Trust Issues...help

[Nikki05]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Last summer we ran into some serious problems and weren't getting along great but were trying to work them out. To skip the small talk...during the few days I did not see him he had with some random chick at a co-workers home. I did not find out till 3 months later. We sat down and talked about it and he said that it was a big mistake that hes ever made and that he has learned from it even though he didn't think we were together at that time because everything was so rocky. It has been 8 months since I found out and we've had MANY talks about it and everytime he tells me I have nothing to worry about cause it will never happen again and begs for my trust. I really want to trust him because thats a big problem in our relationship but I don't know how. It is always on my mind and i'm ALWAYS worried that it is going to happen again. I do not think that he'd cheat on me again but theres always that thought of what if and it is runining our relationship. How can I learn how to trust again and start feeling better or is it too late and I should move on because chances are it will happen again?

[lakegoddess]

Well, Nikki... do you trust him? Do you personally think he'll do it again? I understand it may be hard to trust someone again once they've (semi-)cheated on you. You say you guys talked about it over many times but how do you feel at the end of each conversation? Does he make you feel better? More secure? Or do you continue to have doubts?

You're at a tough situation, I can't deny that. I wouldn't know if I'd be able to trust my boyfriend that easily again if he did that. But I guess the thing you should think about is, do you see a future with him? If you love him, then you should try to talk it out with him until you get enough confidence in him that he won't do it again and enough security that you feel safe.

[eightball61]

Hello Nikki & Welcome to the boards :)


May I ask how old are you both?

Many times when one cheats its very hard to get things back on track in the relationship. Things will always be different no matter how hard you try. You may be able to forgive him but you won't be able to forget which makes it hard to ever trust again....he's lucky though to get that second chance.

[Nikki05]

I'm 20, hes 22.

I do actually see myself with him in the furture. Strange enough we've been planning out our life, marriage and even kids names since i was 14 but wasn't able to be with eachother till 2 years ago due to distance. After every talk I feel alot better and more calm but till I am by myself and thinking about it I come up with what if situations...i'm my own worst enemy i guess. I know hes sorry for what he did and i know he doesn't plan on ever cheating on me...but i always seem to come up with situations where i become unsure of what he'd do...These thoughts are driving me insane.

[eightball61]

..These thoughts are driving me insane.

& these thoughts will continue. There is no way of controlling them because the pain he has caused will be forever scared in your memories. Like i said though you will be able to forgive him but forgetting it is something that will never be accomplished. If you plan to stay with him then you will need to push really hard to move past this and build for the future but it will be a really hard thing to do.

I wish I had better advice but I just don't...sorry.

[SALly]

Some people make mistakes, really bad mistakes, and then they learn from them. It sounds as though he learned from his mistake from what you have said. Goodluck.

[Rich]

BUT WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!

Your situation sounds like that Friend's episode where Ross hooks up with another chick after Rachel tells him that she wanted a break in their relationship.

Your BF getting together with that girl might have been because he felt that you two were no more or weren't going to be. Up to you to judge the validity of that excuse.

IMO though, you two are still way to young to be considering marriage. Go experience life some more. You say that you've been thinking about and planning your wedding, marriage and children's names since you were 14 years old.

I think that maybe you're setting yourself up for a let down. Life, relationships and marriage aren't fairy tales. There are no storybook relationships. You need to get out there and experience life. Go deal with many people and situations and develop your experience level.

As we have all seen on this forum when it comes to folks that are your age, and that is that around now is when most couples want a break so that they can experience different things. Check the other topics on this site and you'll see that.

People your age are starting to experience freedom like they never had before and with becoming adults, they can do things that they weren't allowed to do when they were younger. These feelings are very strong and typically win out over staying in a relationship. Now's the time of your life that you should go experience what you can. Don't worry about getting married because there's plenty of time for that.

Doing what you want to do right now will go more to helping your marriage last, once you get married, then if you got married right now. IMO if you got married within the next one to two years, that it probably wouldn't last.

[SALly]

I agree. I got married at 22 and think now that I should have waited until I was older. At that age you "think" you know what you want out of life, but you don't.

[vaiolust]

To me, i think with love, a true love as you have with him (right?) you can sense this type of thing.. to me i think its a feeling.. in your heart that will over-ride your thoughts of cheating and things like that.. i have been with my g/f for 2 years now, its a long distance relationship.. so trust issues are always relevant.. always there.. but when i think "is she fooling around" or "is she cheating" its my heart that tells me the truth, she has done things on the internet before.. fooled around.. and she might even still do it.. but in my heart i believe she dosent.. and to me i think that is what you need to have.. doubts are one thing.. but to have them to the point you honestly just dont know.. well thats something else to me.. i hope that things work out well for you both, also very cute that you both have a long past together :)

[AlexCrystal]

You have 2 choices. Break up....or get over it.
If you decide to get over it...then you really need to GET OVER IT. Don't keep asking him about it. Let it die....it is the past...you can not change it. Do not worry about what may or may not happen (as far as him cheating again). What is the worst thing that could possibly happen?? You find out he's cheated again, you break up and move on with your life for good. Now would that kill you??? NO! So make a true decision to let it go and believe what will be, will be. In other words don't worry about WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN..but focus on the moment you are together. You have no control over the future and can no longer do anything from the past. So many people live in the past and the future to the point they let the present pass them right by....missing "living"...because they think too much about what happened (past) and what might happen (future). If you don't want to break up...let it go...do not visit it ever again. Go on.
"Worry" about something when it's in your face..and is the present. Whatever you decide...good luck...but I think in your heart you still want to be with him...and that's okay...but you better move on, move past THE PAST or you will ruin any type of "true" relationship with him.