What do you think of this situation?

[Neverbug88]

Hello everyone,

I have this amazing boyfriend who I've been dating for about 7 months. Previous to dating, we were very close friends for 1.5 years. Before dating me he was dating a girl who was all once a good friend as well. They were never in a relationship.. but they were involved and their were feelings. They also collaborated on art projects.. and still do to this day.

Sometimes their relationship makes me uncomfortable.. as they are ex's... however they only really hang out to work on art projects, they rarely hang out socially. Things got intense, when I told her how I felt and she ignored me. I told my boyfriend how I felt and told him I needed boundaries.. that for now I would like if they could just focus on only the project and not hang out beyond that. He agreed.. and told me he would tell her. However, it turns out that he lied to me. He didn't tell her, but told me he did.

Once it was found out, I confronted him and he explained that he felt I was making him end his friendship and he didn't want to lose a friend. He said he was resentful that I was controlling him. To an extent I agree, I wasn't best.. I pushed too hard.. but still he lied.. is it justifiable?

Somedays it seems like he agrees that boundaries need to be set... other days he doesn't want them. He had said after this project was done.. there would be some space.. but then he mentioned starting some else.. and it really upset me.

At I wrong for wanting boundaries and needing some space between? Should I continue dating him after he lied like that? Is it resolvable?

Otherwise though, he is amazing. He hasn't lied to me before. He has inspired me to be a better person.. he has done a lot for me. I think he has a hard time with this ex situation because he truly wants to remain friends...and doesn't understand how it hurts me.

Thank you!!

[RunsWithScissor]

You're right to want boundaries in your relationship, however, you may have gone too far this time in asking him not to spend time with his friend, even if it is his ex. You said things got intense, but does that mean he gave you a reason not to totally trust him when he's alone with this ex?

It was wrong of him to lie to you, but I can understand why he did. Ultimately, you were controlling him, even if that is not what you intended to do. It seems logical to me that he lied to you about it to avoid an argument, but it backfired on him. I don't know if you have good reason to be or not, but you are jealous of his relationship with his ex.

You said that this guy is amazing and makes you want to be a better person. What better man could you be with? If he has not given you reason to suspect dishonest behavior with this ex, why not trust him? We all need to be around people who give us the courage to be the person we want to be, and if this guy is that person, you need to fight to stay with him. If there is reason to suspect an affair, I would confront him on the subject, but do not ask him to stop hanging out with a friend due to suspicion alone.

Jealousy can be a nasty emotion, and whether or not it is justified in your case, just keep an eye on it. It tends to increase over time if the situation is not attended to and made right.

[eloquent]

based on how you described how incredible of a boyfriend he is, I think he deserves your trust. Yes he may have lied but you have admitted yourself that sometimes you have been a little too strict on him so you cannot based your decision on one single act thats not entirely wrong because he had a good reason to back it up.

If I were you, give him the trusts he asked for. In this way, he wouldnt have to lie to you to do it. If you gave him your trust then you would know everything straight from him and even make him cooperate more to be more considerate of your feelings and be a little more distant to the other girl.

[omega]

IMO, generally speaking, hanging out with ex's is not okay, especially if he's lied about it. I bet if you could see them hanging out, you wouldn't be all that happy about the amount of flirtation that was going on, and possible discussions of 'good times'. I've caught my gf doing this. I'm not trying to be cynical about this, but you have to understand that they have a connection that you cannot understand becuase it's different than his connection with you. There's something special between him and her, and there always will be. I don't care if he doesn't want to lose a friend. If he loves you, then he shouldn't care and should make reasonable sacrifies to make you feel assured. You have every right to be upset. Just because your relationship is great and there hasn't been any other lies like this (that you know of), you need to protect yourself.

[blitze1471]

I'm siding with Omega. Boundaries are a huge part of a relationship. Going over what each person is and isn't comfortable with in a relationship is a requirement. My question is this, if he doesn't have feelings for this girl and has feelings for you, why is he willing to risk it? To be perfectly honest with you, some guys can't let go. Some do it for two reasons (as I've found it) one is that they still have feelings and "don't want to close the door on a future oppportunity," or two they just don't know how to let go of an old flame and take of a new one as well.

If I were you, let him know that this really is a make it/break it situation with you. He has already lied to you so if he can do it once, he can easily do it again. He is probably confused about his "friendship" with her and that could be why he treats you great at one moment then calls you "controlling" the next. If he can't respect your feelings then he needs to go. Easier said than done but that's what it is.