Parents wont let me be with the man I love

[karam1a]

Hi...I've had a rather complicated relationship with someone for the past couple of years. We have always felt for each other more than was acceptable because he was married. At the begining of the year we took this further and we are now quite involved. I love him, he loves me...I can honestly say Ive never felt about anyone so completely as I do about him. He has told me that the mistake was that he never ended his marriage before commencing one with me. He has told me that for the past 5 years he has been unhappy, and that he has simply been stuck in it for fear of starting anew. He has discussed this with his wife recently, who doesnt know about me, and they have both amicably agreed on seperating. I thought that this was going way too smoothly and I cant believe how happy I am. But my parents have interefered and have forbidden me to be with him. He is 11 years older than me, the break up will leave him financially burdened and they have threatened both me and him. He earns very good money though and I know together we can make this work. I know this is out of love, but I have a right to make my own mistakes dont I??? I love my family and I need them 2 let me try. Please let me know what you think.

[eightball61]

May I ask:

How old you are and how old he is?

[karam1a]

Im 25 and he is 11 years older. Not that bad really. At 36 he can still work towards a sound financial future I would think. But they are afraid that he hasnt done so so far and things wont change. Also at the age of 25 I have made some investments which make me better off then he is at the moment. I know he's not materialistic...he cares for people. He is leaving most of the stuff to his wife because he wants to ensure she is okay. And I agree with that. During this seperation I have been heartbroken. I told him that by all means his wife should be feeling this way...and she doesnt. She is as keen to start anew as he is.

[eightball61]

I can understand your parents concern from the way you both started your relationship. They may have have the fear that he may do the same to you if you were to marry him.......If you really want to think about it, what makes you think he may not do the same to you????

You don't know so you can't say he won't.

You are 25 and old enough to make your own decision as far as I am concerned. You need to make a wise decison because your parents may just seperate themselves from you because of this. You need to think about what is more important to you and what will be there to the end.

If they are not allowing you to see him because of culture or religious beliefs then again you need to think about what is more imortant to you.

I don't want to sound like I am sticking with you parents decision. My goal is for you to think about what is best for you and what will be there until the end. This decision will cost you something no matter what and thats why you need to make a wise decision. Family is always important to have but so isn't starting up a life for yourself.

[karam1a]

Hi...yes, family is important. And yes...I have thought about that myself. Does everyone who cheats once cheat again???? I may be naive...I dunno, but I have faith in him. It may be blinded by love...I dunno. This chance can happen with anyone. If I start a relationship with somone else...what gurantee do I have that I wont be faced with a cheating partner down the track?????
My parents were able 2 accept him before they found out that he hasnt made any financial investments. After that they have threatened me with all sorts of things :-((( It is upsetting as I still live at home. Ive agreed with them that we will distance ourselves for a while and see what happens. I love him though...and I know this is hard for him. He has moved out and is all alone now and Im suffering because every instinct in me wants 2 comfort him... :-((((
What we both really want is an opportunity to start a relationship as it should have been. We dont want 2 rush into anything atm...just enjoy each others company....and see where it goes. So far we've had 2 be sneaky and cautious ...and we were both sooooooooo looking forward to stepping out of that. But now that my parents are threatening him and me we've been forced apart :-(

[eightball61]

But now that my parents are threatening him and me we've been forced apart :-(


You and him got into this situation because you both wanted to start something together. Instead of allowing your parents to put things on hold you need to move out to start what you both wanted to start. You may lose your family in the battle but it sounds like a choice you are willing to make. You know you won't be able to get anything started under thier roof so now you need to move out and start up in the real world like we all do.

[Rich]

A couple of things.

Does this guy have any kids with his wife?

My only concern would be that if he doesn't have any kids and that he was unhappy for the past five years, then why didn't he leave his wife before you?

That shows a lack of intestinal fortitude on his part. That he's a man afraid of taking control and doing what's best. That he'd rather stay in a bad situation instead of taking control, doing what's right and getting a divorce. That's not the type of man that you'll see in a long lasting and loving relationship. Unless of course you're the take control, wear the pants, type. Then it might work out.

