Faithful and frustrated

Jarl13 · 02-06-2010, 05:46 PM

I never had much luck with relationships because while I always had "girl friends" I rarely had a girlfriend since I was shy, awkward, and a nice-guy. Girls were always a huge thing to me because I am an emotional and very sexual person. I eventually had my first kiss and sexual experience at 19 and at 23 my love life exploded after turning to the internet to meet women. I finally lost my virginity with my ex at age 24. The funny part is as she was driving away I thought to myself, "That's what I'd been waiting so long for...?" A year later I met my fiancee and we have been together for over 4 years now. She had only been with jerks who either wanted her as a trophy or conquest, and one of her boyfriends was abusive emotionally and sexually (forcefulness). We are both caring, considerate, accommodating, same morals and logic and want the same things out of life. We have a strong relationship, but the bad side is we both have deep emotional scars from our pasts that have caused some GREAT battles. Sex was mutual right from the start, but I've realized how deep the scars from her abusive boyfriend go and all the bad feelings she associates with sex and her body-image. We still have sex and actual sex itself isn't the problem. I am happy with the frequency and don't think sex itself will ever be a problem (ie sexless marriage). The problems are everything surrounding sex. She jumps right under the blankets, resist engaging in sexual positions where we aren't face-to-face because "it could be anybody". Sometimes she'll allow me, but shuts down which makes me feel bad. My favorite thing is oral sex but that is hampered too by a horrible experience she had with her ex where he physically held her head down. She met me half-way with oral sex but will only do it briefly and has admitted to going over her "to-do" list to distract her from what she's doing which defeats the whole purpose for me. I love my fiancee. I have no doubt we will have a good life. I am strong, patient, and willing to help her through. But I am a man and have desires. I want my fiancee to be the one to fulfills those desires but in some cases she can't [or can't yet] and there is no guarantee some magic switch will flip once we're married.

We are 6months away from our wedding and I have felt myself wandering. Not to anyone and not emotionally, purely physically. I could never cheat because I couldn't betray her or look her in the eye, and I don't want to lose or hurt her just so I can fulfill my physical desires. I had a dream where I did and it just destroyed her in the dream. I woke up with my body chilled and tingling. I told her all of this. She reacted with anger saying if it was so important to me maybe I belonged with someone else and to make a decision. I told her I didn't want to decide and that I loved her, but I also don't want these feelings or that dream. Finally she resolved to stay with me because I am the love of her life and the best thing that ever happened to her so she will try, but asked me to recognize she is trying. My problem is while I have natural desires and I understand she has difficulties. When a beautiful woman passes, I can't help but think about what I am missing physically and that being such a late bloomer I have only been with two women in my entire life. I sort of wish my fiancee would have come along a year later so I could have experienced more. But I love my fiancee great and she is here now in my life, and I remember how underwhelming and anticlimactic (pun?) sex was even for the first time with my ex. I want to be strong and not give up something good due to physical urges, but I also can't prevent having these urges.. only what I do about them. I could break up with her and find a woman who will give me oral sex every day and engage in any acrobatic position I can think of, but she could be a raging bitch who will spend our money on drugs. I have heard older men say "You never get enough" in regard to how many women you've slept with, and I know that many men do not get oral sex at all or only on their birthdays. I also discussed this with my friend and he told me after he broke up with his fiancee he slept with a girl he knew but it felt hollow and empty because there was no emotion involved.

I love my fiancee. I am faithful to her and want a life with her. but I am frustrated and looking for words of wisdom.

Rich · 02-08-2010, 02:18 PM

Try making it fun. Let her tie you up and do it. This will put her in total control and might make her feel different. Does she like chocolate? Drip chocolate syrup on your member and let her lick it off. Try whipped cream. Let her use oils and just give you a great hand job.

It's kinda like if a guy doesn't like giving oral because of a bad experience (smell, taste) with prior girlfriends. It becomes a mental block to enjoying all future oral opprtunities. It just happens. But if you can use oils and give her a good handjob and use a vibrator, then I'm guessing that she would enjoy that.

I ate a bad piece of fish (real fish) when I was young and to this day just cannot eat any fish. It's a mental thing but it's strong for me. Things like that happen.

You're just gonna have to give up the ghost with having your Gf/wife give you head and be like totally into it. You know what I mean. Like the pornos where the girl is totally into giving pleasure and she's tossing her hair to the side and using her hand and tongue while looking up at you with lust in those eyes.

Not gonna happen with her and quite honestly, doesn't happen with a great many of them. Just porn stars.

Investigate other options. Handjobs with oils feel real good. No fear of having a tooth snag the skin and cause pain. Purely pleasurable.

smackie9 · 02-14-2010, 05:50 PM

Better put that wedding on hold. If she is having issues with sex now, it will only get worse. You are being so foolish to think she will just get over it in time. With women, we have to be mentally in tune to be ready for sex, while men can easy be ready with physical and visual stimulation. Women are more complex to deal with for sure. I suggest seeking out couples counseling before walking down the isle. What she went through in her past would be traumatic for any woman. You men will never understand the mental scaring of being raped or sexually assaulted like she was by her ex. This is more serious than you could ever understand.

She feels she is being assaulted all over again by you telling how you expect her to give you head. Verbal is no different than physical, my dear. She feels devalued. That is why you both should go to counseling so it can be dealt with on a level she can feel comfortable.

