Marriage - What does it mean?

[inquisitive]

I'm curious as to how others view marriage now a days. What do you see as the difference between being married, and living with someone? Why is it even considered differently anymore when we have common-law? It's not any harder to leave a marriage than it is a common-law relationship. Why should you have to sign a piece of paper to prove that you're going to be together? That little piece of paper doesn't really mean anything because you can get a divorce just by signing another piece of paper.

[eightball61]

True, why do we need to sign a paper? Just living with the partner just save the hassle from getting a divorce if it ever came down to it. The problem though is many people like to stick to traditions. People like change but they hate the way it effect them so they stick to the typical ways others do things.

We were taught that couples are suppose to get married, have children, ect. Now, we see that all changing with rights, common law, ect. there may come a time where not getting married is natural but may take a long time for that to ever happen.

Today our lives are also based on paper and computer. More things are being done by contracts and terms so this way its a way to show proff of something. Without having documentation its hard to prove agreement, ownership, ect. Paper work will also elimate the phrases "She said this or He said that". Paperwork basically underlies in wording an agreement that has been made.

I will say that I am the type that likes to have the whole wedding thing and thats because I very traditional :p

[Diablo]

In this day and age, I wouldn't marry without a prenuptial agreement.

But basically, the marriage ceremony is mostly for legal reasons these days. Spouses have more rights than live-ins. Also, it's best to get married if you want to have a family. Otherwise, there's not much difference because you can do everything else without getting married.

[vaiolust]

To me, marrige is the ultimate commitment.. i often try to put into words what my g/f means to me.. and it will never come out right.. not like i have it in my heart.. but when i get on my knee, and ask her to marry me.. when i recite my vows to her under that arch.. i know for sure that my words will be felt.. and to me, thats worth it all.. at times i just want her to know i am always there for her.. and that i would do absolutly anything for her with a smile on my face.. suppose thats it for me.. why marrige is an important and perminent thing in my life.. to some it isnt at all..

[SALly]

To me marriage is when two people plan to spend the rest of their lives together. Build a life together, maybe raise a family. Not give up when things get tough. Not split up the family, thinking you will always be a parent whether you are together or not, but try to stay together so kids can have parents together. So they can learn to deal with problems and do their best, not just run away and move on when problems occur. Marriage to me is working together to reach your goals, understanding that people change along the way.

[Rich]

Maybe we go about things wrong.

Maybe we should make divorces free, but charge people $25,000 for a marriage license.

[SALly]

you know its weird, but I stay becuase there really just isnt' anyplace I would rather be. I want to be in my house with my family. I want to be with the kids every minute of everyday. I don't want some other lady in charge of my kids nor do I want to date and try to make sure this new guy would be a good father figure to my kids. I am struggling with this so bad. I don't understand why you guys think I just need to leave. OK I get the fact that I admit if there were no kids I would have left long ago. BUT that is due to the affair and I would've liked, at the time, to try to have a relationship with that guy. Yes I will always be their mother, but I dont' want to be a parttime mom. I need to be there for them 24/7 and no less with do. Why isnt' it better to try at the marriage and get back some of that fun and love that has been tossed aside, than to just move on. I can see myself being with the hubby and kids even if we got divorced becuase that is where I want to be. HELP!!!!!!!!!! :o

[SALly]

Maybe we go about things wrong.

Maybe we should make divorces free, but charge people $25,000 for a marriage license.
Fabulous Idea!!!!!!!!!!

[quad aces]

marriage is the ultimate commitment to love.. If you love someone so deeply then why would you not want to spend the rest of your life with them... I personally am in a perdiciment right now that is very tough for me .. but i love her so much that i still want to marry her have a family with her and live the rest of my life with her under the sacred vows of marriage... when you stand there and say your vows for better for worse rich and poor etc etc your saying them for a reason.. i havent said my vows yet but i feel like i have as right now it seems like me and her are going threw one of the worse times that is part of those vows now... just my take on marriage

[eightball61]

Sally,

You make the decision that you are comfortable with. I see your point into staying and it makes sense. You both could divorce after the kids are out of the house if things are still the same. Only time may tell because you both could have a better marriage by that time. The only advice that I can give you is just try to be happy around your kids at all times. I am sure you allready are happy around them but I am mentioning this because kids can sense when a parent is feeling down. Just try to make the marriage as best as you can and see what the future holds when it gets there.

