Issues causing gf to not want marriage

[LoneWolf101]

Hello,
I have been with my gf for about 1.5 years and up until about 6 months ago whe really wanted to marry me. However, 6 months ago I two matters came up with had a devastating impact on her and caused to to formulate the belief that she will never marry me. Here are the two things: 1) After my gf and I had been dating for about a week or two, a prior gf and her sister came to the foreign country where I am living to sightsee and I had told them that they could stay with me. I lived in a studio so the three of us sleptin one room together for a few days. At the time I told my gf that two friends from the US were visiting and staying at my pad. 2) After my gif and I had been together for about 6 months, a previous gf got raped near my place and called me up, I let her coome over an stay the night and generally comforted her. Basically, I did not tell my gf about this incident or that the friends visiting me consisted of one former gf until about a month or so after the rape.

Anyway, my gf was devastated and could not handle it so for the last 8 months has been contemplating these issues. And for the last 8 months she has decided that she could not marry me ever because she felt that we had no trust and that I would leave her for another gf if we got married. Anyway, about a couple of months ago, I found out about this problem of hers and

[luvme4ever]

I am not surprise that your girlfriend feel that way. Well lets take it this way, she really loves you that way she's upset and jealous. But it's also your fault too because you should have call your girlfriend before you letting another chick spend the night with you. Damn if my bf do that to me, I would be so pissed off. Either he tells me before or after, I will still be upset, but I rather he tell me before the incident happen. In this case, I would just sit her down and tell her that you're sorry and that, it will never never happen again, and if such similar incident occur again, she'll be the first you call and talk to to get opinion from. Good Luck.

[LoneWolf101]

Thanks for your comments, I think you are right. It is too bad that I took too long to tell her but over all I do not see the events as being of a magnitude that they would end a relationship. I think your advice is right on and will try it but I still do not see how this got so big. Anyway, she is getting ready to move out after we discussed a point that there is no sense to live with someone if you firmly believe that you will never marry them, unless you guys are down to just play around together and not progress a serious relationship, which neither of us is. Anyway, this conversation seems to have been a bad move and just made things worse. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe she needs to see a shrink about over reacting to these issues. In the end, I was trying to help two people out and did not engage in any improper relations with either of them. Damn...

[eightball61]

What you were are doing is just being a nice guy. The problem with that is your being to nice. You are being so nice that its controls your thinking before you do an action. What you did is not wrong entirely but how you handled it was wrong.

When you are in a relationship your thoughts have to be shared with your partner. You can't just go out thinking about yourself. If she kept things from you I bet you'd be mad also. You need to learn how to have the bond of team work and partnership in this relationship or any.

There is nothing you can do to change what happened. If you both are still serious about continueing the relationship then you have to work on being more open with her. She will also need time for some trust to be gained back into the relationship. You'll just have to be understanding and patient until she is ready.

[Rich]

Why do you feel that you want to marry this girl if you can't be honest with her or trust your relationship to handle what transpired?

Do you think that your marriage would have lasted with no honesty or trust? Did you think that you would have just turned the honesty and trust on after you were married?

I'd be pissed and untrusting of you as well if I were her.

Obviously you two aren't ready for marriage because you have no concept of everything that it entails.

Keep dating her and try to repair things if you can. But first and foremost I'd learn how to trust your relationship and to be honest with your partner. If you can't do that, then don't marry them.

[Diablo]

If she's been with you all that time and is going to think the worst when life's incidents come up, a marriage to her wouldn't last anyway. It was perfectly understandable to offer your friends a place a crash and to comfort your friend who had been raped, though you should have told her when these things happened. Well, with the first thing, you had only dated her a week and it wasn't any of her business at the time. Anyway, there's no trust here, so you probably should just let her go.

[inquisitive]

The only thing I see that you did wrong was not telling her right away. There's nothing wrong with helping out friends. Now she has reason not to trust you. Although you should also be able to earn her trust back rather easily. Did you ask her what she wanted to be able to trust you again?

[LoneWolf101]

Thanks for all of the comments. I understand the points which people have made about trust and honesty. In my relationship, the communication is very good, with the exception of the above two matters. The first was when we just started dating and while I told her about the people staying at my place, I did not say that one of them was an ex-gf. The 2nd event, I let the girl come over and unfortunately did not think about my gf's feelings at the time and afterwards just did not bring it up which was a mistake but I do not see it as compromising trust. From some people, there seems to be a strong attitude of just trash the current relationship but I do not agree with this. In addition, my gf's friends have stated that this was a very bad move on my part and that my gf should break up with me. My gf and her friends are Japanese and cultural differences are playing at least a minor factor. Anyway, we still have the problem, she says that she wants to be with me but thinking about marriage just makes her feel very bad.

[eightball61]

Anyway, we still have the problem, she says that she wants to be with me but thinking about marriage just makes her feel very bad.


Your have to accept that she's gonna to want to tred water in the relationship for a while. She is putting things on hold because of the lies. You may consider them minor but to her the lies were big enough to hold things back in the relationship for progressing further.

Since thinking about marriage is making her feel bad you don't want to bring up the issue or push her on it. Allow her to think things through completely. She will come back to you when she is ready. If you beg/push her about marriage then it may only push her away rather than closer.

All you can to is give her time and space to think things through.

[Rich]

In this case it all comes down to trust. You didn't trust her enough to respond positively or maturely to what you should have told her, so you didn't tell her and right now she doesn't trust you to ever be honest with her.

Basically it all comes down to you two owning up to the situation that has come about in regards to this trust issue, make promises that it will never happen again and move to make your relationship stronger.

If this feeling of wanting to repair and make stronger doesn't exist for both parties, then it's best to just break it off.

Lessoned learned