In A Tough Spot..

[Neo777]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum, and I hope I can get plenty of good advice. God knows I'm in desperate need of it.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Here's my situation.

I've been exclusively dating a girl for the past 7 months. She's a co-worker who started working in my department about 11 months ago. For the first 4 months we really didn't talk, but then she and her boyfriend (4 year relationship) broke up and we somehow started talking. In a nutshell, I am the rebound guy who has fallen hard for her and now I'm going through a phase of trying to become "The New Guy." Throughout the past 7 months she's been unable to take it to a more serious level because she's still "healing" as she likes to say. However, I'm at odds with a few things.

1. How much longer must I wait before she "heals" enough to move on to a serious relationship (such as BF/GF with me?)

2. Am I wasting my time as she tries to figure out what's going to happen with her and the ex-boyfriend?

The reason I pose question #2 is because he is now desperately trying to get in contact with her and has had some success. But according to her, it's because they have ties such as their parents, old joint accounts, etc..

I'm confused though.

She states that she isn't going to get back together with him, just that it takes some time to heal and put the past behind her. Further, she's constantly assured me that she cares for me deeply and wants to continue our relationship.

Many friends have given me different types of advice.

One friend tells me to tough it out if I love her that much.

The second says to enjoy the and good times and to not take it so seriously. *I could never do this since I LOVE the girl.*

Another friend says that my best bet is to give her an ultimatum.

Lastly, another friend says that my best bet is to break it off. He believes this will give her space and allow her to see everything she's missing. Maybe this will give her time to realize she loves me...

I love this girl, but she's never used the "Love" word. I'm in a tough situation. What should I do?

My apologies if I wasn't too detailed. I will provide more details as questions are asked. Please help.

In need of assistance...John

[shelby644644]

Hi Neo777
This is a tough one but... having just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years I can't imagine being ready to go into another serious relationship for a long time to come.

I do, however, see that I could become 'involved' on a more casual basis with someone, during my healing period. If I were to do this, I would be completely honest about my feelings and about my ex and give that person the knowledgable choice of whether or not to spend time with me, knowing that it may lead nowhere.

It sounds as if your girlfriend needs company during her healing time, she needs diversion from her thoughts regarding her ex. I understand this completely. If this is the case then she has been unfair by not laying it on the line for you.

Ask her for the truth. And then make your informed choice. If she is still in healing, she is not going to know if your relationship is for keeps. She can't possibly know because her feelings will be mixed. That doesn't mean that your relationship won't work out in the long run, but you may have to take a step back from her for a while during her healing period and protect your heart. That doesn't mean you can't carry on dating but just be aware that, once over her healing, she may want to do the single thing as she's gone straight from one relationship to another. She may need to find herself once rid of her old relationship.

Back off a little, carrying on supporting her, don't pressure her. Be her friend. You may find that she then comes to you. Don't expect anything and then you may be pleasantly surprised.

Love should be a two-way street and if she's not ready to give it back to you then relax and give her time. Tell her that's what you're doing and she may then have enough respect for you to tell you the truth. All the while you're talking of love she's going to hide her feelings for her ex, and any contact she has with him, for fear of hurting you.

Hope it all works out.

[eightball61]

You know that you are the rebound guy. What she is going through is the phase on accepting the breakup. Deep down she may be still wishing that she was back with him but for what ever reason they broke she doesn't want to go back unless a change has shown.

Your only choice at this point is to hold on or not to hold on. Since you both are just seeing each other maybe its not a bad idea that you start looking in the open market while keeping your wishes to her. If you feel you can't do that then you need see if you are wasting your time or do you want to wait longer.

Its not a bad idea to wait a little more longer but don't waste your time. The fustration of this relationship can be brought to work and you don't want that happening. Make the right decision that you feel may have a better outcome. Its hard when you have these feelings but you are the rebound and she is not ready....so since she is thinking of herself you need to starting thinking for yourself.

[Rich]

I would delicately bring up the fact that you know that she had lunch with her old BF and ask her why she lied to you.

That answer or non answer might clarify things even more in what you should or shouldn't do.

There's no reason to NOT bring up that issue.

Ask her about it and see what comes about.

