what should i do

[only1]

Hi peeps this is my first post on here, and generally speaking isn't of a pleasant nature. Firstly I'd like to state that I have been with my girlfriend for the past 3 years. Secondly during the first 6/7 months I had come to learn that she had not been with one person(as she had originally told me) but three. Although she has told me that she had only kissed and had never slept with any of the blokes, it still caused me a lot of grief, as I had never been with anyone before her and to discover later in the relationship she had hurt me deeply, so much so I choose to cheat on her with a , in order to forget her past as it was tormenting me mentally and adversly having an affect on her.

Unfortunately it didnt seem to work and ever since I have lived with the guilt and shame as well as images of her kissing other men.

The fact that I slept with another woman whilst with her and she only kissed three other men is by any means very trivial but selfishly I can'not let her past go. Oneside of me wants to end the relationship for hersake aswell as mine, but I just can't bare to break her heart. Secondly she doesn't know about the one night with the and I fear if I reveal that I slept with someone in order to forget her past and it didnt work it will still hurt her. Telling her just isn't something I could ever do.

Really am stuck guys I admit that people will think lowly of me and I am prepared to take any comments as it is what I am worthy of.

[SALly]

So you slept with a becuase she kissed two other guys. How stupid. You need to just tell her and risk the consequences. Otherwise it will get worse as time goes on.

[inquisitive]

You've already broken her heart. She just doesn't know it yet. The only way you'll move past your cheating is if you tell her. You owe her that much.

Judging people on their past is wrong, and immature. Her past is part of who she is. She's with you, and you should've dwelt on that not the fact she merely kissed a couple guys.

Can I ask you why you took the drastic step of having with someone else (a of all people :confused: ) while she's only kissed others. Not to mention it was in the past before you?

[only1]

The fact is she didnt even kiss them while she was with me,that was her past (thats the total of her past) and more importantly she still wants to make a go of things, but I truthfully and selfishly don't think I can let go of her past (as stupid as it sounds) and want to let her go to let her be happy as I think apart of me will always hold it against her, but I cant bare seeing her face when I tell her.

[eightball61]

so much so I choose to cheat on her with a , in order to forget her past as it was tormenting me mentally and adversly having an affect on her.

.


Cheating will not get rid of these thoughts nor will help the situation. With your thinking I believe its best you end the relationship. You have to accept the fact that your other partners will have past and some people(like her) are not willing to share. To me the past is the past and should be left as that since you are in a relationship to build for the future. Knowing your partners past is a plus but not all people are that open and willing to share.

You as her BF should be a little more understanding than you are. You are mad because you think she hid something vital to you. There are bigger things to a persons past than kissing other people. I can't begin to count how many people I have kissed and I could care less if I ever told my GF.

Should this ruin a relationship???? NO, it shouldn't & thats why you are blowing this out of proportion. With your thinking I do believe you outta end the relationship with her. She doesn't deserve this kind of thinking from her partner when she decided to share her past with you. :mad:

[eightball61]

but I truthfully and selfishly don't think I can let go of her past (as stupid as it sounds) and want to let her go to let her be happy as I think apart of me will always hold it against her, but I cant bare seeing her face when I tell her.

Well its time to be a man and step up to the plate.....You got yourself into an adult relationship and now you need to end it like a mature adult would. You are being more so selfish & unfair by putting her through all of this.

Matters won't change though when you enter a new relationship. If you get bothered by kisses then you are going to be bothered by another partner's past. You have to accept that people will not talk about thier past on a first date. It takes a while to gain the trust of a partner and open up to them. This is what she done here and she is innocent.

[inquisitive]

The fact is she didnt even kiss them while she was with me,that was her past (thats the total of her past) and more importantly she still wants to make a go of things, but I truthfully and selfishly don't think I can let go of her past (as stupid as it sounds) and want to let her go to let her be happy as I think apart of me will always hold it against her, but I cant bare seeing her face when I tell her.

If you are ending the relationship don't tell you slept with a . That's abominable, and she doesn't deserve to be hurt like that if you're to immature to get over something that happened in the past.

