Difficult, perfectionist people

[Tigerlily]

Hi All,

I had written on one of the other boards and was referred here. I've been dealing with a situation at work that at times is really making me unhappy. I work with someone that I once considered my friend but since we've worked together I can pretty much see that she doesn't consider me good enough to be her friend now after some mistakes I made. In some of our past conversations she's mentioned other people and said things like "She's not someone I'd like to be good friends with, not my type of person because she's alittle odd". It's statements like this that tell me in bold letters that I'm probably in the catagory of "not good enough". She is a perfectionist and her way is always the best. It seems like anything I say anymore she gets defensive about. I have screwed up and stuck my foot in my mouth also, which doesn't help.

I try to be an honest and non-judgemental type of person but I just seem to come across wrong no matter what I do or say. I've gone home and cried more then once after she mentions every little mistake I make(a mistake in her book anyway). And heaven forbid if I come up with a suggestion about something, she always finds something wrong with it. She can't handle it at all if I get upset about something. Then I'm being too sensitive. So I can't win with anything. I just feel so alienated by her. :( Sorry such a long post. I just need some advice from someone who has dealt with this type of situation before. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post. T

[eightball61]

I can pretty much see that she doesn't consider me good enough to be her friend now after some mistakes I made.


Can you explain a little more further about your relationship with her?

What are some of the mistakes you have done for her to say this about you to others? Is she higher power in your job? What was the friendship like before all this started?

Thanks

[Tigerlily]

Happy Memorial Day and thank you for your post. I don't even know where to begin with everything I've done wrong. When I first met her we seemed to get along ok. I always did sense that she watches everything people say and do from the very beginning. She always seemed very cautious about everything and everybody. I did notice she was very organized in her thoughts and ideas about the way things should be said and done. She's a very plain looking person and doesn't show a lot of emotion, except when she's really mad. Me on the other hand am very emotional and get upset when I make mistakes. I am very hard on myself and have never had a great deal of self confidence. Even so I am a very friendly and caring sort of person and very forgiving.

Some of the things I've done that I guess screwed things up were things like getting upset when I had to do money when she was out sick. She does the money end of things and the figures. I'm not that great with figures and I get all upset and nervous and that drives her crazy. And I guess I came across as complaining when she had to be out because I was nervous about doing the money. I certainly didn't mean to come across as self-centered but she took it that way, I guess that I didn't care when she was sick or her kids were sick. Of course that's not true, I was just upset about having the responsibility of the money. I should have kept my feelings to myself. A lesson well learned.

When she is out due to being sick or something else she comes back and always seems to make sure to let me know what I screwed up, yet she gets angry if I get upset about the mistakes. One particular time, she was out for 2 days and I messed some things up with the money. For 2 days after she came back she kept telling me things she found wrong. I figured I needed to defend myself so I called my boss and told her I was sorry about a few mistakes I made with the figures. My boss said everyone makes mistakes and knows I am a good worker and it was no big deal. Well, when the lady I work with found out I called, all hell broke loose and things have never been the same. They were getting strained before that, but I guess for her that was the last straw. I know that was a mistake and I told her so but she is apparently not a very forgiving person. On top of that , one day I really stuck my foot in my mouth because I was angry my H didn't get a job because of a bad impression that 2 of his co-workers made when they got jobs with another company my H was trying to get a job with. I found myself telling my co-worker what creeps they were and low-lifes that went out drinking all the time even though they were married and went to strip clubs. I told her my H had no interest in that and I hated that he had to work with people like that. I was wrong and predjudice and I realize I came across really wrong because she said to me "Well, "my" husband goes out drinking and goes to strip clubs" I guess you think that means he is a bad person too." I felt bad and told her I didn't mean it like that but, too late, foot inserted in mouth, another mistake. I thought I was pretty good at keeping those kinds of thoughts to myself but I guess I had yet another lesson to learn. Kick myself in the ass again. Other things that happen are if I try to do any shortcuts that are actually harmless and save time, she gets annoyed. But if "she" finds a shortcut it's ok. It also doesn't help that we have to work with some older very moody women that complain about anything extra they have to do as well as their regular duties. She is right now deciding if she wants to work there next year or not. Personally, I don't know if I can stand another year with her alienation. She barely talks to me and when I tell her she's being awful quiet she just says, "well, I don't feel like talking right now". Me on the other hand always trys to be friendly and keep up a conversation. It just seems to get on her nerves. Frankly, it seems almost everything about me gets on her nerves. No one else feels this way about me and I have lots of friends, so this is really sad for me, especially being I used to think of her as a friend.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Sorry, to go on so long. I just needed to get this off of my chest. So there you have it. Maybe not every detail, but what I can recall. I really appreciate your insight and any advice. Thank you kindly, Dee

[eightball61]

At this point do you or do you not consder her a friend?

