Ok eightball just a little chat about the hubby ;)

[littlesister]

Message removed

[SALly]

"I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane".......

I think this world needs a little more authoritive parents out there. What you are speaking of may have been a bit extreme but I see nothing wrong with making a kid with a smart ass mouth or one who swears sit there with soap in his mouth. The world was a better place back when people were held responsble for their actions a little more.
It's funny you should mention about his mother being molested at a young age. That is the same situation as my ex-friend. She was molested at a young age and has never dealt with it. I feel that is a lot of her problem today. But she tells everyone about it and uses it to sympathy--- which worked with me for a long time... up until he latest little stunt!!!

[SALly]

I get your point. I guess the examples you originally used didnt' seem that bad to me. The soap and the lectures..... not that bad.

[eightball61]

The funny thing is I really don't know what else to add to this issue.... I mean, we had a good discussion last week over the this situation and today you shed some light about his actions by talking about his past.

My thoughts are still the same as they were last week. I really don't think your husband is going to change anytime soon. You have adapted to his ways and found other reasons on why you stayed after all this. You have your heart on staying with him and that's the only choice that we can only work with. You said your gonna take it step-by-step & thats the best you can do.

Your & your children get hurt from this man at times but you see pass that. As long as you know what you want out of this and you'll get the happiness you want then I respect your decision because your doing the best you can.

[eightball61]

I don't think it will damage my son having his stuff removed from his room, but neither will it cause him to be a better person. ;)

The key word in this quote is "think". You don't know for sure what the outcome to the future is. :confused:

[littlesister]

The funny thing is I really don't know what else to add to this issue.... I mean, we had a good discussion last week over the this situation and today you shed some light about his actions by talking about his past.

My thoughts are still the same as they were last week. I really don't think your husband is going to change anytime soon. You have adapted to his ways and found other reasons on why you stayed after all this. You have your heart on staying with him and that's the only choice that we can only work with. You said your gonna take it step-by-step & thats the best you can do.

Your & your children get hurt from this man at times but you see pass that. As long as you know what you want out of this and you'll get the happiness you want then I respect your decision because your doing the best you can.



But what you did not see is he has changed in the past few years. He has come a long way when it comes to the kids. He may have had some issues come up that caused him to start over reacting again, and I need to talk to him about those things. My problems with him are when he hurt me the last time a couple months ago, I did not deal with that I turned my back to it and stuffed it all inside. I shut myself off to him emotionally and he didn't even know it. It has been a couple of years since he has been really out of line with the kids, until recent months and then for the most part he has been just y, and a nag... but eightball I can understand at least part of it. When you have kids they can push you to your limits!! You do not understand the agony they can put you through until you have one. I asked my mom why she didn't warn me about the heartbreak. She couldn't have because I could not relate to that kind of love until I experienced it myself. So take that and put yourself in a situation where your roll model was one woman who was emotionally crippled. He has never had a man until my father to show that kind of love... Yes I have lived with it for many years and I hated him part of that time. He has lied to me,,,, and all that comes with that, but even with all my ing about the man, I also see a man who wants so much to do the right thing.

Now if he starts down that road again and does not get back on track, I won't be able to stay, but I have to see what way he is going first, because getting a divorce will not fix things. And like you said for the most part the 3 older ones will be on their own soon enough, and he treats the little one more like a grandfather would ;)

[eightball61]

But what you did not see is he has changed in the past few years.

This is part of your step-by-step process and you need to take this change and build off from it. You need to tell him that you are happy about this change. Make it known to him the positive effects it has had for the children and also you.

He will still have his moments but your goal should be to work on where he is at right now.....

[littlesister]

Sorry to say, but I don't constitute a 2 week change into a long-term change. It's going to take more than two weeks to prove that this is a solid change. I am happy that you are reporting he has changed for the better in the last two weeks but still doesn't prove anything.

This is part of your step-by-step process and you need to take this change and build off from it. You need to tell him that you are happy about this change. Make it known to him the positive effects it has had for the children and also you.

He will still have his moments but your goal should be to work on where he is at right now.....



NO NO NO NO ;) you are not reading it right or I am not typing it right. My husband has changed a lot over the past 2 YEARS :) It has been the past few months he has gotten back into being a grouch and last week end was the very worse of that. It was like the bad ol times.... Now as far as last week end my son was NOT innocent he cussed at my husband and my husband lost it, so it turned into a yelling match.. My father had a few of those with my stubburn sister. I do not want to live like that anymore though. Now my husband went overboard with taking all his furniture out in my oppinion, but by the end of the night my husband and son were getting along. I still don't agree with his over reacting

[eightball61]

In the end I have to deal with stuff whether I want to or not.

