need advice

[teejaye18]

my boyfriend doesnt trust me. i dont really have any contact with any other guys. how do i get him to trust me?

[Diablo]

How long have you been with him? Trust takes time to develop; however, if he's suspicious of you and you haven't given reason to be, he could become a royal pain. You can't really hurry someone on trust. It starts when you have an opportunity to take advantage of the other person and don't do it.

[eightball61]

We need to know a little more about your situation:

Why doesn't he trust you? Is it something you did in the past? Did he have a bad past relationship? Is he abusive or controlling?

Please share so we can try to help.

Thanks.

[teejaye18]

well he did get hurt pretty bad from the last relationship and now holds that against me. like he thinks im going to be just the same. so he gets jealous when i come in contact with any male. and he thinks there cannot be a male/female friendship without there being some kind of ual thing going at some time in the friendship.

[SALly]

There is nothing YOU can do, HE needs to heal and learn to trust again.

[eightball61]

well he did get hurt pretty bad from the last relationship and now holds that against me. like he thinks im going to be just the same. so he gets jealous when i come in contact with any male. and he thinks there cannot be a male/female friendship without there being some kind of ual thing going at some time in the friendship.

Read your post again and ask yourself this:

"Will I be able to hold a successful relationship under these conditions?"


Many people get hurt from thier past and the biggest mistake many of these people do is bring it into a relationship. He is not helping out the relationship and you both can't grow when you are feeling like this. My suggestion is tell him how it is and what you expect. Also, let him know that you are there for him but you are not going to allow him to treat/control you like this. If he continues after this point then you know he will not change and you'll have to make the decision on what's best for "you".

Take Care

[teejaye18]

thnks for responding. any advice on communication? i am a very shy person and keep to myself. its hard for me to open up to people. i find it easier to get thought out by writing them but communication is very important in a relationship when i come face to face with my boyfriend i have a hard time getting ALL the words out that i want to be said. and suggestions on how to make this easier??

[SALly]

thnks for responding. any advice on communication? i am a very shy person and keep to myself. its hard for me to open up to people. i find it easier to get thought out by writing them but communication is very important in a relationship when i come face to face with my boyfriend i have a hard time getting ALL the words out that i want to be said. and suggestions on how to make this easier??
I'm the same way. My only suggestion is to write a letter. Tell it all, spill your guts. Then give it your bf while you are there.

[eightball61]

My only suggestion is to write a letter. Tell it all, spill your guts. .


Good Suggestion, SaLly.

[teejaye18]

ok new topic. friendship. what is it? what does a friend do? ---after 8 months my bf doesnt concider me a friend. not sure what im doing wrong there i thought i was friendly, i think this also refers back to my not being able to talk openly.

[SALly]

Why do you think he doesn't consider you a friend.

[eightball61]

How old are you both?

In a relationship your partner is always your best friend.

[teejaye18]

im 18. he's 24. i dont know y he doesnt think im a friend. all my old friends are off to college and going their own ways he's the only friend i have now.

[eightball61]

I hope he is not in this relationship just to have a piece of ass. The way he is acting is something a real boyfriend wouldn't act like. You being younger and starting to get out in the world may have an impact on his insecurities. In order for this to work he gonna have to be more open, more stable on his insecurites, and most important consider you his friend.....I mean if you are not his friend then what the hell are you??? :confused:

[teejaye18]

he says im the girl that he wants to be his last. and that we could end the ual part of the relationship and he would be fine with that. he says he needs a friend a soul mate not a lover

[eightball61]

he says he needs a friend a soul mate not a lover


Then as a 24 year-old boyfriend he needs to start considering you his friend rather than a lover.......He is contradicting his own wording.



I really don't know what to say beyond that :confused:

[teejaye18]

alright. thanks so much!!

[eightball61]

I know you stated that you are shy but if you wanted a change to happen from your questions then you'll need to speak up to him. You need to tell him what you expect of him as a boyfriend and if he can't comply with that then he can't have you. You have to think about how much this relationship really means to you and what it means to him. A relationship is never perfect but when both couples want the relationship to succeed they will work together and not alone.

