Need Advice

[Canuck3522]

I am in a very loving relationship but did something I regret the other night. My boyfriend and I are currently living in different towns and the other night I fooled another guy. The guilt is so extreme that I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Clothing stayed on, but resisting was really hard. Do I tell my boyfriend and risk losing him and if I don't how do I deal with my guilt?

[Diablo]

You can over-explain you know. Just tell your boyfriend that some guy got chummy and you said "no". He doesn't need a play by play. As for the other guy, he'll more than likely try again, so if you don't want the situation to get worse, tell him y'all have to go your seperate ways. You might find the guilt a lot easier to deal with if you break it off with the other guy. Being with someone, even being married, does not stop you from being attracted to other people. There's no better time than now to start ignoring those attractions. How far away are you and your boyfriend and how long before you two can live in the same town again? LDR's are usually a race against time. They either live in the same town within a reasonable time frame or they break up. Absence may or may not make the heart grow fonder, it does make it lonely.

[Canuck3522]

I am not dating this guy, he is just a friend. He knows that I have a boyfriend, and we even talked about it during the evening. We didn't do too much, I told him to stop and he did. I kissed him once, clothes stayed on, but he did touch me above the waist. I feel stupid writing all of this, it is just that I can't tell anyone I know due to the risk of someone finding out. I just feel horrible and don't know why I did this.

[Diablo]

It's because of the distance. If you were both in the same town, it probably wouldn't have happened. Anyway, terrible me was editing my first reply as youwere responding to it.

[Canuck3522]

He is only about two and a half hours away. We used to live very far away from one another, but then moved to a town and moved in together for two years. I had to move because I finished school and he still has a few semesters to go. He is American and I am Canadian so I had to move home until I get my Visa. We are moving to Minneapolis in December and plan on getting married. This other guy is my brother's girlfriends cousin. We have been flirting for awhile, but I never thought I'd let anything happen. I would for sure date this guy if I were single, but I'm not. It was very intimate with him, we just layed on a couch together trying to resist temptation. Alcohol was involved, but we both knew what was going on. It mostly involved holding hands, a little grinding up against one naother and just kinda playing. Like I said, i ended up letting him touch my upper body, but clothes stayed on. It was about 6am when we finally kissed. it was one kiss than I got up and went to crawl in bed with his cousin because I didn't trust myself. the guy and I talked about it and decided to keep it to ourselves. I'm trying to convince myself that this was not cheating, but I just imagine my man in the same situation and feel the pain. I know he would be upset and our relationship would never be the same if I told him. Man it feels good to get this off my chest. I have never visited a forum, but was desperate to talkabout this. Thank you to everyone who replies.

[Diablo]

So the flirting set it up. Ya gotta quit that sweetheart! But seriously, good luck with it and ditch the flirting.

[Canuck3522]

Trust me, I will. I don't think I will go out anymore if he is going to be there just to be safe.

[eightball61]

Trust me, I will. I don't think I will go out anymore if he is going to be there just to be safe.


Don't you just hate hormones??? I do!!!! but then again I do know how to control them. If you want to be faithful in a marriage or long relationship you'll have to learn to control those hormones. You done good by not allowing more to happen but you still allowed something to happen which is cheating. How would you feel if he did this to you? Would you want him to hide it or tell you?

It's your choice to tell him but the longer you wait the worse it will be and the only way to stop the guilt is try to hide this memory but it will be hard....goodluck

[Rich]

You really need to get to the bottom of why you did it.

If you're saying that the prospect of some ual fulfillment and ego stroking is what drove you to play handsy with this guy, then that doesn't say much about your will power or commitment to your BF.

If there are other things about your current relationship that have opened the door for you to look elsewhere for fulfillment, then that's something that you need to address.

Obviously you're not as committed to your BF as you think that you are.

[shelby644644]

Canuck - the only real problem here is if you find yourself wanting to do it again. If you have learnt by this mistake and it has made you feel this bad then I would guess you wouldn't do it again. If that's the case there is no point hurting your boyfriend by telling him.
Forget it - in the whole scheme of things this was no biggy - just don't let it happen again. If you think you do want it to happen again, either with this guy or another, then you are not ready for a committed relationship.
Just remember to imagine, whenever you are tempted, how would I feel if my partner did this to me. That always works for me when in a committed relationship.