Take it from me, getting a divorce is not easy both emotionally and financially, but sometimes it's what needs to be done.

If he doesn't have any kids to take care of, then he shouldn't just be giving his wife everything. Neither should he be giving her any maintenance or alimony. No reason to make his life tougher after the divorce just because "he's a nice guy". Or said another way, that he's afraid to stick up for himself.

There you go again, another sign of lack of backbone. I'm sure that you're going to see that more and more from this guy the more that you date him. Is that what you want in a husband?

If the wife wants to separate as well and from what you wrote, it sounds like she does, then this divorce should be a quickie where neither of them gets screwed.

The only time things get tough is when kids are involved. If kids are involved here, then you should really know what you're getting yourself into. Think twice and hard about becoming a stepmom the day that you say I do.

As for your parents, you're 25 and a big girl now. If they did their job correctly then they should trust in your judgment and ability to take care of yourself.

Make your own decisions but be prepared for distance from your family if you choose to be with this guy (if their love is that conditional). When you get married, then your spouse comes first before your family. Know that and feel that. If you can't do that, then don't be with this guy.

But this is your life to live and your lessons to be learned, so LIVE IT.

If you don't think that you and this guy will get married, then probably choosing him over your family at this point is not the right choice.

Once again though, I'd be cautious about this guy and his lack of inner strength to do the right thing. Is he wishy washy about other things as well? If yes, is that the kind of guy that you want to rely on the rest of your life.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he married his wife? What their problems are? Did he try to correct them? Why his wife was also unhappy? Did they want kids? Why didn't they have any?

Don't be blinded by your emotions of love. Open your eyes and go into this with a level head. See what you have here in this man. Take love out of the equation and see this guy for what he actually is. Can he be all that you're looking for in a husband? Do you actually have a clear list of measurable qualities that you want in a husband to even measure this guy against?

Whatever you do though, don't just be with this guy out of spite because your parents don't want you to be.

[karam1a]

No kids involved here. Your quite right about a number of things.Basically we havent had the opportunity to explore life in normal terms as yet. I wanted that opportunity but with my family in the way I cant.And I wont....Im disappointed with the things they've been saying...and just how conditional it is. I have a feeling that once I sort out some financial issues with them I will be free to move out. Even though Ive told the one I love that there is no future for us together. And that If it's still possible he should try patching up his relationship with his wife. But he said that that's out of the question. And wether Im in his life now or not he's not going back 2 that...they both want 2 start anew..and this was screamed at me!!!! He also said he had waited four years he can wait again. My heart is breaking :-((((
I know that he loves me...for goodness sakes, Ive seen him with tears in his eyes. He has agreed though to let me be, he never intended for anything like this 2 happen, and can see that Im a nervous wreck. I had 2 take time off from work coz Im crying all the time :-((((

[eightball61]

When you say " Even though Ive told the one I love that there is no future for us together". What does that mean?

Do you want to make this relationship happen?

If you say "yes" then you need to make it happen.

You are now 25 and need to make an adult decision for yourself. You can't keep allowing your parents to hold your hand. You need to make a stand for yourself and now is the time. They may part ways from you but that is the chance you are willing to make. There is no win/win situation here & if there was I would be suprised.

[Rich]

A bit confused about this.

Are you not going to be with him because of your family and some financial debts to them?

I'm confused on your BF's comment of waiting for
four more years. Does that mean that they are not separating until he meets someone else.

Were my comments on his lack of fortitude or will power an eye opener to you because there are more things that you've come to realize about him that you can't see having in a husband?

Thank God for no kids involved. I say that only for the kids sake and no one elses. With no kids this divorce should not leave him financially burdened at all. If his wife wants to also get out, then it should be quick and amicable. No doubt that she probably also has someone on the side, just like he had you.

Whichever way that you want to go I wish you good luck.

Something to remember though is that sometimes being with someone who is divorced is not a bad thing. Most people learn from their mistakes and go into their second marriage with a better understanding of what they want and what it takes to sustain a happy marriage. They try harder and don't do the same detrimental things. You sort of get an improved version of the person.

Well, that's how it should work anyway. But as we see from the Jerry Springer show, there are a lot of stupid, ignorant people out there. :o