Please keep us posted if you can. Take Care :)

[teejaye18]

my bf has asked me to leave him the f**k alone but i really want to try talk to him about all this stuff. this is really important but do i give him his space and for how long??

[Howard]

TJ,you should have a long talk with him.He shouldn't be saying that to you. :mad:

[eightball61]

my bf has asked me to leave him the f**k alone but i really want to try talk to him about all this stuff. this is really important but do i give him his space and for how long??



What happened now???:rolleyes:

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are confused and hurt all the time? Do you want to be in a relationship where you always need to question things?

Take my advice:

You are young and you don't need this in your life. It's only hard to let go because he probably was your first everything. Break up with the asshole and then go out to do stuff for yourself. While you are out doing that try to settle in a relationship where your partner respects you.

What are your goals for the next 5 years? Do you have any??? I can guarantee you won't accomplish any of your goals while dating this asshole & I will put money that.........Are there any starting bids??? :p

[SALly]

my bf has asked me to leave him the f**k alone but i really want to try talk to him about all this stuff. this is really important but do i give him his space and for how long??
Then leave him the f**k alone!!!!!! Apparently he doesn't want to talk about it.

[eightball61]

Then leave him the f**k alone!!!!!! Apparently he doesn't want to talk about it.




Ahhhhhh....short-n-sweet...I like it :p

Good advice Sally ;)

[SALly]

Ahhhhhh....short-n-sweet...I like it :p

Good advice Sally ;)
Oh you should see me in uniform----- hahahahaha---sorry just being a goofball!!!

[eightball61]

I'll stay on the clean track ;)

[teejaye18]

ha ha yes i have goals im hoping to start college in july. well actually what happened was he told me 3 days ago that he didnt want to see or hear from me til i got my stuff figured out. but i didnt leave him alone i felt it was important to bring up certain things which lead to an arguement and once again told me to leave him alone. last night i text hi and told him that i hoped i could be his friend, i kept it short and expected no response. he had never called or text me back unless i had called/txt first but this morning HE text me. i thought this was a little weird since he's been so angry at me.

[SALly]

What did he say in the text first thing this morning.

[teejaye18]

nothing special just "good morning" but he never does this when he's mad at me so... ??? i dont know mayeb he's cooled off a bit?????

[eightball61]

well actually what happened was he told me 3 days ago that he didnt want to see or hear from me til i got my stuff figured out..


YOU have YOUR stuff figured out. You are going to college and going to establish a life. You need to see the reality here and this guy is trying to claim ownership of you. You don't want your life to be run by your partner. Once he weakens you then he knows that he owns you and you'll never go. Once you are weakened by him then its going to be hard to leave. Many guys that are like this turned out to be abusive and cheat. He allready verbal abuses you for no reason and that is a clear sign. YOU need to be stronger before he totally weakens you. YOU need to stop being blind and see what I see.

[teejaye18]

i see what your saying.....thnks

[SALly]

You need to stop letting this guy make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong. Don't give in. I understand you have no one else right now, but that's why he can do these things and play these mind games with you. You will meet so many new people at college!!!

[teejaye18]

thnks a lot guys i appreciate the advice.

[eightball61]

i see what your saying.....thnks


But what do you want out of this? Do you want to be controlled? Do you to stay in a relationship like this?

[SALly]

What stuff does he want you to get together?

[teejaye18]

well i dont want to be controlled but i really love him so i would like to try to work it out an see what happens but if it doesnt work then im not going to want to stay with him. -- i wasnt even sure what stuff i was suppose to figure out, i asked him and he said "if you dont know now u never will". i think he just wants me to be more talkative and be able to communicate a little better

[eightball61]

i think he just wants me to be more talkative and be able to communicate a little better

Your making excuses again...Look through your post again at some of the things he has done/said to you and say this quote to yourself again. I do like you plan in trying things out but if he continues his ways then you know what you need to do. Relationships are based on partnership and not ownership. He needs to be a team player and if he can't then you must move on before he weakens you more.

[teejaye18]

ya your right! but i still havent really talked to him so i want to see if all this can be worked out and if not then im outa there!!