[Canuck3522]

Shelby,
I would never do this again. The past few days have been the worst I can remember. The advice you gave has helped alot. I know that if my boyfriend did the same thing and felt the same way as I do, I would not want him to tell me. I know that this would never of happened if I was still living with my boyfriend. I am thinking about going to stay with my boyfriend for a week, but am scared that my guilt will show and that I'll tell him. How can I forgive myself and move on with my life?

[shelby644644]

This guilt is natures way of telling you you're in love with your boyfriend and it's that guilt that will stop you doing it again.
Don't hurt him by telling him. Try to forget it happened. I think you've really learnt from this - if you hadn't I would be telling you to break it off.
No point you both hurting - go stay with him for a week, treat him like a king (without being too obviously remorseful) and carry on from there.
Good luck Canuck - don't beat yourself up over this!

[eightball61]

How can I forgive myself and move on with my life?


That will be a very hard thing to do. The only way you may be able to find peace out of this is if you tell the truth. You won't be able to have it both ways unless you really try hard to hide what you have done but it will be hard because the guilt of what happened will always be there to haunt you. If you find it to be to difficult to let go what happened then you may have to face those fears and tell the truth......but as I said earlier, your better off to do it now rather than holding it in. Holding it in may not give you a second chance because he will just think that the whole relationship was just a lie.

Goodluck

[Canuck3522]

Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying to forgive myself, but it will take some time. I don't think I will hang out with this other guy anymore even though we are friends. I know he likes me, and I know that if I wasn't taken that he would be a person that I would date. I know I would never again let anything happen, but I rather just never see him again so i have no memories to haunt me.

[eightball61]

but I rather just never see him again so i have no memories to haunt me.


You'll be able to forgive yourself but you won't be able to hide the memory of what happened......The memory may just continue to haunt you until it drives you nuts enough to say something. This is your decision on whether to tell him or not but you do what you think is right........

[Rich]

Don't lie. You know that you're not going to see this guy again because you don't trust yourself and not, "because of the memories".

That's a crock.

So what, over the course of being with your BF you never asked yourself, "what if the opportunity ever presented itself, would you cheat on him?"

You never what if'd that scenario to guage your love for him? So that if you were faced with that decision, that you'd know what to do?

You had a moment of weakness that all of the supposed "love that you feel for your BF", couldn't prevent. Not much love there I guess.

Are you saying that the moment that you laid down with that guy, that the thought didn't go through your mind that this was wrong?

I say bullshit. I say that all the time that you were playing snuggle with that guy, that you had pangs of guilt and that you knew that what you was doing was wrong. BUT YOU KEPT ON DOING IT ANYWAY!!! Shame on you.

Now you're looking for comfort from people to tell you that it was ok. Don't worry about it. Accidents happen.

Bullshit.

What you did was wrong and you know it. Face up to it and all the reasons why it happened.

You did it for selfish reasons and it wasn't right. There's no other way to look at it.

You can forgive yourself all that you want. But if you did it once, you'll do it again. You say that if you were physically with your BF, that it wouldn't have happened? I say bullshit.

So what are you saying, that when left alone that you have no will power or self control? So if your husband goes away on business for a week or two, will it be his fault that you cheated because he physically wasn't there? What if you go out of town on business and happen to be one night? Because your husband isn't physically with you, will you cheat on him? A wedding band doesn't prevent cheating. Will power, self control and absolute love for your partner does that.

Your lack of will power, self control and absolute love and commitment to your BF speaks volumes about the true state of your deepest inner feelings about your relationship.

You might as well break up now becasue this isn't your "last a lifetime match."

Something is missing and you have some growing up to do. If your BF was perfect in every way for you then you wouldn't have done what you did.

I will not offer you comfort here. What you did was wrong and you did it on purpose. You could have very EASILY just sent him on his way. But you liked it, wanted it and needed it. You did not stop it and you had NUMEROUS opportunities to do so.

