Problems with his family... [Archive]

wildmondavi

05-15-2005, 08:45 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. Together we seemed to have a pretty good relationship, but I was living with him at his parents house. Initially I had no problems with his parents, but as time went on, there were things that I didnt agree with/didnt like about them etc. I never said anything to them but my boyfiriend knew the tension was there because they didnt like certain things about myself. Needless to say I now have my own place and after the move things went sour. My boy and I are still together, we are working on issues between us (Being seperated and not doing everything together anymore being my hardest adjustment. ) I am not welcome at any of his family events anymore until thing between the two of us get better and he feels confident with the two of us. So my question is in the mean time, how do I not be resentful? How can I give him his space with his family when it hurts to not be involved? There is a lot more to this story so its hard to tell everything, but any advice would be great! :confused:

MDeezy

05-15-2005, 11:20 PM

If things arent going right between friends its always best to talk it out and try to resolve the issue or atleast realize the source of it and take it from there. The fact that you arent allowed to attend fuctions till things are resolved sounds like a method of slowly cutting you out. Rather than say that and waste that energy he could have focused on the issue and getting to the bottom of it.

A good sit down and talk should hopefully at least sstart to open some door up.

eightball61

05-15-2005, 11:39 PM

Did you leave because you wanted to or did you leave because they told you to?

I ask this question because they did except you into thier home. You have to live by thier ways even though you can't stand them. You did the right thing in moving out if things weren't going that good. You don't want a situation like that to ruin your relationship. You did say that you both are working on some internal problems in the relationship...is those problems because of the family or are they personal problems in the relationship?

vaiolust

05-16-2005, 01:49 AM

To me it is interesting that he isnt doing a bit more to patch things up.. it would kill me if my parents didnt like desiree (my g/f) and i would do what i needed to do to make them see her as i do, as a beautiful, kind, sweet girl.. now thankfully that is very easy to do.. i think anyone could see that in her, but i would assume the same for you.. seems to me he is kinda riding on his parents wake with this one.. and to me, i find that kinda wrong.. if he loves you.. he needs to fix it.. or pick a side.. thats how i see it.. keep us posted :)

wildmondavi

05-16-2005, 01:53 AM

I beleive that some of our internal issues were cause by living with his parents and some were not. One thing that he blames me for is when I was living with him he lost touch with his friends. This is true, but it was more along the lines of him not returning his friends phone calls or not making plans with them himself. The only thing that I asked was that if was goiing out with the guys just to let me know who he was going with and aprrox when he would be home, because I worry. Im not the kind of girl that calls him when hes out, but it makes me feel better to know whats going on. I have been not living with him since February, and he has gone out with friends MAYBE once or twice...and that is not because of me.

In regards to some problems that were caused by living with his parents goes as follows...I am a very layed back person, I dont like stress, and I like to be happy. His parents are very uptight and like to hear themselves complain which just put me on edge everyday, it seemed like when they got home from thier jobs the stress level would rise quickly. THat, in turn put me on a more stressful place than I like to be and I wouldnt be myself because I wasent happy. So that didnt help things in regards to me and my boyfriend.

wildmondavi

05-16-2005, 01:56 AM

Vaiolust,

I couldnt agree with you more. He is 24 years old and has never left home. He is very influenced by his parents...his mom especially. BUt because he lives with them, he wants things to be as smooth as possible...so that ment getting me out of the house. I think he needs to pick as well, and he has told me he sticks up for me and defends me if they say anything bad, but who knows.

