My heart is so lost...!

[SleeplessNights]

Excuse me for jumping into the forum here without properly introducing myself to, I am quite sure, many wonderful people here.

To those who read this... Thanks for your time. I look forward to anyone who is willing to help or offer any incite.

Well, where to begin... Its rough... But I met my wife back in Sept of 2003. Things were rough for me... Well, they still are, but at the time... I mean college was falling through the cracks. I was once married before and had 2 children with my ex as I am paying child support on. So at the time I was going to college when I met my wife to be... who is my wife now... that financially I was in a hole.

I worked for a place called P & A Security in Willmar, MN... While I worked there... I was going to college at Ridgewater College for Law Enforcement. At the time everything was going great. I had a job and was finally going to college for the first time in my life. I was doing something with my life.

Well, after working there for so long... I came to meet my wife... Who obviously was my girlfriend at the time... or became my girlfriend. I wanted nothing more in this world to make my g/f happy. Give her the love she deserved and the happiness she had ever dreamed of. I spent as much time with her as I could without trying to let it interfere with the relationship in general and most of all my future/college.

Well, in due time my job at P & A Security started falling apart. People were starting to turn against each other there and the place was becoming corrupted. We had many accounts with the business. I mainly worked for the hospital under P & A's contract with them.

Well, eventually one of the guys who worked there got into a rut, so I tried helping him out by letting him stay with me in my apartment and live there... We became good friends. (NO I AM NOT OR BI EITHER)... Anyways, he eventually turned on me because this girl I was interested in before i met my wife to be... he stole from me and used her just for . It was upsetting... But what was I to do... So since that day he stopped talking to me and more or less turned against me.

I met my wife to be after that point and he didn't like that too much cause i told her not to have anything to do with him. Avoid him when ever possible. She did just that... and because of that... Him and a couple other guys new the supervisor from work and were on good terms with him... and so they found a way to set me up and got the supervisor to join them in doing just that to fire me.

So, after that point I had no job, it was hard to find a job around there and all... So I ended up enlisting into the military cause I couldn't take the stress around there or any of that.... and I withdrew from all my classes.

I couldn't go home... So I ended up living in my place as long as possible with unemployment coming in and barely affording the place I was living... Until my place of former employment fought to stop my unemployment. They ended up winning... So my recruiter wrote a letter to my land lord to let me out of my lease early. I ended up living with my g/f who became my fiance in the last few days before i left for training... I proposed cause after getting settled to where I was going to be stationed I wanted to marry her and to be with her to spend time with her before I would get deployed to IRAQ.

Well, after all that training and so forth... I went back to MN to see her... Understand at this point everything was perfect accept us before apart for so long. It was tearing us apart. But the 10 days I had to come home and see her before I had to go to Fort Stewart, GA was helpful... It helped us to restabalize our relationship...

I then traveled to Georgia... To my place of being stationed. I got settled in and waited patiently to bring her down there with me so we could be together... After less then a month from becoming a year of being together... I took some accrued leave time and after planning things carefully to coming to get her and getting married... I then went back to MN and got her... We got married... and back to Georgia we went.

Everything was great for us all the way to Georgia and while we were there in Georgia. Well all the way up until the point she became pregnant... Things were actually ok for the first little bit of her being pregnant. She was excited and happy as so was I... But as the pregnancy progressed she was getting more stressed and her stress was getting to me... I relied on the fact of believing it was all just hormones, but some of it was do to the fact she knew I was going to be shipped overseas... So, because of all the stress laid upon me... It was affecting my ability to perform my duties as required by military standards.... so the military ended up discharging me on the basis of having a personality disorder.

That helped to ease quite a bit of tension between us both... But as the pregnancy progressed it started getting a bit worse... and I told her she shouldn't worry so much... I told her how a pregnancy pretty much goes... and everything I have told her, pretty much happened... But she still worried way too much.

She was beginning to get lazy on things and not help out as much as she use to... She didn't really remain considerate of my feelings and respect everything that I have done for her and what not... I went out of my way to put food on the table, a roof over the head, bills paid, errands ran, appointments were met, and so forth....

Not one ounce of appreciation... Don't get me wrong here.... I love and all... But she always thought that was the solution to every problem... It got tiring and all... But I put up with it...

Then after I got out of the military, we came back to Minnesota.... I asked my family to help us out for a little bit until we got back on our feet. My mom was willing to help us out... Actually I have noticed that my mother and family was willing to help us out in so many ways more than her family did. She still didn't show much appreciation. I am the one who did most of the moving because she was pregnant... Well, enough babble... Thats the rough idea..

...Now, to the main point in which all that lead up to. We are living in our own place... She had the baby and all. I was there all the way through it... Although she didn't listen to much of my help when I tried to offer it during labor and delivery.

After that fact, she seemed like she chose to pretty much ignore me when her family or friends were around. It was upsetting. She showed no appreciation or love for me during that time.

I am the one who changed the baby during most of that time cause she was too afraid to... Even feed him... heck i even had him sleeping next to me most of the time. I went with him when he went down to the nursery. I let her sleep more then I ever got to sleep the entire time we were at the hospital.