[SALly]

I agree with the other posts. Ask her about the lunch. I believe it could be true that with some loose ends, etc. she may need to see/ talk to him. When with someone for a while it is very hard to just end it and stop any contact at all. I would say hang in there for a little bit longer and see what happens.

[inquisitive]

There's no set amount of time for how long it will take her to heal. She's been honest with you that she's still healing. You're not bf/gf yet so the lunch with her ex really isn't too big of a deal in my opinion, and you should be able to ask her about it. You know you're the rebound guy, so it's not going to be easy.

You need to decide how much you can handle. If you can't handle not being in a serious relationship with her then you should let her know and give eachother space. If you feel you can handle waiting then I guess you just have to wait.

Personally I was in a 2 year relationship before the one I'm in now. I didn't get into the one I'm in now for about a year after the other one ended. I wasn't ready. That doesn't mean I wasn't casually involved with other guys, but I was definitely not ready for something serious. Since her relationship was 4 years long and very serious it's going to be tough on her to just move on. She's only been broken up with him for 7 or 8 months right?

It's a hard choice, but if she gets too serious too soon then your relationship probably wouldn't last anyways.

[Neo777]

Thank you all for the support. It's much appreciated.

Shelby's advice hit home the most as several people in my life whom I respect a great deal have given me the same advice. I think it's best for me to take a step back, protect my heart, and be supportive rather than pressure.

However, I've tried to do this several times and I always revert to pressuring. I know that If I don't make a change quickly, I will push her away and lose her. I've never been in a situation such as this one and that's why it's extremely difficult to follow the steps I know I'm suppose to follow. My feelings are a huge factor also obviously.

Life is suppose to be simple, isn't it? You meet a girl, you're sweet to her, she likes you, and you begin a nice relationship. At least that's how it's always been for me. I consider myself a very sweet guy and every girl that I've ever dated and opened up to has become my girlfriend within 3-4 months. Adding to that thought, I'm typically very protective of my heart and rarely open up to any female. Actually most of the time it's me resisting taking it to a more serious level. This is very new to me, very tough.

Thank you all for listening and offering kind words of advice.

[eightball61]

Life is suppose to be simple, isn't it?


Life will never be simple and even in Hollywood things are never that simple. This is a good reason why we dream. We love to have that perfect life and relationship but you need to accept that problems will acure. There will always be a bump in the road. That bump is there to test the strongness of things and if you can over power that then be prepared for the next bump.................basically, nothing will ever be easy.

[Neo777]

Life will never be simple and even in Hollywood things are never that simple. This is a good reason why we dream. We love to have that perfect life and relationship but you need to accept that problems will acure. There will always be a bump in the road. That bump is there to test the strongness of things and if you can over power that then be prepared for the next bump.................basically, nothing will ever be easy.
Thanks Eightball. My "Life is suppose to be easy, isn't it?" question was more of a desperate inner cry of pain rather than a serious question. LOL

[eightball61]

Thanks Eightball. My "Life is suppose to be easy, isn't it?" question was more of a desperate inner cry of pain rather than a serious question. LOL

That just goes to show how blond I really am....sorry :)

[Neo777]

That just goes to show how blond I really am....sorry :)
It's not your fault. How were you to know unless I told you? LOL

Seriously, this is tough. She literally works a few cubicles down from me. Something doesn't feel right today. I think I've been pressuring her too much lately. Hopefully, she won't break it off.

I just feel so frustrated because I feel that I have to be so perfect. I wish I could just be myself and have her reciprocate my feelings. Why did I get myself in this situation? :(

By the way, sometimes I'm told that I overanalyze and read into simple things too much. That's also one of my current problems. But how do I control this?

[eightball61]

By the way, sometimes I'm told that I overanalyze and read into simple things too much. ?


Thats probably true and you need to calm down some. You keep speaking in the terms "i feel" but what about how she feels?

The only thing you can do is wait for her or not to wait.....your decision...not ours. Sorry to be blunt but its the truth.

[Neo777]

I'm really confused. I'm constantly hurting inside. Over the past weekend, she's seemed very distant, almost like she doesn't know how to break it off, like she fears breaking my heart or something.

