View Full Version : Help why do I feel like this??
honeybun
05-09-2005, 04:41 PM
Help I really need some advice because I am really struggling with my own sanity at the moment.
I am 28,and have been married to a 39 yr old man who is successful, ambitious and y for 5 years. I am told that I am beautiful but don't believe i am beautiful enough. We have 2 gorgeous children and have just found out we are expecting another one.
I have a wonderful life and everything I could possibly need yet still I am so insecure about my marriage and my husband.
He tells me he loves me all the time, he calls me from work at least 3 times a day, he tells me I am gorgeous and compliments me all the time, he doesn't go out with his friends very often, he has helped my family out unconditionally when they have needed it and he worries all the time about how i feel.
On top of this though I cannot let him go out to a restaurant or bar without wondering who he has looked at. I get paranoid if he stops for petrol to know if he has seen a magazine or newspaper with a half woman on it. If we go out and he glances in the direction of a woman that I think is attractive I go in a mood for hours. If I see a pretty woman on the television I try to distract him so he deosn't see her.
I feel physically sick to think that he finds other women attractive and I just really don't know what to do. Help!!!!!
eightball61
05-09-2005, 04:47 PM
Lets stick to one thread ok honeybun ;)
Again, Have you seeked counseling or thought about it?
This is very tough because your actions are controlled by you. The only way to seek a change is to fight off the thoughts to make the change. I ask about counseling because that may be able to help you open your mind up to the change.
Is your insecurities killing the marriage or is it just affecting you? From what you describe he sounds like a very caring guy. I would like to know more about how he reacts to your insecurities....
SALly
05-09-2005, 05:04 PM
Has he given you any reason to be so insecure?
Try to do something for yourself to help boost your self esteem. Maybe go get a makeover, new hair-style, get a workout program going, something that will help you feel better about yourself.
HoneyBun-
You definately need to work on your lack of self esteem and self confidence.
For some reason you don't feel worthy of your husbands love for you.
Maybe there were some things from your youth that have contributed to this and the only way to figure out why you act this way is with professional help.
You need to talk to someone. And you know what, your insecurity issues might even also extend from a previous life time. Often times people have fears and phobias that can be traced under hypnosis from previous lifetimes. Maybe your case is like that.
What I do know is that you will sour your husband on you if you continue to act the way that you do. Your actions aren't healthy for a happy marriage and from what you wrote, your husband hasn't given you any reason to act the way that you do. Your actions are self induced.
Explain to your husband that your insecurities aren't healthy and you know that. Tell him that you'd like to talk to a professional and see why that is.
If I can ask, have these insecurities come about after the birth of your children or did you act this way when it was just you two?
honeybun
05-09-2005, 06:30 PM
Thanks for the advice, I have been to get counselling and I am actually going at the moment but nothing really seems to be helping, maybe I haven't given enough time to it yet.
My husband is pretty patient, he has tried to deal with things head on and does reassure me a lot but he has also told me that I have to accept that there are lots of attractive women in the world and whilst he is not interested in anyone else, he thinks that I shouldn't have a problem with him saying that he thinks another women are attractive as well. He says it is only the same as saying what a nice personality someone has!
We have had lots of problems with it and were about to split up last month. Fundamentally we really love each other and when I try not to think about stuff like this we actually have a very close loving relationship. I realise I need to try and get a hold on this for our family's sake but I just can't cope with the thought of him looking at other women.
eightball61
05-09-2005, 06:33 PM
Does he make comments when he looks at other women in these magazines or do you just assume?
SALly
05-09-2005, 06:35 PM
It just isn't possible for him to not see other women...just as you see other men.
honeybun
05-09-2005, 06:42 PM
[QUOTE=eightball61]Does he make comments when he looks at other women in these magazines or do you just assume?[/QUOT
He doesn't read magazines like that I am just paranoid even if he sees the front cover!
He doesn't comment at all to me because I think he knows he can't I just wonder what he thinks when he is on his own.
honeybun
05-09-2005, 06:43 PM
It just isn't possible for him to not see other women...just as you see other men.
But sally he doesn't have to look does he?
inquisitive
05-09-2005, 06:52 PM
I wonder what you're afraid of? I ask because it's not just women he knows that upset you, but people on T.V. too. What do you think is going to happen if he "sees a pretty woman on tv"? Why do you need to stop him from even seeing? You see other men right?
eightball61
05-09-2005, 07:10 PM
He doesn't comment at all to me because I think he knows he can't I just wonder what he thinks when he is on his own.