[inquisitive]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I guess I just don't understand the need for marriage, and I'm tired of being asked when I'm getting married. It's as if people treat our relationship as not important, or not as serious, just because we're not married. Yet we are planning our future together. We have agreed that we are 100% committed to eachother, and want to be together forever. We've been through hard times, and will probably be through more. The important thing is that we support and love eachother. We are planning to have kids. Actually for some time next year. He's expressed to me that he would marry me, it's just not a priority. More of a priority for us is to build a life together that we can raise a family with. To own our own home/condo, car, etc. the things most people want in life!

[SALly]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I guess I just don't understand the need for marriage, and I'm tired of being asked when I'm getting married. It's as if people treat our relationship as not important, or not as serious, just because we're not married. Yet we are planning our future together. We have agreed that we are 100% committed to eachother, and want to be together forever. We've been through hard times, and will probably be through more. The important thing is that we support and love eachother. We are planning to have kids. Actually for some time next year. He's expressed to me that he would marry me, it's just not a priority. More of a priority for us is to build a life together that we can raise a family with. To own our own home/condo, car, etc. the things most people want in life!
I don't really see much difference between living together and being commited to each other or being married. "Living together" wasn't really accepted a while back but now it is. I think religious beliefs have a lot to do with it. I wonder what things will be like in another... say.... 50 years.....

[eightball61]

More of a priority for us is to build a life together that we can raise a family with. !


You both have found goal together and you should keep to it. Some people have different goals and thats why they prefer having marriage the traditional way. You both have other goals to accomplish first and you both have the right mindset. To me you have a healthy relationship because you and your partner agree to this.

People will ask these questions all the time and its just be you ignore it or explain the goal you both have. There is nothing wrong with what you both have going because right now you seem happy with the outcome.....

[SALly]

Sally,

You make the decision that you are comfortable with. I see your point into staying and it makes sense. You both could divorce after the kids are out of the house if things are still the same. Only time may tell because you both could have a better marriage by that time. The only advice that I can give you is just try to be happy around your kids at all times. I am sure you allready are happy around them but I am mentioning this because kids can sense when a parent is feeling down. Just try to make the marriage as best as you can and see what the future holds when it gets there.
Thanks for the comments 8ball. :p

[eightball61]

Thanks for the comments 8ball. :p


No problem Sally..... ;) I know I have busted your chop before about your situation but the decision is based on you. I still feel different about your decision but I respect your thoughts to the whole thing. As long as you both don't make it a problem with the kids then I see no problem with your decision.

[Rich]

Sally-

Do what's right for your heart. With you, it's staying for your childrens sake. There's no right or wrong, for each person is different.

If this is the choice that you're making, then have no regrets or beat yourself up over it. Just accept your marriage for what it's worth and move forward.

Just know that as your kids get older and if you ever get busted for "straying" again, that it might hurt just as much as if you had divorced.

Do what you feel is the right thing to do for your life.

[SALly]

Sally-

Do what's right for your heart. With you, it's staying for your childrens sake. There's no right or wrong, for each person is different.

If this is the choice that you're making, then have no regrets or beat yourself up over it. Just accept your marriage for what it's worth and move forward.

Just know that as your kids get older and if you ever get busted for "straying" again, that it might hurt just as much as if you had divorced.

Do what you feel is the right thing to do for your life.
Thanks Rich, I don't plan to stray anymore-- although I guess I didn't "plan" last time either.....

[Rich]

Sally-

I'm still of the personal opinion that all hearts crave to be loved and appreciated and actively seek those feelings out.

That even though in your head you feel that you're doing the right thing for your children, that if the relationship beween you and your husband doesn't change for the better, that you're always gonna have this "empty" feeling inside of you. That you won't be truly happy.

You'll be existing, but you won't be living.

I wish you luck.

