It's over and I'm struggling...

[shelby644644]

So, on Saturday night I confronted my partner of three years about a cyber affair I knew he was having. She lives in another country and I know nothing physical could have become of it but they had sent each other things, photos etc... he was having intimate conversations with her.

I could have forgiven that though. But our conversation went from one about that 'affair' to a much deeper one about our relationship and he admitted that he can't deal with my kids. I have two. A boy of 8 and a girl of 15. He told me it was over.

What is hurting the most is that it's taken him three years to come to this conclusion. He says he loves me more than anyone else in the world and that I'm his soul mate but that it just isn't part of his life-plan to bring up another man's child. He never really had to do that as their dad is still around and a very good friend to me and father to them.

My partner and I had a weekend relationship as he lived in another town but, even in the last few weeks, we've talked of the future, of living together in a couple of years, even of marriage.
How can a man say all of these things, spend three years of his life with someone and not know, deep down, how he really felt?

I expect a lot of men would say that they wouldn't want to raise another man's child and that's perfectly acceptable - but why get involved with someone with kids then?

He only saw them every other weekend - sometimes not even that often. I'm in the fortunate position of having plenty of time to myself and he and I would have the most lovely weekends alone together at his house. Just snuggling up, sitting in wine bars and enjoying each other. I never asked anything parental of him. Just that he accept them. He got on very well with their dad and we would often spend Sunday lunches together and we all had a lovely Christmas together.

My son is really upset - keeps asking me if he'll ever see him again. It breaks my heart.

We've had an email conversation since and he continues to say that he will never love anyone as he loves me. We have shared so much together and I thought we were for life. That is what he made me believe. He once said that people would die for what we had...

First reactions from you guys may be that he was spinning me a line but I know that's not the case. I know he is as mortified about this as me - but it turns out he ONLY wanted me and not the whole package.

What I wonder is, how can this have taken so long to realise? How can he speak of such commitment to me and then end it? Surely commitment is staying the course - regardless. Surely, love is unconditional - it certainly was for me.

I know it's only been a few days and I wouldn't expect to feel good about this yet but I've woken up every morning in tears, and that time in between getting into bed and falling asleep is horrific. When your mind whurrs with everything... I just end up crying myself to sleep. I can't concentrate on anything, I feel consumed. I cried making my son's school lunch this morning...

Do I need to say goodbye to him - completely? Will that help? His emails give slight hope - he indicates that sometime in the future he may be able to deal with it. Does leaving me with his possible doubts make it harder to get over?

It's almost as if he doesn't want to say the final goodbye... maybe I should?

[eightball61]

I am willing to bet he said this mean stuff to make himself feel better after you caught him in this long lie. If he really never could stand your kids then he would have been out a long time ago(unless he was sucking money off from you). He will also continue the "i love you's" thinking it will make things better for you when in reality it will do more confusion than anything else.

This guy to me is just a plain asshole. You are hurting more because if the mixed messages he is sending you. You need to stop all forms of communication with him and build a way to get over him. Its not going to be easy letting go 3 years but needs to be done. If you continue to talk to him its only going to take that much longer for you to get over him.

How much more proff you need about him being an asshole? I mean, he has had an intenert affair, lied to you, disrespected you and your children, and sending you mixed feelings. This guy is no good and you need to get away.

[Rich]

He used you!

He knew going in about your kids and his feelings about them. You don't date a woman with kids if you don't want the possibility of getting in deep and having to deal with them. As an adult, even if you don't care about hurting the womans feelings, you don't hurt kids. YOU JUST DON'T!

Maybe he just thought that he would be with you because he liked you and the was good and not really think of the kids.

That he would keep you around and still "look" for another woman that he could marry, that didn't have kids.

In my eyes this guy used you.

Why you never raised the issue about your kids with this man earlier on sort of boggles my mind.

In the future you need to be aware that it's not just you dating a man, but it's your kids as well. That it's not only you developing feelings for the guy, but that it's your kids as well.

You need to ask VERY early on (maybe even first date) what that guy feels about you having children and if it ever did go that far, how they would feel about being a step dad.

This is typically not first date conversation but you're not in a typical dating situation. You need to do that.

In my eyes, this guy that you were dating is very immature and selfish. He used you knowing all along. You should be pissed at that. Let that anger help you get over him.