I would suggest not getting involved in any relationship for a while. Everyone has a past. Now you have one. Not a very good one either. Do you want the person you're involved with next to hold it over your head?

[only1]

I don't know what will be worse though, living with what I've put her through or what I will put her through (after talks about marriage etc) breaking it off with her. Fortunately she's still only 20 and is quite young.

[eightball61]

Fortunately she's still only 20 and is quite young.


& how old are you?


Either way you can't live with this pressure and thats why you need to be fair and just end it. You both are adults and she has acted as one. You now need to act like an adult and make the mature decision.

[inquisitive]

Did you use protection when you slept with the ?

[only1]

[QUOTE=inquisitive]Did you use protection when you slept with the ?[/QUOTE

Yes I did. Part of me wants to try and work it out but deep down I feel that if I ever see one of the blokes she went out with while were together it ould cause us to argue. I'm 23. Maybe hard to believe but thats years not months.

[eightball61]

One way or another the relationship is dead....You can't let go of a kiss and you cheated on her. You have caused more pain to her then what you feel she has caused you. Be smart and just end it....

[only1]

I really can't believe what a bad person I turned out to be you know, Im sorry to burden you guys with this but I just cant share this with anyone else, the shame would be just too much, the thing that hurts me most now is not being without the person I shared 3years of my life with and so many happy memories but the fact I'm going to have to break her heart, the girl was crazy about me and I treated her like dirt by doing this deed.

[eightball61]

Well you can try to keep the relationship going but you will only succeed if you can drop her past and drop the guilt about cheating.....As far as you expressed its going to be hard for you to do since you can't let it go.

As you have learned "Two worngs never make a right"

[inquisitive]

You're not a "bad person". You did a horrible thing to your girlfriend. You have to learn from it, and move on since you can't get past the fact she simply kissed a couple other guys. Do it without hurting her by adding in the info about the .

Then try to figure out why the past is such a big deal for you before you get into another relationship.

Like I said before you now have a past, and not the greatest one. I'm sure you don't want the next woman to hold it over your head.

[only1]

my main concern is her wlefare once the penny has dropped, do you think she will able to handle it in time? I m just scared I'll mentally scar her.

[inquisitive]

Breakups are a part of life. Yes she will get over it. You will hurt her. That is inevitable, but it'll hurt more the longer you drag it out. If you honestly feel you will never get over the fact she kissed someone before you then the sooner you end it the better.

[AlexCrystal]

Are you serious? This girl has never cheated on you....she only kissed other guys before she even knew you existed!!!! How unfair you have been to her....and to sleep with a . Is sleeping with s to get even something you normally do? Because if it is...you will ruin every relationship you get involved in. Now, I don't mean to put you down...I'm sure you are a great person. You owe it to her to break up if you are not interested in being with her anymore. So would it be better to stay with her just for the sake of not hurting her?? Doesn't sound reasonable or logical....and once again, not fair to her. And, I would in no way, shape, or form tell her you slept with a . Honestly, if my boyfriend ever told me that during a break up....it would devastate me....more so than the break up itself. I don't know what you're going to tell her...but I highly suggest you don't tell her about the because she may never forget that and it could lead to her starting a cycle of distrust for the next boyfriend....and that's just not fair. I think you have learned from this, and that's an important thing....you just need to learn to walk into a relationship and not worry about the girl's past or hold it against her....especially if she's honest enough to tell you because she could easily lie and make her past look better than it is. At least your girlfriend was honest...that says something. I think breaking up is best for both of you. Are you still in love with her? If you could move past her past would you want to be with her? Or are you over her?

[martin120db]

Holy Crap Dude!!! You have seriously messed this up but good. Not only was she opening up to you and telling you the truth about her past, you went out and payed her back, and how. She made no mistakes, except for one-- trusting you. And you could not handle it. It is clear you can not be trusted.

You can not tell her about the . That is yours for life. You do not deserve to be in any kind of relationship at all. You need your breeding rights revoked, and to be quarantined from the rest of society. What kind of logic is "honest enough to tell me about her past" in any way equal to "sleeping with a hooker". What would you have done if she had told you that during a low point in her life she obtained money by turning tricks out on the street. You probably would have killed your self, and rightly so.

