tuxkatz6
09-06-2010, 06:06 PM
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years if you ignore a few things:
-5 months after we started dating I went abroad for school for almost 7 months
-4 months after I got back home from studying abroad, he broke up with me saying he was unsure about our future together and not wanting to hold me back (though during the 4 months we were broken up we still talked most days and acted like friends with benefits...other people said we still acted like a couple)
-I met some guys while we were broken up and shortly after we were "officially" back together (according to him) I slept with another guy ...he monitored my phone, email, and anything else he could months after that and has just gotten over being distraught and obsessive about it about a month ago
We have been back together and happy and really working things out building up trust ever since I cheated on him. The other day he stayed logged in to his email on my computer and I guess I felt a twinge of vengeance for being monitored so long and went through his inbox. I didn't expect to find anything and was floored to find emails dated from the end of when I was abroad to when we broke up of him flirting with girls he met online- sweet talk, pictures, and all. There were even some it looks like he attempted to meet up with.
I confronted him about it in person a couple of hours after I found out and he admitted it had happened blaming it on the same reasons I had given for cheating on him. It's been really hard...this discovery was only a day and a half ago and the night I confronted him he asked me to trust him that he had never acted on it and was sorry and log off of his account so I wouldn't dwell on it...of course I screwed up again and checked through only to see a long back and forth correspondence with a girl who he gave lines he had given me when we first met (ie- "I didn't expect to meet anyone online", "I've never met anyone I could get along with so well", "We have such amazing conversations and I've never had that with anyone", "I wish I could just hold you in my arms"...all those kind of lines). I had to get some comfort and on the phone last night asked him about it. I got yelled at for looking through his email again and sworn at that he couldn't trust me. I finally got him to calm down enough and he told me that the only reason he had done this was because he missed me and wanted to tell me these things.
I really do believe him and trust him and I want this to end and move on with a clean slate. It just hurts so much...especially because he made such a big deal of being honest with each other and building trust after my infidelity, yet he kept this from me. I feel betrayed and worthless. At the same time, I understand wanting to keep something secret and thinking secrets would stay secret and hurt the other person less. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be angry or upset without being told I'm too emotional and being angrily told to stop crying or stop dwelling on things. It felt good to actually have the upper hand for a few minutes, but that only lasted until he could bring up that we were rather even now. I hate that he got so angry at me for cheating when he fully intended to cheat on me before there was any communication of problems with our relationship. It also seems that he should have understood the feelings I had and that we're somewhat even and should be able to leave the past in the past.
I guess I just need some less biased feedback on if this seems to be a situation where the past can be in the past. I hope this can work out and it really seems he feels this same way. Am I being horribly naive? Can I trust him? Is it fair to worry about trusting him considering what I've done to him?
-5 months after we started dating I went abroad for school for almost 7 months
-4 months after I got back home from studying abroad, he broke up with me saying he was unsure about our future together and not wanting to hold me back (though during the 4 months we were broken up we still talked most days and acted like friends with benefits...other people said we still acted like a couple)
-I met some guys while we were broken up and shortly after we were "officially" back together (according to him) I slept with another guy ...he monitored my phone, email, and anything else he could months after that and has just gotten over being distraught and obsessive about it about a month ago
We have been back together and happy and really working things out building up trust ever since I cheated on him. The other day he stayed logged in to his email on my computer and I guess I felt a twinge of vengeance for being monitored so long and went through his inbox. I didn't expect to find anything and was floored to find emails dated from the end of when I was abroad to when we broke up of him flirting with girls he met online- sweet talk, pictures, and all. There were even some it looks like he attempted to meet up with.
I confronted him about it in person a couple of hours after I found out and he admitted it had happened blaming it on the same reasons I had given for cheating on him. It's been really hard...this discovery was only a day and a half ago and the night I confronted him he asked me to trust him that he had never acted on it and was sorry and log off of his account so I wouldn't dwell on it...of course I screwed up again and checked through only to see a long back and forth correspondence with a girl who he gave lines he had given me when we first met (ie- "I didn't expect to meet anyone online", "I've never met anyone I could get along with so well", "We have such amazing conversations and I've never had that with anyone", "I wish I could just hold you in my arms"...all those kind of lines). I had to get some comfort and on the phone last night asked him about it. I got yelled at for looking through his email again and sworn at that he couldn't trust me. I finally got him to calm down enough and he told me that the only reason he had done this was because he missed me and wanted to tell me these things.
I really do believe him and trust him and I want this to end and move on with a clean slate. It just hurts so much...especially because he made such a big deal of being honest with each other and building trust after my infidelity, yet he kept this from me. I feel betrayed and worthless. At the same time, I understand wanting to keep something secret and thinking secrets would stay secret and hurt the other person less. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be angry or upset without being told I'm too emotional and being angrily told to stop crying or stop dwelling on things. It felt good to actually have the upper hand for a few minutes, but that only lasted until he could bring up that we were rather even now. I hate that he got so angry at me for cheating when he fully intended to cheat on me before there was any communication of problems with our relationship. It also seems that he should have understood the feelings I had and that we're somewhat even and should be able to leave the past in the past.
I guess I just need some less biased feedback on if this seems to be a situation where the past can be in the past. I hope this can work out and it really seems he feels this same way. Am I being horribly naive? Can I trust him? Is it fair to worry about trusting him considering what I've done to him?