[SALly]

well i dont want to be controlled but i really love him so i would like to try to work it out an see what happens but if it doesnt work then im not going to want to stay with him. -- i wasnt even sure what stuff i was suppose to figure out, i asked him and he said "if you dont know now u never will". i think he just wants me to be more talkative and be able to communicate a little better
Him saying if you don't know now u never will- isn't communicating either.....how can you do something when you don't even know what it is.... and if it is you opening up more-- it isn't like you can just flip a switch and be different all of a sudden. He doesn't seem real "caring".

[teejaye18]

ya this is going to be a big change in my life and i dont think he understands how its really effecting me. ive been quiet and kept to myself and didnt show my feelings for 18yrs an now all the sudden ive got to change everything. i dont deny that it would benefit me as well as him but ..i dont know if he understands just how hard it is for me to change so quickly

[SALly]

ya this is going to be a big change in my life and i dont think he understands how its really effecting me. ive been quiet and kept to myself and didnt show my feelings for 18yrs an now all the sudden ive got to change everything. i dont deny that it would benefit me as well as him but ..i dont know if he understands just how hard it is for me to change so quickly
I was the same way- so I understand....you can do it though. Keep your head high and do your best!

[teejaye18]

ya its gonna be hard but i know i can do it

[eightball61]

ya your right! but i still havent really talked to him so i want to see if all this can be worked out and if not then im outa there!!

In order for it to work out you both have to communicate together. Without communication your problems will not go away....

[SALly]

You could start by telling him you will try your best to work on it, but can he please be patient with you?!

[teejaye18]

i have asked him that several times...he says he's noticed a small change but that he still feels lonely

[eightball61]

i...he says he's noticed a small change but that he still feels lonely


It's always about him....What about you? This is why you need to communicate with him your problems and be strong to him.

[teejaye18]

i know i know its just hard thought cus he's had a rough time the past few years and he really has no one else but me (no family, no friends) and he tells me that he really needs a friend right now and when he tells me that im all hes got but that he cant consider me a friend, i feel so bad cus i want to be there to comfort him but he makes it seem like im not there

[eightball61]

i know i know its just hard thought cus he's had a rough time the past few years and he really has no one else but me (no family, no friends) and he tells me that he really needs a friend right now and when he tells me that im all hes got but that he cant consider me a friend, i feel so bad cus i want to be there to comfort him but he makes it seem like im not there


Well if its that hard for him then he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship until he fixed his self-esteem & personal issues because its not fair to you that you have to suffer.

[SALly]

Like I said before- HE is the one that needs to deal with his issues, not you..... You can work on your issues, but don't let him make you feel like you are the problem here! You don't need to do anything to help improve his happiness.... HE does!

[teejaye18]

well my bf has been a friend of my family for a very long time so i had noticed that he was having a rough time prior to us getting together but i had an attraction to him for so long and when i saw him having a hard time i guess i sorta got that instinct that many women get...i saw him hurt and immediately wanted and thought i could fix it!!

[eightball61]

i saw him hurt and immediately wanted and thought i could fix it!!

Giving up yourself doesn't fix problems. It puts the problem on hold for a little but then it creeps back. You are not a super hero and you can't fix his problems waving your majic stick around. You now have learned that only "HE" can fix his own issues.

You are now at the point on deciding if you are going to wait around for this change to happen(if it does). You need to stand strong to him and tell him what you expect out of him as a BF and that you are willing to help when can but you are not going to stick around while being controlled. This will continue if you don't stand up for yourself.

[teejaye18]

well over the last few days ive felt a big boost in confidence and i really think i can do this now. i know that all this isnt going to change over night but with better confidence i think we can make this work. he text me last night and we talked for a while and i was really please with how it went so its just that much closer to ..whatever it is that is going to happen in the end.

[eightball61]

Hey teejaye18,
How are things going in your relationship? Any positive change?

[teejaye18]

yes things have gotten better. i called him after all this drama and just acted like a friend ans talked about my day and his day and u know just small talk and then he asked me to come to his house so we could talk. we layed in bed for a while and talked and watched tv. im calling him more often to tell him anything and everything that happens during the day and ill tell him things that are on my mind...just as a friend should do and its really working out for me. our relationship has gotten a lot better in the last few days ...its great!!

