Friend Problem: Need your advice

[pink butterfly]

Hello Everyone,

New to the forum and looks like a great place. I have a friend problem and need your advice. I have known a guy friend for about 7 years and we became good friends about 5 years ago. We would do things together all the time (dinners, movies, vacations, etc) as we weren't dating anyone at that time and we were good friends. He had lost his job 4 years and I would help him out financially to pay the rent, his car and other expenses for 4 months until he found a job. I started seeing someone 2 years ago and he starting seeing someone a year ago and we hung out less but that was understandable with both of us in relationships. We still went to coffee, lunches and phone calls. He would also visit my boyfriend and I at my place(my boyfriend is very understanding). The last few months it seems he has been pulling back. He stop going to lunches and said he was too busy but still had time to go get coffee once a week. Well he now wants to stop having coffee because he feels uncomfortable but didn't explain why in his voice message. I'm sure it's due to the girlfriend which is understandable but it seems I put all this time and effort over the years and he just wants to end our friendship. I haven't return his call yet because I don't know if it would accomplish anything if his mind is set or don't know what to say. My question is what should I do? 1. Not call him and let it go? 2. Call him and tell him if that is his choice I understand but also tell him a feel sadden about it? Any advice would be appreciated. Tks.

Tiffany

[eightball61]

Hello Pink Butterfly & Welcome:)

This was something that was going to happen eventually unless you both ended up together. You need to except that people change as time changes. His GF may be pulling him away but he has made the choice to head that direction. All you can do is charish the time you did have with him and change to time like he is doing.

[Howard]

Hi Pink Butterfly,Welcome To The Boards. :)

[martin120db]

Hello Everyone,

I have known a guy friend for about 7 years and we became good friends about 5 years ago. We would do things together all the time (dinners, movies, vacations, etc) as we weren't dating anyone at that time and we were good friends.



Hi and welcome.

I really dont know what else you to were ingaging in while "just friends" but if you two ever had any kind of ual incounters, I would say that you two were DATING! THe both of you were in a relationship together. "Dinners, movie, Vacations, ect."

If he explained this to his now girlfriend the way you explained it on this forum I would say she has every right to ask of him to not remain in such close contact. The other think to remeber is that if you are now in a relationship and he is in a relationship, then why would he devote so much time and energy to you. He is still your friend, but you are taken and he is taken. Dinners Movies, vacations and ects are now out of the question.

I would not worry about it to much. he is still your friend but women can be very jealous. when you finish with your boyfriend something tells me he will mysteriously be done with his girlfriend. and then he will be yours again.

He loves you just does not realize it yet, and you are the same way.

[ivy]

Hello Everyone,

New to the forum and looks like a great place. I have a friend problem and need your advice. I have known a guy friend for about 7 years and we became good friends about 5 years ago. We would do things together all the time (dinners, movies, vacations, etc) as we weren't dating anyone at that time and we were good friends. He had lost his job 4 years and I would help him out financially to pay the rent, his car and other expenses for 4 months until he found a job. I started seeing someone 2 years ago and he starting seeing someone a year ago and we hung out less but that was understandable with both of us in relationships. We still went to coffee, lunches and phone calls. He would also visit my boyfriend and I at my place(my boyfriend is very understanding). The last few months it seems he has been pulling back. He stop going to lunches and said he was too busy but still had time to go get coffee once a week. Well he now wants to stop having coffee because he feels uncomfortable but didn't explain why in his voice message. I'm sure it's due to the girlfriend which is understandable but it seems I put all this time and effort over the years and he just wants to end our friendship. I haven't return his call yet because I don't know if it would accomplish anything if his mind is set or don't know what to say. My question is what should I do? 1. Not call him and let it go? 2. Call him and tell him if that is his choice I understand but also tell him a feel sadden about it? Any advice would be appreciated. Tks.

Tiffany

Tiffany, this is all a part of life I think. When you go into a relationship sometimes you have to make choices like this. Him and his love are growing closer and you and him are growing apart.

It isn't that he doesn't care but he may have cared for you more then a friend and the healthy thing for him to do is to seperate and bond with his new mate. It may not even be because she wants him to, although it very well could be. But that is life when we fall in love we do change our lives around for the one we love.

If he had to make a choice then he made it. I would hope that you would do the same. Really if you can be best friends with the one you love, you will have made the perfect choice. I know it hurts to not have your close friend like you use to, but it could be for the best.

[pink butterfly]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I haven't been thinking straight these past few days and I think your advice help me go the right direction. I felt upset after listening to his message as I felt I was losing a brother in a sense but luckly I didn't return his call right away when I was upset (I would have started yelling :o ). I guess my question is should I even call him? The last thing that occur was him leaving a vague message saying he doesn't feel comfortable going out for coffee anymore. My concern is if I don't return his call it might considered rude? Just confused if I should return his call or not.

tks,
Tiff

[ivy]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I haven't been thinking straight these past few days and I think your advice help me go the right direction. I felt upset after listening to his message as I felt I was losing a brother in a sense but luckly I didn't return his call right away when I was upset (I would have started yelling :o ). I guess my question is should I even call him? The last thing that occur was him leaving a vague message saying he doesn't feel comfortable going out for coffee anymore. My concern is if I don't return his call it might considered rude? Just confused if I should return his call or not.

tks,
Tiff

At first I was going to say no don't return his call, but maybe you should. (I don't know whether your friendship involved or not if it did I would say do not return the call.) Let him move on with his life.

But if it was just a friendship,Just tell him if that is what he thinks is best you will not try to change his mind. Maybe you will have the closure you need then. Or maybe sometime in the future you can have a get together as couples only.

Tell him you will always remain his friend and that maybe sometime in the future both of you as couples can do something together.

[eightball61]

If he didn't tell you not to call then try giving him a call this one time. If you don't reach him then leave a message for him to call you if he can. If he doesn't call back then you know he wants to communication broke off.

[Diablo]

By all means, call him and ask him directly if the friendship is ending. You should at least see what he says. I suspect his lady friend doesn't want you around. Don't blow up on him. It's probably hard for him, but he doesn't want to thro over his gf for a girl who's a friend. If he tells you that the friendship is ending, then just wish him well and tell let it go. The times I went against that advice and blew up, I regretted it later.

[eightball61]

Did you call ?

[sr14225]

Hello Tiffany,

I'm new here and happened to be reading your post. My question is, how do you feel about him? What I mean is, are there romantic feelings for him or do you consider him to be strictly a friend? I'm not sure, but it sounds like your friend may have some romantic feelings for you and/or his girlfriend is not comfortable with him seeing you. I don't know for sure of course, it's just a guess. Personally, I don't think it would be a problem if you said that you understood and that you support his decision. I know that you feel disappointed, but if you do say something to your friend, I think it would be better to remain positive. The problem is, and I'm going through it right now, is that it is very difficult for members of the opposite to be friends yet feel no ual attraction. It's possible, but it doesn't happen very often. I would not ask him why he has come to the decision of not seeing you anymore. If he wants to volunteer that information, it is up to him. But like I said, I can't see why saying that you understand and support his decision could be a bad thing. I think that he would appreciate your support. Sometimes people just need a little bit of time to sort things out.