This is your problem....You are thinking more about the bad rather than the good. You mentioned that you have seeked counseling and to me that would be the best thing but it didn't help you....maybe you need to see different one. :confused: Its going to be really hard for us to help you with this.
Everything that goes on is all in your head. You have a good man that treats you right......The only way for you to make the chance is to fight the feeling. With insecurity there is no real way or routine to get rid of it. The only thing you can do is keepp your mind busy and fight it off.
I am an insecure person myself and it almost ruined my current relationship. I still have my insecurities but I just suck it up and live with it or "I" lose out....You need to do the same.
Your basically afaid of losing him & thats why you are this way.....am i correct???
Somewhere along the line HoneyBun has picked up the feelings that she's no good and doesn't measure up.
How was your childhood? Did you get picked on alot? Were you put down by your parents? Did you also trust something as a child and were let down? Did your dad leave your mom?
For some reason you have severe trust and insecurity issues and it stems from your youth somehow.
What kind of counseling are you in?
SALly
05-09-2005, 07:20 PM
But sally he doesn't have to look does he?
No he doesn't "have to"--- you could blindfold him and lock him in a closet so he sees no one but you for the rest of his life.
I'm just kidding--- honeybun-- dont' really do that, I dont' want to be an accomplice to a crime....
I just mean, in everyday life people see and talk to other people---you can't deny him of that just cuz you are so insecure.
The issue is that honeybun COULD lock her husband in a closet with a blindfold on and she would still think that he's THINKING of another women.
So that wouldn't work.
She's creating issues that aren't there becasue of other internal conflicts within her.
honeybun
05-09-2005, 09:17 PM
Thanks for all your replies. On the surface I don't remember having problems with my family when I was young. I was in showbusiness for quite a lot of my teenage years and that didn't help my insecurities but other than that I have always been loved.
You are right I do tend to look for problems, I was very hurt by someone I was engaged to when I was 18 and it was in that relationship that things started to go wrong for me. However it has since carried on into my marriage and I do find it incredibly frustrating that I can't get this stuff out of my head but to me it is very real. My husband is a people person and is very interested in both men and women as people. He employs lots of people and they all love him because he cares. However it is this interest in people that always make me think that he is looking at women. he says that he looks at people whether they are short, tall old, young, ugly etc, but I only notice it when he looks at the attractive ones!
As for my parents they split last year after 36 years of marriage, my dad had an affair but don't think this is any reason for my insecurities,I have had problems way before all that happened, and have constantly been having a go at my husband about other women before we had our children.
I really wish I could blindfold him, in fact he has always said shall he put blinkers on when he goes out!!
Howard
05-09-2005, 09:17 PM
I don't understand why looking in magazines at other women is condsidered cheating.I think it's quite normal. :confused:
2BDMD
05-09-2005, 09:48 PM
Honeybunny:
The problem is simple, it is you. You need more psychological help. Your insecurities and being unreasonable WILL kill the love your husband has for you and your lovely family. Your husband has patience now, but no man can handle a jealous and insecure wife for a long period of time.
50% of human population on this planet is opposite . Beautiful women are everywhere now especially shows like Nip/Tuck, Extreme Makeover, and the Swan. Have you been cheated on before? Has your current husband cheated on you before? If the answers are no to both questions, then you have no legitimate reason to get all paranoid!
What is wrong with you girl? Get a grip! Go seek help! If one psychologist don't help, then go to two, if two don't help, then go to three! You know the problem here and only you can solve your own problem. You need to wake up and notice what a beautiful thing you have going! Your husband and your children is with you, do you want all that to diminish? STOP BEING SO paranoid! It's ok to look!
People say face your fears! I suggest you take your husband to a strip club immediately and buy him lap dances for 5 hours! Be happy with what you have and deserve and contribute to it, not break it. Snap out of it!
eightball61
05-09-2005, 09:49 PM
I really wish I could blindfold him, in fact he has always said shall he put blinkers on when he goes out!!
