Having an affair, fell inlove and now in pain...please HELP!

[babycakes]

I am going through a divorce and having a 4mth afffair with a man 21 years older, engaged with his fiance of 5 years. Feelings got involved and we are not painfully inlove. We are past the infactuation stage and this is the real deal. He asked me to give him a break of 2 months so that he can see if his dead relationship is going sour because of our relationship or if there is really nothing here. We work in the medical feild and its really hard to give him time. He wants me to wait for him, but if I do that and then get hurt by him saying it worked out with my fiance, then waht about me.....Should I put my foot down and tell him to pick one of us or should I let him take the time to work out his relationship with his fiance......I am really hurting and I dont know what to do...any advise please help :(

[eightball61]

What will waiting for him accomplished?

If you wait for him then you are wasting your time. This is his nice way of pulling away gently from you. You need to just move on and play the single market. I am sure it was fun at the time but now the fun is over and its time for reality. You are getting a divorce and you need to pay attention to that and play the single market. There are millions of men out there that are single and I am sure you would be able to find a connection with one.

Right now your are trying to hold onto something that just not there. If he truelly wanted to be with you then he would have packed his bags by now. His mind is on his current relationship and he wants to work out what was lost in that first. If he can't then he will have you as a rebound when he does leave. Now, do you want to be his left over? Do you want to be considered a rebound to him? You could be his side-dish if you wanted to but if you had morals then you wouldn't wait around.

[Diablo]

He wants you to wait on him while he sees how it goes with his fiance? How do guys get away with shit like this? Tell him to go to hell.

[CalistaClap]

If this man is willing to cheat on his partner, why would you want him?

[SALly]

His fiance probably found out or thinks soemthing is going on so he has to be "good" for a couple months.

[inquisitive]

Why would you wait for someone to be in a "serious" relationship with you when he's cheating in his current relationship? What makes you think that if you wait and he finally "chooses" you he won't choose the next woman that comes along?

[eightball61]

One more thought:

Since he is cheating allready what makes you think he won't do the same to you if you both get into a serious relationship??? You don't know...so don't chance it.

[CalistaClap]

Honestly, people like that make me so angry.

OP, have enough respect for yourself to find a better man than this. He is keeping you on the side to see if his current relationship will get better. If it does, then I guess it's "bye bye" for you.

If it doesn't work out, then he'll still have his second choice waiting for him, you. Hmm....Am I the only one who thinks that this is a bit degrading?

Plus, would you want a man that would cheat on you? This guy has already proved that he is willing to have an affair. Are you really going to trust that he won't do the same to you? I couldn't if I were you.

There are good guys out there that you could find. Don't let this "man" walk all over you, just for a chance that he may decide to want to be with you.

It may be all good when you are the one he is having an affair with. But when the rolls change, and you then become the victom of a cheating partner, you're going to wish you acted otherwise.

[Rich]

You definately need to let his other relationship end on it's own merits and not because of you. If you do that then you'll have more peace of mind in the future by not wondering if he'll leave you for another woman.

If he leaves his fiance becasue of you, then you'll always have that doubt.

Plus why is he even considering marrying this other girl. Number one he's ing around on her anyway so that doesn't say much for the relationship and you mentioned that it's a five year engagement. An engagement that long means that they're, or he, isn't sure about marriage.

I'd be careful if I were you. Why go from one bad situation into another?

Do you even know what you REALLY want in life? How old are you? Any kids involved?

[SALly]

Are you going through your divorce becuase of meeting this guy?

[babycakes]

Well everyone has given me lots of advise. Its hard because we work together. My divorce is not because of him or the relationship, we were separated but finally getting the ball rolling. I do have 3 kids that I have not introduced to this man because I need it to be more serious than this to have them involved. I am in my late 20's and he is in his late 40's. We talked today and he just keeps telling me how he does not want to halt all communication with me because love is fragile and because he just wants to see if his relationship with his fiance was dead long before he and I got involved.....he needs the time to sort things out with his life before making a huge leap foward. They have 5 years of history and we have 5 mths and yet he has done the pros and cons and he prefers me.....he just needs to sort things out. I understand how I am being the underdog and second choice and I told him this. I guess the hardest part is that we have to work together and I have tried my best to ignore him and keep this at a professional level, but it still hurts.
THanks

[eightball61]

It does hurt but you ave to accept what you brought to the table. You got into this because of the fun and thrill. Now, that you both allowed feelings into it you are hurt. You new from the start that he was married but you both did it for fun. You gonna have to accept the fun you had and learn from it. He's going to go and sort things out and there is no telling what the outcome will be. Your focus needs to be on your divorce and children. This man should come last as far as I am concerned but thats my opinion.

[vaiolust]

Im going to be in the medical profession too *shakes your hand* and well to me, i have to agree with the others, waiting.. to me sounds more like stalling.. like if you saw a big storm coming.. well you would want it to stay back for as long as possible.. i think thats in a way what he is trying to do here.. i honestly do think you should put your foot down and get a true decision.. working together and seeing him without talking.. well that would kill me too! so honestly, i just think he needs to make the decision.. your no toy, you have emotions and feelings as well.. so to me, i think thats what needs to happen, there has to be a decision.. :o

[CalistaClap]

Babycakes, I can understand your situation to some degree. You explained how it is to us, in your own words. We as outsiders with no other connections are giving you our honest opinion about the situation. We are not trying to attack you, but just calling as we see it.

You may not see the situation as we do. You have emotions involved. As some say, you seem to be wearing the rosed colored glasses that we are not. I've been with a cheating partner, and see no use in this world for other cheating partners.

Don't make excuses for this man. Don't make excuses for yourself either. You work together, that doesn't mean that you have to let him walk all over you.

No matter how it is worded, the outcome is the same. He is a married/long term engaged man who is having an affair with you, correct? Then after a few months, he is second guessing things, and needing to "make sure" his first relationship was dead. Hmmm....he should have thought about that BEFORE he started involving someone else. Then he expects you, to be okay with the fact that he wants to you sit there and wait for him to see if he wants to be with her or you. *insert loud sarcastic laugh here*

So yes, I may be a bit bitter towards the cheating half of the male species, but it's with good reason. No matter how it is explained, there is not good explaination to what he is doing.

But then too, one must realize that why would he stop what he is doing? Right now, he has 2 women. One whom he shares a life with and is engaged to (why?), and one who is sitting there waiting for him, and is willing to be with him on the side. Why WOULDN"T he do what he is doing? It seems to be okay with all involved. The only way that he is going to change what he is doing, is if you stand up for yourself. You don't need to wait for any man. No matter if you work with him, not matter if he is a doctor, president or unemployed. You need to tell him you will not sit there and be his prize on the side. (If he prefered you like you mentioned he did, he wouldn't need to know if his relationship was dead, he would be sure it was). You don't need to worry about your job because of him. If you stand up for yourself, and it ends what's going on between you two, it's for the best.

You have children. This man is stringing 2 woman along. They don't need to experience that. They may not have met yet, but if this continue, won't they eventually?

Are you truthfully not concerned he's not going to have an affair when he's with you? After a few years of you being together, and the newness wears off, you don't think his eye will wonder again?

Sorry to be so blunt, but he definatly seems like a slimball.