That's only if you decide to put up with it or not.....

[littlesister]

This is part of your step-by-step process and you need to take this change and build off from it.

He will still have his moments but your goal should be to work on where he is at right now.....

ps it has been pretty much a step by step process the last few years,but when he got honest it was like he changed over night, again it has been the past few months that he has shown a bit of a backslide to his old self. Our marriage has been a step by step process and I almost just gave into my own middle age crisis ;) Well kind of.

[littlesister]

That's only if you decide to put up with it or not.....

(I love to go back and forth with you)

No honestly I have to deal with stuff no matter what my choices are. ;)

[eightball61]

NO NO NO NO ;) you are not reading it right or I am not typing it right. My husband has changed a lot over the past 2 YEARS :) It has been the past few months he has gotten back into being a grouch and last week end was the very worse of that. It was like the bad ol times.... Now as far as last week end my son was NOT innocent he cussed at my husband and my husband lost it, so it turned into a yelling match.. My father had a few of those with my stubburn sister. I do not want to live like that anymore though. Now my husband went overboard with taking all his furniture out in my oppinion, but by the end of the night my husband and son were getting along. I still don't agree with his over reacting


Sorry, my bad....:) I edited that post :)

[eightball61]

(I love to go back and forth with you)

No honestly I have to deal with stuff no matter what my choices are. ;)


If you made the choice to leave then it isn't your problem anymore. But we are not going there because your choice is to stay. Our focuss will only be on you staying because that is your choice & the choice you'll need deal with.

[littlesister]

Sorry, my bad....:) I edited that post :)


That's ok :) now we are on the same page.

[SALly]

At some point people need to stop blaming others and things in the past for their current actions. It is up to them to rise above it.

[littlesister]

At some point people need to stop blaming others and things in the past for their current actions. It is up to them to rise above it.


You are right with that, and on the other side of that is sometimes people have to take an honest look at their lives and deal with the past and then move on and put it all behind them. My husband never blamed his mom for anything, his childhood memories are a blur. He never dealt with it. One of his sisters and one of his brothers did the blame game and never took responsibility for their own actions.

[eightball61]

At some point people need to stop blaming others and things in the past for their current actions. It is up to them to rise above it.


True, but it sucks that it's a mental issue. This is one of those cases where words are easily said than done.....He has issues to work out and even though he may not work out all issues he has to put an effort if he doesn't want to lose people around him....Especially, his children.....

[SALly]

True, but it sucks that it's a mental issue. This is one of those cases where words are easily said than done.....He has issues to work out and even though he may not work out all issues he has to put an effort if he doesn't want to lose people around him....Especially, his children.....
Good point. Also issues will come up again and again and will need to be dealt with again and again. Ongoing counseling is good for that.

I seem to notice littlesister that you always seem to bring up the past....I probably won't word this right, but you seem to always compare the way he acts or things that happened in your lives to what happened with your or his parents....or in your lives when younger, etc. You need to realize this is the life YOU built, things and feelings may be partly because of things in your childhood but this is still YOUR life. I see over-analyzing a lot about why he did something, etc. and referring back to the way he was brought up. I only notice this because you have an attitude a lot like my mother in many ways and I've noticed it a lot over the past couple weeks.

[eightball61]

Over-analyzing is a good word to use but I see it more as excuses. There is are so many tiny issues that we are missing when looking into this issue.

littlesister, said that she will leave him if he did what he did in the past again. But then she knows he loves her and thats why she won't leave. I guess he has had some little cheating episodes that made her come to this conclusion.

I don't see littlesister ever leaving. She may have been playing around but I did have to call her on the conversations her and Diablo were having. I guess its non of my business but she was going against her own words by having these conversations.

What I see happening here is that littlesister needs someone to talk to. She has found a great place to do that. The venting has been working but it does little to the marriage. She needs to put more of her words into action. Now, I am not married but I do know these things can happen but it takes time. Her husband has changed for the better but still has his moments as we see here.

This is why I don't think he is ever going to change. She has made the decision to stay and thats will stick (i believe) under any condition. I am not persuaded that littlesister knows what she wants and thats why she is making excuses for her husband.

You can't pretend that you have a good marriage when you really don't. This is why this thread has been started and we are still talking about the same issue. On my first post in this thread I stated very clearly that I don't think this will help anything over than vent. She is taking this in a step-by-step process without any certainty onto which direction she wants this to go.

