She just doesnt listen . . .

[MDeezy]

It might be just me but I love my girlfriend of almost 2 years (will be next month) and she just doenst listen to me and it seems like she doenst care. I will try to have wonderful conversations with her, and most times it falls flat like she cant hold it up or more like she listens to what I say and then once I'm done talking agree and then switch subjects. Other times I'll tell her about my day or something that I'm thinking about or is heavy on my mind, and she listens no real feedback but atleast she listened, later that day or week she'll ask a question that relates to something I told her about that day or previous day and it just proves to me that she didnt hear a word I said before otherwise she wouldnt have asked this specific question.

I'm the type of man that not only loves to show effection and be very romantic, and wild when ever needed, but just as much love to be able to sit down and have a conversation that streches into the early parts of the morning and its profound. I've brought this issue up to her, first the fact that she doesnt really listen to what I say, and then later to the fact that we cant hold a long substantial conversation. Understandably most of the day she is at work, but we've had many opportunities where we have plenty of time to have such a conversation and it just passes.

Do I need to just accept the fact that the woman I want to spend my life with, isnt really interested in good conversation? and just wants to talk about more a more relevant subject such as how her day was or how shes felling at the moment? or could this be a sign that maybe well I dont even want to say it. . .


thanks for you input.

[eightball61]

Your in a tough situation as you know. You don't want to give up communicating because that may just make things worse down the road. The only thing I see here that I would face is continue your conversations with her like you do now and accept that she is this way. If she finally brakes out and start talking more then that will be a bonus to the relationship.

Have you tried talking to her about how it makes you feel? if so what did she say? Has she always been this way? Have you tried suggesting way for her to talk more? Do you ask her about her day? what does she sa in response?

[MDeezy]

Your in a tough situation as you know. You don't want to give up communicating because that may just make things worse down the road. The only thing I see here that I would face is continue your conversations with her like you do now and accept that she is this way. If she finally brakes out and start talking more then that will be a bonus to the relationship.

Have you tried talking to her about how it makes you feel? if so what did she say? Has she always been this way? Have you tried suggesting way for her to talk more? Do you ask her about her day? what does she sa in response?

I've told her several times how it makes me feel, and she agress that we need to talk but thats it, I ask about her day and have tried various methods of trying to provoke a conversation but all feem to dail. Many times something is obviously bothering her and I ask whats wrong and present my always ready ear but she says nothing is wrong like i'm stupid and cant tell that something is bothering her.


*update*

Well it all came to a boil last night. We went out and the whole day I told her I wasnt happy and she just kinda brushed it off, and later in the evening when i repeated it she said "I'll make you happy dont worry" as flattering as that should have been, I knew she didnt know why I wasnt unhappy. Were in the club and I cant shake off how I feel,I'm not the type to be abke to fake and act like nothing is bothering me, especially something this serious.

So after a bit of time she finally asks whats wrong and says we need to talk (Like my face wasnt saying that all day long!) I talk to her about everything that has me upset our bad communication and he being so closed to me, after some yelling but mostly expressing my anger face to face and that she cant keep me closed out like this and the relationship is doomed to fail if we cant communicate better, she aggred and broke down and started to open up more, told me a few things that help me understand a little why she is being this way. It didnt feel like any other time I was telling her how I felt, she was quiet and listening and just agreeing with me with nothing to say. I ask for her input and how she felt and she said I have nothing to say, an regurgitated somethings I had said. It felt like it hit home with her that I am obvious un happy with how things are and that it wont last longer if it continues, I think she understands that and its just a matter of time to see wheater or not she really will open up more and be more talkative or if I've (god forbit) wasting my time.

I just dont understand why shes blocking me out, and were almost at the 2 year status? this is something that should have been overcome at the 5 month mark or maybe sooner.

time will tell, I just know I cant keep trying to fix this issue that shouldnt even be happening in the first place, if it persists . . . man

[eightball61]

You can't change her and you know that. The best thing you did was talk to her about it. The only change that can take place is her making the change. It's hard making a change when this is her personality so its going to take time and patience. The only thing you can do is accept her being this way or don't accept it.

[Diablo]

How much tv does she watch? A lot of people think of conversation as an exchange of superficial five second sound bites and think there's something wrong with people who go beyond that and it's because that's how people talk on tv.

[MDeezy]

You can't change her and you know that. The best thing you did was talk to her about it. The only change that can take place is her making the change. It's hard making a change when this is her personality so its going to take time and patience. The only thing you can do is accept her being this way or don't accept it.

I know I cant change her, but we werent always like this, we used to have conversations that would have weight to it, its just those days have faided away, but in addition to that being subtracted from the relationship, it seems when I try to have to conversation or make it as easy as just listen to what I have to say, she doesnt do that. I understand she is is stressed from many angles but due to the weak communication I didnt know to what depth she was stressed, so its not only just not being able to have a good conversation, its also not listening to what I have to say, and not expressing how she feels and what shes REALLY going thru in her mind and heart. It makes it hard to be there for her and be supportive when I dont really know whats going on.

