Confused and probably Naive!

[SabrinaMRuiz]

Hi I have been with my husband and father of my two sons for 6 years now Married for 3 months. We had what I thought was a alright relationship for a while. About 1 year ago we started having major problems. I found out he was seeing a woman at work and stopped coming around the kids and just basically stayed at a distance for about a year. I was one of thise persistant people who even though I knew he was seeing someone else I still tried. He used me at time by coming over and having with me and lying to me saying that he was ready to be with just me again. I was naive and fell for the lies. Than a few days would go by and he would leave again. This would break my kids hearts and leave me empty of words to say to them about where their father went. One day I called his work and the woman that answered was his other girlfriend. We had a few words and I told her what he was doing when he came over here maybe I shouldnt of but I just couldnt help myself. But then I think why shouldn't I of? He was telling me he was with me so I thought he was my boyfriend. (God I feel so stupid seeing what I am writing.) Well she said to me that she didnt care what he did when he came to see me that they had that type of relationship together and that she did the same. Then she said she was pregnant by him. I asked her why did she think that he would take care of her children and doesnt take care of mine. Then she said she didnt give a F*** about my kids.

Well after that phone conversation I didn't speak to him for a little over a month. Than one day he showed up at my house telling me he loved me and that she WASN'T pregnant and that he wanted us to be a family again. Well again me falling for him I said ok. We moved in together again and have been living with eachother since October of 2004. Everything seemed to be going fine and we have gotten along really well. We even decided to get married in February of this year 2005. I never heard about the other girl again and it seemed to all have faded away. He comes on time from work, he spends time with us. He seems to have gotten over his "immature" ways. His whereabouts are always known because he is always home or at work. Well the other day I got a phone call from the other woman that I spoke to on the phone the last time. She said she was calling to inform me that she had a baby girl by him. Told me other things that I didnt know as well. I called him at work and told him he needed to come home that we needed to talk. So he came home and I asked him about what she is saying and he said its not mine! Classic response right? Well he says he used protection with her every time I said so that makes it not yours? He is sticking to his word on it and saying its not his. The woman called back and he told her off saying quit messing with me and my family. He told her that the kid is not hers and she had told him while they were together she was messing around with her ex too. He told her that they need to get a DNA test to prove he is right. She said whatever that they could. But nothing has been done.

I dont know what to do. I want to beleive him I really do but how? I feel that I want to leave him because I am tired of this mess with him. But I feel so empty with out him. I feel lost and confused and hurt. My kids miss him when he is gone. I feel like they need him more than me. What do I do? How do I do this? I dont tell my family because they will looked down on me and say mean things to hurt me and my kids. I am so confused and miserable. But I do it for my kids and because I do love him. Please help me and give me some advice as to what to do. Thanks alot to who ever replies....

[eightball61]

I am a little confused here :confused:

Are you married to the man that has another girlfriend at his work? Are these his children also?

If he is the father of these children and also your husband then why did you marry him 3 months ago when you started having these cheating problems just a year ago? Did you think the problems would go away?

Thanks for tollerating my blondness :D

[SabrinaMRuiz]

I am sorry maybe I wasn't clear enough with my post...let me try to be clearer...

Ok we started having problems about a year back. I found out he was seeing another woman at work.

The kids are his (my kids).

Her kid that she had recently we dont know DNA test havent been taken.

The problem I thought had gone away when we got married 3 months ago because he said she wasnt pregnant and it never was brought up after we got back together in October of 2004. We barely got married in February. The woman never bothered again and I guess I was stupid to think it couldnt of been true.

I hope this helps your questions and maybe helps you understand my situation more.

Sorry for that...

Sabrina

[SabrinaMRuiz]

Maybe I should add he stopped cheating after we moved back in together. That I am pretty sure of. We moved back in together in October of 2004. Got married in February 2005 cause it seemed everything was going fine. I assumed she wasnt really pregnant like she said she was and moved on. Than about 2 weeks ago she calls and says she had his child. He says its not his and so on...

Read first post....

[eightball61]

We barely got married in February.


How can you barley be married??? its either you are or not...

You also mention that the kids miss him when he is gone and my question is: Did you kick him out? Did he leave? Does he also go out and live with this girl?

Did you just marry him to hide the problem with hope it disappears?


Thank You for answering these questions ;)

[eightball61]

Than about 2 weeks ago she calls and says she had his child. He says its not his and so on...

....

Wow is this confusing :eek:

How is it that he says she had his child but then you add he says its not his........

I would have never married him under these conditions. I really think things were a bit rushed and you both should have taken a step back to work things out rather than jump into marriage.