Yes, yes, yes, in a perfect world if you had met 20 years ago when you didn't have children, then you could have possibly had a great relationship. But that's not what you were presenting to this man and he knew that. What he did was wrong.

And know this. When you love children, you just love children. Yes there is always going to be a special bond with your own blood children. But if you are an adult who loves children, then you take it as an honor to help raise someone elses children and to guide them and help them grow. All children want and need is love and guidance. He could have provided that if his mind was straight about what being an adult and a parent is all about.

If he loved you, then he would love your children because they are a part of you. They are your happiness, so they should be his happiness because he loved you. Obviously his head isn't on straight and believe it or not you're better off without him.

IMO, don't waste your tears on this immature man. And I use the word "man" there loosely. He's not really a man.

And BTW....even if you didn't have kids, I'm not sure your relationship with this guy would have worked out over the long term because his selfishness and immaturity would have surfaced in other ways that would have been detrimental to your relationship. And if you did have kids with that man, he probably would not have been much of a parent to them or helped you all that much. You don't just turn on love for children.

[shelby644644]

We DID discuss the kids throughout our relationship. I knew he found it difficult sometimes but not so much that it would create the end of our relationship.

He was never expected to be a step-parent. My kids have their parents, maybe not together, but intact.

He said we could get over anything together. Including the kids. I did bring up the subject and question his commitment time and again. I gave him the opportunity, time and again, to 'come clean'. He says that he thought he could work through it. That he thought he could learn to cope with them. He said he 'tried' for three years. He obviously couldn't do it.

It's just incredibly unfortunate that it took him three years to realise that. My kids became attached to him. he never gave them any reason not to. He was good to them. This also grieves me because I'm quite sure he could have got over this issue if he faced up to his fears.

He had a difficult childhood. He was the 'other man's child' throughout his childhood. He had a step-dad and a few 'mum's boyfriends'. He can't cope with playing that role in a child's life now. I just wish he'd evaluated that feeling a lot earlier and not got involved. I'm sure he won't ever do it again!

He is hurting too and I don't believe he used me. He was just torn between loving me and struggling to accept my kids. But yes, had he been more mature, stronger, he would have dealt with that years ago and not put me, and my kids, through so much pain.

I have, since my first post this morning, sent him a goodbye letter. I've asked him not to contact me again. I now need to be the strongest I can be and move on.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do...

[eightball61]

He is hurting too and I don't believe he used me.


How is that so? He did lie to you and have an affair? I really can't see why he is hurting when he is the one that said it was over. If he really was hurt about the whole thing then he wouldn't have ended it right on the spot or at least he would have came back by now.

I think his words are a joke and you need to stop contact with him. You not getting anything out of it so why chat to him?

[SALly]

He says he loves me more than anyone else in the world and that I'm his soul mate but that it just isn't part of his life-plan to bring up another man's child.

Anyone who says this- is just not worthy. There is no way he can love you, your kids are a part of you. He isn't worthy of your love and your time. Find someone who is...

[shelby644644]

I hope I will one day. Today, right now, I can't imagine the hurt stopping. And I can't imagine ever trusting enough to give my heart like that again. I gave it to him completely. He's crushed me.

I can already hear you guys saying he wasn't worth it / get over it / get angry etc... Easier said than done.

I've just lost my best friend, my partner, my soul mate. It feels like a death.

Had our relationship, the one between me and him alone, gone down hill this would be so much easier to deal with but this has gone from brilliance to nothing in the space of a few days.

I need to get angry. I don't know how. I love him.

[Rich]

Understood what you're saying about his childhood and that he should not have strung you along. It's a tough deal all around.

Still doesn't speak to why he carried on an internet affair. That has nothing to do with the kids.

He also says that he loves you like no other but yet he still carried on that affair. That's not love.

IMO it's best to just cut ties like you have done. Why drag it out? If it isn't going to work, it isn't going to work.

Seems like this guy has some internal issues that he needs to have dealt with by a professional.

Good luck

[SALly]

I understand it won't be easy. Goodluck. He loves the you without kids, not the whole package.....that just won't do......If he truely loved you he would learn to love and accept the kids. it was an easy out for him. He wanted out and "the kids" was a good excuse. You love the him you think he is .... obviously he is not that person. It will be hard, but you will move on.

