My guy is still searching dating sites!!!

[needtoknow]

Well, I've been living with my guy for a year now. We are happy togerther and we hardly fight. We have a good life, we do things togerther and we get along. Well, as you all may know, when you share a comp with someone, you can see what they do by going on history. I've always checked history....even before him. Recently I went on history and saw a new dating site. I went into it and found his profile etc since I figured out his password. I know I shouldnt snoop but I had to. Hes been chatting with several girls, not saying anything special but still chatting with girls, sending winks etc. One of the girls hes been chatting with more and he even asked her whats shes doing for the weekend and that they should talk on the phone sometime. I am furious but I am keeping my cool. I'm not sure what to do...confront him and blame him for trying to cheat etc...since I see this as planning to do something more..or leave it alone and keep checking till I get more info to nail him? Let me know...cause I cant believe that hes going behind my back doing this crap when he acts and says he loves me each day.

[eightball61]

What does his profile say? Is he listed as single? looking? ect.....

What else does he use the net for? Does he search at all & if he does how often?


It doesn't really matter though.... When being with someone for a year a partner shouldn't be doing things like this. There has to be a reason but its going to be unknown unless he is comfronted about this. I do sense there is a problem but its really hard to pin out what needs to be done unless you bring this matter up to him.

If he likes to chat there are other ways in doing so like aol, msn, or yahoo messanger. He shouldn't be on a dating website winking to other girls. Even though you didn't find anything to major there is still a problem and the only way to really get down to the bottom of this is to bring up your findings to him.

[needtoknow]

I will bring up my findings to him....but..I am sure that he may just move on to another dating site. He doesnt know that I use the history. He has his pofile listed as single which really upset me. He chats with these girls and I know that he also adds them to msn cause I found new pics of one or 2 girls on his received files documents. I think he is looking but I dont understand why...he seems happy and says he loves me everyday. If I confront him , he'll just pretend that hes just chatting and theres nothing to worry about. Maybe hes just a greedy man...he has something good..but still wants to check out other options. I will make this known to him cause I cant stand for this crap.

[eightball61]

I will bring up my findings to him....but..I am sure that he may just move on to another dating site. .


A "respectful" boyfriend will see the problem and will work with you to fix what has went wrong(Remember That).

If you hold this back then something more may happen like him meeting up with these girls. You need to make it known to him before the worse happens. He may be mad that you went through his private things but then again he should have never been doing these sneaky things. Don't make excuses on confronting him because you may have caught this before he took things to the next level.

[Howard]

Why would he want to search dating sites? Doesn't he love you? :confused:

[AlexCrystal]

GIRLFRIEND, WELCOME TO THE CLUB. THE CLUE WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ON A DATING SITE. The same exact thing happened to me. It is a hard thing to deal with because he hasn't physically cheated on you....well not that you know of. It is still cheating in my book. Confront him...bottom line. I wouldn't wait another day..because you know deep down inside you won't be able to move past it until you confront him...so save yourself days of misery.....CONFRONT HIM.
I'm very interested to see how he responds and what you do...please let me know....I'd like to see if it's the same crap my boyfriend told me.
Keep me posted...and if you want to see the advice I got from the great people here..you can look at my thread...I think it's called "is this cheating?"

[needtoknow]

Thanks Alex..I will keep you posted and I will confront him soon enough. Thanks

[eightball61]

you can look at my thread...I think it's called "is this cheating?"

Here's the link to AlexCrystal's thread:
http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=572

[Rich]

Why confront him?

Seriously. When you really think about it, why confront him?

Will things change? Will he say sorry and then things will be forgotten and you'll never worry again?

No. No. No.

You might as well just up and leave him right now and save yourself the anguish and bullshit.

Obviously he's not overly satisfied with you and your relationship. That's not a shot at you and it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. Shit just happens. He's still out there looking and that says it all about what he really thinks of you. Whether you want to believe that or not, it's the truth.

You need to just leave him. You'll never trust him again and you know that. It's just that simple.

If you want to go the drama route because that's what most insecure people feel a need to do. Then confront him and listen to all his bullshit. Then go through all the inner turmoil and denial. Should I believe him? Should I give him another chance? Is it my fault somehow? Can I trust him again?

At the end of the day you're going to be faced with the same question whether you confront him or not and that is, can I trust him? And your answer will be no.

Like I said. If you want the drama, then confront him. In the end you're going to wind up leaving him anyway. But if you want the heartache then confront him.