It's like a murderer feeling sorry for killing someone after the fact. Doesn't change the fact that they still did it and they could have just as easily chose NOT to do it.

Your guilt after the fact doesn't make it a non issue.

[shelby644644]

Aw Rich... that's a bit strong. At least she feels guilt which is a lot more than some people. And she did stop it before it went too far and she won't do it again.
We've all made mistakes in the past but we learn by them. That's life. The important thing is the learning.

[Canuck3522]

I probably would have written the same thing if I read what I wrote. I know what I did was horrible and I know that I should have stopped it earlier and I know that my relationship is not perfect. I would die if I found out that my boyfriend did this to me, so I know I am wrong in every possible way. I am not trying to deny it. I am just scared and confused because I do love him and I can't imagine losing him. I did not let things go as far as they could have, but it is no excuse. The thing is that I don't think I can break up with my boyfriend or live without him. I guess I'm selfish because I cannot let him go, so I willmost likely take this secret to my grave and deal with the torment and guilt forever. I did come to this forum to get advice and to talk about it, but I don't expect pity from anyone.

[shelby644644]

I'm not pitying you Canuck... just telling it like it is. A mistake. You've learnt from it. That's the most important thing.

[Canuck3522]

Yes, a huge mistake that is killing me. I never thought that this could ever happen. At the time it actually didn't cross my mind. I told this guy no and said that I loved my boyfriend. he laid off, but later on it just happened. It did not go very far, just a quick grope and one short kiss. After the kiss i got up and left, which I should of done way before hand. I too question the reason as to why I did this, but i do not question the love I have for my man.

[eightball61]

Together, "Trust" & "Honesty" carries a relationship a long way........

[shelby644644]

Eightball,
Do you really think that telling her partner is going to make it better. All that does is alleviate her guilt and then you have two people in pain rather than one. Telling him is the more selfish option! It may make Canuck feel better but it sure won't make him feel good! This was a small mistake and should be forgotten, learnt from and moved on from.

Don't get me wrong, if she'd said she had had an affair, really cheated, physically or emotionally, then I would be telling her to get over herself and leave her boyfriend to someone who really cares - but this was ONE mistake. The pain she's in is punishment enough.

[eightball61]

The pain she's in is punishment enough.


She's stuck....if she doesn't tell him then the guilt is going to drive her insane and eventually she may tell him which will be worse because she waited. If she tells him now she risk losing him but at least she let the mistake out and she can sleep better.

Either way she is taking a risk and thats why I told her that its up to her on what she does.

[Rich]

A bit strong, yes, but honest.

She has strong physical urges that won out over doing the right thing.

Nothing wrong with that. We all have them. The trick is to control them.

People often joke that most men think with their small head. How would that joke be turned around for women? lol

I just think that she needs to get to the root cause of why she allowed to happen what she allowed to happen.

The most telling comment is the one where she says that she would be with this guy if she wasn't with her BF.

You know why that is so telling?

When most people talk about marriage and of commitment, they speak to it because they feel that they have found THE one person for them. The ONE person that provides them everything that they're looking for in a mate.

Seems like Canuck has found two such people. If the only thing holder Canuck to her BF is that she was with him first, then that doesn't speak to finding THE ONE.

I'm guessing that if she were to marry her BF, that it wouldn't last. The love isn't strong enough. Afterall, she found another guy, rather easily, who can offer her the same qualities and feelings as her BF.

Just my opinion.

[shelby644644]

You know what I've realised lately - there isn't a ONE. There are probably many ONES. Not that you'll ever meet them all or have relationships with them all but there is not just ONE person for each of us. There isn't just one person we're compatible with. If there were, how come we almost always find them in the same town / country. That's too much of a coincidence.

There's probably two or three people living within a few kilometres of each of us that we could spend our lives with... there's probably a thousand people across the world that we could be soul mates with.
That's just my feeling now...

[eightball61]

You know what I've realised lately - there isn't a ONE. There are probably many ONES. Not that you'll ever meet them all or have relationships with them all but there is not just ONE person for each of us. There isn't just one person we're compatible with. If there were, how come we almost always find them in the same town / country. That's too much of a coincidence.

