Lying Boyfriend

[GreenEyedLeo197]

Ok, this is the first time I've ever done something like this, but here it goes! I am with a man that I love deeply, and I know he loves me. But, he keeps lying to me about his finances. I was going through the mail one day and I accidentally opened his bank statement thinking that it was mine, and I seen 4 NSF fee's (non sufficent funds). I confronted him on it, and he said that he never keeps track of his money with a check book, only by the Mac machine. I told him that I would help show him how to do it properly, and he said that he would start keeping better track of it himself. Well, since he was really sneaky with anything he got from the bank, I went through his closet and found another statement with NSF fee's and didn't say anything. I asked him out of conversation if he was having problems, would he tell me? And he said yes, but there is none. Well, there was 2 more letters from the back stating that he was getting hit with 2 more NSF fee's. The only reason I know this is because I snooped once again. I asked him when he was opening the one letter if everything was ok, and he said ya that it was just something about his company changing ownership and that they were just adjusting his child support. We'll while he was at work I found the letter and it was another NSF fee, nothing about his job or child support! What do I do! He doesn't make that much money at the job he is at, and these NSF fees are $35 a piece! Do I confront him on it, and tell him I've been snooping around because of him lying to me about it, or just let it go. I hate to be lied to and once I am lied to, it is hard for me to trust him on anything. What do I do? How do I know he isn't lying to me about more than this? Please give me some advice. I can't tell him to leave because we just signed a 1yr lease at an apt. and I can't afford it alone. What should I do?

I know I was wrong for going through his stuff, but I hate being lied to. I know that were not married, and I really have no right, but it seems like every time we need something from the store, or want to go out, it is always falling back on me.

[GreenEyedLeo197]

I did say that this was the first time I have ever done this, but it is the second...lol. I posted this same thing on a computer website, not knowing that it was only for computer questions...lol. Thought you all should know that...Thanks for all your help!

[Ricksta]

Obviously, there is no trust in your relationship and we all know that trust is one of the most important aspects in order to have a solid foundation. It was wrong for you to snoop on his private papers, but yet it is also wrong for him to deceive you about his financial issues because no matter the significance of the subject, deceit is always going to be wrong.

What you need to do is get real in relationship. It is time to get serious and having an honest conversation with him is the only is logical solution here. I understand that you are afraid of the potential consequences when it comes to confrontation, but unless you sit down and talk everything out with him, nothing will ever change for the better.

It is up to you, but remember that without honesty, the relationship is basically meaningless and stale and you cannot have a healthy relationship based on deceit and fear. You have nothing to lose in talking about it.

[GreenEyedLeo197]

When I do talk to him about it, we end up in a fight, because he thinks I am trying to control him. He says that it is his checking account, and his money and none of my business and to stop being so nebby about it! That is why I am so frustrated. All I want to do is help, and all he thinks is that I want control of his money, and that is so not the case. I told him, if he would watch his money he would be really surprised at how much more he has! But, he won't do it.

The thing is, when the bills need paid, he gives me the money that is needed and I pay them. If the bills were left for him to pay, we would be out on the streets. But then if a week goes by and we need stuff from the store, he is broke, and there I am pulling out my money to cover it. It just drives me crazy. Do I sound like a money hungry woman? I just want him to be a man...is that too much to ask for?http://relationshipforums.com/forums/images/icons/icon5.gif

By the way, thanks for the help!!!! http://relationshipforums.com/forums/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ricksta]

Of course you don't sound like a money hungry woman. In fact, you come across caring and considerate. He is just having a difficult time understanding that you are concerned with his financial situation.

But the real problem behind this situation has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with pride instead and you both need to let that pride go before you can improve the relationship. He needs to let go of his pride in thinking he can handle everything without assistance and you need to let go of your pride in thinking that you know what is best for him, although I already know for a fact that you are right. ;)

And from there you both need to find a compromise, which is something you have to figure out on your own because every relationship and situation is different and in the end only you know what is best.

[GreenEyedLeo197]

Thank you for the advice. I will try that! Just hope he will...lol. By the way, what do you do for a living? You should get into some sort of counceling thing for couples...you are very good at it! I've read other replies that you have sent to other people with relationship issues, and you definetly know what you are talking about!!!
Thanks again!!! http://relationshipforums.com/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Ricksta]

The pleasure is mine. I appreciate your compliments, but to tell you the truth I am still going to school and I have never even been in a relationship before. I am physically disabled you see and it gave me time to think about the important meanings in life and of course I am talking about love, which is the reason why I am taking time to provide for others with the knowledge I have gained throughout the years. If you are interested, you can visit my personal website (the link is below).