IMO I would take then next few weeks or month and position myself to just pack up and leave. Find another place and go. I would say to your BF as you're leaving, that you found out that he's still searching dating sites and that says all that you need to know about how he actually feels about you and your relationship. Goodbye!

If you stay becasue you feel trapped in that you have no where else to go, then that's your fault for becoming dependant on someone else to live.

This is just more evidence to anyone else on this forum that's contemplating moving in with their SO to NOT do it.

If you're engaged and it's close to the wedding, then do it. Other than that, keep your own place and your freedom. Don't get locked into something that will handcuff you and your actions.

You need to leave this guy if you're looking for someone to marry because he isn't it.

[AlexCrystal]

Rich is right...he normally always is.
BUT...the problem with it is this:

Most people can't just be that strong and literally pack their stuff, up and leave, don't confront and simply say "you've been on dating sites, that's all I need to know to tell me how you really feel about our relationship...goodbye"
If men and women could be that strong and walk out at the drop of a hat, this world would be such a different place. (better, of course and without all the bullshit) When emotions are involved....it's just not that simple.
The people that can do that, I commend.
I wish people could just except reality instead of having to dig for the "whys" and "hows" when things bad happen...always needing answers that in the long run won't help heal you any faster anyway.

But yes, Rich is right...what he said IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO....but literally doing it is a whole other story!!!! People are too "needy" of more facts and information to somehow try to figure things out or make themselves feel better....so they pick the other person's brain (the one that's hurt them) hoping they will say something that will "click" or make them feel better.

Anyhow.....best of luck. Please keep us posted.

Rich....I have a question for you (surprise, surprise, right?) :-)
Do you think in a relationship, that someone can make a big mistake and CAN BE FORGIVEN?? Should you always walk out and not look back when someone has wronged you in the relationship? (I'm talking about un-married couples)...

[needtoknow]

Well..guess what..I did confront him about it....At first he said that hed' been on those sites since before we met, then when I told him that hes been sending new messages in May 2005, then he realised how much I knew. He still tried lieing about it saying that girls sent him a few messages, then he opened up. He said that hes been stressed lately and he just needed other people to chat with or talk to about things, cause he cant talk about certain things with me. He says he likes the feeling of being attractive to other women and chatting with new women cause it makes him feel attractive and wanted. In otherwords, I dont make him feel like that lately (not true). He swore to me that hes just talking to new people and would never ever cheat on me, cause he always tellls them in the end, that he has a girlfriend. So he says!...He says that he has a right to talk to anyone he wants, and he can talk to girls if he wants to and I cant stop him from talking to other women. So I said that I'll make some new online friends too. He confessed to me that when he went to a friends house to hang out and play guitar...last week...(this i knew about), a girl had the hots for him and was trying to get him into a room, but he told her to back off cause he has a gf...(His story),,,,he let me know that he would never cheat on me. So I let it all slide and I said talk to whoever u want to, I cant stop u, but the day you cheat on me and I find out, then I'm gone...I said if you are thinking of doing that, then youre not worth my time...He kinda tried to twist things and stummered a bit...asking why I was going into his private stuff and that he will change all his passwords!! (more things to hide?)...I dont know...but I let it slide this time....but not sure how long this will last!

[eightball61]

What did his profile say anyway? Did it say that he was single? Was there any proof he told the girls he had a GF?

Either way you gave him a second chance. You stood your ground and I am proud of you for that. Now, its time to start working on what he said was lacking in the relationship. The best you can do is work on that together and see how things go.

It does upset me that he stated that he will change his passwords. That to me just shows he is "ok" with meeting people on other dating sites and will continue. As I mentioned he can use other forms of communication like aol or msn. instead of dating sites. He did ruin your trust with talking to strangers about your internal problems in the realtionship. This is something he should have came to you with and not strangers. This is something you both will have to work together on and lets hope the outcome is positive.

Goodluck

[Rich]

So you let it slide?

So you addressed the symptom (his still looking and chatting) but not the cause? Are you going to work on why he felt a need to speak to other women?

Why couldn't he talk to you about, whatever? It doesn't sound like you two have a great, solid and long lasting relationship if he doesn't feel that he can turn to you for support or needs.

What are you two doing to make your relationship better and stronger? Anything?

It sounded like your response to this situation is to go online and chat to other guys as in a tit for tat thing. That's a very mature way of handling things. :(

IMO you're basically sticking your head in the sand until the next time that he kicks you in the ass.

You're relationship is a dead end and you're wasting your time with this guy, but you just can't see that for yourself right now. To each his own and in his own time, I guess. Or her own, as in this case. :)

Going back to other posts that I have made on other topics. If you don't have a destination in mind and directions on how to get there, then you're just adrift with no purpose. That's you and your relationship right now.