Unfortunately yes you are going to break her heart. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE HOOKER!!! You are going to have to lie again just to break it off. It is to late now to try and play the caring guy. I seriously hope that in your next relationships you are asked about your past and judged accordingly when you tell them that you saught the comfort of a hooker because your girl friend who you were talking marriage with, decided to trust you and open up to you.

Remember that she told you that she had only kissed. If you are the first person she has ever made love to, you are going to really break her heart. But she is to good for you and now you must give her up.

When you break up with her leave her alone cuz you will only make thing worse.


That is my judgement.

[eightball61]

I m just scared I'll mentally scar her.


She ain't gonna be happy if you end the relationship but she will eventually get over it. When you end things you don't need to go in detail about what you have done. Telling her the truth would be the adult-like approach but that will may cause her to have future insecurity issues. All you need to do is tell her that you want to end the relationship and just walk off. I know I am going against what I believe in but in your situation this seems to be the only logical thing to do. I know words are easier said than done but you need to do something soon because you are not being fair to her right now.

[only1]

You do not deserve to be in any kind of relationship at all. You need your breeding rights revoked, and to be quarantined from the rest of society.



I think your probably right about being quarantined from society

[only1]

I guess I didnt explain properly what actually happened to start with, okay when we first met I did know about one of the guys and my general opinion was that of normal people i.e. past is your past. After she told me about the other two fellas I was still trying to be mature and said to her aswell as myself that her past is just that and that it was hardly like she slept with them.

Then a few weeks later in conversation she actually told me in a joking manner that one of them had touched her there. That was it, that actually was the turning point in my life, as previously when we spoke about her past she told me that I was the first she had done anything with. That one comment of hers was to change my outlook drasticall on life, so much so I lost all trust in her and felt a need to know everything from her past, what the other two guys names were, where they met where she went with them and what she did with them. Stupid as it sounds I thought if I knew everything nothing would be able to shck and hurt me the way she did by telling me so late in the relationship.

Unfortunately it didnt work out that way and it caused me to be very bitter towards to the world at one point I contemplated suicide as everyday I would wake up thinking of her with someone else. Turned out that as before she just wasn't able to be open fully and that she had told the guy to back off when he tried touching her (she just couldn't tell me because she didnt think I would believe her-unfortunately it was too late, I would never be the same person again).

[only1]

I
drasticall

*Drastically

Everyday I tourmented myself about her past and almost everyday I would have to see a reminder about it by seeing places or people. Credit to her though as she tried to support me through it and be there for me.

Answering an older post the thought of never seeing her again saddens me deeply and is a very difficult to digest.

[eightball61]

Unfortunately it didnt work out that way and it caused me to be very bitter towards to the world at one point I contemplated suicide as everyday I would wake up thinking of her with someone else.

My opinion of the matter does not change. The only thing I will add to my oringal thoughts is when you do break up with her it may be best you see a professional counselor. I am not saying you are phsyco but you do have some internal issues that you need to express to a professional. You need to see a professional because of the thoughts you been having when she told you about her past of kissing guys.

I do understand that people get mad but those with a straight mind they know how to handle themselves the right way. There are people that have an unbalanced mind. When these people hear something they don't like they try to think of ways to make themselves feel better and these type of people are the ones seeking counseling and you need to also.

[inquisitive]

I think your probably right about being quarantined from society

While what you did was horrible, it doesn't mean you should continually berate yourself.

Learn from it. Don't do it again. I agree with 8ball it will probably be very beneficial to speak with a professional. There has to be some reason that you went to that drastic step. I understand being upset about her past. Many people get upset about partner's pasts, but they don't do something as drastic as sleeping with a to "get even".

I think it would be in your best interest to find out why you did it. From now on you have a past, and 99% chance that the next woman you're involved with is going to have one too. Before you get involved with another woman you need to figure out what caused you to do this.

[only1]

I know what I did is just terrible but unfortunately I still can't seem to let go of the thoughts of her being with someone else. I just cant seem to understand what is the matter with me.