How much tv does she watch? A lot of people think of conversation as an exchange of superficial five second sound bites and think there's something wrong with people who go beyond that and it's because that's how people talk on tv.

She watches a lot of TV when she is not at work, but I dont find that to be valid because I myself watch a lot of tv, but still thirst for a indepth conversation. But I see where your comming from, watching a lot of Real World, American Next Top Model, and reality TV basically could seem to be the culprit.

[eightball61]

It makes it hard to be there for her and be supportive when I dont really know whats going on.
.

& I wish I could help further but your guess is as good as mine until she speaks. There is no point is guessing when we don't know the root of the cause. You have tried and thats all you can do until she does decide to open up and thats if she does. As I stated in the last post all you can do is accept or not accept.

[MDeezy]

& I wish I could help further but your guess is as good as mine until she speaks. There is no point is guessing when we don't know the root of the cause. You have tried and thats all you can do until she does decide to open up and thats if she does. As I stated in the last post all you can do is accept or not accept.


yea. . . and I accept but it shouldnt be this way. It seems like the talk we had is hitting home more, we were out and she suddenly got sad and it hit her what I was saying and how hurt I was as a result of what was going on, so yea I just the waiting game and hope and pray that she genuiny will open her door to me and let this relationship breathe and continue to live on. Its just odd cause she was always open with me but lately started closing up as more stress piled on, understandably I didnt press issues and such to give her time to think about it or talk to me on her own accord, 4 months later I'm finally finding out how she was feeling at certain times, and I just feel that she should be able to talk to me about it and vent it out, as shes done in the past.

thanks for the help, its the waiting game and see how it progresses. You'll find out if there another post on here with me venting.

Thanks again.

[eightball61]

Some people are just used of talking openly and they like to solve issues themselves. The only thing I can suggest and accept it for now and don't press the situation to much. Try little tricks to get her more open and comfortable. If you don't do it allready you can try asking how her day went daily and work a convo. from there. Its a a process and if she doesn't change then this is who she is. Communication is important to a relationship but your not gonna want to spend the whole relationship fighting over something that she can't change.....Time is key here and we'll have to see what happens. Take care

[MDeezy]

Some people are just used of talking openly and they like to solve issues themselves. The only thing I can suggest and accept it for now and don't press the situation to much. Try little tricks to get her more open and comfortable. If you don't do it allready you can try asking how her day went daily and work a convo. from there. Its a a process and if she doesn't change then this is who she is. Communication is important to a relationship but your not gonna want to spend the whole relationship fighting over something that she can't change.....Time is key here and we'll have to see what happens. Take care

your right time is the key, and I'm willing to wait it out and see. The thing is how she is acting now isnt how she is, she normally would tell me whats going on and confide in me, but to hold it back and keep me closed off isnt who she is. Aslo starting small asking how her day is etc I do on a daily basis and not try to force a more indepth conversation before atleast finding out how she is doing. Your right i will give it time and hope for the best.

thanks again for all the help, its really helped with releaving the stress.

[eightball61]

its really helped with releaving the stress.


This is a great place to vent if needed so come here anytime ;) You have the right focus on how to approach the situation. Relationships are not meant to be easy once getting settled in. There will always be a challenge to a relationship and you both have to work together in order to find a way to deal with it as a team....Goodluck and keep us posted.

[vaiolust]

I can very much see your problem here.. but i have to ask, after almost 2 years (congrats as well, june 25'th will be my 2 years with my baby) in those 2 years have you never had a deep conversation? to me that is almost hard to believe.. but either way, i suggest talking about something she feels strongly about.. abortion, marrige, that crap.. although it might not be to your interest, i think it is a good way to test the waters, and see if she is able to get a spark out of those things.. and as far as the relationship goes.. i would ask yourself, are you over all happy with the relationship? there will always be small things that just.. well arent perfect.. but in the over all pie chart, is the big piece the happy one? if so, things like this can be hammered out over time, to me i wouldnt worry about it, there must be love, and where there is love, there is a bond that will do whatever it takes to make the other happy, so sooner or later, she will open up with the good chats.. :)

[MDeezy]

I can very much see your problem here.. but i have to ask, after almost 2 years (congrats as well, june 25'th will be my 2 years with my baby) in those 2 years have you never had a deep conversation? to me that is almost hard to believe.. but either way, i suggest talking about something she feels strongly about.. abortion, marrige, that crap.. although it might not be to your interest, i think it is a good way to test the waters, and see if she is able to get a spark out of those things.. and as far as the relationship goes.. i would ask yourself, are you over all happy with the relationship? there will always be small things that just.. well arent perfect.. but in the over all pie chart, is the big piece the happy one? if so, things like this can be hammered out over time, to me i wouldnt worry about it, there must be love, and where there is love, there is a bond that will do whatever it takes to make the other happy, so sooner or later, she will open up with the good chats.. :)

We have had a deep conversation many times during the two years, but as of the past 4-7 months havent been able to really have one. To Clarrify a bit because I said one thing then added another I just want to clear it up.