You said in that last post "Me on the other hand am very emotional and get upset when I make mistakes" and this could be the key to you problem. You say many times how emotional you are or even hate to hear when you have done something wrong.

In a job you have to understand that people will tell you bluntly when things don't work. Every work place will have a person like her. If you were to move to another job thinking things would be better it won't. The only thing you can do is accept things and only take things from the people in charge. If she is your boss then your just gonna have to deal with it. I could suggest moving on but that won't do any good.

If you just consider her a co-worker rather than a friend then that may be able to help resolve some of those issues. She will still be the demanding person as always and you'll still be the emotional one. You can't control your internal effects nor can't she. If you don't like her approach and you like how others do it then maybe call a peer-to-peer meeting with her and discuss your feelings. This may or may not work because she seems that type that may run and talk to someone else after.

You need to get yourself thinking that work is work and you can't get to personal at work because people will gossip. I have been at my job for 2 years now and I have a lot of people that I am friendly with but I have never hung out with any of them outside of work. I have always liked keeping this type of interaction and it has worked.

Try to keep everything at work and don't get to much personal with other co-workers. The other thing you want to try is not getting so personal with this girl. You know how she is and has an effect on you. Getting a new job will not change things. You need to find a way to accept things the way they are and just go to work to punch in and punch out.

I do hope this helps somewhat but its hard not ever being in your situation. Maybe some here will come across you post and share thier experience....Take Care. :)

[Tigerlily]

Thanks so much for your post and you are right about just keeping it work. I did used to be friends with her before we worked together, not close friends but enough that we went places with the kids sometimes. She is not my boss but has a more responsible position because she handles the money. When we both started working at another school we were on the same standing and worked together fine but now she is the most bossy, controling, picky and dictatorial person I have ever met.

Everyone else I have worked with has liked me and had no problem with me. This woman is just a hard, unemotional person and I guess I have to decide if I want to work in a cold business atmosphere or move to another school where I will be working with more then one person. And the answer to your question about her being my friend is no because that is her choice, not mine.

Unfortunately, on Monday she will be out and I will be stuck doing the money. When she comes back and finds mistakes I am just going to hear what she says and just say oh, sorry and nothing more and move on. If she continues to mention the mistakes I am just going to ignore her and if she doesn't like it "tough crap!". Oh well, I guess you can tell I am pretty fed up with the way I am being treated. I would NEVER treat even a dog the way she treats me. Well, off to deal with Mrs. Ice. She's usually moody the start of a new week so I can expect my usual cold treatement all day today. Sorry to go on too long. Thanks for your advice and for reading my post.
Have a great day! Dee

[eightball61]

If she continues to mention the mistakes I am just going to ignore her and if she doesn't like it "tough crap!".


This is a good plan Dee....If she doesn't like the way you do it then she outta have someone else do it. She has to accept that each person will do it thier own way rather than her exact way. You can only do the best you can and thats all she should ask for. In reality you are helping her out while she is away and your derserve a "Thank You" for that.

Goodluck and keep to your new plan.

[Diablo]

Perfectionists are royal pains in the butt. Especially those who hold others acountable to perfection. Perhaps you should keep your job and fnd another friend.

[SALly]

Kill her with kindness. Don't let her get to you. Be yourself. Everyone is different. Some people think they are perfect... some people know they aren't. Just be the best you can be.

[Rich]

What I don't get is why you're looking for approval from this person like it's going to mean anything more to your life.

This lady has some issues to deal with. The fact that she sounds like the controlling type and everything has to be in order conflicts with her letting her husband go out drinking and to strip clubs. Sorry, but those two don't mix.

The controlling type doesn't let that happen. Unless of course it's that she has no control over her husband because she is so plain looking and considers herself lucky to be married at all. That if she tried to control him that he would leave her.

Maybe that's why she's so controlling at work because she has no control over her personal life.

IMO, don't let what this person has to say bother you. Don't look for her approval on things to justify you feeling good about yourself.

What you do need to look at is why you make so many mistakes. Is it too hard for you? It's understandable to be nervous, but I'm sure we're not talking brain surgery here, so there's no need to be nervous. Learn to do your job and to do it well. Don't learn that for anyone else's sake, learn it for your own. Take pride in your work. Make it mistake free.

If you just plain and simple don't want to be responsible for finances, then you need to go to your boss and explain that you prefer not to do that when she''s out and if there is someone else that can do it, that maybe they should.

This lady is trying to control you and might even feel threaten by you. She's pointing out your mistakes so that her boss will feel a need to keep her around. She feels guilty about maybe missing so many days because of her kids and doesn't want to lose her job because of it.