I respected the fact that she just had a kid and all... But again it would have been nice to be shown some appreciation and all... To acknowledge the fact that I was there and all the stuff I was doing for her and what not.

Well, after the whole hospital bit... She expects me to do everything around the house here... She wants me to take her everywhere instead of her driving places... She wants me to take care of the baby all the time... Its bad enough I work 11pm-7:15am 5 days a week plus 7 hours of overtime during the weekend.... and now I am going in at 10pm and getting out the same time... I get tired easily and wore out..

The wife sleeps through the night with the little one when he actually sleeps... Well, when I get home she gets up and then expects to keep me up cause she is bored or something and has no one to talk to. There is a net here or she could learn to go out and make friends. Find someone to talk to and hang out with during the time, but she refuses... She thinks that we are suppose to be together 24/7 when I am not working... and it gets tiring... I need my sleep... I need my space at times...

She has been getting on my nerves royally...She expects way too much... And now she is to the point she is accusing me of cheating on her cause the friends i have from work and know are willing to help talk to me and hear my problems as I do for them. Well, mainly there is this one girl who seems to help me more than anyone else.... I have done nothing ually with her as she has a man and I am married... but after work we hung outside the building in seperate cars and chatted.

We talked about our problems and what not...

And because of that as some days it can take a couple hours up to like 4 hours to get a lot off our chests... she thinks I am doing ual things with this woman... And I am not...

All in all now.... I am to the point that I just dont care about the realtionship any more and i am to the point that I am about ready to give up on the marriage and throw it all away. I know that sounds like a shameful thing to do and all, but it gets so tiring trying to convince her of the truth and to get her to stop riding my back about this all.

The main key to any relationship is trust... She claims she trusts me but its the other women that she doesn't trust. Well if she trusts me enough then she should trust me enough that if some woman were to try and do something to me that I would have enough decency to back away and all...

Well, I have that kind of trust in her... I told her to go out and make friends either male or female... but she doesn't seem to want to make the effort to.

I can't take it any more... Please if someone has any incite or can help me in any way... Then please... Help me... I would greatly appreciate...

Thanks for listening... and if you need any more information or have any questions... please feel free to ask...

I just need answers and help on deciding what to do...

Thanks again...

~SleeplessNights~

[eightball61]

SleeplessNights, welcome to the boards :)



Communication "is" huge to any marriage or relationship. It actually makes things very difficult when you are trying to communicate to your partner and she doesn't seem/want to understand:rolleyes:. You have tried a lot of things in getting her to understand and the only idea that I can think of for you both is to try marriage counseling.


~8ball;)

[Diablo]

They seem to be communicating Eightball; they just don't like what's being said. The guy has a legitimate beef if he's expected to work full time, overtime; cme home and take care of the baby while she does what? In a household where one works and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't work should do most of the household chores and do the lion's share of taking care of the baby.
You should have a go at salvaging the marriage Sleepless. It doesn't look that good, but because of the baby, you should try. If that means seeing a marriage counsoler, then that's what you should do, but it won't work unless both of you go.

[ivy]

They seem to be communicating Eightball; they just don't like what's being said. The guy has a legitimate beef if he's expected to work full time, overtime; cme home and take care of the baby while she does what? In a household where one works and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't work should do most of the household chores and do the lion's share of taking care of the baby.
You should have a go at salvaging the marriage Sleepless. It doesn't look that good, but because of the baby, you should try. If that means seeing a marriage counsoler, then that's what you should do, but it won't work unless both of you go.

I agree with what Diablo has said here, I would just like to add, you need to put your foot down on some issues. You need to tell her that you can not do it all anymore. Some of these issues you have brought up could be resolved easily IF both of you are willing to talk it out let go of any resentment and work together.

From what you have said it has been a one way street. You tell your wife you need your rest or you will not be able to continue on for long. She does not work outside of the home and it is good to help her out but don't do it all. You may see some of your anger go away just by getting your sleep.

Having a mediator to work through this with you could help. If you have a church they would most likely counsel you without cost to you. If not there are places that work on a sliding scale basis. Good luck!

[eightball61]

They seem to be communicating Eightball; they just don't like what's being said.


This guy does have a lot on his plate but she is not hearing him out when he does communicate to her. I did mention that they are communicating but it makes things more hard when she doesn't make an adjustment for him. This woman is doing things for herself only. This is not the way a marriage should be. Only she can come to the conclusion to make a change. He can try to make this change happen but it won't happen unless she wakes-up & smells the coffee.

Eventually, these failing attempts will only prove that this is how she really is.

[Rich]

There's a lot going on here and if I miss some, i'm sorry.

First of all, love doesn't ask for anything in return. You do and then expect things from your wife like appreciation, thank you's and respect and all of that, which you should be getting. But you don't do things in a marriage for a certain thing or response, you do it for the marriage and love.

Yes, the bulk of your problems seem to be communication, but there's more as well. I see a lack of respect, maturity, honesty, appreciation and caring. This is both ways. These things all need to be worked on with some more areas I'm sure as well.