vaiolust

05-16-2005, 02:12 AM

I find this very fitting to my life as well, my g/f thinks my mom hates her.. but my mom comes off like that to about everyone.. i have had some pretty serious chats with mom.. just to make sure myself that she likes her, and she truly does.. so does my father.. but it is very easy for me to point out all her good qualities.. because she is full of them.. but to me.. he needs to make that leap.. and go with you.. not his parents.. he must make that leap.. and to me.. it shouldnt even me that hard to make.. i believe a serious talk is in order.. not a mean one.. but you know.. just make it so he sees what is really important (you) and that his parents will still be there, even when he makes the choice.. :)

wildmondavi

05-16-2005, 02:18 AM

Trust me, we have had abotu three months of serious talks. THe last one we had, he said that he doesnt feel comfortable bringing me around his family until things with us are either better, or we are done. I am willing to work through things wiht him because I love him so much, and I know he loves me as well, he is not the kind of guy that would keep me around if he didnt want to. So until then, I am stuck trying to figure out how to make things better with us and its just hard for me to show him when we only see each other a couple times a week and talk on the phone the rest of the time. I was living with him for over a year, and it is still hard for me to not have him there all the time, and to accept that I am not welcome with his family, because that is something that is very important to me...and I have told him all of this.

vaiolust

05-16-2005, 02:40 AM

well i think that is wrong of him.. and kinda mean.. (not trying to pick sides or anything) but to me.. it seems like you should be on top in this.. this should be flipped around.. it should be him with you.. and not sure if he should bring is his parents around you, not the other way around.. to me you should be #1, then the parents.. but maybe that is just how it is within my life.. i dont know..

eightball61

05-16-2005, 11:54 AM

What I am trying to put together is were you or were you not asked to leave his parents house? Also, why are you not welcomed to any family of his events? . Any help would be greatly appreciated/. Thanks

wildmondavi

05-16-2005, 10:09 PM

bdtraders

05-16-2005, 11:20 PM

My family dosent really care for my SO as well and didnt want her around, their loss.

Your BF needs to stand up for YOU if he really loves you, your last statment about:

My boyfriend pretty much kicked me out at the time and he said it was his decision, not his parents...but who knows. I am not welcome at family events because he doesnt feel confident enough in our relationship right now to feel comfortable having me around the family.

IMO if he really loved and cared about you he would have ALL THE CONFIDENCE IN THE WORLD in your relationship. If he trully loved you he wouldnt care what mommy or daddy or anyone said about you and him. But thats just what i think.

eightball61

05-17-2005, 02:13 AM

My boyfriend pretty much kicked me out at the time and he said it was his decision, not his parents...but who knows. I am not welcome at family events because he doesnt feel confident enough in our relationship right now to feel comfortable having me around the family.

Wow...he kicked you out:eek:....hmmmmm:confused: he sounds like a great boyfriend to have around. My opinion would differ if he stated something like "maybe its best you don't stay here because of being uncomfortable.

The other thing that stands out to me is that you say "he doesn't feel confident enough in our relationship". As a boyfriend he either has confidence or doesn't have confidence. That puts you in the position in now wondering where the hell this relationship is going.

Bdtraders, is right and if he did care enough for you then he would stand up more to his folks. I understand that being out of that house was the best choice but kicking you out was the wrong way to do it.

You said something like you were beginning not to stand his parents which confuses me on why you are unable to attend family events....... It almost sounds like he is embaressed on having you around. I wonder if his parents even know if you both are still together.:confused:

If you both wanted to have a future to grow upon its being delt with the wrong way. I understand you leaving but he should have gone with his very own girlfriend ....no kick you out. I feel something wierd about this whole relationship. I am not going to tell you to break up with him but please notice the signs and take caution to them.....if you take caution to them its only going to save you future heart break.

wildmondavi

05-17-2005, 11:40 AM

Eightball, you seem righ on the money. I told him that the situation could have been better with the right attitude. He kicked me out on a Sunday, and that previous Friday we had a pretty good fight ( he went out, was a lot later then he thought he would be, and didnt call to tell me he was going to be later, he knows that is important to me) So with that in mind, it was the last straw for him with everything, includeing me living in his parents house with him. So things were pretty bad for a couple weeks after that and we finally started talking on civil terms ( that was in MArch) and things have been up and down since. We have talked about everything under the sun, but sometimes it doesnt seems like it does much. In a nutshell, our good days are good, and our bad days are bad. Currently, he says until he feels that until I listen, trust, and respect him things will be what they used to. My question is this, I do listen and respect and trust him (for the most part, he will lie about getting my voicemails and he never is very truthful to his parents) but I trust him not to cheat on my and I trust that he loves me. So my question from here, is how do I show him these things?