Today at work (Did I mention I work with her?) she isn't very talkative. Usually we spend the day emailing each other and she's very happy. She seems confused and distant yet she hasn't said anything yet.

I've been very patient with her because I know that sometimes it takes a long while to get over a past love. She has been very honest at times, letting me know that she has been confused at times not knowing what she wants. But what keeps me around is that I'm the guy she's dating while the ex is the one that's lingering. To make matters worse, he lives about 5 minutes from her in the same city, a small city nearby. I know that she isn't totally avoiding him.

I just wish she'd be straight up with me and let me know what's going to really happen. I hate being in a situation where I'm constantly hurting not knowing if I can take it. We go through phases of good times and then weird times (like now).

At the moment I don't know what she's thinking and it kills me. Is she confused? Does she want to break it off and go back to talking to her ex? I try not bring up talk of our relationship because it supposedly frustrates/stresses her out and adds pressure. She says she doesn't want to be a in stress situation where she feels pressured.

It's so tough because I have to work with her! If she breaks my heart, I'll probably quit my job because the pain will be so overbearing.

I'm at a point where I don't even want to ask her to hang out. I don't want to pressure her. I want her to come to me...

Just rambling while at work...

[eightball61]

I'm at a point where I don't even want to ask her to hang out. I don't want to pressure her. I want her to come to me...




If you can't be patient then you do need to move on. The only other choice you have is to be patient and accept the mixed signals while she figures herself out.

[Neo777]

If you can't be patient then you do need to move on. The only other choice you have is to be patient and accept the mixed signals while she figures herself out.
Thanks. It so tough though! I work with her and I'm in love with her. :(

[cutewit]

Neo, sweetheart, you are going to drive yourself mad. And in the process you are going to drive her mad. You said that you wished you could be yourself - if this relationship means that you can't be then you need to back away. What happens if she suddenly declares her undying love for you, you end up together, and you can't be yourself. You'll be miserable. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not for years. But eventually.
Relax - let her see the real you, a happy you, the you she must have been attracted to in the first place. The person that you were when you first met is NOT the lovestruck, walkover, puppy that she is seeing now. That alone is pressure for her. You wouldn't need to say a word in your present state and she'll feel that pressure.

It's the ultimate cliche but if you love her, let her go. Give her some time and you may find she comes flying back. If not, you obviously have a lot to give - give it to someone who can reciprocate it.

All the best.
x

[eightball61]

1. You don't want to play mind games then break things off at the end...That would be cruel.

2. This is an ok option.


You have to remember that you both are just seeing each other. So I am lost when you say your gonna break it off. She has been honest and gave you the info you need. You need to adjust some things on yourself. She needs the distance to get over the past and thats what you need to give her......

Distance, time, & patience is the smartest move here.

[shelby644644]

Neo, don't play her.
Just tell it like it is. No need to try and impress her with nice dinners and wordy, needy letters.
Just say: honey, you're not over your ex. I'm going to give you time to sort your head out and I'm going to back off.

End it there. Let her continue the conversation. She will appreciate your honesty. Walk away if you have to but do it with your head held high.

You are right that she needs to experience missing you. She can't think straight within this relationship - give her time to think about it outside of the relationship.

[SALly]

Ok, here's my latest update.

I'm considering two options.

1. Have dinner with her on Friday and make it the "last" dinner. I'm going to have a nice dinner with her, but I'll be distant preparing the finale. When I drop her off at her place, I'll let her know that the time I've spent with over the last 7 months has been great and that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'll then give her a letter which will outline the breakup. It'll basically let her know that I love her with all my heart, but that my heart is bleeding under the current situation. I'm going to free her and let her figure things out on her own and explain to her that I need to begin my healing process and later find someone who can reciprocate all the love I've been giving to her. Before she walks into her apartment, I'll give her one last kiss on the cheek combined with a big hug.

2. I'll give it two weeks top. I'm going to completely back off and let her come to me. If nothing has changed, then go with Option 1.

Boy Option 1 seems very painful, but IMO it's the only way to possibly have something with her in the long-term. How else is she going to have time to figure out how she truly feels about me unless I'm no longer there? Sometimes people don't realize a great thing until they've lost it, right? However, I'm not going to hold my breath. I'll be moving on like it's the end and if she happens to come crying back, I'll tell her that the only way to be with me is to completely cut off all ties with her ex and especially to tell him about me and to let him know she's moved on.