[eightball61]

I can already hear you guys saying he wasn't worth it / get over it / get angry etc... Easier said than done.

.

You are right....Its is easier said than done but you can make a start by stopping communication with him.

[inquisitive]

She already did. She sent him a letter saying goodbye, and not to contact her anymore.

Shelby to get mad, think about the internet affair. All this other crap he's telling you about your kids etc. doesn't explain why he had the internet affair. That affair had nothing to do with your kids and everything to do with him!! He's not worth your tears.

[Rich]

Maybe you feel like you JUST lost him, but his heart was gone the moment that he started that internet affair.

There had to have been other signs or things going on that you haven't mentioned.

You both make it sound like you had the greatest relationship on the face of the planet, except for the kid issue. Excuse me, but if you did, then there would have been NO reason for him to have that affair.

It doesn't add up. If someone is perfectly happy and satisfied, then there's no reason to look elsewhere.

Try to see your relationship for what it honestly was and maybe that will cushion your hurt somewhat.

Don't be crushed about this. With future relationships just make sure that all issues are CLEARLY addressed. Seems like with the kid issue this might have been a touchy subject that was talked about but not REALLY talked about. That maybe you didn't press as hard for an answer as you should have and that maybe you put a lot of hope into the situation changing.

Don't overlook or avoid issues that are critical to a relationship. Somewhat sticking ones head in the sand and hoping that things change isn't the way to handle things.

Not saying that you necessarily did that but I'm guessing that you never really put a stake in the ground on the kid issue and getting a solid answer.

Either way it's water under the bridge now.

Go through your pain and pity party until you're tired of it and feel that it's enough and it's time to stand back up and move on. Just know that as long as your kids see you like that, that they will feel down too.

What you're also going to run into is that the next guy will have a hard time with your kids. They won't want to trust him or get close to him. It might take a good while. They might also give him a hard time because they will want to protect you from getting hurt again.

Just watch for that.

[Diablo]

Shelby: don't let one asshole blind you to the fact that there are some good ones out there. They're just hard to find and usually taken past a certain age. If the guy did love you, then he has a screw loose somewhere. Chances are, he knew all along he would never marry you. Good luck and hang in there. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[shelby644644]

Thanks for all your words of strength and wisdom guys...

I know it's going to take time. I know I'm going to hurt for a while to come yet. I'm also beginning to realise some lessons learnt. and they are good lessons.

I realise that I can now love, openly and honestly and completely. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I loved my partner so completely and utterly that I know I can do it again. I'd never truly felt that before. Except with my kids.

It's actually a nice feeling to know that I am capable of that. Of giving my all.

This will always be his loss.

[SALly]

Well keep us posted. Chat with us and give us updates. Someone is always here if you need to vent or are having "one of those days"..... :)

[shelby644644]

Thanks. I will keep you posted on my progress.

And I hope, that when I can, I can give something back to you guys on this forum. I am, normally, a tower of strength and wisdom! :D

[eightball61]

And I hope, that when I can, I can give something back to you guys on this forum.


If you are taking orders then I'll take a Vodka Martini with a lemon twist instead of an olive.

Thanks :D


ps please do keep us posted

[SALly]

I like your comment- "this will always be his loss". As long as you know that, you will be ok. I've said it before on here "Living well is the best revenge".

[AlexCrystal]

I know your world (and your kids) is turned upside down right now. Your comfort zone of life for the past three years is now gone. I think you should focus on the affair...and when I say focus...I don't mean dwell on it and get "angry" about it so you can move on....I mean understand that that is the PROBLEM...not necessarily the bull crap he is telling you about the kids. I'm sure it is MUCH MORE THAN THAT in his head...but you'll never know. Who knows what his REAL issue is of why he isn't willing to commit to you. I do think that it isn't SOLEY the kids. A guy doesn't leave his "soul mate" because she has kids....not possible....total cop out. Look at him as NOT THE ONE for you because he cheated. Period. Bottom line.
Time heals all wounds. You will get over this...create your own happiness....afterall you are the only one that can do this....no one (a man) can create YOUR happiness.
Turn your energy right now to your kids and to yourself...focus on them and yourself right now....force yourself to not let this consume your head 24-7.
Best of luck...please keep us posted if something changes!!