[SabrinaMRuiz]

if you read your own quoute I did not say he said she had his child. She said that. He is denying it. The reason we got married was because I didn't beleive that she was pregnant I thought she was playing games with me and him. We got back together in October of 2004 after the insadent with the phone call at his work, he told me he wasnt seeing her anymore and moved back in with me and everything seemed to be going fine we got married in February of 2005, 4 months after we had gotten back together and were trying to work at our relationship for ourselves and our kids. Since we got back together nothing has been said it was like she fell off the face of the earth or something so I naturally assumed she was lying about it. Than 2 weeks ago I get a call and she says she had a baby by him in January of this year (2005). He knew nothing of it (Or so he says. Until I told him that night he came home.

The reason for getting married was because again I thought it was all a lie about what she had told me the first time I talked to her. Now that the 2nd time she calls me and is indeed saying she had her baby (by him) I am wishing we didnt get married. I agreed to get married with him because I thought we were moving on from that past we had. If I would of known he had a baby that could possibly be his I wouldnt of married him. But like I said this girl knew where we lived knew where I worked and him why did she barely bring it up now? After the kid is already 4 months? If I would of known she was pregnant and perhaps by him I wouldnt of done it.

I am reading my post above and it seems that I have explained enough but maybe not. I am sorry for the confusion if it is not understandable now than dont worry about responding I wont post again...

Thanks though...

[eightball61]

What I am confused about is what you want to do out of all of this???

You regret getting married in Feb. but now you gotta forget about that part and work with your husband again on how resolve this. There is a reason why this women keeps bothering you both and you need to get to get to the bottom of it.

If she is just harrassing you both then file charges on her and then see your husbands reactions. You both need to work together if you both want to stay together. This kind of situation will require effort from you both and possibley a professional.

Sorry I wasn't able to help further but I tried, right? ;)

[Rich]

The honest truth is that you know how he is and you accept it.

It seems that you're probably in a bad situation financially and you sort of feel trapped having the kids and all.

I would say at this point since you've taken him back, married him and he's sort of changing, to stick with it.

Even if that little girl is his, what are you going to do, leave him? I doubt it. You knew he got a girl pregnant and you took him back anyway. Yes, he said that she wasn't pregnant and he lied, but he feels that the kid isn't his.

Oh well, if that other girl wants to prove it and get some type of child support from him, then she'll follow up with DNA tests. Until then, go about your life and try to have a good marriage for your children.

You've accepted this much, might as well stay a bit longer.

[SALly]

I would say... get the DNA testing done. Then you will at least know for sure what the truth of that situation is. Then go from there.

[piratesmate]

I truly feel sorry for you.
I also feel that you are perhaps staying with your new husband because of financial obligations?
My first husband of 20 years was cheating on me for many, many years with my very best friend. They were even doing it while I and my three daughters were upstairs sound asleep. He got her pregnant and only confirmed it was his son via an expensive DNA test. She has other boyfriends so didn't know whose son it was. They also used s but he stated that the broke once. yeah right!
As soon as he told me about his long affair with the tramp, I got tested for any diseases and thank God I came clean. I left him 17 days later after I found an apt to live in. He wouldn't leave.
That was five years ago and he has made my life a living hell ever since. He took our three daughters away from me and had brainwashed them.
Anyways, I don't share my men if since my husband was cheating on me, I refused to make our relationship work due to the fact that he was having such a long affair with the tramp and who knows how many others?
My advice, find out what the DNA test results say (and I wonder who will pay for the expensive test?) and go from there.
Why you are staying with this man is beyond my comprehension. I am only hoping you don't have a low self-esteem and feel you can't find anything better. That's wrong! You can find something better and a man who is willing to be a real father to your children and a real husband to you.
But, you have a lot of choices to make. Leaving your husband and starting all over again is very difficult. I left a beautiful custom built home and a very comfortable lifestyle to live on my own for a couple of years before I met and married my new husband.
It takes a lot of guts and determination to leave your husband and start all over again.
Find out the DNA results first and go from there!
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope and pray your relationship with your husband works out for the best!

[Mariposa]

I dont think the solution to this is getting the DNA test. What is that going to change? The point is not if he has a child from another women or not, its the fact that he has cheated and lied repeatedly. In my opinion, if it was a small, one time thing, that could of been forgiven, but this is a revolving circle of lies and who knows how to trust. Let's say the child is his, and you choose to stay with him. You will just have to accept the child and go on with your life. If it isnt, you dont have a child, but you still have a lying, cheating husband that you can't trust. Marriage wasn't the answer to stopping him either.

[piratesmate]

Marriage wasn't the answer to stopping him either.

EXACTLY! :cool:

[JusLikeCandy1]

I think all of these issues should have been dealt with BEFORE you got married. I wouldn't have married him in the first place.