[eightball61]

Thats great news that you see things are getting better. Hopefully, he will mature some and not be so distrusting and also consider you a friend since you both are in a relationship together.....Thanks for that update :)

[teejaye18]

ya everything is good right now so i am hoping things will stay that way. if there are any changes or if i have any other questions i will let you know, the advice is greatly appreciated!!!

[teejaye18]

what do you do when you n ur partner dont have anything in common??

[eightball61]

what do you do when you n ur partner dont have anything in common??

Look, I don't know how to make this polite so here goes.....

You need to go through your whole post again. This guy is not the one for you. This is the guy that doesn't trust you, doesn't consider you a friend, and now you are realizing that you both don't have anything in common. Typically this means you are at the end of the rope. You are young and you don't need a guy like him. He has a lot of internal issues he needs to solve before he every goes into a deep relationship. You have allowed your BF to over-rule you and you don't even see it.

I am not going to answer your question and I apologize for it. My view on your relationship at this time is that you need to move on. You may not agree with me now but in a few years your mind will matue and you'll see what I am saying. I prey to god that you are not in this relationship in a couple of years but that will be your call.

[teejaye18]

well maybe ur right the right one for me. i guess i want so bad for this to work out that maybe i refuse to see whats right in front of me??? but i really want us to stay together so im determined to make it work!!!

[eightball61]

but i really want us to stay together so im determined to make it work!!!

Thats fine you feel this way but you have to remember that in a relationship you & your partner; must be happy together, trust each other, compromise to each other, communicate with each other, be the best friend to each other, and also be honest with each other........

Your relationship currently lacks a lot of these traits. In order for you to build a successful relationship then these traits need to take place. You seem to have the right mind for what it takes to have a successful relationship but he differs and that will make it tough to build a future under these conditions.

[cera627]

I know I am not the best to be giving advice since I recently posted a concern with my relationship, but having dealt with this thing in my relationship I thought I would put down my thoughts. I see a lot of similarities between your relationship and mine. I, like your boyfriend, had a hard time with trust at first because of prior relationships. I knew my boyfriend was a good person, but my mind didn't want to turn off. It was tough for him, but after a while I finally just told myself that this man is great and I have no reason to worry. Of course sometimes I still get the what if in my head, but I have learned to laugh at it and just tell myself to shut up. So it will take him some time to develop trust so don't try to rush him. However, if it gets to the point where it hurts your relationship or he seems as if he will never trust you, that is when you really need to sit and think about where you guys are headed. Then again when I really look at all you have said I think you need to sit down and think about if you want this relationship anyway. Once you sit and think about it and if you decide you do want to be with him then you can think about the trust issue and work on that. Also, I am extremely shy and love to write my feelings down just as you said you do. If you express yourself better through writing don't hesitate to write it all down and then sit with him as he reads it so when he is done you can discuss his feelings on it together. When my boyfriend and I are having a serious discussion and he knows I am holding back my feelings he always tells me to get something to write it down. It works.

[teejaye18]

ya were gonna talk some more tonight. we had another set back in the relationship just as things were getting better but im hoping we can work through this one too, but this ones a big one so its going to be really hard. i have a bunch of questions written down that i want to ask him. so we'll see how it goes.

[eightball61]

Hopefully you get your answers on your question. You have remember that you can only put so much effort by yourself in a failing relationship. Relationships take two people to work and if he is not going to add his end to the bargain then you gonna have to move on you or all this all will continue.

[teejaye18]

i know everyone has told me that if this keeps happening he's just going to drag me further into the hole with him and i realize this but im hoping we can fix it and prevent this from happening. before things were bad but then we talked and things started to get better and now this.. im thinkin if after this things dont really change me and him are going to have to split up.

[eightball61]

You can't keep living in an imaginary world. If I was you I would use these questions as the last saga to where the future of the relationship is heading. You both are having more bad times than good and thats not healthy.

[teejaye18]

well ya thats what i mean i have a list of questions to ask him and i am going to use them to determine whether or not it is even possible for us to be happy together and see if we even have a future together. we cant keep going on the way we are not...if we did it would just be a long and crazy road to being lonely