Loaning money to a lover

[catatonic]

Hi, I'm catatonic, nice to meet you all.

Anyway, I'm 21 and I'm in a situation where I'm living with my boyfriend and we are sharing the rent. He works full time and I'm a student although I work part time and get government assistance so I pay half of everything.

I am good at saving money and he is terrible. For a while he has wanted a giant flat-screen TV and a couple of weeks ago he asked me if he could borrow money from me to buy it. (A LOT of money). I wasn't happy but I knew how much he wanted it so I said yes. Then after worrying myself sick over it I told him I was having second thoughts and we had a gigantic argument.

My argument was:
-I have always been taught not to loan money to a friend or a lover because it will only ruin the relationship

-I can't really afford to loan him money anyway - I'm the one who is the student struggling to make ends meet and he's the one with the full time job

-It will take him at least three months to pay me back and it means he will have no spending money for that time - I don't think he will handle that.

-A TV (especially one so luxurious) is something that he can live without for three months


His argument was:
-This is a trust issue. He trusts me not to cheat on him (which is something that is a very big issue for him - he is by nature very suspicious) therefore I should trust him to repay the money. If I don't loan him the money that means I don't trust him and he will stop trusting me.

-Just because I don't see a TV as neccessary, he does. He complains that the things that are important to him are not important to me and that is unfair.

-If you can't loan money to the person in the world closest to you, who can you loan money to?


Long Story Short - I loaned him the money and he bought the TV this morning. I did it because I believe trust is the most important thing in a relationship and I was not going to be a part of a relationship that is not based on trust. But I am now feeling quite upset about it - basically he gave me an ultimatum - loan him money or end the relationship. Now that I think about it I think that is emotional blackmail. I absolutely love him, which is why I went through with it, but I would just like some opinions from people who don't know us to see if what he is doing is unfair or if I am the one who is being unfair.

I just needed to vent - I have been too scared and ashamed to talk to anyone who knows me because either my boyfriend will find out and get pissed off, or the person I'm talking to will tell me I'm an idiot for loaning him money.

To put the icing on the cake - after getting up early in the morning to drive him to the TV place (he doesn't drive) in my car with my petrol when frankly I have better things to do, we got home and he asked me to make him breakfast. When I was sarcastic about it he got pissed off at me and I was the one who had to apologise to him for being sarcastic.

Sorry this has been a bit of a rant - just needed to get it off my chest.

[GreenEyedLeo197]

I really can not believe how your boyfriend is treating you!!!!!! He is really disrespecting you not only with the tv, but with everything. How long have you two been together, and how long have you lived together? I live with my boyfriend, and he is horrible with money too! I am the one who pays all the bills with my account, he pays me 1/2 for everything too, but I am the one who makes sure that the bills are getting paid. I helped him out with getting a car, but that was only $500 bucks, that we split, but he is always fixing my car. So I think it is even, with all the money he saves me in labor. What I don't understand is, if it will take him 3 months to pay you back, then why didn't he just save the money himself and get the tv then? Or give you the money to hold for him, since you said he is bad with his money? Another thing is, if you two break up, and he has the receipt for that tv, that tv is his, and you can kiss your money goodbye! You can't fight him on it. Do you need him there to help you with the bills, or can you aford the place you are in on your own? Because to me, it seems like he is using you. I know you love him, but a realtionship needs to be equil!! I have all these same issues with my boyfriend, cause he doesn't make that much at the job he is at, and I get on him all the time about finding a better job. We just faught tonight about his account. So, I know how it is feeling like everything is on your shoulders. I don't think he has any right telling you to give him the money or the relationship is over, that is so not right!!!!! I would of told him to leave because it seems to me that he was saying the tv was more important than you!! Do you really want to be with someone like that? I hope I am not being to harsh, I just want you to think about what you are getting into with him. I wish you all best!!! I am here if you need to vent, I know how it feels when you need to get things off your shoulders. :)

[catatonic]

Thank you so much - it is very comforting to know that I am not alone here. This has been my first time moving out of home as well as my first time living with a boyfriend, it all happened very fast but basically he needed to move out and I needed to move out and it was conveinient to move together.

We have been together nearly 6 months, he is intellectually and ually everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend (I cannot stress that enough - we have mind blowing and he actually understands me when I talk about the things I'm studying), but unfortunately I am beginning to realise he can be so incredibly selfish. He is very, very loving but it all seems to come with a price - he will cuddle me but it means I have 'repay' that cuddle.

I get what you mean - I am six years younger and a student but am the one organising the paying of bills and at times paying extra on bills and rent because he's blown his money on something he sees as neccessary (e.g. computer games, fancy phones, computer accessories, etc).

He was originally going to save up for the TV and give the money to me to save for him, but he is the most impatient person I've ever met and as soon as he'd got the idea that he could borrow the money from me and have the TV immediately, he wouldn't take no for an answer. I also know that once he has the TV he won't treat repaying me as a priority. He will continue to spend all his money and leave me until last - he borrowed $300 from me two months ago and so far has only repaid $100. It makes me angry that he is taking advantage of the fact that I am good with money - it is all money I have earned through my hard work and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting it for myself not some stupid TV.

Sigh. I am stuck here - I can't afford this place on my own and we have signed a contract for 6 months (5 more to go). I love living with him, I have never loved someone so much, I believe he has redeeming features... but he doesn't think he is treating me badly here at all. He thinks I am the one being unreasonable and selfish. I've become one of those door-mat women who just gets trampled by an arrogant man.