Right now you have your kids to keep you busy. But when they get into their teens and are home less and reliant on you even less, that's when your lonliness will really be felt.

Hopefully things will change between you and your husband by then.

[inquisitive]

Sally-


Just know that as your kids get older and if you ever get busted for "straying" again, that it might hurt just as much as if you had divorced.



That is very true. My father had an affair over the internet with some woman. I found out. In fact, I even read their chats, and saw the pics she sent him - that's how I found out. I lost a lot of respect for my father, and I moved out of their home very soon after. I don't know if my mom ever found out, or if she knows I know. My parents did not have a happy marriage when I was a kid. I don't know when I realized that, but I knew. When I found out that he was cheating on her I really did wish they would rather have broken up than for him to do that. They seem to be happy now however, if not happier. I don't know exactly why. Maybe they worked on their relationship. Who knows, but it's not something you want your kids to find out about!

[SALly]

I know- I completely understand what you guys are saying.

[eightball61]

I know- I completely understand what you guys are saying.


Sally, we are not trying to hound on you. We are trying to get you to look in the future and have you realize how things may be. My ex. girfriends parents stayed together until the kids were graduated. The pain was felt among them because they new what was going on. Thier signs were more visable though because the parents never slept in the same bedroom.

I am not a parent but to me I think gaining personal happiness and still being a father would be my top goal. I wouldn't want to waste valuable years to my life because I think it would better everyone but me by staying. If you were to leave your children would still have a mother and still be loved by thier mother...

[SALly]

My parents did the same thing. I've seen the pain, the crying, etc. Why would I want to do that same thing???

BTW I know you aren't hounding me. I keep bringing it up....I'm just trying to find something that makes sense to me.

[eightball61]

Why would I want to do that same thing???


I don't know why???

Do you know?

:confused:

[SALly]

no_i Have No Idea!!!! :(

[Rich]

Right now you have a worse vision of divorce than of the implications of staying and that's why you're staying.

Know this. Divorce is only as bad as the two people that are going through it. It doesn't have to be bad if both people realize that it's about that time for the marriage to end and that it's for the better.

No one becomes less of a father or a mother because of a divorce. The only time that something like that happens is if one party becomes vindictive and tries to use the kids as weapons to hurt the other or tries to lessen the relationship between a parent and the children.

Two mature people who have come to the same conclusion about their marriage and who only have the children's best interest at heart, don't do that.

There's a good chance that divorce isn't as bad as you think it might be. Or are you concerned also of what people might think or say about you?

[SALly]

Right now you have a worse vision of divorce than of the implications of staying and that's why you're staying.

Know this. Divorce is only as bad as the two people that are going through it. It doesn't have to be bad if both people realize that it's about that time for the marriage to end and that it's for the better.

No one becomes less of a father or a mother because of a divorce. The only time that something like that happens is if one party becomes vindictive and tries to use the kids as weapons to hurt the other or tries to lessen the relationship between a parent and the children.

Two mature people who have come to the same conclusion about their marriage and who only have the children's best interest at heart, don't do that.

There's a good chance that divorce isn't as bad as you think it might be. Or are you concerned also of what people might think or say about you?
I don't give a shit what anyone says or thinks. I guess I feel overwhelmed like my life as I know it would be over.

[inquisitive]

Your life as you know it now would be over in a sense. But isn't that really what you want? To have a better life, and relationships?

[SALly]

I don't know. It's complicated. My family isnt' near me. I couldnt' move closer to them, I couldnt' take the kids away from their dad. So no my life really wouldnt' be any better. (Except I guess I could get more .)

[eightball61]

I guess I feel overwhelmed like my life as I know it would be over.

Its only over if you make it over and give up.

[SALly]

Sorry- I always take over everyones thread talking about me. Just let it go. I've already made my decision for now.

[eightball61]

I've already made my decision for now.


& I respect your decision. We are just trying to get you to see in the future how things may turn out. As long as you are happy doing this then thats all it matters... right?

[piratesmate]

Maybe we go about things wrong.

Maybe we should make divorces free, but charge people $25,000 for a marriage license.

I AGREE WITH YOU! GREAT IDEA!