Its not only lack of a good conversation, its more blossed into her not listening to me interms of retaining information something important I may have said that day, to an important issue going on with me. To also her not telling me about what is really going on in her life, how she is truely feeling. The other night when it came to a boil she finally opened her doors some and was sharing informating with me that a couples should share. so its not only lack of good conversations, not listening to things I say, to holding back feelings and thoughts. seperately I wouldnt be making such a racket about it, but with all of these combined it makes it hard for us to communicate, and a couple that cant communicate wont last long.

I am overall happy, lately I havent been and have been trying to tell her so (again apart of the bad communication) but it finally sunk thru and things are being worked on, I love her and am not going anywhere so we have time to work it out.

[vaiolust]

That is good, i am glad to hear that :) i think it just takes time to work these things out.. i hope for the best with both of you! sounds to me like it will all get evened out in a bit of time..

[Rich]

I just read your original posting.

The answer that you seek is simple.

If having great convo is one of the requirements for you in a spouse to be, then you either need to leave her or accept that you'll never get that from this girl.

So, you need to ask yourself, can I really accept the fact that we're not gonna have these long talks that I crave? Or, do I need more?

Believe it or not, there's a lot of time that couples spend together that's not in bed.

Sitting on the couch
Driving somewhere
Eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Going out for drinks

That's a lot of time without having someone to talk to.

It sounds like you come more from an intellectual point of view, than does your partner. Some people are deep, some not so deep.

It doesn't sound like you'll ever get what you're looking for from this girl. You need to really be honest with yourself and ask if you can go the rest of your life like this.

And I can see it right now if you do marry this girl. Somewhere along the line you're going to meet a woman that you can have great conversations with and it will turn you on mentally. You'll be attracted to this woman and compare your wife to her and wish that your wife could be more like her.

You'll then want to be with this other woman and you will think of her constantly.

File this away and bring it out when it happens.

[MDeezy]

I just read your original posting.

The answer that you seek is simple.

If having great convo is one of the requirements for you in a spouse to be, then you either need to leave her or accept that you'll never get that from this girl.

So, you need to ask yourself, can I really accept the fact that we're not gonna have these long talks that I crave? Or, do I need more?

Believe it or not, there's a lot of time that couples spend together that's not in bed.

Sitting on the couch
Driving somewhere
Eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Going out for drinks

That's a lot of time without having someone to talk to.

It sounds like you come more from an intellectual point of view, than does your partner. Some people are deep, some not so deep.

It doesn't sound like you'll ever get what you're looking for from this girl. You need to really be honest with yourself and ask if you can go the rest of your life like this.

And I can see it right now if you do marry this girl. Somewhere along the line you're going to meet a woman that you can have great conversations with and it will turn you on mentally. You'll be attracted to this woman and compare your wife to her and wish that your wife could be more like her.

You'll then want to be with this other woman and you will think of her constantly.

File this away and bring it out when it happens.


I see where you are comming from and it present me with good information and a better perspective. My original thread started out as her and I not being able to have the deep conversations but then later changed to her not communicating at all interms of hoe she feels, whats going on etc.

But happily since that night when it all came to a boil things have already shown a great sign of improvement. I also understand that many couples dont have much time to talk that is all understandable but many times about 6-8 times she rode with me on a 4 hrs car ride, and of all times that would be the best time to have such a conversation but none surfaced.

But so far since the beginning of this thread, and me expressing myself that night a few posts back to her, things are getting better, and I can feel her opening back up to me, I know the great conversations will come later but my main beef had shifted thru the posts from no good deep conversations, to her not really telling me whats going on period.


thanks

[eightball61]

But so far since the beginning of this thread, and me expressing myself that night a few posts back to her, things are getting better, and I can feel her opening back up to me, I know the great conversations will come later but my main beef had shifted thru the posts from no good deep conversations, to her not really telling me whats going on period.


thanks

I am glad to have read that things have been getting changing. Even though it's a little change it's a start to something:). It will a process if she changes and if she doesn't change then this will be something that you'll need to except and work with.

Please keep us posted ;)

[MDeezy]

I am glad to have read that things have been getting changing. Even though it's a little change it's a start to something:). It will a process if she changes and if she doesn't change then this will be something that you'll need to except and work with.

Please keep us posted ;)

Thank you and I will be keeping you guys updated. Love this site :D

[eightball61]

Hey MDeezy,

How has the progress of your girlfriend trying to open-up been going?

[MDeezy]

Hey MDeezy,

How has the progress of your girlfriend trying to open-up been going?


Excellent, thanks for asking. It seems that was just a test of strength and devotion. I'm glad I came and got advice here, and toughed it out. We've worked right past it and its hardly an issue anymore. We talk much more and I realize that we dont have all the time in the world to talk, so most of the chances we get I try to enjoy them as much as I can.

[eightball61]

Excellent, thanks for asking. It seems that was just a test of strength and devotion. I'm glad I came and got advice here, and toughed it out. We've worked right past it and its hardly an issue anymore. We talk much more and I realize that we dont have all the time in the world to talk, so most of the chances we get I try to enjoy them as much as I can.


I am pleased to hear that your efforts have turned into great news. I do hope that you both can keep this communication going. I wish you luck and thank you for supplying that update :)