I'm still not convinced that your military story is all 100% legit. I find it hard to see how the military, when they're hard up for recruits to serve in Iraq and the military in general, would just let you go. No offense, but you must have screwed up royally. To get out on a personality disorder means that you have mental and emotional issues. Do you and how bad is it? Did you get an "other than honorable" or 'dis-honorable' discharge?

Pregnancy screws up a lot of women with the hormones and the post partum. Maybe your wife has post partum. To not want to bond with the child and do her share with the baby is not normal and is a sign of post partum. She should talk to her doc and maybe she or he can prescribe some meds.

Maybe you said how old your wife is and I just missed it, but I feel that you're both immature. She expects things from you and you expect from her. You also seem to lay blame at other peoples feet for your issues instead of taking responsibility for them. I'm sure there is more to the story with your first layoff than what was told as well.

You both need to start from scratch. Have a heart to heart and both lay out your concerns, wants and desires. If you both go back to the position of being in love with each other and then building from there, you can be ok. I think you both need to step back, realize that this is real life and a child is involved and both do your share. This isn't playing house.

Get your wife help and some meds to right her ship. There's some definate things happening there.

If is your wife's answer to everything, then maybe she wasn't ready for marriage as she truly doesn't understand what a marriage is all about. Maybe you guys weren't ready and you rushed it. Well, you both now need to learn what a good marriage consist of and then work towards it.

Good marriages don't happen by FM. It takes a lot of work and fine tuning.

Good luck

[ivy]

There's a lot going on here and if I miss some, i'm sorry.

First of all, love doesn't ask for anything in return. You do and then expect things from your wife like appreciation, thank you's and respect and all of that, which you should be getting. But you don't do things in a marriage for a certain thing or response, you do it for the marriage and love.

Yes, the bulk of your problems seem to be communication, but there's more as well. I see a lack of respect, maturity, honesty, appreciation and caring. This is both ways. These things all need to be worked on with some more areas I'm sure as well.

I'm still not convinced that your military story is all 100% legit. I find it hard to see how the military, when they're hard up for recruits to serve in Iraq and the military in general, would just let you go. No offense, but you must have screwed up royally. To get out on a personality disorder means that you have mental and emotional issues. Do you and how bad is it? Did you get an "other than honorable" or 'dis-honorable' discharge?

Pregnancy screws up a lot of women with the hormones and the post partum. Maybe your wife has post partum. To not want to bond with the child and do her share with the baby is not normal and is a sign of post partum. She should talk to her doc and maybe she or he can prescribe some meds.

Maybe you said how old your wife is and I just missed it, but I feel that you're both immature. She expects things from you and you expect from her. You also seem to lay blame at other peoples feet for your issues instead of taking responsibility for them. I'm sure there is more to the story with your first layoff than what was told as well.

You both need to start from scratch. Have a heart to heart and both lay out your concerns, wants and desires. If you both go back to the position of being in love with each other and then building from there, you can be ok. I think you both need to step back, realize that this is real life and a child is involved and both do your share. This isn't playing house.

Get your wife help and some meds to right her ship. There's some definate things happening there.

If is your wife's answer to everything, then maybe she wasn't ready for marriage as she truly doesn't understand what a marriage is all about. Maybe you guys weren't ready and you rushed it. Well, you both now need to learn what a good marriage consist of and then work towards it.

Good marriages don't happen by FM. It takes a lot of work and fine tuning.

Good luck


You said that all so well Rich it puts me to shame! Much of what you said I thought but was not so bold to post it. And the post partum you may have something very important there. I went through that with one of my girls and it does really affect everything including bonding with the child. It isn't something that should be left untreated if it continues.

When I read the posters post I did think that it was very possible that some of it was not true, but thought maybe some details were just being left out. I have a relative that signed up with the (I think) Navy and then when she didnt' want to be there any more she faked trying to kill herself!! Honestly though she really does need some outside help but that is another story! It does take 2 to make a relationship work and it does take work.

[SALly]

He sounds like a bit of a crybaby to me. No offense but you go on and on about all the stuff you do and don't get appreciated. Have you told her how you feel? Have you asked her what she feels is wrong? Or are you just concerned about yourself and how tired you are? You say your family helped more than hers....well who cares?! That shouldn't even be any issue. To me- you have a lot of issues that need to be worked out as well as whatever she may have. Just my opinion. Who is taking care of the baby when you are gone? I would imagine she is. So is it wrong for her to expect you to do it when you are home??!!! And it shouldn't be a chore...it is your baby for heaven's sake.

[piratesmate]

If the two of you are unable to communicate your feelings to each other, then it's time for marriage counseling to save the marriage.

I'm sure we aren't being told the whole story and the whole truth but whatever the reason, you two need to go get help, now!

Your wife sounds like she is suffering from post-partum depression...a condition I suffered throughout all three of my children but I always bonded with my babies, never rejected them. Your wife sounds very young and childish and the kind of girl who likes attention drawn to herself?

Listen to what Rich says.

[Rich]

Ivy-

I've never been one to hold my tongue. Normally I call em as I see.

What I do find most amazing is that on quite a lot of these post, I feel an intuitiveness about things. Like a knowing. Who knows, maybe it's my calling. :-)