To me it seems she is floating in the marriage because she doesn't want to be alone. Now, I hope littlesister doesn't take this as a slam but from her words and comments this is what I see. She will not be able to make this marriage turn around alone. Its going to take effort from her & and her husband to do so. Sitting back and allow things to happen for the step-by-step process will not do a thing. They both have to be pumped up about this solid change and work together as a family on these issues.

[littlesister]

Good point. Also issues will come up again and again and will need to be dealt with again and again. Ongoing counseling is good for that.

I seem to notice littlesister that you always seem to bring up the past....I probably won't word this right, but you seem to always compare the way he acts or things that happened in your lives to what happened with your or his parents....or in your lives when younger, etc. You need to realize this is the life YOU built, things and feelings may be partly because of things in your childhood but this is still YOUR life. I see over-analyzing a lot about why he did something, etc. and referring back to the way he was brought up. I only notice this because you have an attitude a lot like my mother in many ways and I've noticed it a lot over the past couple weeks.


I'm a bit whiped out right now :) MY air and my fridge have gone out! But I wanted to at least try to respond to this post. The past as far as my husband goes was brought up because of another post, and also with our past history as a couple. As far as my childhood I feel I was raised by pretty good parents. I new I was loved and safe.

My husband has never looked at his past as part of his present problems, although he may have during some one on one with a mentor a while back. Really I don't believe that much in on going counceling, having a good friend with a level head can help with dealing and sorting out stuff. I have no blame for anyone, but in all honesty sometimes one has to take a look at things deal with them and then put it in the past where it belongs. When things blew up this week end it did bring back the past for me.

My marriage and what I have had to deal with in it. I feel that it is healthy to be honest as I can. Believe me I have been dealing with my part in all of this. I have to live with my own choices. Honestly I don't feel like there are any big problems right now. I feel like there has been a bit of a breakthrough for me.

Thanks to reading peoples posts of their lives and eightballs bluntness ;) The combo made me look at how I was dealing with things. That doesn't mean we don't have things to work through and that may mean taking a look at past mistakes and learning from them.
Speaking of living in the past I feel like did when I was in treatment almost in group therapy :D Ewww I hated being in the hot seat !!

[eightball61]

Ewww I hated being in the hot seat !!


Sometimes it helps being in the hot seat. Some people only realize reality through bluntness. I am very blunt on many of my post and I feel bad sometimes but bluntness seems to work for some odd reason :rolleyes:

[littlesister]

Over-analyzing is a good word to use but I see it more as excuses. There is are so many tiny issues that we are missing when looking into this issue.

littlesister, said that she will leave him if he did what he did in the past again. But then she knows he loves her and thats why she won't leave. I guess he has had some little cheating episodes that made her come to this conclusion.

I don't see littlesister ever leaving. She may have been playing around but I did have to call her on the conversations her and Diablo were having. I guess its non of my business but she was going against her own words by having these conversations.

What I see happening here is that littlesister needs someone to talk to. She has found a great place to do that. The venting has been working but it does little to the marriage. She needs to put more of her words into action. Now, I am not married but I do know these things can happen but it takes time. Her husband has changed for the better but still has his moments as we see here.

This is why I don't think he is ever going to change. She has made the decision to stay and thats will stick (i believe) under any condition. I am not persuaded that littlesister knows what she wants and thats why she is making excuses for her husband.

You can't pretend that you have a good marriage when you really don't. This is why this thread has been started and we are still talking about the same issue. On my first post in this thread I stated very clearly that I don't think this will help anything over than vent. She is taking this in a step-by-step process without any certainty onto which direction she wants this to go.

To me it seems she is floating in the marriage because she doesn't want to be alone. Now, I hope littlesister doesn't take this as a slam but from her words and comments this is what I see. She will not be able to make this marriage turn around alone. Its going to take effort from her & and her husband to do so. Sitting back and allow things to happen for the step-by-step process will not do a thing. They both have to be pumped up about this solid change and work together as a family on these issues.


Oh but eightball I think you are wrong. If you seen where we came from you would know, that I am more then willing to leave if life was to revert to the way it was. I know you think my flirting was hipocritical (sp) but at the time it was like what the hell, and it actually was like if I am flirting I won't be bothered as much by what he might be doing because, I am doing it too.

So it was kind of like a drug if you know what I mean. A way of not dealing, but after reading some stuff on here I thought, it was time to just wise up and wake up. I really can deal with leaving if it is the best thing to do. Money will make me thing twice, but I know I can get the money my mom has put back for us kids....
I don't want to do that but I would if I had to. At this point I think me and my husband have been so busy with making money at least on my part I have not been dealing with my feelings about a few things. I am doing that now today.

