this relationship together but feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.

Any advice would be greatly apreciated.. sorry for the wall of text, and sorry for the badly written english but i am not used to writing much..

[smackie9]

Well guess what. She has been cheating on you. Emotional affairs are not any different than ual ones.....it's still cheating. She may think it's ok to get the attention of other men because there is no involved but sharing feelings intimately is what she is doing. I can't believe you even let her go out to meet these guys....it's no different than going out on dates. You should have kicked her to the curb by now. You are right you have lost the battle. Emotionally she has already let your relationship. Why she does this? There's something lacking in your relationship.....attention. Do you tell her how y she is or how hot she is? Do you tell her how much she turns you on when you are outside the bedroom? Are you adventurous or spontaneous with her? She's gets bored or she feels neglected so she turns to these guys to fill that void. You should have caught it the first time. But you let things slide again. Another reason is time. As we get older our expectations, goals, interests, tastes changes. She may feel she needs to move onto newer things to bring excitement back into her life. I don't know her so what I'm telling you is only my take is what is going on. You will have to talk to her yourself after you both have had your cooling off period.

[newguy]

Thank you so much for the reply smackie9!
She has complained to me about lots of stuff, like the things you have mentioned... and i have commited myself to solve them... but it is hard to try if things are going the way they are.
About the cheating part.. she says that she has no romantic connection with anybody she goes with, so its not cheating.. I believe her that she didnt get any romantic connection, but still feel its strange that she would need so much other company... its wierd not only to me.. but also to the people her and i know. I feel a little embarassed... I dont want people to think that she is up for grabs... i want them to know that she is in a relationship with me and treat her accordingly.
Given what she said... is it still not acceptable? When i complain to her about this issue.. she tells me to not tell her what she can or cant do, and that she'll speak to whoever she wants...
I try to explain to her that in a relationship, we cant just do whatever we want cause we are bound to each other... but she doesnt seem to agree, i think she is just angry for our recent bad time together..
Am i wrong about all this? If she is just trying to make friends, should i still be worried?
Thank you for all your help!

[smackie9]

She is getting quite defensive about it isn't she. She's telling you a huge load of crap. She is choosing to be with these guys over you because she is what they call an attention . That says there isn't much to your relationship anymore if she is spending all her time out with men. Now there's nothing with having a quick beer after work with a male co-worker, or a lunch once in awhile, but if she is going for dinners, the movies, clubbing etc. that is no different than dating.

Well two can play that game I guess. I don't recommend revenge but if she thinks what she is doing is ok, why not you find some nice lady friends to go out with and see what your wife thinks of that.

[newguy]

Things are going from terrible to worse... she at least promised me she wouldnt drink in her outings... and tonight she got home drunk with this new group of friends i dont know.. niether does she.. she just went out with them once to a birthday party.
I am extremly heart broken, and feel she is being extremly selfish and incosiderate with my feelings.. but i still love her... and it is so hard to stop..
I am building up a huge rage towards these new found friends and especially one that is constantly talking to her.. i have a feeling i am going to snap and do something when i see him personally..
Me and her had talked things out before... and we decided for me to go earlier back so i could meet these new people and that i could take away my jealousy... i tried adding that guy to my friends in facebook but he doesnt want to accept, he says its cause he doesnt know me, even though he phoned my girlfriend the second i added him... the thing is.. he didnt know my girlfriend either when he accepted her request... at least he knows that i am her boyfriend...
Now i was gonna go on tuesday to work things out and she said she was gonna go for an hour to have a coffee for an hour.. but then she stayed the hole night... drinking..
She could have at least waited untill tuesday.. it wasnt that hard...
She has a strange personality when she drinks... and i've noticed her side comes into play when she is in that state... so i get extremly worried.. she even used to agree with me..
She always drunk only when she was with me, but i think she changed and is becoming a horrible person... And i am suffering so much...
To make matters worse... i asked: "why did you drink?" she answered "they kept asking the drinks for me" and i almost exploded... i felt like droping a bomb each of those people's houses which just helps my rage..
I am sorry not talking clearly.. but i am extremly upset with all this and have nobody to talk to..
I used to be a very social person and then i starting dating her.. she wanted to have a more just me and her relationship.. in which i changed and focused my days around her... now she changed all of a suddon and doing all this while i feel alone.. and with just forums to help me.
About the jealousy thing... i would feel so unconfortable doing it to her because i have a strong sense of loyalty... and i cant even try.. I would feel terrible.. which is what i would like her to be feeling right now. :(
Thanx 4 all your help smackie9, its really great that you help so many people here on the forums...

[smackie9]

You keep blaming these other people, when it's not them at fault here. Your GF is no innocent. Time for you to WAKE UP! She is a mature woman. She can make her own decisions. She can speak. She can say no to the drinks, she can say no to a guy's advances, but the truth of the matter is she does not. Alcohol + woman = instant slut. That is how my brother always put it and I agree. The only reason these guys call her is because she encourages it. She is the one that hands out her number, she is the one that seeks them out on facebook. And since there is no ring on her finger, she is considered up for grabs by other men. I'm sorry but it's only a matter of time when she tells you she wants her space.

[Manna]

It sounds to me like you two have a serious problem with communication. I know exactly how you feel. I've been known to get jealous over petty stuff. There is nothing wrong with her having guy friends to hang out with. In fact, most of my friends are guys (one of them being my ex), and I've been in a steady relationship for nearly 3 1/2 years. He has chick friends, and it bothers me, but I know he's not doing anything wrong. I'm just jealous. Also, there is nothing wrong with you having chick friends, as long as you know, and respect, the boundaries. I do agree with Smakie on one point: Cheating isn't always physical. I consider ually fantasizing about some other than your gf/bf to be cheating. However, 'intimate talk' can mean anything from unloading your problems on someone, to talking to them as if you want to 'get intimate' with them. If all your girlfriend is doing is being friends with these guys, and nothing more, then there is nothing wrong. However, if she really is being mysterious about what they talk about, spending too much time with them, and coming home drunk, then you have every right to be suspicious. From what I've read, she has no real desire to work things out and, the way you make it sound, she is hoping to push you to your limits. If this is the case, I know you love her, but you need to decide what is best for you. You need to decide what you need, not want. You want to be with her, but, from what you've said, she sounds very unhealthy for you psychologically and emotionally. You need to sit down, review your relationship and how its been in the past year or so, and ask yourself 'Is she good for me?' Then, you need to sit her down, and actually talk to her. Tell her everything you've been feeling, exactly how you've been feeling it. Then, get her side of the story, her feelings, etc. That talk and how she reacts to it will help you make up your mind. If she reacts negatively, and still doesn't want to work things out, its time to move on, no matter how much it hurts. If you genuinely seem to be getting through to her (and make sure you are truly getting to her, not just making yourself think you are because you want to so badly) then maybe the relationship can be saved. Just always remember, think with your brain, not your heart.