So Confused

[bbyblueys]

Where do I begin? My BF and I have been together for 7 1/2 yrs. We've never really had any fights, we’ve had a few disagreements but nothing serious. We broke up twice because he thought I needed to be with someone that wanted to be with me more than he can. (he works swing shift) When were together we get along great. But now the question, Why dose he keep wanting to end it? He told me that he always goes into relationships with a 6 month time frame (we have passed that by 7 yrs), and with the thought that the relationship won't make it. (personally I think that someone that goes into a relationship thinking it’s going to end, isn’t giving it or that person a chance, and it’s condemned from the start) I've asked him what is wrong with me that he can't love me, (he says he cares for me a lot) and he says there isn't anything wrong with me and he doesn’t know why, he's called himself crazy for how he feels. Let me give you a little background on him, He was married for about 14-15 yrs and it ended badly. He always looks at the negative in life and I’m just the opposite, I try to look at the positive in everyone. I love everything about him and I can’t see my life without him in it. I’ve asked him why he wants to end it and he can only tell me that he thinks I deserve more. One of my big problems is that I always listen to my heart, and as much as my brain tells me he is right, my heart can’t be without him and feels so empty when he dose this. He’s told me that he doesn’t think he ever wants to get married again, and that’s fine with me I was married for 17 yrs. But I do know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am going to ask him to take part in this forum, but I don’t know if he will. Please ask anything you want that can help me figure this out. Thank you for your help.

[eightball61]

He’s told me that he doesn’t think he ever wants to get married again, and that’s fine with me I was married for 17 yrs. .


This quote above explains everything......Basically, his last marriage ended very badly and he doesn't want to enter that scene again. I don't know what it will take from him to move on from that but we could try to help if anything :)

You told us that you don't want to be alone and this is why you are seeking help. First, you need to decide what you want out of this relationship....

I really do think this guy does care for you but doesn't want to take that next step because he doesn't want to go through the hurt again. Sure he needs to move on but it's not that easy. The human mind is very powerful and only "he" can make that move when is mind is ready.

If you can deal with not getting married but staying in this relationship then continue the current track you both are on. I sense you want more but you are not going to get more until he can move on from the past.

[bbyblueys]

:confused: What I forgot to say in the first post is that we live in separate homes. I involve him in my family life, but he won’t involve me in his family life. We both have grown children, I involve him with mine, but he hasn’t involved me in his.
What I want is someone to share my good days and bad with, someone that I can grow old with. Someone to share everyday ups and downs with.. Someone that I can do things with. Why do two people have to get married to have those things? Why do men always think that all women want is to get married? I also came out of a very bad marriage. But it seems like he has so many issues that he can’t or won’t get over. But the love that I have for him won’t let me let him go.

[eightball61]

But it seems like he has so many issues that he can’t or won’t get over. .

You are a very patient & understanding women. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life. If you both have the same thoughts to life then why can't you see past these issues?

[bbyblueys]

My big issue is that he thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life living alone, while I don't want to live alone. I want someone to share my heart and time with. I want someone that I can feel safe with and someone that makes me feel safe, (and he makes me feel that way when were together) if that makes any sence. Someone he works with recently told him that they think he's just using me, And since then he's been pushing me away because he said he dosen't want to use me. Someone told me to give him time, that he has to work through things. But what do I do when he's saying he dosen't think he will ever want someone living with him? Like I said my heart is saying one thing while my brain is telling me another. And the pain in my heart is tremendous. It's like when were not together I feel so empty. And just talking to him brightens my day and makes all the bad things go away.

[Girl]

Listening to your 'heart' isn't doing you any good.
You both have entirely different views. You want one thing, he wants another. He does not want to be in a long term relationship, he is not even sure he wants to live with you. He even admitted that he cannot give you what you want.

If you want to settle down so badly, you might as well quit wasting your time with this relationship and find someone with a similar outlook. You've broken up numerous times. Take a hint and respect his wishes. And respect yourself too by allowing yourself to live out your wants. Being with this man is not getting you to that place.

[eightball61]

My big issue is that he thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life living alone, while I don't want to live alone. I want someone to share my heart and time with.

This is a big problem and a problem that you'll need to settle on your own. Your thoughts are giving you conflicted messages because it doesn't know what to do. You see the problem though and this is why you are out to seek help. Maybe you should make a list of pro's and con's about this relationship. This may help your thoughts outs.......

You are now 41 and looking for someone to grow with. You are not going to get what you want with this guy. This is why you need to make a strong but depressing decision on what to do. This relationship is not going to go any further unless he has a change in mind. You know this but you don't want to accept that. You need to accept the reality of this and make your decision from there.