To choose or not to choose...between two woman.

[Rob007]

Hi, I am a newby to this forum and in desperate need for advise. This is going to be a bit of an essay but need to paint the complete picture for you to guide me towards taking action.

I have been with my ex partner for just over nine years. We lived together for the last 5 years. We were engaged and planned to get married and start a family this year. Then last year August she broke up with me...The reasons being many, I was shocked at that stage thinking that we could not have been in the same relationship, as most of her reasons was news to me...In any way, I am sure I am not innocent, but tried to fight for her, and proof to her that I am in love with her and willing to change my ways...I romanced her, upped my efforts around the house etc. This did not do anything to rectify the situation. Even after a a week in Greece, which I thought was heaven as we seemed to have so much fun again, completely went south the minute we came back, and the reply to my tears of why, what and I still love you was met with "well it was an expensive holiday and I did not want to spoil it" We were still living in the same house, house on both our names, but stayed in seperate rooms. Me trying to won her back bear no fruits for about two months, when I started getting my thoughts together and slowly moving on.
I then went on a business trip to Hong Kong in November and got to get to know a work collegue of mine much better. We were in similar positions, well almost, she is a lady 5 years older than me...I am 36 she is 41. She is busy going through a painful divorce and has a 11 year old son. I guess due to all this we found comfort in each other and advicing each other on what to do etc. This friendship grew very quickly into much more, and seeing that I see myself as a bit of a romatic, went all out to pursue this lady...partly because I was smitten with her, but honestly as well, it was good to focus my attention away from my ex.
At this stage I was still living with my ex in the house, as we both had finances to sort before we could depart our own ways...Around end November time, my ex, probably becuase she saw that my attention is not so focussed on her anymore, came into my room and said that she is very sorry about everything and that she realized what she has lost and want to give us another chance....This would have been perfect for me if it was not for this new lady that I had i my life now...through all my romantic efforts and promisses to love this new lady etc etc, I made a 41 year old lady with a 11 year old child fall madly in love with me...So much so that she said that if it was not for me she would give her 16 year old marraige another try for the sake of her child even if it means that she will be unhappy...This scared me a lot...
To give more colour to the picture, both me and my ex are caucasion and 36 years old and are Christian. The new lady in my is 41, Malaysian and a Muslim. I am very much in love with the, lets call her lady2 from now on (Malaysian)...I am much more attracted to her in a physicall way, and can communicate much better with her than lady1. Lady1, who I also still love very much and now wants me back, is from my home town, same beliefs, same back ground...she is also much more settled in her carreer and we would be off much better financially than me and lady2 who has been a full time mother...I am in a bit of a predicament...through my actions, I made lady2 fall in love with me, and she is planning a future with me with her child once her divorce goes through...I can see myself be very happy with her in the future, but the religion cloud is hanging over our heads as well. I will have to convert to Islam if I want to marry her, something I told her will not be a problem earlier, but deep down still not convinced if it is what I believe in, maybe someday, or live a lie for the rest of my life and pretend to be a Muslim, or go back to Lady1, but who says that she will not leave me easilly again, as I feel she only came back to me because I was the first to move on with my life...
In a way I feel that in order to be a man, I should accept the results from my actions in making lady2 fall in love with me. I can not mess with her life like that seeing that there is an 11 year old child as well....the new culture is exiting now, but will it last...I do love her, and think more of her that lady1, but know that if I go back to lady1, my life will be simpler....Both will hurt very much if I have to stop seeing any one of them....What should I do...what is the right thing to do...

Sorry for the long letter, but need advise urgently....

[smackie9]

You need to be realistice here. Lady #2 is being mislead and you should have given more thought to your answer about converting. You do not think things through. Lady #2 is foolish too for jumping into and planning a future with someone so soon, but as usual the grass looks greener on the other side. You should just tell her that you cannot see yourself converting and should part ways. As for Lady #1, you are reallly spinning the wheel of fortune on this one. She broke up for a reason. I can garantee you once you settle into a relationship with her, she will get second thoughts once again....we tend to loose sight of why we break up, when we get lonely and miss the familiarity of being with that person. Once back in, the fog lifts, and they realize they made a mistake. It's up to you whatever you do........next time in the future you better learn to think things through realistically.

[packagedealx3]

I don't believe that it is necessary for you to convert to marry, although it might be like the Catholic church and the marriage is not formally recognized by the religious community. My daughter has a friend that is Muslim and has gone to services with them and there are several people in that congregation that are not Muslim, spouses of people that attend that mosque.

If you love the woman, and going back to chick one is just stupid, imo because when is she again going to decide that you have been doing X things for like 10 years but she failed to mention it bothered her? Or maybe the wind will blow one day and she will decide it is over, yes, have some kiddies and bring them into that stable environment. No one breaks up when you have been together that long, particularly a bunch of stuff you were unaware of unless they are a wee bit whacked? One of you (both?) is really very wrong with that one. Her for saying nothing and you, if there were so many problems, for failing to notice even one of them?

So you would go back to her because it is comfortable like an old shoe? Figure out if you can straighten out your religious differences with girl 2 by being honest, that'd be a new thing here huh? Tell her that when she initially asked you about converting, you care about her so much it seemed no big deal but as you have thought about it, you're not sure whether you can or not. This allows her to tell you the situation with her religion and people not converting. I know several couples that one decided to convert and others, they have raised the children in both faiths. How can you say you cannot convert when you know nothing about the religion? Both Christianity and Islam came from Judaism so keep an open mind.

If you cannot reconcile your religious differences then you should walk away so that you both can find someone with whom you can be happy.