02-06-2010, 05:46 PM	#1
Jarl13 Relationship Forums Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Ohio Posts: 4	Faithful and frustrated I never had much luck with relationships because while I always had "girl friends" I rarely had a girlfriend since I was shy, awkward, and a nice-guy. Girls were always a huge thing to me because I am an emotional and very sexual person. I eventually had my first kiss and sexual experience at 19 and at 23 my love life exploded after turning to the internet to meet women. I finally lost my virginity with my ex at age 24. The funny part is as she was driving away I thought to myself, "That's what I'd been waiting so long for...?" A year later I met my fiancee and we have been together for over 4 years now. She had only been with jerks who either wanted her as a trophy or conquest, and one of her boyfriends was abusive emotionally and sexually (forcefulness). We are both caring, considerate, accommodating, same morals and logic and want the same things out of life. We have a strong relationship, but the bad side is we both have deep emotional scars from our pasts that have caused some GREAT battles. Sex was mutual right from the start, but I've realized how deep the scars from her abusive boyfriend go and all the bad feelings she associates with sex and her body-image. We still have sex and actual sex itself isn't the problem. I am happy with the frequency and don't think sex itself will ever be a problem (ie sexless marriage). The problems are everything surrounding sex. She jumps right under the blankets, resist engaging in sexual positions where we aren't face-to-face because "it could be anybody". Sometimes she'll allow me, but shuts down which makes me feel bad. My favorite thing is oral sex but that is hampered too by a horrible experience she had with her ex where he physically held her head down. She met me half-way with oral sex but will only do it briefly and has admitted to going over her "to-do" list to distract her from what she's doing which defeats the whole purpose for me. I love my fiancee. I have no doubt we will have a good life. I am strong, patient, and willing to help her through. But I am a man and have desires. I want my fiancee to be the one to fulfills those desires but in some cases she can't [or can't yet] and there is no guarantee some magic switch will flip once we're married. We are 6months away from our wedding and I have felt myself wandering. Not to anyone and not emotionally, purely physically. I could never cheat because I couldn't betray her or look her in the eye, and I don't want to lose or hurt her just so I can fulfill my physical desires. I had a dream where I did and it just destroyed her in the dream. I woke up with my body chilled and tingling. I told her all of this. She reacted with anger saying if it was so important to me maybe I belonged with someone else and to make a decision. I told her I didn't want to decide and that I loved her, but I also don't want these feelings or that dream. Finally she resolved to stay with me because I am the love of her life and the best thing that ever happened to her so she will try, but asked me to recognize she is trying. My problem is while I have natural desires and I understand she has difficulties. When a beautiful woman passes, I can't help but think about what I am missing physically and that being such a late bloomer I have only been with two women in my entire life. I sort of wish my fiancee would have come along a year later so I could have experienced more. But I love my fiancee great and she is here now in my life, and I remember how underwhelming and anticlimactic (pun?) sex was even for the first time with my ex. I want to be strong and not give up something good due to physical urges, but I also can't prevent having these urges.. only what I do about them. I could break up with her and find a woman who will give me oral sex every day and engage in any acrobatic position I can think of, but she could be a raging bitch who will spend our money on drugs. I have heard older men say "You never get enough" in regard to how many women you've slept with, and I know that many men do not get oral sex at all or only on their birthdays. I also discussed this with my friend and he told me after he broke up with his fiancee he slept with a girl he knew but it felt hollow and empty because there was no emotion involved. I love my fiancee. I am faithful to her and want a life with her. but I am frustrated and looking for words of wisdom.

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02-08-2010, 02:18 PM	#2
Rich Relationship Forums Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,565	Try making it fun. Let her tie you up and do it. This will put her in total control and might make her feel different. Does she like chocolate? Drip chocolate syrup on your member and let her lick it off. Try whipped cream. Let her use oils and just give you a great hand job. It's kinda like if a guy doesn't like giving oral because of a bad experience (smell, taste) with prior girlfriends. It becomes a mental block to enjoying all future oral opprtunities. It just happens. But if you can use oils and give her a good handjob and use a vibrator, then I'm guessing that she would enjoy that. I ate a bad piece of fish (real fish) when I was young and to this day just cannot eat any fish. It's a mental thing but it's strong for me. Things like that happen. You're just gonna have to give up the ghost with having your Gf/wife give you head and be like totally into it. You know what I mean. Like the pornos where the girl is totally into giving pleasure and she's tossing her hair to the side and using her hand and tongue while looking up at you with lust in those eyes. Not gonna happen with her and quite honestly, doesn't happen with a great many of them. Just porn stars. Investigate other options. Handjobs with oils feel real good. No fear of having a tooth snag the skin and cause pain. Purely pleasurable.

02-14-2010, 05:50 PM	#3
smackie9 Relationship Forums Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: British Columbia, Canada the best place on earth! Posts: 3,251	Better put that wedding on hold. If she is having issues with sex now, it will only get worse. You are being so foolish to think she will just get over it in time. With women, we have to be mentally in tune to be ready for sex, while men can easy be ready with physical and visual stimulation. Women are more complex to deal with for sure. I suggest seeking out couples counseling before walking down the isle. What she went through in her past would be traumatic for any woman. You men will never understand the mental scaring of being raped or sexually assaulted like she was by her ex. This is more serious than you could ever understand. She feels she is being assaulted all over again by you telling how you expect her to give you head. Verbal is no different than physical, my dear. She feels devalued. That is why you both should go to counseling so it can be dealt with on a level she can feel comfortable.