There's probably two or three people living within a few kilometres of each of us that we could spend our lives with... there's probably a thousand people across the world that we could be soul mates with.
That's just my feeling now...

There will always be someone for someone. When getting into a relationship though you have to treat that person like they are "the one". The human mind likes to wonder around and if you allow it to get out of control then stuff like this happen. A person needs to be more stable and in control of thier mind when in a relationship.

I too wonder if someone out there may be better for me but whats the point in looking when I am perfectly happy with my GF? I just grab control of my thoughts and gear them in the direction where they should be and thats Concentrated on my current relationship.

It's all about being in control of yourself.............

[Canuck3522]

When I said that I'd date this guy if I was single I meant go on a date. I know that him and I could never be like my boyfriend and myself. There is so much in that guy that I could never accept in a serious relationship. My man and me fit, we just work. I love my man deeply and we plan on spending our lives together. I don't want to hurt him like I have hurt myself.

[Howard]

Together, "Trust" & "Honesty" carries a relationship a long way........


That's what makes a relationship go a long way. :)

[eightball61]

. I don't want to hurt him like I have hurt myself.


You allready have..................... :(

[Diablo]

There is no reason for her to tell him. People in long distance relationships get lonely and get to missing the things you can't do from a distance. You guys are acting like she humped her sister's husband. She started to get tempted, then skeedaddled. It is not something to jeopardize the relationship over; which telling him would probably do.

[eightball61]

People in long distance relationships get lonely and get to missing the things you can't do from a distance.

's work wonders in situations like these :p


It is not something to jeopardize the relationship over; which telling him would probably do.

Diablo, she allready has jeopardized the relationship. She could have taken it further but didn't. She did take it to the cheating level though. Either way there is no excuse for what was done. If she can't handle a LDR then she shouldn't be in one. Either way this could have been prevented but it was allowed up to a certain point. She is a big girl now and its her decision on how to take this. She says she has learned from it and that may be true but it won't take the guilt of her wrong doing away.

[SALly]

I see no need to tell him. Maybe he did the same thing.....who knows... I doubt he would tell her. I don't understand why people get so serious when they aren't even close together. It just makes it so hard and creates so many problems.
Anyways, I've cheated and don't have any lasting guilt about it. I did it, regret it, etc.... but I'm not sitting her dying because I feel the need to tell him. I guess I'm just a heartless B****.

[eightball61]

I guess I'm just a heartless B****.


Your not being heartless.....You have manage to put in in the back of your mind and move on. Some people just can't do that. If the guilt is bothering her now it may not get any better. If she continues to hold the guilt in she may just eventually have to tell him to get it out. If it came to that its better to tell him now than latter.

Either way he won't be happy.....so I guess the only thing she needs to look at is whether she can live with this lie and try to continue the relationship like it never happened.

[SALly]

Yeah I guess- so it depends on whether she feels the need to tell or can just get over it knowing she learned her lesson and will never do it again. Although, what about next time alcohol is involved..... she will get those same feelings again- to flirt with someone---what then???? I went the other way and learned that hey- I can cheat and no one would really know if I didn't tell. It was actually pretty easy. Hopefully she won't take that route!

[eightball61]

Hopefully she won't take that route!

If "Guilt" bothers her that much I don't think she would be able to handle that route.

We all make mistakes in life. Is best she just learn from the mistake and take her actions from there. I do suggest when she goes sees him this weekend that she gives him a great big bear hug :D

[teejaye18]

i would tell him. if you decide not to and then later on he finds out about it, it will be a lot worse and more devestating to your relationship.

[Diablo]

Except for the fact that nothing really happened. She was tempted, but when push came to shove, she got herself out of there. I don't think she should say anything about it because chances are that he'll think they humped until they wore themseleves out. I just don't think that telling him is worth the risk since she did back out on a roll in the hay.

[eightball61]

I just don't think that telling him is worth the risk since she did back out on a roll in the hay.


Either way she still took a risk and went beyond the boundry with someone else and now she will be risking whatever decision she makes.