I think when I was feeling misserable I may have painted my husband as someone more evil then he really is now. Not to bring up the past again but that is pretty much what this is all about, he was really bad. He started acting grouchy and short tempered again and I did not want to go back to that type of life again. In AA one of the steps is to do an inventory of your life and make ammends where you can.
That is where I believe this whole thing is going for me. It has been healthy at least now because I trust you two especially.

So rip away guys :) but really I feel I am in a good place today. I know I will need to change some things and my hubby will need to change some things, but you all have helped me sort things out.

You don't have all the pieces of this twisted life I have been trying to tell you about, but as I try and you all respond I feel like I can see clearer then b4.

I hope I have made some sence here! And please forgive my spelling. :o I really do appreciate your input on this.

[SALly]

Counseling is more than just talking to a good level headed friend.
I don't even know what the problem is....there really isnt' one I guess. Your hubby cheated on you before....now you think he may be doing it again, is that right?
It is so weird how you remind me of my mom. Not even any of that situation, just the things you say and the way you say things....really weird. Mom, is that really you???!!!!!

[SALly]

Sometimes it helps being in the hot seat. Some people only realize reality through bluntness. I am very blunt on many of my post and I feel bad sometimes but bluntness seems to work for some odd reason :rolleyes:
Yeah- you should have seen how he hounded me!!! Talk about hot seat!!! :p

[littlesister]

You should have seen me running my @$$ off trying to keep everything working!! I hosed down the central air. I put a shop vac by the coil inside and set it to blow out to keep the coil from freezing. It worked to keep the compressor running but the temp was still climbing past 80 up and up.

Inbetween all that the freezer in the kitchen quit working! Our other fridge went out and my son found this one for us. WELL the other fridges freezer works so I cleaned it up and plugged it in and thank God it is working so I was running up and down stairs taking food to the other fridge.

Then I was trying to get the house clean cause I called someone out to look at the air..... They thought I would have to wait til Monday but then said they would have someone out by 5:00 today. So that is how my day has been going. I should add I have a bladder infection I am trying to get rid of with out going to the doc. It is getting better with cranberry pills and apple cidar vinigar. :D I feel like I had a work out today.

[littlesister]

Yeah- you should have seen how he hounded me!!! Talk about hot seat!!! :p


LOL you aint to bad yourself ;) Thanks.

[littlesister]

Counseling is more than just talking to a good level headed friend.
I don't even know what the problem is....there really isnt' one I guess. Your hubby cheated on you before....now you think he may be doing it again, is that right?
It is so weird how you remind me of my mom. Not even any of that situation, just the things you say and the way you say things....really weird. Mom, is that really you???!!!!!


Ok SaLly I am already feeling a bit old and odd having a 20 something young man chewing me out! Hmmm ya never know I could be your mom you better behave just in case ;) I am just the mom type I guess. All of my daughters friends call me mom. So I got lots of kids!

[SALly]

OK I'll stop with all the mom stuff. BUT if you say another thing just like my mother would--- I might freak out!!!! :D
I hate bladder infections :eek:

[littlesister]

OK I'll stop with all the mom stuff. BUT if you say another thing just like my mother would--- I might freak out!!!! :D
I hate bladder infections :eek:


LOL Ya just never know :D

[SALly]

20 minutes and I get the heck out of work!!! Whoo Hooo.... like I'm really doing a lot of "work" anyway....oooops! The hubby picked the kids up from the sitter and is at the grocery store picking up stuff we need for a tailgate cookout tomorrow. We are going to a local speedway for a big event--- some of the Nascar race drivers as going to be there, etc. Should be a good time! Originally the ex-friend was planning to go with us.....of course...she always was with us. BUT not anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[littlesister]

20 minutes and I get the heck out of work!!! Whoo Hooo.... like I'm really doing a lot of "work" anyway....oooops! The hubby picked the kids up from the sitter and is at the grocery store picking up stuff we need for a tailgate cookout tomorrow. We are going to a local speedway for a big event--- some of the Nascar race drivers as going to be there, etc. Should be a good time! Originally the ex-friend was planning to go with us.....of course...she always was with us. BUT not anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you have a blast!! :)

[SALly]

Thanks--- talk to you guys Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great weekend!

[eightball61]

So rip away guys but really I feel I am in a good place today.



I am glad to hear that you are feeling better today. You stated that I have you wrong and that may be true but thats my open thoughts to your situation. At this stage, you seem to know what situation your in and what you need to do to help it. The only thing I can suggest is what I already have and a tap of good luck to you :)



ps

Sally, I noticed that you said your off so you have a good weekend & stay strong :)

[eightball61]

Yeah- you should have seen how he hounded me!!! Talk about hot seat!!! :p



You can't say that my hounding has never helped you out though ;)