Do you know what you want, relationship wise right now? Do you have a list of traits that you desire in a partner? How does this guy stack up? Do you even know what qualities a great, solid and long lasting relationship consists of?

Your BF fed you a bunch of bullshit and you're accepting it. He says....can't talk to you. Need to feel good about myself. Need to feel attractive. LOL That's all a cop out.

I wonder how he feels attractive by online flirting when you can't see each other? Unless he has met some of these girls behind your back? Must be working on his inner attractiveness. Too bad he isn't working on it for you.

Doesn't it make you feel sad that your BF needed to turn to strange females to get what he needs instead of turning to someone he supposedly loves?

And is this truly a need on his part, or is it the unspoken reality that he's not ready to be tied down and still wants to experience being with other women and he just can't be adult enough to break it off with you?

Dollars to donuts this guy isn't for you. You deserve better. I'll say that to you even if you can't say it to yourself. You deserve better.


Alex-

To borrow a line from a Mary Chapin Carpetner song. Forgiveness doesn't come with a debt.

Unfortunately most people can't totally forgive and forget. It takes a truly grounded, forgiving, secure and emotionally strong person to totally forgive. Most of us aren't evolved enough to totally do this.

To answer your question specifically, it depends on what the offense was and it totally depends on the person that was offended.

I will not say that the only course of action in all offenses is to leave the person that offends you becasue no one can accurately guage the level of sincerity in the apology, nor the level of forgiveness that someone posesses. All couples are different. All people are at different levels of maturity and God like ness.

Typically people who are more spiritually advanced are the ones that can more totally forgive and move on. They're closer to God, try to be God like in their decisions and more see the bigger picture of life in that we're all falable and if God can forgive, than so can they.

I guess it's all a view of life and what you figure your purpose is for being here on earth. How you want to live your life and what you'd like to advance your life towards.

In this posting we can see that the BF really isn't sorry or apologetic for what he has done. He basically gave reasons for why he did what he did. He's not sorry for hurting someone that he supposedly loves. We can see the maturity level in the response that she'll just go online and talk to guys to get even. :confused:

I ask the question as to what type of relationship (destination) that she's looking to have because if she's looking to possibly get married to this guy, then she's doing nothing to fix the problems that exist after forgiving him. But it wasn't really forgiving as is was just letting it slide.

Right now she's letting it slide and waiting for the next time. She'll be checking his every move because there is no trust.

Definately sounds like the type of relationship that's worth staying in and keeping. :confused:

Wouldn't you say so?

In life we often need to step back and take a 5000 foot view of things. It eliminates the emotional aspect and gives us the whole perspective.

Like the saying goes. You can't see the forest through the trees.

Right now she's not looking at the bigger picture.

Enjoy

[needtoknow]

I never said that I'm letting the issues slide...I meant that I'm letting what he did slide..going on the dating sites. However, I do plan on discussing the causes of his actions asap and dealing with them. Obviously, he feels as if I'm not paying much attention to him, or he has some other problems with our relationship. I will talk about this with him because if its something that can be fixed, then I want to make it better. I hope that after our talks , he will have no need to go on any more dating sites, and if he continues, then I guess I'll have to let him go.

[Rich]

I wish you good luck.

My intuition tells me though, that you're fighting a losing battle because your BF still hasn't gotten the "being single" syndrome out of his system yet.

I think on a level that he still wishes that he was single.

It also sounds like he hasn't totally committed his heart to you 100%. That he's half in your relationship and half out.

Work on commitment and communication and good luck.

[eightball61]

I hope that after our talks , he will have no need to go on any more dating sites, and if he continues, then I guess I'll have to let him go.


The best way to eliminate this problem is to get rid of the damn computer.............

[thisismylife77]

wait until you have something more on him. me and my fiance are due to get married this may but recently i showed him how to chat *he's computer illeterate* well i looked at his archives ( i know I shouldn't have) and found that he's been talking to this one girl alot and his time with me has been dwindling. The hard part for me is that he doesn't tell her about me even though i asked him if he had and he said he did. * he lied to me* I feel betrayed. I wish I would of wait till i had more proof to confront him on because now he knows he needs to cover his tracks. Now he wants to move where she is and wants to delay the wedding for a year. I love him and I feel like he's trying to replace me. To me it's cheating. He even calls her love, sweatheart and other pet names. THe ones he use to call me. He gets defensive about her too. So my advice is to wait because you don't want to get stuck confonting him and not having enough evidence.