It be nice to blind fold him but you can't..... The way you thoughts arranged you may even come up with something else like he may be having mental images of other girls. The only thing you can do is just try to get a hold of yourself and suck it up or else you may end up losing him this way....He seems like a good caring guy but eventually he may just get sick of it. Its better off you do something now before its to late....
Howard
05-09-2005, 10:36 PM
Do you feel insecure when you walk the streets with him? :confused:
honeybun
05-10-2005, 07:21 AM
Do you feel insecure when you walk the streets with him? :confused:
Not until we walk past a girl that I think is prettier than me, then I panic and look at him to see if he looked at her.
honeybun
05-10-2005, 07:36 AM
Honeybunny:
The problem is simple, it is you. You need more psychological help. Your insecurities and being unreasonable WILL kill the love your husband has for you and your lovely family. Your husband has patience now, but no man can handle a jealous and insecure wife for a long period of time.
50% of human population on this planet is opposite . Beautiful women are everywhere now especially shows like Nip/Tuck, Extreme Makeover, and the Swan. Have you been cheated on before? Has your current husband cheated on you before? If the answers are no to both questions, then you have no legitimate reason to get all paranoid!
What is wrong with you girl? Get a grip! Go seek help! If one psychologist don't help, then go to two, if two don't help, then go to three! You know the problem here and only you can solve your own problem. You need to wake up and notice what a beautiful thing you have going! Your husband and your children is with you, do you want all that to diminish? STOP BEING SO paranoid! It's ok to look!
People say face your fears! I suggest you take your husband to a strip club immediately and buy him lap dances for 5 hours! Be happy with what you have and deserve and contribute to it, not break it. Snap out of it!
I did have a really bad relationship which ended in the guy cheating on me. There was also lots of other stuff that happened as well, but all in all it killed the confident, realistic parts of me. He was a compulsive gambler and I couldn't trust anything he said. I ended up being anorexic and bulimic at times. I also found out that he was looking at and that really destroyed my confidence as I was only 19 and had always been told by him that I was gorgeous and wonderful etc, so I couldn't work out why he was looking at stuff like that. Therefore I now now have a real phobia about and if my husband suggested that we watch a movie( which I know he probably wouldn't dare) I would be devastated.
I love my husband, he does eveything for me and I do realise that he loves me very much, but I always feel that if he loves me that much why would he care if anyone else was pretty etc
eightball61
05-10-2005, 11:37 AM
but I always feel that if he loves me that much why would he care if anyone else was pretty etc
Now, is this another one of your feelings or is this something that he just came right out and said?
inquisitive
05-10-2005, 01:43 PM
Not until we walk past a girl that I think is prettier than me, then I panic and look at him to see if he looked at her.
So, what would happen if he did look at her (not gawk, just look)? What would change? He's still with you right!
SALly
05-10-2005, 01:49 PM
I'm sure you see other guys throughout your day and you don't think of cheating or that your husband isn't as great because you saw someone else.....so he isn't thinking those things either. And even if he is...who cares, you are still the one he comes home to everyday. Do you work? Or get out and about much?
Honey Bun-
When it comes to relationships, unfortunately hurt is a part of the game sometimes. You can't live your life in fear of it though. You just hope that you're smart enough to make the right choices as you go along. All relationships are learning experiences to help you smartly make that final decision (marriage).
You need to take a different approach and totally trust your husband. You need to truly feel in your heart that you deserve to be loved and that you have a guy that worships you.
Sometimes you need to take the approach that you're the best thing since sliced bread and that if he ever did cheat on you or want to leave, that he would be leaving a terrific person, who is good looking and can love deeply. That it would be HIS loss.
It's sounds kind of conceited to think that way and you do actually need to bring something to the table to back up those feelings, but that's what it takes on some level. You can't be an ugly duckling who is a and think that you're the greatest thing around. But if you're decent looking, are low maintenance and are just a nice person in general, then you have the right to feel that way.
Relationships, self esteem and confidence are all mindsets. It's how you look at yourself and how you view life.
Right now you're living in fear and you should be living in love. You have choice to either think positively or negatively. Which do you think is a better way to go through life? Continued negativity is not a good thing and leads to so many other bad things.
Just accept that if bad things are going to happen, then they're going to happen and that there's really nothing you can do to stop it. Shit just happens sometimes. I'd much rather go through life happy and in love and deal with things when they occur as opposed to going through life unhappy and not in love and THEN dealing with things when they occur on top of that. Why always live in a valley. Enjoy your peaks.
