She doesn't show affection anymore

[guidedbylights]

Hi all,

I'll keep this very simple even though there's a lot to explain. Firstly, she has zero self confidence and believes herself to be ugly and fat, mostly due to her sister. I find her amazingly georgeous but she can't see this at all, and believes I'll be disgusted.

Anyway, what's been concerning me lately is at night, she seems to just want to go to sleep and not even want to kiss. I do sometimes but it seems like she's forcing herself, and then she pushes me away. I talked to her about this last night and she said that she's not sure why, but most nights she just doesn't want to do anything at all, even though she says she does love me. She says in the day, she'll look at me and want to kiss me etc but it seems at night we become very, very distant. I lie in bed trying to cuddle her, get close to her and she mostly wants to lie on her own. Any stuff doesn't come into the equation! We have had before but she gets so nervous and shy that she doesn't enjoy it all, so we don't really bother.

In my head, I'm kinda convinced she just doesn't have that love and attraction that I have to her. When I look at her, I feel love and would always want to kiss her and be close to her...but she seems to not feel that at all :(

I'm thinking that maybe she's scared - I think she's very scared of showing affection, because she's told me before that she thinks I'll be disgusted by her trying to kiss me etc...but I just don't understand because clearly I want to kiss her when I'm actually trying to!

Any ideas guys? Even some for her? Because she wants help for this too.

[blitze1471]

Hi all,

I'll keep this very simple even though there's a lot to explain. Firstly, she has zero self confidence and believes herself to be ugly and fat, mostly due to her sister. I find her amazingly georgeous but she can't see this at all, and believes I'll be disgusted.

Anyway, what's been concerning me lately is at night, she seems to just want to go to sleep and not even want to kiss. I do sometimes but it seems like she's forcing herself, and then she pushes me away. I talked to her about this last night and she said that she's not sure why, but most nights she just doesn't want to do anything at all, even though she says she does love me. She says in the day, she'll look at me and want to kiss me etc but it seems at night we become very, very distant. I lie in bed trying to cuddle her, get close to her and she mostly wants to lie on her own. Any stuff doesn't come into the equation! We have had before but she gets so nervous and shy that she doesn't enjoy it all, so we don't really bother.

In my head, I'm kinda convinced she just doesn't have that love and attraction that I have to her. When I look at her, I feel love and would always want to kiss her and be close to her...but she seems to not feel that at all :(

I'm thinking that maybe she's scared - I think she's very scared of showing affection, because she's told me before that she thinks I'll be disgusted by her trying to kiss me etc...but I just don't understand because clearly I want to kiss her when I'm actually trying to!

Any ideas guys? Even some for her? Because she wants help for this too.

It sounds as if she needs to seek some type of psychological help. She may truly have some type of disorder like Body Dysmorphic, etc. Basically, what you see in the mirror isn't what she sees and she sees problems with herself that may or may not really even be there. Unless there is some type of scar or visibly cosmetic thing that makes her feel insecure then she should probably talk to a psychologist.

I know that isn't the most "pleasant" idea to bring up. However, intimacy is a hugely important part of any relationship. I would make it clear to her that you do love her, find her attractive, etc. but her view of herself is really putting a damper on your relationship. If she truly loves you then she will probably agree to go and at least for the first few sessions, you should go with her until she's comfortable. It sounds as if there is something in her past that needs to be addressed.

So long story short, be patient with her. That's the best advice I can give is getting her some psychological help. I think at this point you've done all you can do by yourself besides this option.

[AlwaysHungry]

I think you need to walk. If affection is something that is important to you, you will not find it from this girl. You told her how important it is to you and she continues to ignore your basic need in the relationship. She’s giving all these prior abuses for why she can’t, that’s BS… How hard is it to hug and kiss someone? And if it is soo hard for her, well frankly there are plenty of fish out there so don’t settle. I know where you are coming from, I was engaged to a very nice lady for 4 years and this was our big issue. We worked on it for 2 years and it only got worse. She never changed, no one ever does. Take her or leave her for what she is offering you now. You can adjust small behaviors, but you cannot fundamentally shift someone to fit your needs. Sometimes two great people just don’t work out.

[Rich]

The simple answer is that she cannot love you (or anyone else for that matter) until she can love herself.

She has severe self esteem issues and until they're addressed professionally, then you will not get the affection from this girl that you desire so much. Again, she can't love anyone until she can love herself and she doesn't right now.

Can she? Who knows.

Remember this. It took years for these negative feelings to grow and develop within her and it's going to take time to reverse them.

There's no flip of the switch to make her automatically think differently. Either you want to be in for the long haul, or you're not willing.

Balls in your court.