eightball61

05-17-2005, 01:04 PM

Currently, he says until he feels that until I listen, trust, and respect him things will be what they used to. My question is this, I do listen and respect and trust him?

wildmondavi, the more you write about him the more that I don't like him. I would be able to pick up things in your writing that proves that you don't listen, trust, ect. but I really don't. What I see going on here is he wants you to obey him....like he owns you.

Now, I could be really wrong here and I like to have others supply thier thoughts but with this last comment this is what it truelly shows.

Why does everything have to be about him? You are his damn girlfriend and you both need to be working together. You shouldn't have to prove all this shit just to go to family events. He is acting like your father and punishing you because you are not what he wants you to be.

When I mentioned I see "red flags" this is what I mean. You are not ownership to him....you are his girlfriend. You both need to be a team and work as a team in order to make things right in the relationship. He feels he is the right one and you are the wrong one....Your relationship will not grow anymore unless a change is made.

SALly

05-17-2005, 01:52 PM

I see the same things as you do 8ball.
Maybe he is just trying to break it off with you and using the parents as an excuse. It should not be acceptable to him that you are not welcome at family events etc. Not to be mean or rude, but are they maybe weathy and you aren't. By what I've read that is what it seems like with the parents. Like they don't feel you are good enough for their family or something. If that's the case, he could love you but it would never work if he wants to please his family.

eightball61

05-17-2005, 02:01 PM

Like they don't feel you are good enough for their family or something. .

Sally, I got that vibe also in the reading.....

wildmondavi, can you please fill us in with a little more info. about his parents and maybe also a little about yours? Thanks Again :)

wildmondavi

05-17-2005, 04:19 PM

Okay, when I first met his parents, they seemed very nice. They both have college educations, his mom has been a kindergarden teacher for almost 30 years and his dad does business stuff. After I moved in, things were pretty good for a while, and then his mom started using me as a resource for my boyfriend...she would ask me how he was doing in school, were his classes done. THis I didnt like too much. Mind you I am 21 and my boyfriend is 24...I personally dont htink that mommy needs to be monitoring his school. ( He takes online classes). Along those same line, as time went on she became more comfortable yelling, complaining, telling him what to do and how to do it etc. This bothered me to no end. My paretns on the other hand let me grow up, we have a very good relationship my dad owns a dental practice and my mom works for him . Its rare for me to have issues with my parents. I think part of his moms prob is that she has been teaching 6 yr old for 30 years, and she cant let my boyfrind grow up himself. To top things off, he has quite a bit of debt which he is slowly paying off, he works full time but wouldnt be able to support himself with his debt...so sucks for me that we couldnt have moved out together. :rolleyes:

wildmondavi

05-17-2005, 04:21 PM

Sorry...forgot one thing...Now I did say I couldnt stand how his parents ran his life...but I never said anything to them about it. I would talk to my boyfriend but never confronted them. I just tried to stay out of the line of fire...but he saw that as being rude and not being family oriented...

eightball61

05-17-2005, 04:56 PM

You have to realize that different family's parent thier children in different ways. His mom could have been asking you these questions because he doesn't like to talk much. He is under thier roof and he will have to go with what they say. His parents are thier in concern and care for thier him. Some parents show caring in different ways.

Its still doesn't make sense to me on why he has kicked you out. You simply couldn't stand how his parents' parent thier son.... :confused: . There has to be more to this situation on why he is not feeling confident in the relationship & why you are unable to go to family outings??????

It's going to be fustrating but you need to dig to find out more. It does seem he doesn't like to share to much but you need to know "why". You can't comply with his request on respect, trust, and listening without knowing "why". He has to have a reason and you have to know if he wants you to stay with him.