Thoughts anyone?
You are putting WAY too much thought into all this.

[Neo777]

You are putting WAY too much thought into all this.
Ok. Care to offer your opinion on what to do? lol

[SALly]

Ok. Care to offer your opinion on what to do? lol
Back off. Give her space and time. Find a hobby or something else to occupy your time so you don't think of her 24/7. Option 2 is ok minus the part about going to option 1 if this doesn't work.

[Neo777]

Here's the latest.

We've been talking things out a lot the past couple of days and she's become very open with me. According to her, she wants to be friends with her ex-bf while dating me exclusively. But people keep telling me that something isn't right with that and I agree. Although she continually reassures me that it's just friends, I feel that she wants to have her cake and it eat it too aka see what's there with the ex. She is so open with me now that she is telling me that her ex asked her to go watch the new Star Wars movie today. I asked her what she said and she said she couldn't turn him down because he sounded sad on the phone. So she wants me to accept the fact that they're going to the movies tonight. To further reassure me she said, "I know it's killing you, but trust me, we're just friends. You can even come over after he drops me off."

I don't know what to think. I posed the question to her, "If I gave you an ultimatum to either have me or continue to see your ex as friends, what would you say?" She responded with, "You are so wrong. It's not like that, but if that's what you want then I can't stop you from breaking it off." I then said, "WTH! You'd really choose him over me." Her response, "It's not like that John. But believe what you want to believe."

I'm really confused. What do I do? A part of me knows I need to break away so she can figure things out, but a part of me wants to believe her wholeheartedly and give her the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, I'm sad and I don't feel happy. I don't want to be w/o her, but I'm not happy under these circumstances. Help. :(

[eightball61]

According to her, she wants to be friends with her ex-bf while dating me exclusively


This is something that your gonna have to accept or not accept. He is an ex but if you want to be with her then you are gonna have to trust her. If you can't trust her then there is no point in getting into this relationship. You can't be a controlling boyfriend and tell her what she can and can't do. You both will need to compromise.......Not everything should be about you and the same goes for her. You have to give a little while she gives a little back.

[SALly]

That's bullshit! You don't go see a movie with your ex when you are starting another exclusive relationship with someone else. I wouldn't accept that. Like I said- it's just bullshit! Would she want you to go to a movie with an ex of yours? I highly doubt it! Break up with her til she figures out what she really wants.

[Neo777]

This is something that your gonna have to accept or not accept. He is an ex but if you want to be with her then you are gonna have to trust her. If you can't trust her then there is no point in getting into this relationship. You can't be a controlling boyfriend and tell her what she can and can't do. You both will need to compromise.......Not everything should be about you and the same goes for her. You have to give a little while she gives a little back.
Here's the deal though. We're not bf/gf. She wants to keep it at "exclusively dating" for now. So should I not have a right to trip out?

[Neo777]

That's bullshit! You don't go see a movie with your ex when you are starting another exclusive relationship with someone else. I wouldn't accept that. Like I said- it's just bullshit! Would she want you to go to a movie with an ex of yours? I highly doubt it! Break up with her til she figures out what she really wants.
She's not officially my gf though. Should that make a difference?

[SALly]

I guess i don't understand-- so you two will be/ or can date other people?

[Neo777]

I guess i don't understand-- so you two will be/ or can date other people?
It's weird. We're exclusive yet she doesn't want the label of bf/gf even though that's technically what we are. We do a lot of bf/gf stuff.

[eightball61]

According to her, she wants to be friends with her ex-bf while dating me exclusively. :(


^^ then you have your answer stated right here by you. Again you have to accept it and if you can't then you move on. This is what she wants and you can't push for more. If you try to push for more then you just end up losing her.

[SALly]

So basically SHE wants YOU to only have HER, but SHE wants to have YOU and EX..... if you accept that then that's fine. But then don't complain/ or be sad about it. I say don't accept it, it isn't fair. But it is up to you if you want to be the tag along little lost puppy and wait for her that's your decision.