[inquisitive]

That's why I suggested speaking to a professional about it. It would probably be very beneficial for you.

[inquisitive]

That's why I suggested speaking to a professional about it. It would probably be very beneficial for you.

[AlexCrystal]

Your thoughts and reactions about your girlfriend and what she did or didn't do in her past with guys is very unhealthy. I think your thoughts about the situation and not being able to get over it, constantly thinking about her with other guys, wanting to know every single bit of information about the guys...the prostitue...so forth and so on....is BEYOND EXTREME. It's just not normal. As others have said on this post, you need professional help. (and that's okay, nothing the least bit wrong with that). But bottom line, you need to get your thoughts and how you think about things under control....and fast. Because you will not be successful in any relationship until you do...and you may become destructive. I wouldn't take your thougths and actions lightly....go talk with a professional about it.

[only1]

Does everyone think I should end it with her then, part of me doesn't want to let go of her and the other part of me wants whats best for her, and truthfully I don't think I will deep down ever be able to let go of her past. Another factor detracting me from ending it with her is the fact we shared intimate moments together, something she only wanted to do with one special guy (i also feel I'd be letting her down by ending it now) I am intending to seek professional help now. I think it probably will be for the best.

[inquisitive]

Whether or not you end it is up to you. If I were you I'd go see a counsellor first. They can help you with the issues you have regarding her past, and why it's such a big deal for you.

If you don't end up ending the relationship you should at some point tell her about the . She has the right to know. She wanted to have that special relationship only with you, and now you've gone outside of it. She deserves to make the decision to stay with you or leave you.

[martin120db]

Dude, seriously get some help, talk to a professional about these feelings. You have some deeper issues that need some attention. then maybe you can learn to trust and accept. But for now please seek help and then maybe start again. It is going to take some time, years sometimes so dont think you can rush this matter.

Get help.

[eightball61]

Does everyone think I should end it with her then, .


"YES, I do"

You need to have some professional counseling done before you are ready to share your life with another person. At this point you can't handle your own and you need to seek personal treatment before you can move on to the next step in sharing your life with someone else.

That's my opinion but it does seem other poster do agree so you may want to consider this.

[fordchica42]

have you thought of what she'll feel like? you obviously know this girl very well, if you've been with her for 3 years... do you have any idea how she will react to this? does she know how you're feeling? have you been telling her you love her, and you want to be with her... and secretly thinking to break up with her? these are all thing you should think about before getting into a relationship in the first place. maturity is a big factor, and if you're not big enough to say, 'okay, she has a SMALL ual past, but i love her, so i can deal with it'; maybe you're not ready for a relationship. also, you should think of all these things before making a decision. personally, if my boyfriend told me all of this, i would kick him to the curb. but there are some women out there who feel differently about s and strippers... bottom line, you should tell her what you have done. if you still want to be with her, the decision will be left to her to make, and if you are through, you at least gave her the respect to tell her the truth. after all, she did the same.

[only1]

I just can't help but feel guilty everyday, honestly mainly about having to end the relationship after three years, at the moment we are having time apart as I just felt I needed to think for awhile, but mostly I keep telling myself that if I can't change and after what I did I should walk away for good. But the thought of having to tell her and the fact I might never see her again hurts me deeply.

[eightball61]

But the thought of having to tell her and the fact I might never see her again hurts me deeply.

This is your problem.....It's all about "you" and how "you" will feel. What about her? Damn she has feelings to.....:rolleyes:

These feelings of hers have already been hurt by cheating on her. You need to take that final step to be fair in this relationship. Right now you are only caring about yourself because you are stalling on breaking-up with her. It's your decision on when to end the relationship but you are not making anything better holding on with these feelings.

[AlexCrystal]

QUIT STALLING!!!
You are only making things worse. I don't care whether you break up with her today, or drag it out for another week....if you are going to break up...it is still going to have the same effect on her....so do yourself and especially her a favor....and break it off today. Step up and be mature....you've done some terrible things....at least do right by breaking up ASAP.