SALly

05-17-2005, 05:07 PM

Why is he so deep into debt?
Are they paying for his schooling?

wildmondavi

05-17-2005, 10:49 PM

To answer both of you, the reason why he says he doesnt trust me is that when he goes out without me, I like to know who and where that just makes me feel better about him going out. On one occasion, he went to his cousins bachlor party, and I was un-easy about this because I know how guys can be, and I didnt feel comfortable if they were going to any strip clubs. When he came home (very late) he did tell me that they did go to one, and I gave him some crap about how I thought they were disgusting and that it is degrading, and I dont see why, if you have a girlfriend...or fiance for that matter why anyone would go. Thats just me. I do understand though, when you go out on a party bus with friends and family youre prob not gonna sit on the curb if everyone decides to go to a strip club. Another occasion he went out, didnt seem like he really wanted me to know with who or where he was going (he said this was because I was "bugging" him about it). That night we each went out and did our own things, and he did say he would be home at a certain time. Well he was an hour later than he said and I called his cell and he didnt pick up, needless to say I was just worried about him (I trust him to know that he has nothing to hide) but its little things like that, that he doesnt understand are important to me, and then he gets pissy about it and so do I and then we fight about it (Not that it does any good) SO I think that covers the trust thing...

He is in debt because he spent a lot of $ with credit. His debt is now consolidated and hes on the road to paying it off. Yes his parents are paying for his scooling still...he has commuted to 2 different colleges from home, and now he is at an online university.

I do understand that parents do raise thier children differently BUT he is 24 years old. I dont believe that anyone that age needs to be bossed around by thier parents.

luvme4ever

05-18-2005, 02:04 AM

wow.. seriously I wish i was in ur condition, although u guyz now know that u and his family don't get along together like you wish. But the fact is, you still get to see him and be with him excluding the family events. I can't even see my boyfriend, i have too sneak around to see him because my family doesn't like him. But you know something, although you and his family have many diffrences. but also have something very important in common, which is the love for your boyfriend, with that connection, I believe things would turn out well if you give it a lil time. Good luck, and do appreciate for wut u have.

wildmondavi

05-18-2005, 02:16 AM

I agree, I am glad that I have him and that I am still with him. Its just REALLY hard going from living with him and being involved in EVERYTHING to this. But I believe we set ourselves up for failure, we only knew each other for about 4 months b4 i moved in. Of course the beginning of a relationship is great, but we never had the in-between step of being together and having seperate lives, we jumped into an almost marriage situation. Its just very hard for me to not show any hurt feelings/resentment to him over it. I want to be supportive and do what I need to do to work things out...he even said this "If we can get through this, we can get through anything" its just a matter of getting through it :(

eightball61

05-18-2005, 02:24 AM

There are two problems here....

The first one to hit is, he stated that you don't trust him but your questioning is something that every normal partner would do. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you keep things hidden. For some reason he likes to be very secretive and that raises my eyebrow to that he may be actually hiding more than you think. He shouldn't have to lie or be so secrective on what he is doing. If he didn't see it that big of a deal then he would have no problem explaining it to his GF.

The other minor problem is that you stated in your last post that a 24 yr shouldn't be ran by mom and dad. You were brought up one way and he is brought up another. If he is still livig at home then he has to follow thier guidelines and the way they do stuff. I am 23 and still living with my folks. I hear my mom every day on how I do stuff. I obey my mom because I am going to be respectful as an adult under her roof.

As I said in my last post though he has many "red flags" I see about him. On many of the stuff you have mentioned and we discuss you need to know "why" to get your answers. You need to stop talking about this in words and finally put things into action. He has kicked you out and you need to know "why". He has also kept you from family events and you need to know "why". When he gives you an answer to those then you need to ask "why" to those replies.

He is the one being secretive and you need to know your answers. You are not asking because you don't trust him. You are asking because this is the process of communication and this is what couples do.