If you're good at doing her job, then maybe they don't need her. So it's in her best interest to make you look bad. You need to understand that.

It's business. It's a dog eat dog world out there and people protect their domains.

You don't sound cutthroat so you'd better toughen up or get into something that's more your style.

Don't consider this lady your friend or try to befriend her. Get better at your job and just go about your business.

As for your opinions on people, you're entiltled to them. If you feel strongly about something then stick up for it. It's best though in business to just keep your mouth shut about people in general because you never know whose who or who knows who.

Toughen up!

[Tigerlily]

Hi All,

I just came back from helping chaparone an awesome 3 day camping trip with my daughter and part of her 5th grade class. It was great for my daughter and also for me. I was able to let my hair down(and it's literally down to my butt :)) and I met some really nice people. There were really cool activities and everyone was a real team. I also found that I am a likeable person afterall. I got to know almost all of the parents on the trip and had a great time with them as well as the kids. We did have one of those "controlling type women" on the trip but you can guess how much time I spent in her company. Thank the God above I didn't have to share a cabin with her. It was just me, my daughter and 5 other girls. I really felt happy and welcome and accepted by all. What I need to really see is exactly what you said. Some people just are that way and you just have to learn how to deal with them or in my opinion if possible spend as little time around them as possible.

Most people are not to such an extreme as the woman I work with and it was a breath of fresh air to be around down to earth people that weren't looking to pick me apart. As for my regular job, I do it fine. It's when I have to do the money end of it that I make the mistakes. Numbers is not my strength but I do the best I can and the best I can means mistakes sometimes. Unfortunately, there is no one else that does it when she is out but me so I just have to deal with it. It has to be done quicker then I am able to do it and do it perfectly so there are always going to be mistakes because of the time constraint. I really don't want to be moved to another school and start all over again, new people, new duties. I just don't want to go through that again anytime soon but depending how the school year comes to an end I'll have to make that decision. I do treat this woman very kindly, as I do everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if that actually bothers her that I am so kind and forgiving of people. She does also happen to be very plain, wears her hair extremely short, no makeup or jewelry. She is also pretty overweight, but I'm no skinny person either though. I, unlike her, seem to care a little more how I look. I'm not vain but do like to look as nice as I can and have long hair and do wear some makeup. We are a lot different in that way. Regarding her homelife, from what she tells me, her family is under "complete" control and no one gives her any trouble. Her kids all do their homework without being asked, go to bed on time, brush their teeth, get good grades and are well behaved. Who could ask for a better deal then that, but I do find it odd that someone in such control of herself and her life would allow her husband to go out drinking and out to strip clubs. That is definitely odd.

Anyway, I've gone on way to long. I just wanted to point out that it seems I've really let her do a number on my image of myself and when I got to look in a different mirror I actually saw a half decent image. I am no longer going to put any value in her opinion of me. I'm going to be cordial and kind and just do my job. I must confess though that I do dread this Monday coming up when she will be out and I have to do the damned money again, but when she comes back and complains about the mistakes I'm just going to let it bounce off of me with an oops, sorry and that's all she's gettin. Wish me luck on Monday. :eek: Just gotta get through that one last stinkin day doing the money, until the end of the school year. Hopefully she won't be out again for the last couple of weeks. Sorry so long, thanks so much for the great advice. Dee

[eightball61]

Most people are not to such an extreme as the woman I work with and it was a breath of fresh air to be around down to earth people that weren't looking to pick me apart.

This camping trip has helped take your mind for a positive turn. I am glad hear that you see there is great people out in this world. There are many polite people in this world but there are some odd-balls like the women you work with. I am glad you have new approach in not valueing her opinion. People like her feed off from people like you so they can feel better about themselves. You now see that you are better than her and I am glad this has came to your senses. Keep up this positive approach and you will have positive outcomes.

I am glad you updated us and I do hope things continue on the postive spin for ya.....Take Care:)

[Rich]

It still seems that you put an aweful lot of stock in other peoples opinions of you and I have to ask why?

You need to garner more self confidence and like yourself for you and not measure yourself by how others view you.

Work to gather more confidence in yourself.

You need to have the mindset that you're a good person, that you know deep inside that you are and that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. That if you do get a compliment or positive vibes from others about you, well that's just icing on the cake. But don't go looking for it to make yourself feel better about yourself.

[Tigerlily]

You are right Rich. I shouldn't need others affirmation that I am a good person. I know who I am and how I treat others. Whatever attitude or problem they have it is on them. I will continue to treat others as I would expect to be treated myself. Thanks for the reply to my post. Dee

[piratesmate]

I agree with what Rich said 100%

Tigerlily, you use this same screen name on another forum that I'm also a member on? LOL