[shelby644644]

Thanks for your words Alex (and everyone else).
I have spent the last couple of days concentrating on that 'affair'. You're all right - regardless of his issues with the kids, the affair was very, very wrong.

At the beginning of this week, the affair seemed irrelevant to me as I was believing that his issues were the kids and that the affair was a symptom of his issues but I'm know beginning to see that there was NO excuse for this.

Had he called me this week and said he'd made a mistake and wanted to try again I would have run to him, but, after many many conversations with friends, and in my own head, I now know I would never have him back. He has cheated on someone else in the past and he has now done it to me. He is just one of those people that always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I don't want to be with that person.

What I need to get over is the 'comfort' and 'habit' of our relationship. My life revolved around our plans, our weekends together, planning ahead, together. We spoke to each other twice a day when not together. If I had something to say, I said it to him. I almost don't know what to do with myself now. I'm going to concentrate on a new job I have and my kids, and my friends.

I am starting afresh. I will never go back there. I know that for sure. He wasn't, regardless of my deep love for him, the one... He was just a liar and cheat. Immature and selfish. I deserve better. I just hope he has learnt from this and doesn't break any more hearts...

[shelby644644]

Well, I'm finding time and a little anger are helping me through my turmoil.
Last night my 8 year old son sobbed for half an hour over not seeing my ex again. I comforted him but was also straight with him. I couldn't make any promises about seeing him seeing my ex again. That would give false hope.
It made me so angry - so angry that this man who swore he loved me, said I was his soulmate etc etc, could do this, not just to me but to my kids.
This 8 year old boy, who my ex couldn't 'deal' with, is heartbroken.
As much as it breaks my heart to see my son so upset, it is also helping me realise that I am so much better off out of this relationship. I can now concentrate on getting my son through this and giving him all the love I should have been giving him while I was giving far too much to my ex.

I have also found a huge amount of anger regarding his internet affair. What a shit he was. What a liar. He did not deserve me!

Just fancied a rant... thanks for listening!

[eightball61]

I have also found a huge amount of anger regarding his internet affair. What a shit he was. What a liar. He did not deserve me!




Its always sad to see a child cry but within time he will get over it and will be back to being an 8 year-old again..... ;)

You are doing great in staying strong and tending to your child needs. You need to continue this process and within time hopefully things will get better for you both. Spend some good time with him this weekend.....take him to a movie, site seeing, shopping spree for both, amut part, or whatever. Take sometime for you both to get out and enjoy the time together as family :)

[shelby644644]

For all those going through a break up - a feel good story...

It's astounding how quickly the heart can heal once you face up to the fact that there is no hope for a failed relationship and that what you thought was perfection was far from it.

I had a lovely night last night with an old male friend, chatting and laughing for hours and hours, which ended in our 'making out' - just kissing and cuddling and stuff but it made me feel attractive and desirable - something I wasn't feeling.

It's not going anywhere, not least because he's 24, studying for an MA and with his whole life ahead of him and I'm 36 year old single parent, but because I'm not ready for anything more. I know that, even though my heart is healing, I need to move on a lot further before getting into any relationships. He's well aware of the situation.

It was just a very lovely experience at a time when I needed it the most. I had fun! Yes, fun!

It made me realise that life goes on, that my ex wasn't the only man in the world, that I am still a desirable, ual being who will experience love again.

I was beginning to wonder...

He won't ever read this but I'd like to thank my make-out friend for making me feel alive again!

[eightball61]

I am proud to see your progress and I'd like to thank you for sharing your experience for future posters.;)

[shelby644644]

Don't get me wrong, Eightball, I'm still hurting and healing. I don't want to appear fickle by saying that the three year relationship I have just come out of doesn't matter anymore - far from it - but it's gone, done, over and life goes on.

I will miss that relationship for a long time to come and the healing process is different for everyone. I'm just pointing out that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all you guys out there that may feel otherwise.

I guess realising that my ex didn't deserve me and knowing I am better off out of the relationship speeds up the healing process - I wish he'd dumped me sooner!!! :D

[eightball61]

You are making progress though, which is great :D . He will be in your memories and I know you will not ever let that part go but you are allowing yourself to accept what happened and you are moving on....Keep up this positive approach and you'll be fine :) .