You need to let go and trust in your hubby. Enjoy your life together and know that he loves you. It sounds like you have a nice life together. Be grateful for it but don't live in fear of it. You have what a lot of people are striving for. Don't ruin it and cause problems that aren't there.
Once again, happiness isn't a destination, it's how you travel.
Life is all a mindset and how you view things. You need to force yourself to look at the positives instead of the imaginary negatives.
And quite honestly there isn't some magical pill that you're going to be prescribed that will do this for you. You're just going to have to force yourself to DO IT.
This is where will power comes in. You can either succumb to your fears and accept defeat or you can say that this is NOT how you want to live and that you're just going to start living differently. And then JUST DO IT.
Choose love, not fear.
honeybun
05-10-2005, 03:18 PM
I would just like to say thank you to all of you guys for saying some very helpful stuff. You are right, I do have what a lot of people are looking for in life and so what if he glances twice at a pretty girl, he tells me how beautiful I am enough for it not to be a problem.
I emailed him today to tell him that I loved him, and I had a lovely email back saying that he loved me so much that it made him hurt sometimes and that I make him the happiest guy in the world( I think his memory is a bit rubbish!!)
Anyway thanks it has helped.
eightball61
05-10-2005, 03:24 PM
I emailed him today to tell him that I loved him, and I had a lovely email back saying that he loved me so much that it made him hurt sometimes and that I make him the happiest guy in the world
.
Thats great and keep up the positive things. This along with sucking things up will help you get through what your mind is going through. It may not be a total cure but the goal is to fight the thoughts and overcome that so you can live in love rather than fear.
You see. STOP THAT!!!!!! :-)
He says that you make him the happiest guy in the world and you make a comment that you think his memory is a bit rubbish.
Why do that? Why belittle his comment? YOU ARE WORTHY OF THAT LOVE!!!!!
Even if you are joking. Don't do that. Make positive comments, not negative ones.
Take that as such an awesome compliment and let it make you feel lucky and all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Let it put a smile on your face today and make you feel good.
Don't dismiss the love that he has for you. Cherish it. Feel special because of it. Be thankful for it.
Keep turning your outlook around. You'll get there if you really WANT to.
Good luck and enjoy the greatest gift that God has granted us. LOVE!
Howard
05-10-2005, 09:00 PM
Not until we walk past a girl that I think is prettier than me, then I panic and look at him to see if he looked at her.
If I was him,I wouldn't stare at any other girls,I would love you just the way you are no matter what color,shape,size OR religion you are.He's gonna be the only one having with you and not anybody else on the streets.So,don't worry about it HB. ;)
bdtraders
05-10-2005, 09:42 PM
If I was him,I wouldn't stare at any other girls,I would love you just the way you are no matter what color,shape,size OR religion you are.He's gonna be the only one having with you and not anybody else on the streets.So,don't worry about it HB. ;)
hes not staring hes just looking, like any human does when they walk down the street. Hes doing nothing wrong.
Like Rich said stop that negative stuff, i am guilty of that to, and it dosent help so stop doing it.
Now go get out the y lingerie, slide it down onto your y body your hubby loves so much and seduce the F*** out of him, and it will make him not only happy but will even boost your confidence. Do it all, dance around the room, pole dance, do it all for him. YOU are just as good as anyone else in his eyes, now look at your self through your mans eyes and see the awesome beauty that is you.
Howard
05-11-2005, 09:24 PM
hes not staring hes just looking, like any human does when they walk down the street. Hes doing nothing wrong.
Like Rich said stop that negative stuff, i am guilty of that to, and it dosent help so stop doing it.
Now go get out the y lingerie, slide it down onto your y body your hubby loves so much and seduce the F*** out of him, and it will make him not only happy but will even boost your confidence. Do it all, dance around the room, pole dance, do it all for him. YOU are just as good as anyone else in his eyes, now look at your self through your mans eyes and see the awesome beauty that is you.
y lingerie? :eek: WOW! Let me on this. :D
Howard
05-11-2005, 09:27 PM
I look at y women every day walking down the street and you know I don't even give a shit for any other women except her.I'm going to be the only one who's gonna have with her and her ONLY and to be faithful all the time.I have respect for her and her body,the way she looks and the way she acts. :)
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