eightball61
06-03-2005, 03:11 PM
I found some useful tips about Healthy & Abusive Relationships. I am supplying these facts courtesy of "Recovery Web Navigation".
I hope current & future posters will get a benefit to this information.
*Please feel free to share or add any thoughts.
Healthy Relationships:
Non-Threatening Behavior
Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.
Respect
Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.
Being emotionally affirming and understanding.
Valuing opinions.
Trust and Support
Supporting your partners goals in life.
Respecting your partners right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
Honesty and Accountability
Accepting responsibility for self.
Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.
Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.
Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.
Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.
Responsible Parenting
Sharing parental responsibilities.
Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.
Shared Responsibility
Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.
Making family decisions together.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Intimidation
Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.
Smashing or destroying things.
Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.
Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
Silent or overt raging.
Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
Making physical threats.
Using Emotional Abuse
Putting your partner down.
Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
Calling your partner names.
Playing mind games.
Interrogating your partner.
Harassing or intimidating your partner.
"Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.
Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".
Making your partner feel guilty.
Shaming your partner.
Using Isolation
Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
Limiting your partners outside involvement.
Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
Using jealousy to justify your actions.
Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting
Making light of the abuse and not taking your partners concerns about it seriously.
Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.
Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)
Saying your partner caused it.
Using Children
Making your partner feel guilty about the children.
Using the children to relay messages.
Using visitation to harass your partner.
Threatening to take the children away.
Using Male Privilege
Treating your partner like a servant.
Making all the big decisions.
Acting like the "master of the castle."
Being the one to define mens and womens or the relationship's roles.
Using Economic Abuse
Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.
Making your partner ask for money.
Giving your partner an allowance.
Taking your partners money.
Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.
What effect do abusive relationships have on the partners of abusers?
Both emotional and physically abusive relationships take a deep toll on the partners of abusers. Self esteem is worn down, sense of options evaporates, self-care is compromised, and the power of choice is eroded. Partners of abusers may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, extreme codependency, and suicidal ideation or attempts. The abused partner frequently clings desperately to the abuser, believing that it's all they deserve or will ever get.
Partners of abusers experience denial of the abusiveness, both from their partners and internally. This denial is very much like the denial experienced by addicts, and just as life threatening. Denial and the loss of self esteem often cause the abused partner to remain extremely loyal to the abuser. (Until the denial about the abusiveness is broken through.)
Chemical dependency in one or both partners is extremely common in abusive relationships.The isolation of abusive relationships provides an ideal climate for the progression of addictions.
There is a way out!!!
If you are in an abusive relationship:
Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.
If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.
*I also like to add that you can get a restraining order for your protection when you leave. If you do leave your partner then arrange to live with someone like a family member or a close friend until things cool down.
Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.
I hope current & future posters will get a benefit to this information.
*Please feel free to share or add any thoughts.
Healthy Relationships:
Non-Threatening Behavior
Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.
Respect
Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.
Being emotionally affirming and understanding.
Valuing opinions.
Trust and Support
Supporting your partners goals in life.
Respecting your partners right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
Honesty and Accountability
Accepting responsibility for self.
Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.
Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.
Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.
Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.
Responsible Parenting
Sharing parental responsibilities.
Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.
Shared Responsibility
Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.
Making family decisions together.
Abusive Relationships:
Using Intimidation
Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.
Smashing or destroying things.
Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.
Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
Silent or overt raging.
Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
Making physical threats.
Using Emotional Abuse
Putting your partner down.
Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
Calling your partner names.
Playing mind games.
Interrogating your partner.
Harassing or intimidating your partner.
"Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.
Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".
Making your partner feel guilty.
Shaming your partner.
Using Isolation
Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
Limiting your partners outside involvement.
Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
Using jealousy to justify your actions.
Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting
Making light of the abuse and not taking your partners concerns about it seriously.
Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.
Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)
Saying your partner caused it.
Using Children
Making your partner feel guilty about the children.
Using the children to relay messages.
Using visitation to harass your partner.
Threatening to take the children away.
Using Male Privilege
Treating your partner like a servant.
Making all the big decisions.
Acting like the "master of the castle."
Being the one to define mens and womens or the relationship's roles.
Using Economic Abuse
Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.
Making your partner ask for money.
Giving your partner an allowance.
Taking your partners money.
Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.
What effect do abusive relationships have on the partners of abusers?
Both emotional and physically abusive relationships take a deep toll on the partners of abusers. Self esteem is worn down, sense of options evaporates, self-care is compromised, and the power of choice is eroded. Partners of abusers may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, extreme codependency, and suicidal ideation or attempts. The abused partner frequently clings desperately to the abuser, believing that it's all they deserve or will ever get.
Partners of abusers experience denial of the abusiveness, both from their partners and internally. This denial is very much like the denial experienced by addicts, and just as life threatening. Denial and the loss of self esteem often cause the abused partner to remain extremely loyal to the abuser. (Until the denial about the abusiveness is broken through.)
Chemical dependency in one or both partners is extremely common in abusive relationships.The isolation of abusive relationships provides an ideal climate for the progression of addictions.
There is a way out!!!
If you are in an abusive relationship:
Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.
If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.
*I also like to add that you can get a restraining order for your protection when you leave. If you do leave your partner then arrange to live with someone like a family member or a close friend until things cool down.
Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.